PDF Summary:Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
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1-Page PDF Summary of Attached
What’s the key to a happy relationship? In Attached, psychiatrist Dr. Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller argue that the secret is understanding attachment styles: the different ways that people express and perceive romantic intimacy.
In this guide, you’ll learn what attachment styles are and how you can use your knowledge of them to find a good relationship—or improve the one you already have. You’ll also discover the hidden dynamics that play a starring role in your relationship conflicts, even if you’re just fighting about who’ll make dinner. Along the way, you’ll also discover the latest research regarding attachment and discover practical tips from other psychologists so you can have the best relationship possible.
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How Other Attachment Theorists Describe Anxious Attachment
Levine and Heller’s definitions of the terms “activating strategies” and “protest behavior” are somewhat confusing. Despite using the word “strategy,” they define an “activating strategy” exclusively as a thought or feeling—not an action or plan. Additionally, they define “protest behavior” as “any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention.” By this definition, calling your partner once because she’s late coming home—an action most would find reasonable—is protest behavior. But the authors heavily imply that protest behavior must negatively impact the relationship: All of their examples of protest behavior feature unhealthy relationship behaviors, and they describe protest behavior as something you “resort to” when you’re unable to effectively communicate your needs.
Levine and Heller’s confusing definitions may result from their attempt at originality. Today, many modern-day attachment theorists refer to “hyperactivating strategies.” This all-encompassing term describes both the thoughts and feelings that prompt an anxious attacher to seek intimacy when threatened —what Levine and Heller call activating strategies—and the behavior these attachers use to regain that intimacy—what Levine and Heller call “protest behavior.” But the term specifies that these behaviors are “clingy and controlling”—so a single phone call would likely not be considered an undesirable attachment response.
If you’re an anxious attacher, accepting your romantic needs is critical to developing a happy relationship. Levine and Heller explain that many anxious attachers try to ignore their needs for intimacy and reassurance because they’re ashamed of them. But if you don’t accept these needs, you won’t express them and give your partner the opportunity to fulfill them. Alternatively, you may select a partner who’s incapable of fulfilling these needs. Either way, you’ll be perpetually unhappy because your relationship isn’t giving you what you need.
(Shortform note: You can only accept your romantic needs if you know exactly what they are. To determine yours, one anxious attachment style coach recommends reviewing whether your complaints about former partners signaled unfulfilled needs. For example, if you disliked that your partner didn’t text you every day, daily contact with your partner may be a need.)
How Avoidant Attachers Behave
A person with an avoidant attachment style doesn't possess a compelling desire to achieve closeness with a romantic partner. Like all humans, their brains are wired to seek an intimate connection, but when the partnership gets too close, they feel suffocated.
(Shortform note: The avoidant attacher’s evasion of intimacy isn’t just limited to romantic relationships; it affects their relationships with their children, too. Research indicates that avoidant attachers may not enjoy parenting their babies as much as secure attachers and that they tend to find parenting more stressful.)
Avoidant attachers employ several techniques to maintain some emotional distance from their partners. These techniques, also known as “deactivating strategies,” are thoughts or behaviors the avoidant attacher uses to keep their independence in the relationship and avoid getting too close, such as consistently prioritizing alone time over time with their partner. But by distancing yourself from your partner, you may damage the health of your relationship.
(Shortform note: The term “deactivating strategy” seems similar to “activating strategy,” but Levine and Heller’s usage of the terms are more different than they initially appear. Activating strategies are the thoughts and feelings that drive your actions—not the actions you take. In contrast, deactivating strategies include both your thoughts and your actions.)
If you’re an avoidant attacher, recognizing and combating your deactivating strategies can help you have a happy relationship. One strategy Levine and Heller recommend is to second-guess your negative thoughts about your partner: Is it really a problem, or are you trying to push your partner away?
(Shortform note: If the thing you dislike about your partner isn’t really a problem but still bothers you, try to accept your partner’s flaws. To do so, one psychologist recommends focusing on your own flaws: Reminding yourself of what you make your partner deal with may help keep their flaws in perspective.)
