PDF Summary:Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare, by Shahida Arabi
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In Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare, Shahida Arabi explores the insidious effects of narcissistic abuse and provides strategies to heal from the experience. She delves into the trauma bonds that develop during love bombing and devaluation phases, resulting in physiological addictions and complex PTSD. Arabi also examines the gaslighting and defamation tactics used by narcissists to manipulate reality and avoid accountability for their actions.
The author offers guidance on freeing oneself from the chemical, psychological, and social attachments that make leaving narcissists difficult. Traditional and alternative therapies are outlined, including cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation, yoga, and artistic expression. Ultimately, readers are guided to shed codependency and shame while reclaiming authenticity beyond the narcissist's control.
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Society frequently perpetuates maltreatment and commonly blames the victim, swayed by the narcissist's persuasive exterior.
The especially harmful element of this manipulation is the narcissist's skill in upholding a convincing and attractive facade, which has the potential to mislead even the most seasoned professionals in mental health. Arabi explores the tactics narcissists use to control their victims while also deceiving the general population. Individuals who open up about their encounters with narcissistic abuse frequently face public ridicule and attempts to silence them. Victims frequently grapple with aligning the abuser's outwardly favorable image with the severe mistreatment they've suffered, which can lead them to erroneously blame themselves for the maltreatment they've experienced.
Arabi notes that narcissists can effortlessly mislead even the most astute legal experts, such as judges and lawyers who possess a profound comprehension of behaviors, in judicial settings like divorce or custody disputes. It's essential to meticulously record any abusive incidents through text messages, video, audio recordings, or by maintaining a comprehensive journal that chronicles these occurrences. Survivors need support from experts who can recognize behaviors that signal narcissism or traits of antisocial personality disorder, including therapists and attorneys skilled in high-conflict divorce proceedings. Shahida Arabi emphasizes the initiation of a defamation campaign as a potent strategy employed by narcissists. Victims frequently struggle to safeguard themselves because the psychological abuse is insidious and not overtly apparent. She may end up isolated and deeply misunderstood by her loved ones, clinging to her relationship with the narcissist in the hopes of obtaining even a modicum of recognition.
Practical Tips
- Create a personal "red flags" journal to recognize patterns of manipulative behavior. Start by noting down behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable or devalued in your interactions with others. Over time, this can help you identify when you're being subjected to tactics like love bombing or gaslighting. For example, if someone showers you with excessive compliments and gifts early in a relationship, refer to your journal to see if this aligns with a pattern of establishing false intimacy.
- Develop an emotional first-aid kit for moments of self-doubt or flashbacks. This kit could include a list of affirmations, contact information for supportive friends or a therapist, and calming activities like breathing exercises or a playlist of soothing music. When you feel overwhelmed by negative emotions or memories, use the items in your kit to help stabilize your mood and remind yourself of your worth.
- Practice decision-making exercises to rebuild trust in your judgment. Start with small, low-stakes decisions, like choosing a new recipe to try or planning a weekend activity. Reflect on the process and outcome, acknowledging your ability to make choices for yourself. Gradually increase the complexity of decisions as your confidence grows, which can counteract the effects of gaslighting and manipulation on your self-esteem.
A range of traditional and non-traditional methods are employed to heal from the effects of narcissistic abuse.
This section of the book focuses on various strategies and recovery methods designed to help those who have suffered from narcissistic abuse reduce their reliance on the perpetrator, change their established thought patterns, and deal with the emotional turmoil that arises from the relationship.
Liberating oneself from the physical bonds formed through mistreatment at the hands of a narcissist.
Arabi emphasizes the significance of identifying the initial chemical bonds established with individuals who exhibit narcissism and psychopathy as a crucial step in learning how to break away from these connections. To heal from a narcissistic relationship, one must substitute the harmful origins of these biochemicals with healthier options, similar to strategies employed in conquering an addiction to substances.
To weaken the bond created by oxytocin, it is advised to halt all forms of communication, which in turn lessens physical proximity while simultaneously fostering supportive connections.
