PDF Summary:Atlas of the Heart, by Brené Brown

In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown—a popular public speaker, bestselling author, and professional social worker—provides a guide to the many emotions and mental states that people feel. Brown says many people can only recognize and name three emotions: happiness, sadness, and anger. This lack of vocabulary blocks us from being able to fully experience and share our feelings with others.

Atlas of the Heart provides descriptions and explanations of 87 emotions, along with the situations where you’re likely to encounter them. With a deeper understanding of emotions, you’ll be able to talk about them more openly and accurately, and thus form deeper connections with the people around you.

This guide provides actionable advice for handling negative emotions and embracing positive ones. It will also provide some biological and psychological background for why we have certain feelings and why those feelings are so powerful.

(continued)...

Brown wants us to work toward a particular form of confidence that she calls grounded confidence: a powerful sense of self that comes from accurate analysis of what we’ve done and what we can do. For example, an accomplished performer might still feel stage fright, but she can draw confidence from the knowledge that she’s experienced and skilled, and that audiences love her shows.

Brown adds that defensiveness comes from a lack of grounded confidence—we feel the need to protect ourselves from anything that might disrupt our self-image or sense of self-worth, so we immediately turn to justifications and excuses for any negative traits we have and any mistakes we make.

(Shortform note: In The Confidence Code, the authors note that the commonly accepted image of confidence is how men traditionally express it: We imagine someone boasting about his skills, forcefully making decisions, and rolling over anyone who tries to argue with him. However, confidence doesn’t have to be loud and aggressive—someone who can listen quietly, make a decision calmly, and admit when he doesn’t have all the answers is also displaying confidence.)

On the other hand, humility is grounded confidence combined with a willingness to learn and improve. While it’s often considered to be the opposite of confidence, Brown says that humility is actually a function of confidence—we have to be secure enough in ourselves to recognize when we might be wrong and when we have room to grow.

Brown sums up humility by quoting another of her books, Dare to Lead: “I’m here to get it right, not to be right.”

(Shortform note: In Dare to Lead, Brown continues her discussion of humility by saying that humble people are those who ask questions, think critically, and admit when they don’t know something. In contrast, people who lack humility act like they know everything: They refuse to ask questions, believe their ideas are the only good ones, and clash with anyone who disagrees with them or proves them wrong.)

The near enemy of confidence is hubris, which is an overblown sense of our own capabilities that’s not tied to any actual achievements. Counterintuitively, Brown believes that hubris is actually a function of low self-esteem. Much like defensiveness, people who lack confidence feel the need to build themselves up and defend themselves from any negative attention—even (or perhaps especially) negative attention from themselves.

A side note: Brown adds that people often use the word pride when they mean hubris. However, pride is a healthy and positive state of satisfaction with achievements—our own or someone else’s.

(Shortform note: There are stories and cautionary tales about hubris dating all the way back to ancient Greece, notably the story of Icarus. Icarus’s father gave him a set of wax wings that allowed him to fly, but in his hubris, Icarus ignored his father’s warnings and flew too high. The sun’s heat melted the wax, and Icarus fell to his death. This story illustrates how hubris can lead us to believe that we’re invincible, or that we know better than anyone else, and the dangers of thinking that way.)

How We Relate to External Events

Some of our feelings don’t directly tell us about ourselves; rather, they’re responses to what we perceive happening around us.

When Dealing With Uncertainty: Stress and Anxiety

When events demand more of us than we feel we can give, we experience stress. For example, if you have more work on your plate than you can handle, you probably feel stressed about it. When we’re stressed, we benefit from support; we need people to ask how they can help and to take some of the work off of our plates.

In extreme cases, we can become so stressed that we can’t even function—Brown calls this state overwhelm. We’re so overloaded that we shut down physically and mentally. Others asking us what we need is not helpful here, because we might not be able to come up with an answer. The only way out of overwhelm is to take a break, disconnect, and do nothing for a while.

(Shortform note: Rest is crucial to prevent stress from growing into overwhelm or burnout. In The 5 AM Club, Robin Sharma explains that rest actually has two crucial functions: First, it allows you to recover from working so that you avoid exhausting yourself. Second, it allows your body and mind to strengthen themselves in response to the work you did—this applies equally to physical exercise and practicing skills.)

Anxiety, simply put, is concern about the future. Brown explains it as feeling like we’re not in control—we don’t know what’s going to happen, so we imagine the worst. For example, if you’re waiting for the results of a medical test, you might be anxious about what those results will show.