Incompatible Attachment Styles: Understanding Anxious-Avoidant Partnerships
Now that you know both your own and your partner’s attachment style, you can assess whether you’re capable of fulfilling each other’s emotional needs. Levine and Heller explain that while any attachment style combination can work, one is particularly volatile: anxious and avoidant attachers. In this section, we’ll discuss why people in anxious-avoidant relationships struggle so much, techniques to improve that relationship—and when you should end it.
Why Anxious-Avoidant Pairs Struggle
Levine and Heller explain that people in long-term anxious-avoidant relationships get stuck in a cycle of conflict because their intimacy needs clash. The anxious attacher always wants to be closer. The avoidant attacher will occasionally accept increased intimacy but soon grow uncomfortable and withdraw. The anxious attacher responds to this withdrawal by trying to reconnect—which repels the avoidant partner even more.
(Shortform note: Anxious and avoidant attachers may also have personality traits that exacerbate conflicts between them: One study found that anxious attachers tend to care more about fairness than avoidant attachers. So, for example, an anxious attacher may grow upset that her partner isn’t pulling equal weight in their relationship—then grow even more upset when the avoidant attacher doesn’t think this apparent inequality is a big deal.)
Levine and Heller note that while these partners may love each other, their interactions tend to worsen over time because the couple's different needs expand into every corner of life. For example, if Avoidant Annie is reluctant to marry because she wants to maintain her independence, that desire probably won’t disappear after the wedding—and may later manifest in a fight about whether to vacation together or separately. Every aspect of their shared life becomes a point of contention, and each partner’s happiness in the relationship deteriorates.
(Shortform note: You may be able to avoid at least some of this relationship deterioration by talking explicitly about your needs and values in the way relationship counselors recommend you do prior to marriage. One counselor recommends that engaged couples discuss how much time they expect to spend with each other: Once you’re married, are weekends just for your spouse? This might be particularly helpful for anxious-avoidant couples to help them understand and prepare for their differing expectations.)
Given the volatility of and pain experienced by people in anxious-avoidant relationships, Levine and Heller recommend avoiding them if you can. In other words, if you’re an anxious attacher, steer clear of long-term relationships with avoidant attachers, who can’t meet your intimacy needs. Similarly, avoidant attachers should steer clear of anxious attachers, who’ll exacerbate their desire for independence.
(Shortform note: Some critics argue that Levine and Heller default too heavily to insisting that people with insecure attachment styles find secure partners instead of trying to improve their relationships—especially when it comes to anxious-avoidant partnerships. Instead of breaking up, one option that the authors mention but don’t delve deeply into is Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT. In EFT, both partners are taught how to break out of the behavioral patterns they’re stuck in, which could improve their relationship.)
How Anxious-Avoidant Pairs Can Be Happy: Find Secure Role Models
If you’re already in an anxious-avoidant partnership, what should you do? One way you can improve your relationship, according to Levine and Heller, is by finding a secure role model and mimicking their behavior. They contend that by repeatedly behaving like a secure person, you gradually develop a more secure attachment style—and, as we’ve seen, the more secure your attachment style, the more fulfilling your relationships tend to be.
Why Does Behaving Securely Shift Your Attachment Style?
Levine and Heller don’t specify why behaving like a secure person shifts your attachment style. It’s possible that secure relationship behaviors are similar to what productivity expert James Clear calls identity-based habits. In Atomic Habits, Clear contends that you should first decide who you want to be, then develop the habits you think that person would engage in. He explains that by behaving like the person you want to be, you prove to yourself that you are that person—so you continue performing those behaviors as an expression of your identity. Similarly, behaving like a secure person could make you believe that you are a secure person—and shift your attachment style as a result.
To practice secure behavior effectively, Levine and Heller recommend that both the anxious and avoidant partner do the following:
- Find a role model—someone who has a comfortable and secure way of dealing with others.
