PDF Summary:Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man, by Steve Harvey

Do you want to meet the man of your dreams—but keep meeting duds instead? Are you struggling with an unhappy relationship? In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, comedian-turned-relationship expert Steve Harvey argues that dating issues like these happen because women misunderstand men—and to avoid heartbreak, you must learn to "think like a man."

In our guide, you'll learn what men need, how they think, and how they behave when it comes to dating women and forming lasting relationships. You'll also learn Harvey's strategies for finding the right man and keeping him long-term—and his recommendations on how to handle common relationship issues like infidelity. Along the way, you'll learn alternative dating strategies from other dating experts—so that you can get the relationship of your dreams.

(continued)...

(Shortform note: Like Harvey, Nonviolent Communication author Marshall B. Rosenberg advises against demanding things from people, explaining that doing so will alienate them and damage your budding connection. Unlike Harvey, who warns against outright asking your man to meet your expectations, Rosenberg argues that you can make direct requests of someone—as long as you do so respectfully and give the person the space to say no if they want to.)

How to Behave in the Early Stages of a Relationship

So, you’ve found a man, and you’ve both decided to give dating a try—what next? In this section, we’ll discuss Harvey’s tips for how to behave in the early stages of a relationship to ensure its long-term success: Namely, withhold sex for the first three months, introduce him to your children, and meet his family.

Withhold Sex for the First Three Months

If you’re looking for a committed relationship, Harvey recommends that you withhold sex for the first 90 days. He suggests doing so for two main reasons.

First, Harvey notes, by waiting 90 days for sex, you’ll weed out any men who are looking solely for sex, because they’ll grow impatient and leave instead of waiting that long. In contrast, a man who will prove his worth to you for 90 days without sex is a man who respects you and as such is someone worth investing your time in.

Second, Harvey notes, 90 days gives you enough time to experience many different scenarios with your man so you can get a good grasp of who he is. Specifically, Harvey explains, you can discover the following things about him:

How he responds when you set boundaries: A man who cares about you respects the word “no” when it comes to sex; a man who doesn’t care disappears. (Shortform note: Other experts add that you should also pay attention to whether your man respects your boundaries in other contexts. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t respect you or your feelings.)

How he responds when you need him: A man who cares about you will help you or try to comfort you if you lean on him in small ways; a man who doesn’t care won’t bother. (Shortform note: One relationship writer elaborates on why it matters that your man responds when you need him: If he doesn’t, it indicates that he doesn’t consider you a priority. This is especially true if he repeatedly doesn’t respond when you need him.)

How to Wait for Sex Without Losing Him

In Why Men Love Bitches, Argov also recommends that you wait to have sex—but she doesn’t specify for how long, writing that you should wait as long as possible. Additionally, although Argov agrees that some men who leave before sex are those who would have left anyway, she contends that a man may also leave if he takes your lack of interest in sex as a lack of desire for him. To avoid this misunderstanding, Argov recommends that you keep the physical spark alive by being physically affectionate in public during the daytime—like by kissing him at a picnic in the park. In this way, you’ll signal to your man that you desire him without implying that you want to go further in that moment.

Introduce Him to Your Children Early

As Harvey notes, many women with kids withhold them from their men until the relationship becomes serious. However, Harvey contends that you should introduce your new man to your kids in the early stages of the relationship—and that doing so benefits both you and your man. (Shortform note: Single mom blogger Emma Johnson disagrees with the idea that you can only introduce men you’ve been dating a long time to your children. However, Johnson doesn’t argue that you should introduce your man to your kids early; rather she recommends waiting until you’re comfortable.)

Introducing your children to your man early benefits you because it lets you evaluate your man’s potential as a father figure. As Harvey notes, any man who you spend your life with must be good with children—and the best way to determine that is to see how he interacts with them. The right man will be confident, comfortable, and trying to befriend your kids just in case he does become a parental figure someday.

(Shortform note: Similarly, if your man (and not you) has kids, you must also determine whether you have a viable future together. While this may involve directly assessing his parenting style by meeting his kids, you can also ask questions to determine whether you see a future with him, like what his expectations are about your eventual role in his kids’ lives.)

Meet His Family

Just as it matters how your man interacts with your family, Harvey notes, it’s also important that you develop a good relationship with his family.

To make a good impression on his family, Harvey recommends three main strategies. First, be sincere. Show your man’s family the woman he likes instead of trying to be someone you’re not. Second, dress more modestly than you might on a date. Third, do your research before you go: Ask your man for details about the family members who will be there—and try to remember them when you show up! It will go a long way if you already know that Linda is Aunt Linda who taught him how to ride a bike when he was 10.

