PDF Summary:Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson

In Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, psychologist Lindsey Gibson dispels the myth that “parents know best,” revealing the damage that emotionally neglectful parents can do to their children. Gibson explores key features of emotionally underdeveloped parents and how their behavior impacts their children. She also provides strategies to help adults who suffered childhood emotional neglect turn their relationship with their parent from toxic to tolerable, and develop healthier emotional connections with others.

Gibson is an adult psychotherapy and personal growth counseling specialist. She wrote Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents to help survivors of emotional neglect free themselves from dysfunctional relationships with their parents and find emotional fulfillment.

In this guide we’ll look at traits of emotionally underdeveloped parents, coping mechanisms children employ to survive emotional neglect, challenges that those children face in adulthood, and strategies they can use to heal and move forward. We’ll also provide additional viewpoints on living through and moving beyond childhood emotional neglect.

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(Shortform note: Experts expand on Gibson’s argument, asserting that while abuse victims often create fantasies to dissociate from and numb themselves to pain and anger, the process of regularly tuning out of real life and into fantasy puts them at risk. By constantly living in the alternate reality they can lose sight of the real world—and their coping mechanism becomes their full-time reality. This can lead to imaginary thinking, unrealistic expectations and further isolation, because they’re not able to intimately engage in relationships.)

Strategy 2: They Take on an Inauthentic Role to Placate Their Parent

Gibson says that another way children cope with emotional neglect is by taking on a role in their family that garners their parent’s attention and makes the parent feel secure. Sometimes the child figures the role out on their own (for example, the “perfect child” who does exactly what the parent wants). Other times the child assumes the role the parent designates (for example, the “deficient child” who the parent constantly corrects to demonstrate their intellectual superiority).

Playing an inauthentic role prevents children from developing a true sense of self and sets them up to enter relationships from a false starting point (which restricts their ability to engage authentically and get their emotional needs met). In addition, constantly operating from an inauthentic state is exhausting and contributes to children’s sense that they’re imposters.

The Many Roles Children Take on to Survive

Psychologists go into greater detail than Gibson about the familial roles children adopt, arguing that children who grow up in dysfunctional families play seven common roles:

• The Golden Child, who does everything right

• The Scapegoat, who everyone in the family blames for problems

• The Missing Child, who gets lost between The Golden Child and The Scapegoat

• The Clown, who makes themself a spectacle to alleviate moments of tension

• The Nurturer, who tends to everyone’s needs

• The Manager, who makes sure that everything that has to get done gets done

• The Martyr, who constantly talks about how much they’ve done for everyone else

These roles are natural to many family systems, but when children are confined to a single role, they’re at risk of either repeating this role or reactively adopting its polar opposite in their adult relationships—neither of which allows them to function authentically.

Strategy 3: They Personalize or Deflect Responsibility

A third way Gibson says children cope with their parent’s emotional deprivation is by “personalizing” or “deflecting” problems.

Personalizers believe it’s their job to resolve problems and sometimes take too much responsibility for others’ problems. In addition, they:

• Are attuned to other’s feelings, self-reflective, curious, interested in personal growth, and able to adapt their behavior
• Try to have all the answers and everything under control, appearing to others as if they have no needs or problems, even while falling apart inside
• Believe their emotions and problems are silly or burdensome to others
• Are able to heal and build healthy relationships when they ask for help

Deflectors blame others for their problems and expect other people to solve them. In addition, they:

• Aren’t self-reflective, curious, or adaptable
• React in impulsive, emotionally volatile ways to compel others to solve their problems
• Feel they have no control or power to change things
• Are incapable of asking for help or taking steps to heal and build healthier relationships

More on Personalizers and Deflectors

In The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck offers a starker take than Gibson on how taking responsibility for problems—or failing to do so—impacts you.

Peck argues that knowing how much responsibility to take is one of the most challenging problems that people confront. Figuring it out is a long-fought practice of discipline that leads most people to manifest one of two types of mental illness: neuroticism or character disorder.

Neurotic people, like personalizers, take too much responsibility for problems. As a result, they fear commitment and suffer from anxiety, codependent relationships, and a lower quality of life.

Character disordered people, like deflectors, refuse to take responsibility or blame. As a result, they lack discipline to work through problems and struggle to make progress in their lives.

Different from Gibson’s portrayal of deflectors, Peck argues that people who don’t take responsibility are afraid of the consequences of demonstrating their free will. Because they don’t actually want responsibility for their lives, they give their power away to people and factors outside their control, then wonder why they feel powerless.

Peck says that people who try to find a healthy balance with responsibility can feel more free—and that the process begins with parents teaching their children to take responsibility.

Part 3: Common Problems Adults Face From Childhood Emotional Neglect

In the previous section, we examined ways that children navigate daily life with an emotionally underdeveloped parent. Now we’ll explore three challenges common among adult children whose parents neglected them emotionally.