- Think about the role model’s specific behaviors and actions in response to a variety of life situations. For example, how do they behave when someone in their life angers them?
- When you face a conflict, think about what your role model would do—and use their behavior to inform your own.
How Others Recommend Role-Modeling Secure Behavior
Many experts recommend mimicking secure role models, but their recommendations differ from Levine and Heller’s in some key ways. Notably, Levine and Heller state that your role model can be someone you know either well or superficially. In contrast, one advice columnist warns against modeling your relationships after couples you don’t know well: The less you know the couple, the greater the chances you’ll idealize their relationship.
In addition, while Levine and Heller recommend learning by observing others’ behavior, this columnist recommends asking the couple directly how they behave in various situations instead of relying solely on your observations.
When You Should End the Relationship
While you can learn from role models, some relationships can’t be fixed. Levine and Heller explain that if you’re an anxious person with an avoidant partner and the following statements ring true, your partnership has become harmful and possibly abusive, and you may need to end it:
- Your partner is kind to everybody else but not to you—in fact, you don’t like to discuss with others how your partner treats you.
- Your partner values others’ opinions more than yours.
- You don't really know much about your partner's life, so you feel you have to spy on them to find out.
- You don't know if you can count on your partner to be there for you in an emergency situation.
Avoidant vs. Abusive: How Can You Tell?
Levine and Heller don’t properly distinguish between behaviors that are harmful versus abusive, only noting that these behaviors occur if the avoidant partner views their anxious partner as “the enemy.” This may lead the anxious partner to misidentify the nature of the behaviors they’re experiencing—or not notice that their own behavior may be abusive: Notably, spying on your partner is considered a sign of abuse. If you think you might be experiencing abuse, experts generally recommend calling a local domestic violence hotline to get the support you need.
While the behaviors the authors describe may or may not be abusive, they are definitely harmful to the health of your relationship. All of these behaviors indicate contempt toward your partner, which is a death knell for your relationship. In fact, renowned relationship researcher John Gottman has found that contempt is the “number one predictor of divorce.”
How to Behave More Securely in Your Relationships
Copying the behaviors of secure attachers isn’t the only benefit for people in anxious-avoidant relationships: Levine and Heller contend that learning to communicate and to fight like a secure attacher benefits your romantic relationships. In this section, you’ll first learn why it’s important to communicate like a secure attacher and how exactly you can do so. Then, you’ll learn why it’s important to handle conflicts like a secure attacher and the rules you should follow when you fight.
Four Rules for Communicating Like a Secure Attacher
Levine and Heller contend that whether you’re single or partnered, learning to communicate like a secure attacher will help you thrive in your intimate relationships. If you’re seeking a new partner, communicating your needs directly and honestly can help you choose someone who’s emotionally capable of meeting them and weed out the ones who aren’t. Once you're in a relationship, communicating effectively helps ensure your needs are met.
(Shortform note: Levine and Heller’s contention that communication is essential to relationships echoes that of many relationship experts. In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, relationship counselor John Gray expands upon this contention: He argues that in heterosexual relationships, women and men are practically speaking different languages because men talk to communicate information while women talk to communicate feelings—and to have a successful relationship, you must learn to respond to what your partner actually wants. Generally speaking, men should communicate how much they care about their female partner, while women should communicate how much they trust their male partner.)
Levine and Heller explain that to communicate like a secure attacher, express your needs and expectations directly and in a nonthreatening, inoffensive, and noncritical manner. You can do so by following these four rules.
- Be honest and speak openly. Your needs matter—no matter how your partner feels about them. It might be scary, but it’s only by making your desires clear that you give your partner the opportunity to fulfill them. Example: "I’d like to get married in the next two years. I want to find out if you see us getting married in that time frame." (Shortform note: Levine and Heller’s advice contradicts many dating advice books, which recommend expressing your desires more subtly. In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, comedian Steve Harvey urges women to express their standards in an organic way that lets men read between the lines—like by saying, “I see myself being married in the next two years.”)
