PDF Summary:Becoming Bulletproof, by Evy Poumpouras

In Becoming Bulletproof, former Secret Service agent Evy Poumpouras wants to help you become a stronger, more resilient person. Through her time in the US Secret Service, Poumpouras learned how to conquer her fears, how to overcome difficult physical and mental challenges, and how to understand and influence others.

In our guide, we’ll explain Poumpouras’s key ideas and strategies to help you become a more resilient, effective, and competent person. We’ll teach you how to deal with fear and danger, how to cope more gracefully with day-to-day adversity, how to tell when someone is lying, and how to influence the reactions and behaviors of others. We’ll also delve deeper into the psychology behind some of the book’s ideas, and compare its strategies to similar books on influencing others.

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Take Responsibility

According to Poumpouras, another way to build resilience is to take responsibility for the decisions you make. When you take personal responsibility for your choices, you develop an attitude of control over your decisions and your life.

People often like to take responsibility for their successes and avoid responsibility for their failures, and Poumpouras argues that this is bad for your mental strength: If you’re constantly looking to place blame, you’ll become passive in difficult situations. Instead of blaming others for a problem, look for a solution. This lets you take ownership of your life again. For instance, instead of blaming your boss or coworker for a failed work project, focus on what you can do to fix it or get it right the next time.

(Shortform note: In The Oz Principle, Roger Connors, Tom Smith, and Craig Hickman argue that you can only achieve your goals if you hold yourself accountable and refuse to see yourself as a victim. Many people see themselves as victims and hold others accountable for their problems. Though sometimes you will be the victim of unfortunate circumstances or injustice, it’s when you habitually play the victim that it becomes a problem. If you do this, you’ll fail to learn from your mistakes, grow as a person, and realize your true potential.)

Develop Tolerance to Stress

Poumpouras recommends developing a tolerance to stress by exposing yourself to low levels of it. By developing a tolerance, you can alleviate some of this stress, overcome fears, and improve your ability to perform difficult tasks.

Poumpouras provides a five-step process to build your mental stress tolerance:

Introduce a stressor: Identify and introduce a stressor into your life. Start small so you don’t become overwhelmed. For instance, if you want to get over your claustrophobia, start by putting yourself in a space that is small enough to make you uncomfortable but large enough for you to handle.

Study your reaction: Take note of the way you feel and think and the way your body reacts when you introduce yourself to stress. For instance, when you entered the enclosed space, did you panic? Did your breathing intensify?

Make small changes: Identify small changes you can make to help you react more calmly and see what works. Try to control your breathing, or close your eyes and think about something that calms you.

Focus your effort: Once you know what works best for you, focus your efforts on one change that you think will help you the most. Perhaps you noticed that most of the panic comes from negative thoughts. Make positive thinking a priority.

Repeat: Repeat the first four steps, slowly adding more intensity to the stressors. Once you’ve mastered one change, focus on another. Over time, you should be able to turn a mental weakness into a strength.

Stress Inoculation and Understanding the Dangers of Stress

The steps in Poumpouras’s technique of building stress tolerance are similar to steps in a therapy method called stress inoculation training (SIT), first introduced in 1985 by psychologist Donald Meichenbaum. SIT is a more clinical approach used by psychotherapists to prepare patients to handle stressful events, but it’s based on the same philosophy as Poumpouras’s: By analyzing and becoming consciously aware of your reactions, you can gain control over them.

The SIT technique adds one key element that Poumpouras leaves out: understanding the nature of stress and its effect on the brain and body.

In the first stage of SIT, a therapist teaches a patient key concepts relating to stress and how people react to it. This helps the patient clearly understand where their stress is coming from, what they can do to cope with it, and what bad coping mechanisms they need to avoid. Also, patients should learn which aspects of their stress response they can and can’t change and adjust their actions accordingly. The key is to accept what you can’t change and work on what you can.

How to Understand People

Poumpouras argues that learning how to understand people through their words and actions can help you become stronger and more resilient in your personal and professional life. If you know what to look for, you can come to a deeper understanding of people’s emotions and feelings, which in turn will help you get more out of your relationships.

Ultimately, when we seek to understand others, we seek to know if we can trust them, which is why Poumpouras mainly focuses on how to tell when someone is lying.

Avoid Categorizing Others

Poumpouras claims that before you can learn how to read people and tell when they’re lying, you must let go of any biases and tendencies to categorize or stereotype others. We like to put people into simplified groups based on limited information and our own biases: People are either good or bad, smart or stupid. Reality, though, isn’t so black and white. People are complicated, and when we place them into simplified categories we ignore the many complexities of their personality and behavior, which makes it nearly impossible to fully understand them.

(Shortform note: In Biased, Dr. Jennifer Eberhardt explains why we categorize people and how this leads to bias: We categorize people unconsciously as a way of simplifying the complex world around us. When we place people in certain categories, it makes it easier to make judgments about one person based on how you view other people in the same category. Sometimes this can be innocuous, like when we see someone fit and assume they go to the gym a lot. But this categorization also leads to harmful stereotypes, like assuming a person is dangerous due to their skin color, or stupid because of the way they talk.)