Gibson argues that adult survivors of emotional neglect face three key emotional and interpersonal relationship problems: They harbor a deep emotional loneliness, have emotionally disconnected relationships, and lack self worth. We’ll examine each challenge below.

Problem 1: They Feel Deeply Lonely and Don’t Understand Why

Gibson says that adult children of emotionally neglectful parents often feel profoundly emotionally isolated but don’t know why. Many dismiss the feeling because they can’t explain why they feel it when, on the surface, their life seems “normal” or “fine.” This is especially true for adult children whose parents provided basics like shelter, food, and clothes, as they may not view their parents’ emotionally neglectful behavior as unusual or problematic.

Prioritizing their parents’ needs while denying their own and taking on an inauthentic role (as we discussed in the last section) worsens emotional neglect survivors’ loneliness for two reasons. First, it temporarily soothes the emotionally immature parent’s needs but doesn’t actually lead to a more genuine emotional connection with them. Second, when parents require children to be something other than themselves, children can’t forge a genuine emotional connection with others.

The Trauma of Invisibility

Some experts find validity in and build on Gibson’s argument that children of emotionally neglectful parents often grow up feeling alone, attributing the problem to the “trauma of invisibility.” In this phenomenon, children experience emotional isolation because they feel:

• That their families don’t understand them, or as if they’re outsiders in their family.

• Abandoned, because their parent demanded that they cede their own feelings and needs to tend to those of that parent.

• Disconnected from and unloved for who they truly are, because their parent only showed love when the child acted in the exact way the parent wanted.

Problem 2: Emotional Neglect Survivors Repeat the Cycle of Unhealthy Relationships

Gibson asserts that children who grew up shutting down their feelings often end in emotionally disconnected relationships, because the dynamics feel familiar and there’s comfort in familiarity.

(Shortform note: An alternate explanation for why emotional neglect survivors repeat unhealthy relationship patterns is “repetition neurosis,” a phenomenon where adults try to reverse a familiar parental relationship dynamic to try to achieve a better outcome. For example, if your parent was frequently angry, you might choose a partner who’s often angry, and try to get them to be kinder and more gentle with you—only to discover that they can’t change.)

Adult children of immature parents may have a looming feeling that something in their relationship is “not quite right,” but accept that feeling as “normal” because they’re accustomed to feeling empty, lonely, or ill at ease from living with an emotionally disengaged parent. They may also dismiss the feeling because they grew up overriding their emotions in service to their parents’ needs. Because they can’t connect with or trust their own feelings, they may look to others to tell them how they feel.

(Shortform note: Gibson doesn’t explicitly say how emotional neglect survivors can learn to trust themselves, but experts say that building trust in yourself is a learning process. It begins with paying attention to moments in your relationships when you feel angry, ashamed, guilty, or hurt. These are signals that the other person in the relationship may have crossed your boundaries either verbally or through manipulation.)

Problem 3: Emotional Neglect Survivors Lack Self-Worth

Gibson argues that adult children of emotionally immature parents often feel they’re a burden to others because they grew up believing that their feelings were less important than their parents’ emotional needs. The problem can be pronounced in children of emotionally chaotic parents, who never knew if they were going to get “happy” or “angry” mom and, when they got the latter, assumed it was because they did something bad—or because they were bad.

Emotionally underdeveloped parents often fuel their children’s low self-worth by punishing and shaming them for their feelings. This can lead children to fear, have anxiety around, and squash their emotions—even positive ones. Many grow up thinking they can’t ask or rely on others for anything, and that they should be able to handle all their problems on their own.

(Shortform note: In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown defines self-worth as the belief that you’re good enough to be loved exactly as you are. She says the biggest obstacle to developing self-worth is shame, which is rooted in fear, self-loathing, and the belief that you’re not enough—all common features of children of emotionally immature parents.)

Part 4: How to Heal and Move Forward From Childhood Emotional Neglect

In the previous section you learned about common challenges of adult emotional neglect survivors. In this final section we’ll talk about how you can heal from childhood emotional neglect, redefine your relationship with your emotionally underdeveloped parent, and identify and develop deeper emotional connections with others.

Connect With Your Authentic Self and True Feelings

Gibson says the first step toward healing is connecting with your authentic self, which emotionally immature parents prevent by denying their children the ability to express a full range of emotions.

(Shortform note: In The Gifts of Imperfection. Brene Brown builds on Gibson’s premise, arguing that when you numb some of your emotions—for example, the negative ones—you numb all of your emotions—including the positive ones. Numbing positive emotions like joy, love, and excitement negatively impacts your resilience, because one way people cope with their struggles is by thinking of happier times and reminding themselves that they’ll have better moments again. So when your positive emotions are dulled, they’re less available as a resource for you to tap into.)