Arabi underscores the importance for those who have endured abuse to minimize or sever all direct communication with the perpetrator, while also pursuing supportive social settings that foster the growth of close connections and intimacy. She recommends that if you are physically attracted to another person (and you feel comfortable and ready for this level of contact) and this does not trigger you regarding the experience of abuse or re-traumatize you, try going on a casual date or two with that person. It is important to set boundaries with potential partners at this early stage of healing, however, and clearly communicate your need for space and limited forms of interaction - you may wish to make it clear you are not yet looking for a serious relationship.
Arabi also stresses the importance of hugging your friends and family, cuddling with a pet (this has been shown in research to release oxytocin!), as well as volunteering in ways that involve supporting others. Interacting with others can serve as a positive counterweight to the harmful connections established with the narcissist, while also significantly boosting oxytocin levels through interactions that are more fulfilling and healthy.
Pursuing fulfilling activities and setting positive goals can disrupt the pattern of neurotransmitter activity, specifically dopamine and adrenaline, that is associated with toxic relationships, thus diminishing the frequency of negative intrusive thoughts.
Arabi recommends engaging in new, positive activities, goals, and hobbies that offer excitement comparable to that felt during the tumultuous relationship to counteract the highs produced by the abuse cycle's release of dopamine and adrenaline. Exploring the thrill of rock climbing is one such example.
She cautions that the distress originating from a detrimental relationship may foster a detrimental bond with these individuals, underscoring the significance of redirecting the desire for stimulation toward self-improvement via interests, career pursuits, and goals, instead of dwelling on past occurrences or harmful people. Should you frequently catch yourself pondering about the person in your life exhibiting narcissistic traits, she recommends limiting such reflections to a maximum of one hour daily, while allocating the rest of your time to pursuits that elicit happiness or a feeling of accomplishment.
Engaging in mindfulness activities like meditation, yoga, and physical exercise can help reduce stress caused by the abusive relationship, which in turn decreases cortisol levels.
Individuals who have survived such ordeals should focus on activities that foster serenity and tranquility, which play a crucial role in reducing the elevated stress hormones, particularly adrenaline and cortisol, that stem from ongoing distress and fear in a harmful partnership, aiming to restore these hormones to their normal levels before the mistreatment occurred. Arabi suggests adopting a regular routine of physical activity, engaging in yoga, and practicing meditation, in addition to maintaining a journal, as methods to reduce stress and create a supportive atmosphere for healing.
Meditation is beneficial because it can lead to beneficial transformations in brain areas affected by trauma, such as the amygdala and hippocampus. Engaging in forty minutes of meditation each day may lead to a decrease in the size of the amygdala, which is involved in how we respond to stress, and could also improve the hippocampus, essential for memory and emotional regulation.
Regularly affirming positive thoughts can contribute to improved emotional stability, along with ensuring one receives adequate sunlight.
Experiences of trauma, particularly those associated with harm inflicted by individuals with narcissistic tendencies, can affect serotonin levels, leading to a decrease in mood and an increased tendency to ruminate on past relationships, which in turn triggers an increase in adrenaline and cortisol production. In addition, low levels of serotonin are associated with unhealthy coping methods such as self-harm or substance abuse, all of which may contribute to “relapse” in the No Contact journey. Arabi suggests taking frequent walks outside to reap the advantages of natural sunlight, which helps to lessen the adverse effects on serotonin levels while also fostering an affinity with nature, and she highlights the significance of incorporating vitamins into one's daily routine that boost serotonin activity, especially vitamins like B6 and B12.
Arabi also suggests getting massages to help reduce stress-related biochemicals and focusing on happy memories that reinforce one's sense of self-worth and importance, but it's crucial to steer clear of reminiscing about joyful moments shared with the abuser, which might result in a breach of the No Contact rule. Additionally, she advises finding a therapist who can assist in dealing with detrimental behaviors like emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, or maladaptive coping strategies.
Traditional methods are employed to alleviate the distress caused by abuse from narcissists.
This part of the book explores conventional methods of therapy that assist survivors in dealing with the psychological harm caused by their abusers.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is employed to identify and challenge the erroneous thinking processes that contribute to and sustain self-destructive actions and the inclination to blame oneself.