- Express your needs directly, without blaming or judging. Use phrases like "I need," "I feel," and "I want." Remember, your goal is not to make your partner feel inadequate—after all, their needs are just as valid as yours. Example: "I need to know that you respect my intelligence. When you make jokes about me being a dumb blonde, I question whether you value me for my brains or my looks." (Shortform note: Some people try to use “I feel” statements but continue to blame their partner with statements like “I feel that you’re being unkind.” This is not about your needs but about your partner’s actions. To avoid this trap, experts recommend ensuring that your “I” statements actually discuss your personal experience—like by saying, “I feel hurt when you make dumb blonde jokes.”)
- Use specific examples to illustrate your concerns. Don't rely on generalities, which leave room for misunderstandings. Stick to concrete language. For example, say, "When you make plans with friends and don’t tell me about them in advance, I feel like you don't want the kind of intimacy that I need." (Shortform note: Being specific may be especially helpful at the beginning of the discussion, which one relationship psychologist contends is the most important part: The tone you set then will determine how the rest of the conversation goes. So consider starting with a specific issue instead of saying, “You never tell me about your plans.”)
- Time your discussion for when both parties are calm and collected. If the situation is already volatile, let it simmer down before you attempt an honest, forthright discussion. (Shortform note: Psychologists also warn against arguing when either party’s basic needs—like sleep and proper food—haven’t been met: Someone who’s hungry or tired isn’t in the right mindset to have a productive conversation.)
How to Defuse Conflict Like a Secure Attacher
Levine and Heller suggest that learning to fight like a secure attacher can also improve your relationship. They explain that while not every couple faces the intimacy-related disagreements discussed throughout this guide, even the most secure couples fight about basic, daily-life issues—like who’ll make dinner or take out the trash. However, research indicates that such arguments can actually help couples grow closer. Levine and Heller contend that this is because secure attachers follow certain rules of communication that let them effectively work through the conflict without destroying their relationship in the process.
So if you’re an insecure attacher facing a daily-life conflict, Levine and Heller recommend following these rules to effectively work through it. (Just make sure it’s actually a daily-life conflict: As we’ve seen, some conflicts—like whether to vacation together or separately—seem initially like a daily-life conflict but are actually symptomatic of clashing intimacy needs.)
How Other Researchers Define Relationship Conflicts
While Levine and Heller categorize relationship conflict as either intimacy-related or daily-life-related, other researchers use different terms. Notably, Gottman categorizes relationship issues into three types: solvable conflicts around a particular topic; perpetual conflicts that relate to fundamental personality or value differences; and gridlocked conflicts, which are perpetual conflicts that have escalated due to poor management.
According to Gottman, only one-third of conflicts in a relationship are solvable; the other two-thirds are perpetual or gridlocked. But just as some daily-life conflicts are actually intimacy-related, the same issues can be solvable or perpetual depending on the situation. So how do you tell which is which? If you can’t tell, the answer may simply be to talk about it: Gottman recommends examining the emotional roots of each conflict, so that you can learn more about your partner and thus grow closer—even if you never resolve the initial issue.
- Prioritize both your and your partner’s happiness. Remember that in a partnership, you’re looking for every conflict to end in a win-win situation. (Shortform note: In Crucial Accountability, the authors describe the importance of establishing a sense of shared purpose before a difficult conversation. To do so, lay out the facts, express your feelings, then ask for your partner’s perspective: This demonstrates that you care about your partner’s feelings and want to solve the issue together.)
- Keep the argument centered on the present issue—don't get sidetracked or expand the argument to include other issues. A conflict about someone leaving the kitchen a mess shouldn't turn into an argument about who takes on more work in the household. (Shortform note: Focusing the argument on one issue can be easier said than done. If something else comes up that needs to be dealt with, experts recommend scheduling a separate conversation to discuss it.)
- Stay focused and don’t distance yourself emotionally or physically. You need to approach the issue head-on until it gets resolved in a mutually agreeable way—even if it takes some arguing to get there. (Shortform note: Psychologists note that even if you’re actively engaged in the discussion, your body language may convey emotional resistance to the conversation. So try to transmit cues that convey that you’re open to the discussion—like with appropriate eye contact.)