Your authentic self is your truest guide to genuine connections with others, because when you honor who you truly are, you exist in your state of greatest potential—focused on possibility, not problems.

(Shortform note: In The Power of Vulnerability, Brene Brown discusses in greater detail why connecting with your authentic self helps you engage in emotionally healthy relationships: When you share your authentic self with others, knowing you have no control over how they’ll react, you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability eliminates defensiveness and promotes empathy and creativity, allowing you to be your fullest self and develop a genuine connection with others.)

Gibson recommends that you begin reconnecting with your authentic self and true feelings by doing two exercises:

Exercise 1: Make a “Real Me” and “Not Real Me” List

• On the “Real Me” list, write down everything you loved to do as a child, and all the things that you love and wish you could do as an adult.
• On the “Not Real Me” list, write down everything you’ve done only to please and make others like you, including things that you dislike, bore you, and don’t make you feel good.

Now compare your lists and see how much time you’re spending doing things you authentically enjoy and feel connected to versus things that aren’t aligned with your true interests and needs.

(Shortform note: You can take Gibson’s suggestions for reconnecting with your authentic self and true feelings a step further by keeping a daily planner and writing down one goal each day that will bring you closer to your true self. For example, a goal could be planning an activity you enjoy, or doing research on places you might like to travel to.)

Exercise 2: Acknowledge Your True Feelings

1. Find a private space where nobody can hear you.
2. Think of a person in your life who you’re afraid of or don’t like.
3. Say, out loud, the things this person does that make you afraid of them or not like them.

The goal of this exercise is to become aware of and acknowledge the validity of your true feelings—not communicate them to the person you’ve named. Admitting how you truly feel is a first step toward healing and feeling greater peace.

(Shortform note: Building on Gibson’s recommendation to reconnect with your true feelings, try tracking a single emotion over the course of a day. For example, make a mental note each time you feel happy or angry, paying attention to whether you feel it a little, a medium amount, or a lot. This will attune you to different emotions and how often you experience each one.)

Redefine Your Relationship With Your Emotionally Immature Parent

We just discussed how to connect with your authentic self and feelings. Now we’ll explore ways to reframe your relationship with your emotionally immature parent so you can honor your authentic self and improve your interactions with them.

See Your Parent Objectively

Gibson argues that to move forward in a healthier way with your parent, you must first see them objectively. This can be challenging because you may desperately want your parent to change, but the unfortunate reality is that most emotionally immature parents lack the tools necessary to have healthy, emotionally connected relationships with their children.

Coming to grips with this realization, though painful, enables you to interact with your parent based on the reality of who they are rather than who you wish them to be—better preparing you to manage their limitations when you interact with them.

(Shortform note: Experts offer more detailed suggestions than Gibson on how to decide whether to create space between you and your parent. They recommend that you seek out emotional support such as therapy to help make the decision, consider whether you can reasonably maintain the relationship with your parent while preserving your mental health and well-being, and ask yourself if you’re acting from a place of self-care, not spite.)

Reframe your Relationship

Gibson says that once you understand that your emotionally immature parent likely won’t change, your goal must shift from trying to forge an emotional connection with them, to finding ways to interact with them that aren’t emotionally damaging. Three strategies can help you manage and create emotional distance from your parent each time you engage with them:

Strategy 1: Enter each interaction with a clear goal. Setting a goal from the outset helps you take control of the interaction and redefine boundaries with your parent. For example, your goal might be to tell your parent that you can only talk on the phone for five minutes because you’re busy, or that you’ll only spend one night with them over the holidays instead of two.

Strategy 2: Focus on speaking your piece clearly and unemotionally. Expressing what you want rather than focusing on your parent’s reaction to you helps honor your authentic needs and feelings. This makes you less likely to be disappointed in their behavior and a step closer to building healthy relationships with others.

Strategy 3: Observe and manage each interaction like an outsider looking in. Observing your interaction with your parent from an emotionally detached place will make you feel less like a powerless participant trapped in an unhealthy relationship. For example, think of yourself as a researcher studying a subject. Silently note, in your head, how your parent’s tone of voice changes, how long they talk to you, and how you’d describe what they say to another person.

Challenges You May Face

Gibson acknowledges that it can be difficult to assert yourself in these new ways. Breaking out of a familiar role, showing your independence, and redefining the terms of your relationship will likely be uncomfortable for everyone involved. Even as you speak your truth, you may hear your parent’s voice in your head saying that if you don’t do things their way, you’ll be sorry.

If, during your interaction, your parent says or does something that makes you feel small, scared, vulnerable, or badly about yourself, that’s a sign that they’ve triggered you emotionally. When this happens, you can recenter yourself by focusing on your observational strategies again. You can also try breathing deeply or repeating a phrase in your head that reminds you to emotionally disconnect like, “Let go.”

