PDF Summary:Better Small Talk, by Patrick King

Nobody likes small talk, right? That may be so, but it doesn’t make small talk any less important as an overture to the more interesting topics you actually want to talk about. In Better Small Talk, social interaction specialist Patrick King argues that small talk is a critical part of any conversation and that you need to master the art of small talk to have better, more meaningful conversations. In this guide, you’ll learn how to engage someone in the dreaded small talk and how to become a better conversationalist, storyteller, and listener overall.

In addition to presenting King’s strategies, we’ll also share psychological insights on human communication and tips from other communication experts, and we’ll draw connections between different parts of the book to enhance your understanding of the material.

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Moving the Conversation Past Small Talk

Once you’ve made some small talk and sense that the other person is interested in engaging further, you can work on moving the conversation forward. King stresses that to keep a conversation going, you must become adept at transitioning to and exploring new topics. If you remain stuck on one topic, the conversation will quickly become boring, and one of you will likely end it.

(Shortform note: It’s important to not misinterpret King’s recommendation to transition to new topics once you’ve covered old ones as a recommendation to fill every silence with chatter. Some people are so anxious about keeping the conversation going that they fill every conversational lull with—usually inane—talk. This is different from transitioning to new topics because it’s fueled by a fear of silence, rather than a desire to sustain dialogue, and often doesn’t lead to enjoyable conversation. Pauses in your conversation aren’t necessarily a sign that the conversation has stalled; rather, they may actually give both parties the necessary moment to think about how they want to transition to the next topic.)

Here are some ways King recommends to keep the conversation moving forward:

Find Similarities to Talk About

The best topic to turn to after you’ve made some small talk is things you have in common. Finding similarities strengthens your connection: King says that humans have a strong evolutionary urge to be around people similar to themselves because they’re more likely to be understood.

To find similarities, be alert for even small areas of overlap that might lead you to discover larger similarities. If you discover that you both frequent the same bookstore, asking further questions might lead you to learn that you’re both fans of the same author, for instance. You may have to probe a bit if immediate similarities aren’t apparent. For example, if the other person is an avid hiker and you’ve never hiked before, ask them questions about hiking that could reveal similarities. They might tell you they love hiking in a particular area, which happens to be where you grew up.

What to Do When There’s No Common Ground

What if you find yourself in conversation with someone you can’t imagine having anything in common with? As the United States becomes increasingly politically polarized, it’s becoming harder for people on one side of the political spectrum to feel they could ever find common ground with people on the other side.

In Think Again, social scientist Adam Grant proposes a solution to this perception of irreconcilable difference: We should complexify our discussions. By this he means exploring or showing a spectrum of views on a topic, rather than just two opposing views. In conversation, you could complexify a discussion with someone you’d normally disagree with by talking about individual cases where one of your perspectives might not hold or make sense.

For instance, if you’re an avid recycler and you’re speaking to someone who hates recycling, you might talk about instances when recycling isn’t a good idea (like when the material you’re recycling is hazardous) and instances when recycling actually is a good idea (like when you’re recycling something that can easily be repurposed to create a new product). To move the conversation toward complexification and away from outright disagreement, you might use King’s advice to probe into your conversation partner’s answers, leading them to think more complexly.

Memorize Acronyms That Advance the Conversation

King also recommends memorizing nine different types of responses you can make to a comment. Each approach can lead you into new conversational territory, and they’re represented by three acronyms:

HPM: History, Philosophy, Metaphor. History entails contributing a story from your personal history. Philosophy entails offering an opinion or personal philosophy on the topic. Metaphor entails going farther afield, bringing up something the topic reminds you of.

SBR: Specific, Broad, Related. Specific entails asking a more detailed question about something said. Broad means asking a more general question. Related entails moving in a slightly different direction to ask about something tangential (if you’re talking about the croissant you’re both eating, a related question might be to ask if the other person’s ever been to France or if they like to bake themselves).

(Shortform note: It’s worth noting that not all of these response types will be appropriate for every conversation. SBR, which involves asking questions of the other person, might be better for conversations with people who are experiencing personal difficulty. When you ask specific, broad, and related questions of them, you can better understand what they’re experiencing and how you might help. HPM, on the other hand, might be more useful when you’re getting to know a new acquaintance or group, especially if you’re someone who tends to speak up less in conversation. If you know that you can reach for history, philosophy, or metaphor to keep the conversation going, it will be easier for you to think of topics to engage the other person.)