Interestingly, excitement is nearly identical to anxiety, but we interpret the feelings in a positive way instead of a negative one. For example, one person might find gambling thrilling, while another can only imagine losing all of his or her money.

Turn Anxiety Into Excitement

In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman explains that anxiety is a sort of mental rehearsal: We repeatedly imagine what could go wrong so that we can prepare ourselves to deal with it. However, in many cases, we keep worrying long past the point of any benefit; you can only go over an event so many times before there’s nothing left to plan.

Goleman suggests using a set of four questions to help break out of this cycle of anxiety. In some cases, we can also use these questions to turn that anxiety to excitement:

• How likely is the thing I’m afraid of? For example, if you’re afraid of flying because you think your plane will crash, a little research will show that it’s a one-in-a-million chance—literally.

• How else might the situation play out? This is where you have the chance to start turning anxiety into excitement. Instead of imagining all the ways the situation could be unpleasant or dangerous, think of how it could be enjoyable or fun.

• What steps can I take to deal with this problem? In other words, if the dreaded event happens, how will you handle it? Make a plan for your exciting situation as well—if the situation ends up being enjoyable, how will you take full advantage of it?

• Is all of this worrying helpful? Once you’ve figured out how likely an unpleasant event is, made a plan for how to handle it, and considered how things might go better than you expect (and made a plan for that as well), step back and ask if there’s any benefit to thinking about it further. If all you’re doing is spinning your mental wheels, then it’s time to disengage and find something else to occupy your mind for a while.

Whereas anxiety is concern about the unknown, fear is a response to a perceived threat. Fear is a short-lived sensation that prepares us to deal with immediate danger using Fight, Flight, or Freeze responses.

• Fight: defending ourselves from the danger
• Flight: escaping from the danger
• Freeze: stopping in place, hoping the danger will pass us by without noticing

(Shortform note: Fear is such a powerful emotion because it’s hardwired into our biology—it kept our ancestors safe from predators and other dangers, and it still helps keep us alive today. Unfortunately, while fear is useful, what we feel is often disproportionate to any actual threat. For instance, there’s no need to fight, flee, or freeze in response to an exam question; all you can do is answer it.)

When Reality Falls Short of Expectations: Boredom and Disappointment

Brown describes boredom as wanting to do something fulfilling and not being able to. You feel understimulated, your tasks (if you have any) seem meaningless and unsatisfying, and time seems to stretch out.

If you’re in control of the situation, boredom is likely to leave you feeling lazy and lethargic—for example, if you’re sitting at home and simply can’t find anything to fill the time. Conversely, when you’re not in control, boredom is more likely to make you feel antsy and frustrated; like being stuck at school or work and wishing you could do something else.

(Shortform note: In Atomic Habits, James Clear has a different idea of where boredom comes from: lack of novelty and lack of challenge. In other words, if we’re doing something that’s both familiar and easy, we’ll quickly become bored with it. Clear’s solution to boredom is to keep things interesting by coming up with new challenges for yourself—make these challenges tough enough to be interesting, but not so difficult that they’re frustrating. For example, if you’re getting bored at your job, you might challenge yourself to do your work more quickly (but just as well) or look for a new skill to add to your repertoire.)

Disappointment is the negative state that you feel when your expectations aren’t met. Brown says the more important the expectation was to you, the deeper and more painful the disappointment will be. For example, if you wanted pizza for dinner and wound up eating chicken, you might experience mild discomfort from your disappointment. On the other hand, if you were expecting your partner to throw you a birthday party but he forgot that it even was your birthday, you might feel deeply hurt.

Brown adds that regret is similar to disappointment, but it’s specific to times when you think the outcome was in your control. In other words, regret is disappointment plus guilt: Things didn’t play out the way you wanted, and it feels like it’s your own fault.

Overcome Disappointment With Hope

In Grit, Angela Duckworth defines hope as the belief that you can make things better; not just that things will get better, but that you personally have the power to make it so. Therefore, hope counteracts disappointment and regret—it leads you from, “Things didn’t work out” to, “I’ll make sure things work out next time.”

Duckworth also ties hope to what psychologist Carol Dweck calls the growth mindset, which is the belief that people can change and improve over time. Hope goes hand-in-hand with a growth mindset because, in order to believe that you can make things better, you have to believe that you can become better.

The alternative to a growth mindset is a fixed mindset: a belief that people’s abilities and personalities are ingrained from birth. Here’s how each mindset might respond to disappointment or regret:

• Fixed mindset: Things didn’t work out because I’m not good enough.