How to Tell When Someone Is Lying

To tell when someone is lying, Poumpouras claims that you need to first establish a baseline for a person’s behavior and then look for “red flags”—unusual changes—in their speech or mannerisms that indicate they’re lying.

To establish a baseline for someone’s behavior, observe them in a casual situation first and get a sense of how they normally act. Focus on their posture, facial expressions, the words they use, and the way they speak.

Then, look for multiple red flags when trying to identify lies. If you notice multiple changes in behavior or mannerisms, you can be reasonably certain that you’re being lied to.

For example, let’s say you think a coworker you don’t know well is taking your food from the shared refrigerator. Instead of directly asking them if they’re eating your food, strike up a casual conversation first. Then, when you ask them what you want to know, look for changes in their behavior.

Why Familiarity Doesn’t Always Always Help You Detect Lies

Poumpouras argues that knowing how someone normally behaves helps you know when they’re lying. Because of this, you may assume you’ll be able to tell when a close friend or loved one is lying. But this isn’t necessarily true, and there are several reasons you may be bad at detecting a loved one’s lies:

• We trust our loved ones and often give them the benefit of the doubt.

• We fear that accusing someone of lying is rude and that it might make them uncomfortable or even angry.

• We lack the motivation to dig deeper into a loved one’s story to see if it’s a lie.

Common Red Flags

Now let’s look at the most common red flag behaviors. Although everyone behaves differently, Poumpouras claims that there are certain behaviors that people commonly exhibit when they lie. These behaviors fall into two categories: body language and verbal cues.

Body Language

Poumpouras argues that our body language reveals a lot about what we’re thinking, and if you know what to look for, it can give a glimpse into someone’s true feelings or intentions. Here are some of the most telling ways body language can give people away:

Micro-expressions: When someone is trying to hide something, they may give away their true feelings or thoughts in a series of micro-expressions—subtle facial cues that last less than half a second.

Eye Movement: People tend to use particular eye movements when in a conversation. Some people make consistent eye contact. Some look to the side when recalling information. If you know how they normally use their eyes in particular situations, a change in these behaviors can be a telltale sign of a lie.

Mouth Movement: People tend to hold a lot of tension in their mouth and jaw. They may clench their jaw or grind their teeth when they’re angry. When nervous, some people bite their lips or tighten their mouth. Both these movements might indicate a lie.

Hand Movement: We use our hands a lot when we talk, so changes in hand movement can be telling: For instance, if a person who normally gestures often puts their hands in their lap, they might be lying.

Posture: When people feel uncomfortable or defensive because they’re lying, they may cross their arms. If they feel vulnerable, they may put their weight on their elbows or rest their head in their hands to try to support or comfort themselves.

Observing Body Language in Different Personality Types

Knowing how different personality types typically use body language can enhance your lie detection abilities. In Surrounded by Idiots, communication expert Thomas Erikson separates people into four personality types (red, yellow, green, blue) and explains how they use their body language to communicate. If someone is using body language that differs from their typical behavior, this could be a sign that they’re lying. Here’s a brief overview of the four personality types and the body language they use:

Red: Red types are extroverted, ambitious, and confident. They seek to dominate others socially. Their body language will be direct and aggressive. They’ll use sharp hand gestures, make direct eye contact, and usually carry a serious facial expression.

Yellow: Yellow types are extroverted, ambitious and confident. They seek to influence or inspire others. They’ll usually be less aware of personal space while smiling frequently and seeming relaxed and comfortable.

Green: Green types are introverted, cooperative, and patient. They appreciate routine and stability. They’re usually attentive listeners and smile in a friendly way, but are more touch averse when it comes to strangers.

Blue: Blue types are introverted, obedient, and private. They seek to conform and do things as they’re meant to be done. They use little motion in their body language and facial expressions. They value personal space, and will likely show discomfort if you get too close to them.

Verbal Cues

Poumpouras provides examples of the most common verbal cues that may indicate someone is lying:

Answering with a question: People often use this as a stalling tactic. They may ask if you’re talking to them or repeat the question back to you.

Saying you’re wasting their time: People may say things like, “I don’t have time for this” or ask, “Are we done yet?” This may indicate they’re uncomfortable with the questions asked or topics discussed.

Minimizing the issue: People may try to move on from the subject by minimizing its importance. They may ask what the big deal is or say that an issue or question you bring up isn’t that important.

Lying by omission: This is a tactic people use to get others to leave them alone. They’ll say they don’t know the answer or forgot to avoid further questioning.

Over-dramatic answers: People may try to overcompensate for their lie by swearing on their children or vehemently denying an accusation.

Using present tense: When people tell a true story, it’s usually in the past tense. If they tell a story in the present tense, it may indicate they’re making up the story on the spot.