(Shortform note: Being sincere, dressing modestly, and knowing details about his family help you make a good impression because they indicate that you’re respectful—which you can also express via other methods, like offering to help with the chores. But as you’re being respectful, pay attention to how his family treats you, too: As psychologist Meg Jay points out in The Defining Decade, if you get married, your man’s family will impact your future happiness, so it’s important that you’re comfortable.)

Tips for Long-Term Commitments

Now that you know what to do in the early stages of a relationship, we’ll explore Harvey’s tips for longer relationships. In this section, you’ll learn how to evaluate whether he’s worth a long-term commitment and how to get him to propose if he is.

How to Evaluate His Long-Term Potential

Harvey argues that if you’re considering a long-term commitment with someone, you should ask him to clarify his intentions up front. While Harvey recognizes that most women don’t do this out of fear of pushing men away, he contends that you must take this risk so that you don’t waste your time in a relationship with no future.

(Shortform note: If you’re ashamed of your desire for a long-term relationship because you think you should be satisfied without a man, you may also struggle to ask a man what his intentions are. If so, keep in mind what Levine and Heller note in Attached: In actuality, having a partner who fulfills your emotional needs helps you thrive, because they make you feel safe enough to take bolder risks.)

To clarify a man’s intentions, Harvey recommends asking about the following four subjects.

His Future Plans

Harvey argues that it’s critical to understand men’s goals in the three areas that drive men—their job, title, and financial status—and whether they’re compatible with your life plans.

To analyze this, Harvey recommends first that you ask about his goals in the near future during your first few dates. If he knows how he’s going to achieve them, he’s working hard to become who he wants to be. If he doesn’t, he’s not getting serious about himself and as such is not ready to get serious about you. Harvey adds that you should also ask about his goals in the distant future. He argues that a man with long-term goals also knows whether he sees a commitment in his future; a man who lacks clarity about his future long-term hasn’t thought that far ahead and is thus not the kind of man you want.

(Shortform note: Talking about your short- and long-term goals isn’t a one-time conversation, especially when it comes to your finances—in which a man’s job and title usually play a major role. In I Will Teach You to Be Rich, finance expert Ramit Sethi argues that once you’re in a serious relationship, it’s essential to discuss both your short- and long-term financial goals so that you can make good decisions together.)

His Relationships

Harvey contends that it’s important to know whether you and your man have similar values, which you can assess by asking about his relationships during your first few dates. In particular, Harvey emphasizes asking about his parents. He contends that how a man was raised and how he thinks about the people who raised him say a lot about his character. He also recommends asking about his belief system. Harvey argues that everybody needs something to support their moral compass and guide their decisions in life—like religion. Find out what his is and whether it’s compatible with yours.

(Shortform note: Other relationship experts agree that you should ask questions to determine your man’s values, but they differ on what specific questions you should ask. For example, they contend that asking your man about his family is a way to learn how he relates to people in general—so if he’s not close with his parents, you should ask about his closest friends instead. Similarly, they recommend asking not just about his beliefs but his political views, which will likely reflect his core beliefs. Moreover, they don’t consider asking these questions a one-time endeavor. Instead, they say you should keep discussing your values throughout the relationship because they will change as you and your man grow.)

His Opinion of You

Once you’ve gotten to know each other over a few dates, Harvey recommends asking your man for his opinion of you to determine whether he considers you relationship material. As Harvey notes, most men will give platitudes like “You’re sweet”; when he does, ask him for details—what about your behavior makes him think you’re sweet? A man who can provide details likes you: He’s been making mental notes about what he likes about you, and he wouldn’t do this for someone he doesn’t care about. A man who can’t only wants sex: His lack of knowledge about you indicates that he hasn’t thought deeply about you as a person.

(Shortform note: Don’t want to directly ask a man for his opinion of you? Dating coach James Preece contends that you can tell whether a man sees you as relationship material based on his behavior: If a man remembers small details about your life and actively tries to get those things for you, like by buying you your favorite ice cream on a bad day, he probably sees you as a long-term partner.)

His Feelings for You

After you learn your man’s opinion of you, Harvey recommends asking about his feelings for you to determine whether he’s serious about a potential commitment to you. He’ll likely be uncomfortable since men generally dislike exposing emotion. However, Harvey contends, a man who cares about you will push through the discomfort and make a valid effort to respond, saying something like, “I always want to text you when something good happens.” In contrast, a man who refuses to make himself vulnerable isn’t attached to you—so you should take a step back from the relationship or leave it altogether.

(Shortform note: If your man is overly effusive about his feelings for you early in the relationship, he may be love bombing you. Commonly used by narcissists, love bombing is when someone is excessively attentive or affectionate too early in the relationship. By doing so, he makes you fall intensely for him—which gives him a sense of power over you and boosts his ego. If you’re unsure whether your man is love-bombing you or just willing to push through his discomfort and be open about his feelings, try setting some boundaries. If he undermines them or grows angry, he may be a narcissist.)