- Tell your partner exactly what you need and want. No matter how long you've been with your partner, they can’t anticipate all your needs. (Shortform note: Telling your partner exactly what you want may also prevent them from misinterpreting you. Consider active listening: In this technique, before responding to your partner, you first repeat back what you think they said to help validate them and to ensure you’ve understood their message correctly.)
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PDF Summary Chapter 1: Understanding Attachment in Relationships
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Attachment differences manifest themselves in a wide range of partnership scenarios from budget-planning to raising children to daily chores to sex. In fact, knowing someone's attachment style is an excellent predictor of how they will behave in any partnership situation.
Every Human Has an Attachment Style
Regardless of where in the world people live, what sex they are, or what culture or religion they belong to, slightly more than 50 percent of all people are secure attachers, about 25 percent are avoidant, and about 20 percent are anxious. The remaining 5 percent are combined anxious-avoidants.
In this summary, we’ll discuss how people develop these different attachment styles, and how they can change over time. We’ll explain how to determine your own attachment style as well as the attachment styles of your long-term partners or people you’re just starting to date. We’ll show how attachment needs affect our ability to thrive and why only some people will be able to meet your specific needs. We’ll also detail the emotional costs of getting attached to someone with a drastically different attachment style than your own. (And if you're already in this kind of...
PDF Summary Chapter 2: Dependency Doesn't Mean Weakness
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An Attachment Conflict on Reality TV
A popular reality TV show provides a good example of how our relationships can make us either stronger or weaker, depending on whether or not our emotional needs are met. In the show, couples dash around the globe and test the mettle of their relationships by participating in adventure challenges together, such as bungee-jumping off bridges and kayaking through rough seas.
In one of the first episodes, one couple succeeded in several challenges and nearly won the big cash prize, but ultimately they were foiled by attachment issues. When tensions between the couple escalated during particularly high-risk challenges, the woman repeatedly asked her partner to hold her hand. She couldn’t explain why, but she believed that small gesture would give her the confidence she needed.
Her partner refused to do it. When asked why, he said he was irritated by his girlfriend's "neediness."
After the pair lost the race, the woman blamed herself, telling TV viewers she felt ashamed of not being able to manage her fear in high-risk situations.
The outcome of the race might have been different if this couple had understood the basic tenets...
PDF Summary Chapter 3: Decoding Your Own Attachment Style
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You probably have a secure attachment style if these points are generally true for you:
- You enjoy intimacy and closeness with your partner.
- You don't feel insecure about your relationship or your partner's feelings for you.
You probably have an anxious attachment style if these points are generally true for you:
- You crave intimacy and closeness with your partner.
- You often feel insecure about your partner's feelings toward you or what the future holds for your relationship.
- You tend to get annoyed or upset at little things your partner does or doesn’t do.
You probably have an avoidant attachment style if these points are generally true for you:
- You value your independence more highly than a relationship.
- You feel uncomfortable when your partner wants too much closeness.
- You never worry about your partner's commitment level.
Gender Stereotypes Don't Apply
Many of us equate the avoidant attachment style with men and the anxious attachment style with women, but these stereotypes aren't valid. Both men and women possess all three attachment styles.
The Fourth Category: Combined Anxious-Avoidant
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Learn more about our summaries →PDF Summary Chapter 4: Decoding Your Partner's Attachment Style
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Secure attachers are consistent and reliable—they show up on time, they phone when they say they're going to phone, and they keep promises. They discuss plans with you and don't make decisions until they get your input. They open up their lives to you and typically introduce you to their family and friends relatively early in the relationship.
They’re also excellent communicators and know how to ask for what they want. They tell you if something is bothering them. They aren't afraid to discuss emotional issues or "touchy" relationship issues. They express their feelings for you openly and often—for example, it's easy for them to say "I love you."