How to Ask Questions That Trigger Red Flags

Research suggests that using verbal cues to detect lies is more effective than using body language. Because of this, knowing how to ask the right questions to uncover lies can be a valuable skill. Here’s some advice on asking good questions:

Don’t ask meaningless questions: Every question should be a calculated attempt to discover the truth.

Listen as much as possible: Pay close attention to how others answer your questions and don’t interrupt them.

Remain casual and curious: If you’re too formal or aggressive, the person you’re questioning will get defensive and you won’t get as much out of them.

Include the aspect of time in your questions: If someone is lying, they’ll often get verb tenses wrong or contradict themselves when it comes to time.

How to Influence Others

Once you better understand yourself and know how to understand others, Poumpouras argues you can use this information to influence the people around you. The ability to influence others helps you be more resilient because you can get what you want out of various social interactions. Knowing how to influence others can improve your life in dramatic ways—your relationships, work life, and well-being will all benefit.

Influencing, however, is not about manipulating or deceiving someone: It’s about empathizing, building trust, and using subtle strategies to affect the way someone thinks or acts. Let’s first look at the need to establish empathy and then discuss methods of influence.

Why Empathy Is Important

Poumpouras says you must empathize with others before you can influence them. If people feel you empathize with their situation or perspective, they’re more likely to trust you, let their guard down, and be more open and honest with you. If you try to change other people through pressure, on the other hand, people are likely to pick up on it. When they do, they’ll get defensive, lose trust in you, and be suspicious of your motives. Once this trust is lost it’s hard to get back.

How to Build Trust

Poumpouras argues that practicing empathy builds trust, and trust is crucial when trying to influence others. In The Speed of Trust, Stephen Covey provides additional tips on how to get others to trust you:

Be genuine: People who feel your intentions match your words and actions are more likely to trust you.

Be humble: People are more likely to trust you if you’re open about your mistakes and imperfections.

Show you’re capable: If you make it clear that you’re effective and capable of getting things done, people will have more faith in you.

Methods of Influence

Once you’ve shown that you empathize with someone, you can then influence their behavior using three tactics.

Active Listening

Poumpouras argues that one of the most reliable ways to influence others is to actively listen. If you do this, they’ll feel valued and respected, and they’ll be more likely to listen to what you have to say. When communicating with others, especially one-on-one, put down your phone, maintain eye contact, and make it clear that you hear what they’re saying. An added benefit of actively listening is that you can carefully observe the other person’s behavior, increasing your ability to understand them and further influence their behavior in other ways.

Two Ways People Display Inattentiveness

In What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, Marshall Goldsmith elaborates on why failing to listen is such a bad habit and explains the two main ways people display this habit. When you don’t listen to others, you show them that you think they’re unimportant and unworthy of your time. This will make them lose respect for you or even resent you.

One way people show they’re not listening is by looking away while someone is talking to them. This is a subtle way of displaying your inattentiveness, but frustrating nevertheless. A more direct and offensive way people show they’re not listening is by trying to hurry a person as they speak. They might do this by looking at their watch or simply telling them to get on with it. This is likely to really get under the skin of the person talking and have a negative impact on the relationship and the other person’s trust.

Priming

Priming is a strategy of influence that subtly affects a person’s mental or emotional state before or at the beginning of an interaction, allowing you to set the tone and direction of the conversation. According to Poumpouras, you can prime someone with words, body language, or by manipulating the environment.

A therapist, for example, may want to create a welcoming, relaxing environment, so she sets up the office in a way that reflects that: She uses soft lighting, soothing colors, and an open book on the table. When the patient enters the room, the therapist’s word choice and body language also reflects a welcoming feeling. She opens up her body and hands, gesturing to have a seat. When she greets a patient, she says, “Make yourself at home” and asks if there’s anything she can do to make them more comfortable. Without realizing it, her patients will be more willing to talk openly because she primed them to feel that way.

(Shortform note: While some types of priming are well-established, many theories on priming have been called into question as new experiments fail to replicate past findings. For instance, the irreproducibility of social priming (the power of suggestion to influence behavior) research is so drastic that it has led to a “replication crisis” in the field of social psychology.)

Use Spatial Dynamics

Poumpouras argues that in your day-to-day life, you can use physical spacing to affect how others think, feel, or act toward you. The physical distance between people in conversation says a lot about their relationship, and you can change that distance to signal a change in the relationship. Generally, the closer we are with someone emotionally, the closer we’ll be to them physically. We are fine with our friends, partners, and family being in our personal space or even touching us. When we talk to strangers or acquaintances, we usually keep our distance to a few feet or more.

Therefore, if you're trying to show a loved one you care about them, put a hand on their shoulder. If you want to show a coworker they can speak openly with you, move closer during a conversation. This will make them feel a more intimate and personal connection with you without saying a word.

(Shortform note: Using the space between you and others can have its advantages, but you also need to make sure you don’t invade another’s personal space. Violating another’s personal space can have negative psychological effects, like triggering our fight, flight, or freeze response and impacting our cognitive processing abilities. Invading someone’s space thus might generate the opposite response you want in the other person.)