How to Turn Your Boyfriend Into Your Husband

You evaluated his long-term potential and have now been dating someone for a while—now, how can you get him to propose? Harvey contends that the key is to set an expectation of marriage. Harvey explains that even if a man is committed to you, he likes the illusion of freedom being unmarried gives him—so unless you ask for a proposal, you’ll never get one.

(Shortform note: Research supports Harvey’s theory that setting an expectation of marriage matters. Many unmarried men attribute their singlehood to the fact that they don’t experience any social pressure to get married. In other words, men remain single because nobody expects them to get married—so if you don’t make that expectation clear, he may never marry you.)

Ideally, Harvey notes, you’ll set this expectation early in your relationship: By telling him that you want to get married and a clear period of time by which it needs to happen, he’ll know that he’ll lose you if he doesn’t come through. But if you didn’t and have been with your man for a while, make this expectation clear now. Harvey acknowledges that doing so may scare a man off—but if it does, he’s not the right man. A man who wants to marry you meets your expectations; if he doesn’t meet them, he doesn't see you as his future wife.

(Shortform note: If you’re nervous about setting an expectation of marriage with your long-term boyfriend because you’re worried about starting over if he doesn’t meet it, you may have fallen victim to the sunk cost fallacy. In The Defining Decade, Jay explains that you might stay in a relationship not because you’re happy but because you’ve already invested so much in it. However, she explains that what you’ve invested is a sunk cost—something you can’t get back no matter what. In other words, you won’t get back the time you dated your man either way. So if your heart is set on marriage, it may be better to set the expectation now and break up with him rather than waste more years with a man who will never marry you.)

How to Deal With Common Dating Issues

Whether you’ve been dating for a short or long while, relationships are often fraught with problems. In this section, we’ll discuss Harvey’s strategies for dealing with two common relationship issues—infidelity and lack of sex.

How to Handle Infidelity

As Harvey notes, both men and women understand that cheating is wrong, so why does it happen so often—and what can you do if your man cheats on you?

Harvey contends that men cheat for several reasons—and by understanding these reasons, you may be able to avoid situations in which your man is likely to cheat. One reason men cheat, according to Harvey, is because they believe sex is just sex: Since a man views sex as a purely physical act, having sex with one woman doesn’t affect his feelings for the woman he loves—so he feels justified sleeping with other people. Harvey adds that men may also cheat because they’re dissatisfied with their sex lives: If your man interprets your lack of effort in the bedroom as a sign that you no longer admire or desire him, he’ll look for someone who does.

(Shortform note: In Sex at Dawn, Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá argue that men cheat due to the Coolidge effect—a biological phenomenon in which a new female inspires a man’s sexual desire simply because she’s new. In other words, it’s true that your man’s affair usually has no relationship to how deeply he feels about you. In fact, if your coital frequency has dropped not because of your lack of effort but because of your man’s, his affair may increase it: An older man having sex with a woman younger than his partner will also grow more interested in sex with his partner.)

While you can’t always prevent your man from cheating, Harvey argues, you can make it less likely by setting consequences up front: A man who knows he’ll experience pain for cheating is less likely to engage in infidelity. That said, Harvey argues, it’s critical that you follow through on the consequences you’ve set. For example, if you tell your man that you’ll leave him if he cheats, you must actually leave him. Otherwise, he’ll learn that there are no painful consequences for cheating, and he’ll likely do it again.

(Shortform note: When you’re setting the consequences of cheating, start by agreeing on a definition of cheating, as people tend to define it differently. For example, you may view flirty texts as cheating, while your partner may deem it harmless. By agreeing on a definition, you’ll avoid any disagreements about whether your partner’s actions count as cheating—and thus be able to follow through on the painful consequences you set and teach your partner the lesson he must learn.)

How to Reignite the Spark

You’ve now learned that your man may cheat if you neglect your sex life; but sometimes, he’s the one who seems less interested in sex. Before you panic, Harvey recommends some strategies to reignite the spark, like the following:

Investigate the root cause. Talk to your man to see if he’s experiencing any stress that might be affecting his libido. Sometimes, Harvey argues, just being able to express his frustrations and fears is enough to reopen the gates to sex. (Shortform note: While increased stress may decrease your man’s libido, remember that the opposite is also possible: Some people experience an increase in libido when they’re stressed.)

Check his health. If you suspect that your lack of bedroom action is health-related, find a sensitive way to broach the topic, keeping the focus on your worry and love for him. (Shortform note: In fact, a sexual issue may be a sign of deeper problems. One doctor notes that erectile dysfunction is often the first indicator of heart disease.)