If you’re unable to emotionally disconnect, make an excuse to walk away from the conversation. Say you have to go to the bathroom, make a phone call, or leave for an appointment. Taking a break allows you to create emotional space so you can regroup and start again, fresh.

More on Setting Boundaries

Gibson’s strategies all center around setting new boundaries with your emotionally underdeveloped parent. To improve your chance of success, consider this additional advice—and cautions—from experts.

First, consider factors like the amount of time, energy, and resources you’re willing to expend in your relationship, as well as behavior that you’re willing to accept.

Also, make sure that new boundaries you set with your toxic parent are specific and stated clearly. For example, if you want your parent to stop showing up at your home unannounced, say: “It’s okay for you to visit. It’s not okay for you to show up at my house unannounced. I feel strongly about this and will appreciate your respecting my strong preference.”

When you set new boundaries your parent may get defensive, aggressive, or dismissive. These reactions are irrelevant to your goal of protecting your emotional health so stay the course. The more you practice setting boundaries, the easier it will become.

Finally, experts on toxic parents suggest that you carefully choose how and when to engage with them to get the best possible outcome. For example, don’t share information you feel vulnerable about that they can weaponize against you. And interact with them when they’re least likely to be agitated or triggered (for example, if they have a drinking problem but are generally sober in the morning, interact with them in the morning, not later in the day).

Potential Outcomes of Your Efforts

Gibson says that in some cases, creating new boundaries with your emotionally underdeveloped parent can relax them and decrease the toxicity of your interactions. This is because when you accept their limitations and they don’t feel that you’re asking them to change, they may be less emotionally triggered and reactive. In most cases, however, your parents will show displeasure or protest. If your parent is unhappy with your attempts to heal and move forward in a healthier way, remind yourself that your actions are legitimate and necessary.

Gibson says that at this point, you may decide that your parent does more damage than good in your life. If you conclude that you don’t want to regularly spend time with your parent, you can pull back from or discontinue contact with them completely. This can be a challenging decision, but taking an extended or permanent break from your parent can give you space to heal, connect more deeply with your authentic self, and move forward in a healthier way.

Stick to Your Boundaries

Experts give additional guidance on how to handle parents who protest against new boundaries you set: Expect your toxic parent to push back on or ignore your boundaries, but don’t accept any excuses they make for doing it. Your parent may complain that you’re hurting them or they’re too old to change, but if they’re capable of holding down jobs and interacting with others in a relatively appropriate way, they can respect your boundaries.

If, even after you set new boundaries, you conclude that your parent’s behavior is too damaging and that it would be healthier to take a permanent break from them, research supports Gibson’s suggestion that separation is the best option. A study of adult survivors of parental neglect found that estrangement from the problematic parent gave them space to gain insight into damage they suffered, move forward in new relationships from a place of greater authenticity, and develop a greater sense of well-being.

Identify and Develop Connections with Emotionally Healthy People

Now that you have the emotional tools to redefine your view of and relationship with your parents, we’ll discuss how to identify and build relationships with emotionally healthy people.

Gibson says that adult children of emotionally underdeveloped parents often end up in a cyclical pattern of relationship dysfunction because they gravitate to people whose behavior replicates the emotionally unhealthy family dynamics they grew up with. To break out of this cycle, you have to make conscious decisions about incorporating emotionally healthy people into your life.

(Shortform note: Experts agree with Gibson that it’s important to make conscious decisions about bringing healthy people into your life, but they also argue that it can be helpful to spend some time on your own before diving into new relationships. Taking time to be by yourself can help you learn more about your true feelings, needs, and interests, putting you at a healthier starting point to begin new relationships.)

Gibson says that emotionally healthy people share two common characteristics:

1. They’re invested in your well being. They care about, respect, and validate your feelings, individuality, and boundaries, and look out for your best interests.
2. Their behavior reflects a high level of emotional intelligence. They’re reliable, consistent, and truthful; they’re self-reflective and interested in growth and change; they acknowledge and address problems directly and can apologize when wrong.

The more of these qualities a person has, the more likely they’re capable of forming healthy emotional connections with others.

(Shortform note: In addition to the characteristics Gibson says are common in emotionally healthy people, psychologists say that emotionally healthy people generally like who they are, have a sense of meaning or purpose, and feel content with the life they’re living.)

Gibson says that bringing emotionally connected people into your world isn’t a one-way street: equally as important is engaging with them in emotionally healthy ways. To do this, always strive to be your authentic self, clearly communicate your true needs, interests and desires, ask for help when you need it, and stay connected with people who support and validate you.

(Shortform note: Research supports Gibson’s argument that it’s important to bring your emotionally healthiest, truest self to the table when incorporating new people in your life: Authenticity is connected to greater feelings of security, higher levels of satisfaction, and better outcomes in romantic partnerships. This is because when you’re valued for who you truly are, you’re able to relax and be yourself.)