EDR: Emotion, Detail, Restatement. Emotion means positing what you think the other person’s feelings were about something they just said (“Going to Paris must have been incredible!”). Detail means asking for more detail specifically in relation to the other person. (“How did you like the Renoir paintings in the Louvre?”) Restatement simply entails restating what the other person just said to show them you’re listening and encourage them to elaborate (“The painting had been stolen?!”).

(Shortform note: Of all the acronyms, this one might require you to pay the most attention to the other person. This is because you must be able to make a feasible prediction of how they felt about something, pick up on small details of their story, and restate what they’ve just said with reasonable accuracy. If EDR seems hard to execute, you might consider strengthening your listening muscle by focusing exclusively on what the other person is saying without pre-planning your response in your mind.)

Free-Associate to Explore New Topics

At times and despite your best efforts, your conversation might still stagnate. In such cases, King recommends you continue the conversation by free-associating with the existing conversation topic. Free-associating means summoning to mind and mentioning the first thing (or few things) you think of in relation to the topic. This can move the conversation into new, fertile ground.

For instance, if you’ve both run out of things to say, but you just ate a McDonald’s burger, free associate with “McDonald’s.” Perhaps McDonald’s makes you think of the plastic toys you get in a happy meal, that trip you took with your parents when you were eight, and of the pricey steak you had at a five-star restaurant last weekend. Any of these ideas is a viable direction to take the conversation in.

(Shortform note: Free-associating is a common warm-up exercise in improvisational comedy and theater. It helps performers become less judgmental of themselves and freer in their responses. Another improv exercise you might repurpose to improve your conversations is the game and concept of “Yes And.” When you “yes and” someone, you agree with what they’ve said and then add something new to it. For instance, if they say, “This hamburger tastes like cardboard,” you might say: “I agree, and the fries taste like crayons.” This naturally shifts the conversation into new and interesting territory.)

Improving the Quality of Your Conversation Through Storytelling

Now that you’ve mastered the basics of small talk and sustaining dialogue, you can “level up” to being an engaging conversationalist who’s fun to talk to. King asserts that being engaging in conversation simply means being good at telling stories. People would rather hear an interesting story that doesn’t have much to do with what you were talking about than have a predictable exchange.

(Shortform note: Author and story consultant Robert McKee explains why humans are so drawn to stories: Stories add meaning to our lives by showing us important truths about the world. Even a short story told in a conversation can be meaningful to someone else: Telling someone about a terrible date you had speaks to the universal truth that finding true connection with others can be hard and might resonate especially with people in a similar situation.)

King adds that another benefit of storytelling is furnishing details that will resonate with others or paint a picture of who you are. This, in turn, makes people feel more invested in your story and in you. For instance, if you describe feeling “like Homer Simpson” while driving home from work, a fan of The Simpsons might find this particularly funny and feel a stronger connection to you because of the reference. Telling the story in this way also creates a vivid image in the listener’s mind, which makes the story more engaging and reveals something about you (in this case, that you don’t take yourself too seriously and that you might have road rage).

(Shortform note: Sharing details about yourself requires you to be vulnerable. You can’t predict how the other person will react when you put something about yourself out there, and it’s possible they’ll disapprove of what you say. To make it easier to be vulnerable in conversation, try to free yourself from others’ expectations and talk and behave only in ways that feel authentic. Brené Brown writes that you can work toward this goal by developing a mantra, a phrase you say to yourself when you feel uncomfortable or in doubt. A conversational mantra you might use if you sense your conversation partner isn’t receptive might be: “The only thing that matters is that I’m being myself.”)

To become a better storyteller, first recognize that you can create a compelling story out of any quotidian event. The level of engagement you achieve has more to do with how you tell the story than the events you’re describing. To tell a story well, King recommends keeping the story limited to one sentence describing one event, which evokes one sentiment (a structure he refers to as the 1:1:1 rule). Keeping your story short and specific ensures you don’t ramble and gives a clear reason for the story—to evoke laughter, amazement, and so on.

(Shortform note: You may need to practice the 1:1:1 rule before you can master it, which might feel contrived and unnatural—after all, a conversation is meant to be spontaneous. If that’s the case, consider that even stand-up jokes—which are meant to sound extremely natural and conversational—require significant pre-planning. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, for instance, meticulously prepares his jokes over months or even years to make them as funny as possible and to perfect his delivery. While you likely can’t invest that sort of time into your own brief stories, it might be worth thinking a little more deeply about how to make your story engaging and paying attention to your audience’s feedback so you can use it to improve.)