Arabi recommends employing cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to challenge and surmount the limiting beliefs that often develop as a result of enduring abuse. Should you have been accused of being excessively sensitive, unduly dependent, or unreasonably insistent simply for attempting to set suitable limits, you might begin to see yourself through that lens, even after distancing yourself from the person who mistreated you. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy aids in identifying and altering erroneous patterns of thinking, thereby fostering the development of healthier beliefs that improve mental patterns, self-perception, and actions.
Individuals undergoing a specific therapeutic process gradually face various triggers within a controlled setting, which helps diminish the effects of memories associated with trauma.
In Arabi's explanation of exposure therapy, this method enables an individual to face and work through traumatic events in a protected setting, guided by an expert trained in these practices. Confronting trauma directly may initially seem counterintuitive, but it can offer significant solace and aid in the healing journey for those who have endured trauma, diminishing the heightened vigilance that comes with re-experiencing traumatic events.
Cognitive Processing Therapy assists individuals in addressing and modifying harmful beliefs about their own self-image, their relationships with others, and their outlook on life that have developed due to traumatic events.
Cognitive Processing Therapy, akin to Prolonged Exposure therapy, aids survivors in recognizing the effects of abuse on their existence, while uniquely concentrating on transforming how victims see themselves, the essence of their interpersonal connections, and their overall perspective on life as a result of the trauma they have endured. Survivors must confront and overcome the skewed perceptions stemming from traumatic experiences, such as the belief that "Every man embodies the essence of excessive self-focus," to safeguard against future harm and foster more wholesome connections.
DBT, which stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, combines cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to improve emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and to develop better coping mechanisms.
Arabi emphasizes that a common therapeutic strategy for handling Borderline Personality Disorder involves teaching individuals how to navigate difficult emotions and social scenarios by blending traditional cognitive-behavioral methods with mindfulness practices inspired by Eastern philosophies. Arabi notes that people who have suffered under the controlling actions of narcissists or psychopaths might show signs similar to those of Borderline Personality Disorder, especially when it comes to managing their emotions and controlling their anger, and proposes that Dialectical Behavior Therapy might help improve their communication skills and achieve emotional balance in challenging situations rather than giving in to rash behaviors.
Individuals with similar experiences often discover affirmation and a sense of community within the context of group therapy sessions.
Arabi advocates for group therapy as a nurturing space where survivors can connect with others who have shared similar experiences and provide empathetic responses that recognize the hardships they have endured, especially after a series of traumatic incidents, as they move forward past the relationship. Individuals recovering from such experiences may discover comfort and peace by establishing new social relationships.
Approaches that consider the entire person when dealing with the consequences of narcissistic abuse.
This section delves into a range of creative strategies designed to promote healing and renewal of one's mental, physical, and emotional well-being after enduring the damage caused by narcissistic mistreatment.
People who have suffered from traumatic events often engage in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) as a form of therapy to lessen the severity of their traumatic memories and experiences.
Arabi recommends a therapeutic approach that gently and with minimal distress facilitates the processing of one's traumatic memories through controlled eye movements and visualization techniques, suitable for individuals in search of less intense healing modalities. While EMDR may not work for everyone, survivors who have tried this therapy have reported relief from feelings of panic, anxiety, and fear that accompany trauma, without having to dwell on the disturbing aspects of their memories.
EFT utilizes designated tapping locations to release built-up negative feelings, a method referred to as Emotional Freedom Technique.
Shahida Arabi proposes that the Emotional Freedom Technique, or EFT, is more effective than other methods because it tackles abuse in a more holistic manner. Emotions, which are retained within our physical structure, can be released through concentration on and activation of the body's twelve energy conduits. Incorporating tapping with uplifting affirmations, this therapeutic approach aids in disrupting and reshaping detrimental beliefs and feelings that could lead to dysfunction, fostering a more positive internal conversation.
Yoga strengthens the connection between mind and body, reduces stress, and helps to lessen the physical health consequences associated with trauma.
People who experienced a sense of detachment from their own bodies or were weighed down by emotional turmoil might discover that yoga provides an essential and safe space for grounding their energy and deepening their understanding of their body's responses to trauma. Yoga, especially the pranayama breathing methods, cultivates an increased consciousness of bodily sensations and mental processes, diminishing their vulnerability to ongoing, introspective thoughts.