If you're in a relationship with a secure attacher, you're in an emotionally safe place. Your partner engulfs you in an emotionally protective shield. They’re very concerned about your well-being and are almost always willing to work out disagreements in a fair, compromising way. They enjoy being your secure base and making it easier for you to face the perils of the outside world.
How to Recognize an Anxious Partner
A person with an anxious attachment style **has a compelling desire to achieve closeness with a...
PDF Summary Chapter 5: Your Life as an Anxious Attacher
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When Anxious Attachment Goes Awry
Anxious attachers want frequent contact with their partners. If they're not getting it, they may employ “activating strategies,” like calling or texting excessively until they get a response. When they don't believe their emotional needs are being met, they may engage in psychological games, known as "protest behaviors," designed to get their partner to pay attention. Examples might be ignoring or manipulating their partner, threatening to leave the relationship, or keeping score on who called last or how much time it took for so-and-so to return a voicemail. They may even engage in acts to make their partner jealous.
Obviously, this behavior doesn't usually help the anxious attacher's cause. And if the anxious attacher's partner leaves the relationship because of it, the masochistic behavior may continue. Once an anxious attachment system is activated, it's hard to turn it off.
When an Anxious Attacher Meets a Secure Attacher
If you are an anxious attacher, your best chance of finding a stable, fulfilling, long-lasting relationship is to fall in love with a partner who has a secure attachment style. He or she won't feel...
PDF Summary Chapter 6: Your Life as an Avoidant Attacher
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How Avoidant Attachers React to Their Partners
If you have an avoidant attachment style but believe you genuinely desire a close, intimate relationship, it's worth taking the time to examine how you behave when other people try to get close.
First off, understand that you are always maneuvering for independence and negotiating how to keep your relationships at a comfortable distance. This occurs on an everyday basis in even the smallest of ways.
Just like anxious attachers use “activating strategies” to try to bring their partners closer (like texting or calling multiple times a day or repeatedly telling their partners how much they love them), avoidant attachers use "deactivating strategies" to keep a romantic partner at arm's length. It's their way of turning off their natural attachment mechanism. It's apparent in their communications, actions, attitudes, and beliefs.
If you're an avoidant attacher, you experience the following fairly often:
- You feel deeply lonely even when you're in a relationship. You constantly wonder if there isn't someone better out there for you.
- You connect with your romantic partner at certain times, but you always keep a...
PDF Summary Chapter 7: Your Life as a Secure Attacher
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- You go into every date fully expecting to be treated with respect, dignity, and kindness.
- If a potential partner behaves offensively, you don't take it personally. (Secure attachers understand that another person's bad behavior is merely a reflection of them.)
How to Find a Secure Partner
Given how secure attachers behave, it's not surprising that they tend to be very good at picking partners who share the same secure style. By focusing only on potential partners who can meet their emotional needs, they often wind up with fulfilling, long-lasting relationships.
For everybody else, there's good news: Even if you don't naturally have a secure attachment style, you can take a few lessons from those who do. If you're trying to find a romantic partner, adopt the behaviors and attitudes of a secure attacher (in other words, follow the guidelines in the bullet list above).
How to Make Your Partner Feel Secure
Even if you’re an anxious or avoidant attacher, you can adopt the behaviors of a secure attacher for your partner’s benefit (no matter what their attachment style is).
The research: A study out of Carnegie Mellon University found that three...
PDF Summary Chapter 8: When Anxious and Avoidant Attachers Collide
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In these “stably unstable” relationships, interactions tend to worsen over time because the couple's differences expand into every corner of life. For example, what starts as a conflict over whether to get married becomes a standoff over issues like visiting each other's families, splitting the household chores evenly, or spending money on a joint vacation. The gap between partners widens as every aspect of their shared life becomes a point of contention.
Additionally, most conflicts are left unresolved because the avoidant attacher doesn't want resolution. So with every argument, the anxious partner falls further behind in the emotional contest between the two. The anxious partner realizes—once again—that they are losing the fight to bring the avoidant partner closer, which makes them act out with greater vigor.