How to Tell Mini-Stories

King also specifically recommends preparing what he calls “mini-stories” about your life that you can tell in a variety of situations. A mini-story should be three sentences, and you should come up with a mini-story for common conversational topics, like work, your hometown, your week or weekend, and so on.

For instance, your mini-story about your hometown might be: “I grew up in a really nondescript town in the middle of nowhere. Our biggest claim to fame is that President Millard Fillmore once drove through it and said it was ‘forgettable’—which is saying something, since people barely even remember who he was!”

(Shortform note: If you still feel nervous about telling stories in conversation, it can be helpful to recognize that the human brain is hardwired to enjoy stories. Story coach Lisa Cron says in Wired for Story that in the distant past, we used stories to convey and acquire important survival information. She adds that our story-oriented brain expects to receive three pieces of information in any story, so, in addition to condensing your story into three sentences, you might try to provide the following information: Who the story’s about, what the story’s about (the plot, or events), and what’s at stake (what bad thing might happen). If you keep your story short and you engage the reader by answering these three questions, it’s unlikely your story will fall flat.)

How to Take Care of Your Conversation Partner

So far, we’ve focused on how you can shine in conversation. But, of course, good conversations can only happen if the other person feels good when they talk to you. So in this final section, we’ll talk about how to ensure your conversation partner feels important and heard and will want to keep engaging with you in the future.

(Shortform note: In Just Listen, psychiatrist Mark Goulston explains why the other person must feel heard and respected in a conversation for that conversation to be of any value. People are constantly thinking about their own lives, feelings, and problems, so to engage with you meaningfully, they must feel you’ve acknowledged and empathized with what’s going on in their lives. Once they feel cared for in this way, they’ll be able to listen to you in turn.)

Make Space for the Other Person to Contribute

One of the most important ways to take care of your conversation partner is to give them room to contribute by listening well to them and not monopolizing the conversation. Many people view conversations as simply a way to state their own opinion or tell their own story, and they feel no obligation to listen to the other person, writes King. This makes for an unrewarding experience for the other person, who feels unimportant and unheard.

(Shortform note: Statistics reveal the optimal division of talking time between speakers: People enjoy conversations most when speaking time is split equally. This holds in conversations between strangers, acquaintances, and close friends, as well as when the speakers are extroverts or introverts. As soon as someone begins speaking more or less than 50% of the time, both participants’ enjoyment of the conversation decreases drastically.)

To listen well and share the conversational space, King recommends the following:

1. Don’t craft your response while the other person is still talking. Listen actively with an open mind and only formulate your response once they’ve finished.
2. Show the other person that you’re listening. You can do this through engaged facial expressions, verbalizations, and body language.
3. Don’t stick to your point or story if the other person takes the conversation in another direction. Be willing to let go of what you wanted to say.
4. In general, try to talk less. People probably aren’t as interested in your life as you are and don’t care to hear about it endlessly.

How to Deal With Bad Listeners and Conversation Monopolizers

What do you do if your conversation partner doesn’t extend the same courtesies King outlines to you? A conversation can quickly become unrewarding if you’re trying to be a good listener but the other person doesn’t listen to you, cuts you off, and monopolizes the conversation.

One way to deal with such people is to ask them if there’s a better way for them to engage in conversation with you. It’s possible that, for instance, sitting in a café makes the other person restless and that they’d be a better listener if you chatted during a walk.

If you want to decrease the chances of being interrupted or not heard when you have important information to convey, you might signal to the other person at the beginning of the conversation that you need to talk about something and that you want their input when you’re done. For instance, if you want to talk about a rough break-up you’ve just gone through, you might say something like, “I’m so glad you could meet to talk. I really need to talk to someone and get some advice.” This might alert the other person that they need to listen to you.

Finally, you might even gently call out the other person for not sharing the conversational space. The best way to do this is by showing empathetic concern: If the other person keeps redirecting the conversation back to a specific topic, is obviously just thinking of their next response while you’re talking, or is showing signs of being distracted through body language or facial expressions, you might compassionately ask, “It seems like something is on your mind and might be distracting you from our current conversation. Do you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you?” If the other person is simply doing a poor job of listening, this hopefully will act as a signal to them. But more importantly, if the other person really does have something distracting on their mind, you give them the chance to address it.