• Growth mindset: Things didn’t work out this time because I didn’t do well enough this time.

Brown briefly touches on three other common responses to events playing out differently than you hoped or expected:

• Frustration: It feels like you could create the desired outcome, but something outside of your control is preventing it.
• Discouragement: You’re losing confidence in your ability to create the desired outcome. As a result of that, you’re also losing the motivation to keep trying.
• Resignation: The endpoint of discouragement—you no longer believe that you can change the situation, and you’ve totally given up trying.

(Shortform note: In How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Dale Carnegie discusses how to let go of these feelings by accepting what you can’t change and focusing your efforts on things that are within your control. His advice includes taking things one day at a time instead of fretting about what might happen later, keeping yourself busy with what you can do, and making the best of the situation—for instance, if a power failure ruins your dinner plans, that could be an opportunity to go to that new restaurant you’ve been meaning to try.)

How We Relate to Other People

Our emotions don’t just give us feedback about our own lives, they also provide valuable guidance in social situations. However, Brown explains that we have to understand what they’re trying to tell us and recognize when those messages are misguided.

When used correctly and channeled into positive actions, our emotions are a powerful force of love and connection; used improperly, they cut us off from each other, leaving us divided and hateful.

When Something Is Wrong: Anger and Disgust

Anger is what we feel when something gets in the way of what we want or disrupts the way we think things are supposed to be. Brown says that anger is a highly active state—it makes us want to lash out, fix the perceived problem, and hurt whatever (or whoever) caused it.

Disgust is a strong aversion to something or someone. Brown believes that disgust stems from wanting to protect ourselves from toxic substances, but that protective instinct has somehow extended to protecting ourselves from “toxic” people and ideas.

The author adds that the combination of anger and disgust is contempt. Contempt is usually directed toward people, and it’s the belief that not only has a person done something wrong, but that he or she has some deep, fundamental flaw. In other words, contempt doesn’t just say, “You did a bad thing”; it says, “You’re a bad person, and I’m better than you.”

Finally, hate is a powerful combination of contempt and fear reserved for those we believe are truly evil. We believe that those we hate are not just bad people, but also dangerous people who need to be destroyed.

How to Positively Use Negative Emotions

Many of us try to ignore our negative feelings or push them away, especially when they relate to others; we try to be patient, tolerant, and loving at all times. However, if we learn to listen to our emotions—even the unpleasant ones—we often find that they’re giving us important information. Here’s how you can turn negative emotions into positive action:

• Acknowledge the feeling. Instead of trying to suppress a negative emotion, admit that you’re feeling it. Doing so will allow you to address that feeling in a healthy way.

• Determine what it’s telling you. Figure out the intent behind the feeling. For example, if you’re angry, ask yourself what doesn’t match your image of how things should be; if you feel disgust, ask what that feeling is trying to protect you from.

• Evaluate the feeling. Once you know what the emotion is telling you, ask yourself whether it’s an accurate assessment of the situation. Does someone truly deserve your contempt, or did he just make a mistake? If you feel hatred, ask yourself whether you really believe that person is evil, cruel, and unable (or unwilling) to change—and might there be something you don’t know that would help explain it?

• Take action (or not). Based on your interpretation and evaluation of the feeling, you can take informed, constructive action. For example, you could try to fix whatever is making you angry, or you could work through your feelings of disgust to connect with someone else. However, you might also decide that there’s no way you can help; in that case, by acknowledging and understanding your feelings, you’ve already done all you can.

When We Feel for Others: Empathy

Brown says that empathy is the ability to understand and echo what someone else feels. However, note that empathy doesn’t mean imagining yourself in someone else’s place, or “walking a mile in his shoes,” as the old saying goes—trying to do so will cause you to bring your own biases and experiences to the situation. Rather, it means that you understand and accept the other person’s feelings, even if they might not be the same feelings you’d have in his place.

Brown adds that compassion is empathy plus action: It’s the practice of relating to others and, as a result, acting to ease their suffering.

(Shortform note: Compassion and empathy both literally mean “suffering with.” It’s unclear exactly when or how compassion became associated with action, but many other writers agree with Brown about this distinction. Some add that, because it involves action, compassion is preferable to empathy.)

Brown says that sympathy is the near enemy of empathy: It looks the same, but there’s no sense of connection. Just the opposite, in fact—sympathy draws a clear line between the person suffering and ourselves. In other words, sympathy is feeling bad for someone, but being unable (or unwilling) to relate to that person.