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PDF Summary Chapter 9: How Anxious-Avoidant Pairs Can Find Resolution
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2. Inventory Your Behavior in Past Relationships
If you're trying to improve who you are in a relationship today, it's worth looking back at your relationship history. Based on the previous chapters, you already know your attachment style. The next step is to dig a little deeper and examine how your attachment style has played out in your past relationships. Looking at your past romantic relationships through the lens of attachment theory can help you understand what's going on in your present relationship. Follow these steps:
- First, list the names of your last three romantic partners, both long-term partners and also people you dated for a shorter period of time.
- Make a brief list of what stands out about those relationships—vivid recollections of the time you shared. It's best to come up with specific scenarios rather than general impressions. Ideally, come up with similar scenarios for each relationship. (For example, if you lived with all three partners, think about how you felt immediately after you moved in together.)
- Ask yourself how you responded in those scenarios. Did you feel sad, resentful, pressured, angry, inferior, worthless,...
PDF Summary Chapter 10: When and How to End Your Anxious-Avoidant Relationship
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Suzy acts unkindly to Bob—and no one else—because she sees him as the enemy. He has gotten too close to her, and she feels suffocated.
How to Know If Your Partnership Has Become Toxic
If these statements apply to you and/or your relationship, your partnership has become harmful and possibly abusive:
- You don't want your friends and family to witness how your partner treats you.
- Your partner has a reputation for being a wonderful human being—but this doesn't match up with what you see.
- Your partner is more concerned about how strangers view him or her than how you do.
- Your partner is nicer to other people than he or she is to you.
- Your partner dismisses your opinion or insults your intelligence.
- You don't really know much about your partner's life, so you feel you have to spy on them to find out.
- You don't feel confident that your partner would be there for you in an emergency situation.
Why Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
If you're in an anxious-avoidant pairing that has become abusive or damaging, the first step is to admit it. Many people feel ashamed of their predicament and try to brush it off by saying "no relationship is...
PDF Summary Chapter 11: Communicate Like a Secure Attacher
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- Use specific examples to illustrate your concerns. Don't rely on generalities, which leave room for misunderstandings. Stick to concrete language. Example: "When you don't sleep in the bed with me after we have sex, I feel like you don't want the kind of intimacy that I need."
- Avoid blaming, judging, or accusing. Your goal is not to make your partner feel inadequate—after all, their needs are just as valid as yours. Example: "I need to know that you respect my intelligence. When you make jokes about me being a dumb blonde, I question whether you value me for my brains or my looks."
- Time your discussion for when both parties are calm and collected. If the situation is already volatile, let it simmer down before you attempt an honest, forthright discussion.
How Communication Reveals Attachment Styles
Communicating effectively with your partner will reveal a lot about their attachment style. After calmly stating your needs to your partner, pay attention to how they respond. Even in the early stages of a relationship, their response will likely be telling:
1. Do they listen attentively and seem genuinely concerned about what you're...
PDF Summary Chapter 12: Handle Day-to-Day Conflicts Like a Secure Attacher
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- Be willing to take part in the discussion—don't disengage or withdraw. Both partners need to be willing to approach the issue head-on until it gets resolved in a mutually agreeable way—even if it takes some arguing to get there.
- Openly communicate your needs and feelings. No matter how long you've been together with your partner, don't expect him or her to be a mind reader. Tell them exactly what you need or want.
Why Anxious and Avoidant Attachers Fear Conflict
When a daily life conflict rears its not-so-pretty head, anxious attachers will feel threatened. Even though it's just an argument about whether to spend money on new car tires or a new hot tub, their fear of abandonment may kick in. They'll think the worst: "Oh no, things aren't perfect between us—that means we’re going to break up." Their fear of their partner's unavailability or their own inferiority may send them into a negative spiral—even though it's unwarranted.
Avoidants will take the opposite stance to conflict—they'll shut down and try to remove themselves from the situation. They may use a strategy like criticizing their partner as a way to distance themselves from the...