Offer Thoughtful, Valuable Compliments

Another way to take care of your conversation partner and ensure they feel good in conversation is to offer thoughtful compliments. King writes that the compliments that ingratiate you most effectively with the recipient target something the recipient can control or something the recipient has actively decided to do. Such compliments feel more meaningful to the recipient than compliments about things they can’t control (like looks) because they validate a person’s choices and lifestyle.

For instance, a person will be happier if you tell them you’re really impressed with the garden they’ve worked tirelessly to cultivate than if you compliment them on the size of their hands, which is something they have no control over.

(Shortform note: In addition to complimenting people only on things they have control over, you should also steer clear of flattery. In The Like Switch, Jack Schafer and Marvin Karlins argue that flattery is often deployed as a way to get something from someone. If you find yourself offering compliments for a specific reason—for example, to be invited to an event or to get something—you’re probably flattering the other person, and it’s likely they can tell. Keep your compliments sincere and only offer them as a way to make the other person feel good.)

Consider complimenting others on choices they’ve made to stand out from the crowd because these deliberate decisions reflect their identity and how they want to be perceived. A unique choice might be a nonconformist opinion, an unusual garment, a particular spiritual interest or affiliation.

As an alternative to a traditional compliment, King suggests noticing people’s behaviors, habits, and idiosyncrasies and non-judgmentally drawing attention to them. This makes the other person feel noteworthy and seen. For instance, if a friend often uses an uncommon turn of phrase, you might inquire about it. This will make them feel unique and interesting and might lead to an intriguing explanation of where they picked up that phrase.

(Shortform note: The unique traits or idiosyncrasies King recommends you compliment or comment on are symptoms of humans’ need to be unique. Humans have a strong evolutionary urge to fit in, but we also need to feel that we differ from our peers in some ways, and this can lead us to make particular lifestyle choices. Still, because we’re all trying to strike a balance between fitting in and being different, it’s important to compliment others in ways that don’t make them feel too unusual. Hearing someone tell you, “That is the most bizarre hat I’ve ever seen” probably doesn’t feel as good as “That is such a cool hat; I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it.”)

Pose Thoughtful Questions That Prompt a Meaningful Contribution

Finally, King writes that to make space for your conversation partner, you must master the art of asking questions that prompt meaningful, interesting answers. Such questions allow the other person to share thoughts, stories, and ideas that appeal to them, which makes them enjoy the conversation more. Here are some question types you can try out to encourage deep, enjoyable dialogue:

• Open-ended questions. These are questions that demand more than a binary “yes or no” response. “What did you enjoy most about the concert?” is an example of an open-ended question (as opposed to: “Did you enjoy the concert?”).
• Questions that enhance your understanding of the other person’s views. Inquire about why someone feels a certain way or how they developed a belief. Seek to see the world through their eyes.
• Follow-up questions. To drill down more into a topic or sentiment, ask questions that come to mind after hearing their response to your first question. (For instance: “You described the music as solemn; what do you mean by that?”)
• Talk about topics other than the two of you. Your conversations don’t have to just revolve around what you both think, feel, and believe. Talk about other things, like current events, your surroundings, new media you’re consuming, and so on. King notes that this is a great way into someone’s personal thoughts if you don’t feel comfortable asking about those outright.

Don’t Demand Responses to Your Questions

The authors of Difficult Conversations add an important final step to question-asking: Let the other person choose to not answer your question if they don’t want to. Conversations shouldn’t feel like mandatory interviews, and people are often more willing to open up and answer questions if you create an atmosphere in which they feel they can also decline to answer them. You can create such an atmosphere by simply being non-judgmental when someone doesn’t want to answer a question. Ironically, this may make it more likely they’ll open up and answer future questions.

While the above questions aren’t inherently probing, some people might perceive them as too intimate. For instance, some people might not want to answer an open-ended question like, “What’s your take on God?”

Similarly, some people might not want to elaborate on their views or beliefs, even if you ask about them in a curious and non-judgmental way. Other people don’t care to answer more detailed questions about something they’ve said, and some just might not be interested in the new topic you bring up.

Finally, it’s possible that the other person might not tell you outright that they don’t want to answer your question. If you notice that they’re ignoring your questions, giving only brief responses, or shifting away from you, it’s possible they don’t want to answer your question and you need to let it go.