Looking into a mirror and speaking positive affirmations can help in altering the subconscious mind.
Arabi suggests developing self-compassion and gratitude by engaging in Mirror Work, a technique promoted by Louise Hay, which involves speaking affirming words to oneself while looking into a mirror. The objective of this technique is to bolster an individual's self-perception through the adoption of affirmative statements that underscore their attractiveness, merit, and value. Participating in positive self-talk helps to cultivate beliefs that empower individuals, which in turn, challenge the harmful self-views that survivors of abuse frequently possess.
Survivors can discover healing by expressing and channeling their trauma nonverbally through the creative process of art therapy.
Arabi recommends that individuals struggling to express their trauma or burdened by persistent thoughts and concerns from previous experiences may discover comfort and relief through engaging in creative arts therapies, which can effectively augment traditional therapeutic approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy. Survivors are provided with a secure setting through art therapy, which enables them to delve into and express the physical and emotional aspects of their trauma, facilitating a recovery journey that embraces both verbal and non-verbal communication.
Challenging the damaging dialogue of the narcissist by engaging in different discussions, thus regaining command over one's own communication and setting firmer personal limits.
If you find yourself on the receiving end of demeaning language and hostile verbal onslaughts from a partner who exhibits traits of narcissism, Arabi advises reinforcing your determination by affirming your sanity and challenging the accusations, such as by proclaiming, "You're the one who's irrational, not me." Arabi recommends that individuals channel their anger into written words that the narcissist will never view, encouraging them to freely release their indignation onto the page. This offers a different approach than pursuing revenge, a course of action that could lead to concrete consequences. She emphasizes the necessity of confidentiality in these practices, suggesting that they be recorded in a private journal intended solely for the individual who has endured the abuse, and recommends not disclosing the contents to the narcissist.
The use of language can create an alternate structure that exerts dominance. The survivor fortifies her resolve by transforming the declarations of the narcissist into solid convictions that bolster her determination. Should you notice that your thoughts are dominated by negative notions, strive to counteract them with positive self-talk; for example, when you find yourself thinking, "You're extremely sensitive!" If your question pertains to my usual reaction to being mistreated with a heightened sense of sensitivity, then yes, that is the case. Acknowledge your strengths and accomplishments to refute the narcissist's assertions that you are not adequate. The goal, however, shouldn’t be to make the narcissist feel guilty or ashamed; rather, the focus should be on empowering yourself to challenge any cognitive distortions instilled by the narcissist.
Techniques derived from Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) are employed to alter deep-seated beliefs and reshape how individuals perceive themselves after experiencing devaluation, which in turn strengthens their self-worth.
Can an individual reshape their thought patterns to embrace more positive and supportive convictions? Arabi proposes that the self-doubt sown by the manipulative tactics of a narcissist can be challenged, thereby bolstering one's sense of self-worth. Yes!” She recommends using Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) strategies to challenge and transform ingrained limiting beliefs by reshaping an individual's inner viewpoints and physiological state, resulting in improved actions. Arabi likens this psychological change to the journey of reclaiming one's self-worth after it has been worn down by a partner who displays traits of narcissism.
This entails repeating the previously referenced positive affirmations while looking at one's reflection and engaging in exercises that bolster confidence and courage. NLP focuses on initiating steps that cultivate a path toward exceptional performance. Transforming your perspective involves changing the internal dialogues you engage in and embracing behaviors and gestures that project a more robust self-confidence. For example, you might choose to establish connections with new individuals or immerse yourself in your passions and talents instead of avoiding social engagements or questioning your own abilities.
Participating in therapeutic activities that provide solace and cultivate a setting conducive to the recovery of aspects within oneself that have suffered due to narcissistic abuse.
Arabi underscores the importance of self-care for one's inner child to make up for the lack of nurturing from parents, highlighting this as an essential step in the healing process. Arabi elucidates how the actions we observe may originate from a profound injury frequently linked to initial life experiences of desertion or trauma, which the abuser rekindles, especially in individuals who have endured narcissistic abuse. Individuals who have faced difficulties are prompted to connect with the emotional turmoil of their early life by adopting techniques that foster care for the youthful aspect of their psyche, which includes strategies such as visualization and positive affirmations.