The author adds that pity is sympathy with a sense of hierarchy: We don’t just feel bad for the person suffering, we feel like he or she is somehow “less than” we are. For instance, drug addicts are common subjects of pity—people often feel bad for them, but also consider them distasteful or dangerous, and they may even blame the addicts for their own situations.

(Shortform note: Another way to recognize sympathy and pity is that they’re inactive states. In other words, we feel like we’re either not able or not obligated to help people whom we feel pity for. For example, if you encountered a drug addict on the street, you could theoretically pay for treatment to help him get better. However, that would require significant sacrifice on your part—sacrifice that you’re likely unable or unwilling to make for a stranger. In short, if you feel a genuine connection and desire to help, then you’re experiencing compassion born from empathy; if you just “feel bad” for someone and don’t feel a strong desire to act, then you’re experiencing pity born from sympathy.)

Pity involves comparison: evaluating or ranking ourselves in relation to others. Those self-assigned “ranks” can affect everything from how we speak to others to how we feel about ourselves.

Brown notes a common misconception about comparisons: Thinking that others are “above” us makes us feel bad, while thinking others are “below” us makes us feel good. In fact, either type of comparison can cause positive or negative emotions. For instance, thinking that someone is stronger, smarter, or more skilled than you could be disheartening, but it could also inspire you to try to reach his or her level. Similarly, thinking that others are worse than you in some way might feed your ego, or it might frustrate you that they don’t live up to your standards.

(Shortform note: Comparison is pervasive and powerful because, as Richard Dawkins explains in The Selfish Gene, competition is hardwired into our biology. Every living organism competes with others: They compete for resources, territory, mates, and so on. Those competitions often involve comparing themselves to each other in some way other than actually fighting. Therefore, they instinctively compare their sizes, weights, and social standings; they might also posture and make threatening displays. Whatever the method, the result is that both competitors know where they stand in relation to each other. That drive for comparison and competition is still inside each of us today.)

When We Reach Out to Others: Love, Trust, and Vulnerability

Brown defines love as a deep and fulfilling connection between people. Brown says that love begins with deep trust and the freedom to be yourself: You open yourself up to another person, and that other person opens up to you. You leave yourselves vulnerable to each other and honor that shared vulnerability with kindness, respect, and warmth. In other words, love is a deep form of shared belonging.

Trust is the choice to take something that’s important to you and make it vulnerable to another person—it’s the belief that something you value deeply will be safe with another person. For example, when you hire a babysitter, you’re trusting that person with your child; when you confess your feelings for someone, you’re trusting that person with your emotional well-being.

Vulnerability is what you experience when you take a risk, or leave yourself open to emotional harm. Even Brown has a hard time explaining exactly what vulnerability is, but it’s what you might feel when you confess your feelings for someone or ask for feedback on a deeply personal issue—it’s the knowledge that you’ve exposed an emotional weak spot and that someone could use it to hurt you.

However, Brown says that vulnerability is a prerequisite for courage: You have to make yourself vulnerable in order to take big chances like starting a new career, entering a new relationship, or taking on a leadership role.

You Cannot Be Harmed

Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations—one of the definitive books on Stoicism—argues that we shouldn’t fear opening up to others simply because there’s nothing to be afraid of. According to Stoicism, a philosophy based on logic and duty, the only thing that can truly hurt us is something that hurts our character; which, to a Stoic, means something that affects our ability to be rational or our willingness to carry out our duties.

Because of that belief, a Stoic like Aurelius would embrace love and trust freely, and he wouldn’t be afraid to leave himself emotionally vulnerable by doing so. Aurelius would argue that emotional pain doesn’t matter because it isn’t truly harming him. Furthermore, he’d say that taking advantage of his vulnerability is a failing on the part of the other person, not himself.

Belonging Versus Fitting In

Brown says that belonging is when you can truly be yourself, and the people around you love you for it. To put it another way, belonging means being someplace where you want to be, and others want you there; it’s a true connection with a group of people.

Conversely, “fitting in” is the near enemy of belonging: It resembles true belonging, but lacks the connection and love. It’s being somewhere you don’t necessarily want to be, and where you have to adjust your behavior to match the others. Far from trying to forge genuine connections, you’re putting up a false front just to avoid negative attention.

(Shortform note: Another way to look at the difference between belonging and fitting in is: Fitting in means changing yourself to match your environment, while belonging means finding or creating an environment that matches you. In other words, fitting in means focusing outward, while belonging means focusing inward. Therefore, it’s natural that true belonging is more personally fulfilling than simply fitting in.)