Through these methods, you are able to get in touch with the pain you may have had to suppress or numb as a child by creating a safe space for your inner child to express all of its emotions freely. The feelings often include a profound fear of being left alone. By addressing these emotions, you are taking the first step toward providing the love, support, protection, and compassion that your inner child may have lacked. Fostering a sense of kindness towards oneself, both as the child one was and the adult one has grown into, is crucial in the journey of inner nurturing. The book also underscores the significance of liberating oneself from the burden of responsibility for any abuse endured in one's formative years.
Other Perspectives
- While halting communication is often recommended to weaken bonds with a narcissist, some argue that in certain situations, such as co-parenting, complete cessation of communication is not feasible, and alternative strategies like structured contact or parallel parenting must be considered.
- Engaging in new activities to disrupt dopamine and adrenaline patterns can be beneficial, but some individuals may find it difficult to find activities that provide the same level of stimulation as the abusive relationship, potentially leading to frustration or a sense of loss.
- Mindfulness and meditation are widely recommended for stress reduction, but some individuals may struggle with these practices due to pre-existing mental health conditions like PTSD, where focusing inward can sometimes exacerbate symptoms.
- The effectiveness of positive affirmations and sunlight exposure for improving emotional stability can vary greatly among individuals, and some may not find these methods helpful, requiring more personalized therapeutic approaches.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a well-established treatment, but it may not be suitable for everyone, and some critics argue that it can be too focused on changing thoughts and not enough on addressing the underlying emotional trauma.
- Exposure therapy can be a powerful tool for some, but for others, it can be re-traumatizing if not done carefully and at the right time in the healing process.
- The efficacy of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is supported by many studies, but some critics question its effectiveness and suggest that its benefits may be due to placebo effects or common factors shared with other therapies.
- Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) has its proponents, but it is considered a pseudoscience by some critics who argue that there is insufficient empirical evidence supporting its effectiveness.
- While yoga is generally considered beneficial, it may not be suitable for everyone, especially those with certain physical limitations or those who may find the spiritual aspects of yoga to be in conflict with their personal beliefs.
- Mirror Work might be uncomfortable or even distressing for some individuals, particularly those with deep-seated issues related to self-image or past trauma.
- Art therapy is a valuable tool for many, but some individuals may not find it helpful or may feel frustrated by their perceived lack of artistic ability.
- The use of Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) to reshape beliefs and self-worth is controversial, with critics arguing that NLP is not supported by scientific evidence and may oversimplify complex psychological issues.
- Group therapy can be incredibly supportive, but it can also be challenging for some individuals who may feel intimidated or overwhelmed by group dynamics or the stories of others.
- The concept of nurturing one's inner child can be beneficial, but some may find it difficult to engage with this concept or may not resonate with the metaphorical approach to addressing past trauma.
To embrace authenticity, it's essential to shift focus from constantly meeting the needs of others to reclaiming one's personal identity and autonomy, which can often be eroded by the harmful effects of narcissistic abuse.
This section of the book explores strategies that empower individuals to entirely liberate themselves from the harmful patterns characteristic of an abusive relationship, regain their independence, initiate positive changes, and develop essential skills for setting boundaries and honoring their own beliefs and values.
Recognizing one's role in the relationship dynamics without assuming responsibility for the abusive behavior, while identifying as both someone who has been harmed and one who has overcome.
Arabi suggests that individuals who have endured a narcissist's abuse frequently struggle with a divided self-image, swinging between seeing themselves as powerless victims and strong survivors. It is in this gray area where we must work through our feelings while also acknowledging the agency we still possess, even if it feels incredibly threatening to contemplate this in the aftermath of abuse. She emphasizes the significance of discerning between baseless allegations and seizing our strength to respond, highlighting that understanding this distinction is vital for acknowledging our capacity for recovery and our rightful acknowledgment for withstanding abuse from a detrimental companion.
The dangers of clichés regarding relationships, which often detract from the healing process by invalidating the experience of victims
Arabi addresses the way society frequently employs relationship clichés that serve to undermine the suffering of those who have survived abuse and simultaneously protect abusers from being held accountable. Conversations frequently revolve around the concept of pardoning past actions and erasing them from memory. Arabi emphasizes the dangers associated with the concept of forgiveness, particularly when it involves individuals with narcissistic tendencies who intentionally harm their victims and rarely show true remorse.
Perpetrators of harm frequently use the phrase "let it go" as a tactic to sow confusion about the abuse and to manipulate the situation. This statement is even more toxic when used by the public to dismiss the trauma of survivors while promoting emotional numbing and invalidation. Arabi highlights the possibility that adhering to the saying "Never lower yourself to the standards of others" might intensify feelings of guilt and self-blame among survivors when considering reactions or defensive actions that are not typical for them. These expressions are often employed to criticize abuse survivors for having a natural spectrum of feelings, rather than recognizing that they are engulfed in conflict.
Exploring the psychological and emotional elements that lead to people staying in detrimental partnerships, including connections established through collective hardship, the feeling of entrapment, the absence of a supportive social circle, and the cognitive dissonance that comes with maintaining conflicting thoughts or feelings.
Arabi emphasizes the difficulty in understanding why people stay in abusive relationships, pointing out that this kind of mistreatment can significantly change the neural architecture. It's essential to consider the various internal and external influences that prevent people from leaving an abusive relationship or from fully understanding the reality of their circumstances, instead of quickly assigning fault or holding survivors accountable for not being able to depart.
For instance, Arabi describes a harmful emotional bond often mistaken for a fundamental reason, which in reality emerges due to collective traumatic events that create strong emotional connections, along with the previously mentioned chemical attachments. Narcissists are adept at creating a profound bond that becomes deeply rooted, particularly because they occasionally intersperse their controlling and extreme conduct with moments of tenderness. Arabi notes that the reinforcement of trauma bonds is significantly stronger in situations where the abuse is unpredictable rather than in relationships with toxic partners who are simply inconsistent.
Furthermore, the victim starts to associate this conduct with affection as a result of the sporadic pattern of scant acknowledgment and commendation mixed with episodes of belittlement, which cultivates a dependency on the erratic emotional highs and lows characteristic of the toxic relationship. Survivors of such traumatic experiences may also be apprehensive about potential repercussions, including the possibility of encountering hostility, the fear of being stalked or harassed, and worries about their reputation being damaged by slanderous attacks. Individuals may be haunted by the fear of losing their children, especially when the manipulative abuser presents themselves as the nurturing figure, thereby casting the victim in the role of the strict disciplinarian in a home where the child is subjected to the abuser's influence.
Understanding the significance of trauma is essential in eliminating the propensity to fault the victim and in promoting self-kindness.
Understanding and acknowledging the characteristics linked with trauma is essential for a thorough strategy to challenge victim-blaming.
Other Perspectives
- While focusing on personal identity and autonomy is important, it's also crucial to consider how interdependence and community support can play a role in healing from abuse.
- Strategies for liberation and setting boundaries must be adaptable to individual circumstances, as one-size-fits-all approaches may not be effective for everyone.
- Recognizing one's role in relationship dynamics is complex, and care must be taken not to inadvertently self-blame while reflecting on these dynamics.
- The concept of a divided self-image might oversimplify the range of emotions and identities that survivors of abuse experience.
- Some relationship clichés, when understood and applied thoughtfully, can be part of a healing process for certain individuals.
- The idea that all narcissists are incapable of change or remorse can be challenged, as there is a spectrum of narcissistic behavior, and some individuals may have the capacity for growth and change.
- The psychological and emotional elements that lead to staying in detrimental partnerships are multifaceted, and there may be additional factors not addressed in the text that influence these decisions.
- The emphasis on trauma bonds might overlook other reasons why people stay in or return to abusive relationships, such as financial dependence or cultural pressures.
- The fear of repercussions is valid, but it's also important to recognize and support the resilience and agency that many survivors exhibit despite these fears.
- While understanding trauma is essential, it's also important to balance this with strategies that empower survivors to take active steps towards recovery, rather than solely focusing on the trauma itself.
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