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Before committing to an engagement, it is essential to thoroughly understand your partner's values, heritage, and aspirations. In 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged, H. Norman Wright emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication through thoughtful questioning. The author provides a series of 101 inquiries to aid couples in exploring areas of potential compatibility and discrepancy. These probing questions delve into emotional values, spiritual beliefs, everyday habits, and relationship histories—allowing couples to make a well-informed decision about taking their relationship further.

Whether experiencing a first engagement or remarriage, Wright offers guidance to circumvent common pitfalls by identifying areas of misalignment before proceeding. The book encourages couples to initiate difficult but crucial conversations, enabling partners to embrace each other fully and enter marriage with realistic expectations.

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Exploring the traditions, usual customs, and expected responsibilities within the household.
  • Consider the methods of discipline you experienced during your upbringing. Consider how your parenting style could reflect the disciplinary strategies you experienced during your own upbringing, and how it might differ.
  • Do you sever the bonds of dependency and allegiance to your parents upon entering into marriage? If you were to enter into marriage, which bond would be the most difficult for you to part with, and could you share your reasons?
  • How would you describe the financial situation and the atmosphere of feelings and emotions in your household during your formative years? How do you perceive this influencing your current life circumstances?
  • How do you plan to honor holidays, birthdays, and important occasions with both your relatives and your partner's kin?
  • What significance does your family place on the act of gift-giving?
  • How do you envision a "family"?
  • If you could influence your upbringing, what alterations would you implement in the dynamics within your household? How would you go about implementing these alterations?
  • How will marriage influence the relationships you maintain with your family members and close companions? Do they have similarities, or are they in contrast? Can you elucidate what distinguishes this?

Understanding the family and cultural background of your partner is crucial in navigating potential disagreements or disputes. Investigating the family histories, expected roles, and significant past occurrences together allows partners to deepen their comprehension of one another's lineage and to devise collaborative strategies for merging their familial traditions and practices.

Evaluating the degree of your compatibility in areas like child-rearing, dialogue, and managing disagreements.
  • What strategies would you employ to maintain a healthy balance of mutual reliance upon deciding to marry?
  • What strategies would you employ to maintain balance in the partnership through mutual support while also holding yourselves accountable for your own behaviors?
  • What similarities or differences exist in your styles of communication? What is your understanding of becoming proficient in the way your partner communicates?
  • How would you initiate a conversation with me about a characteristic I possess that greatly concerns you?
  • Have you considered the possibility of starting a family once married? Have multiple instances occurred?
  • Are you open to the possibility of adopting a child?
  • What kind of formal education or prior experiences have prepared you for the duties of parenting or stepping into the role of a stepparent?
  • Discuss the strategies you employ to manage stress and pinpoint the triggers that typically lead to your feelings of tension and irritation. What factors lead to your highest levels of stress and irritation?
  • How at ease are you with handling conflicts or disagreements? How do you typically go about finding a resolution to disagreements?
  • During a conflict, a person might opt to yield, withdraw, seek compromise, triumph over, or settle the dispute. How do you typically respond when presented with these choices?
  • What causes conflicts? Gain understanding by examining the passages within James 4:1-3.
  • How would you communicate your displeasure to me if I were to make a suboptimal choice, whether in a professional context or during our everyday interactions?
  • Do you hold the conviction that openness is crucial in all facets of our partnership, or do you think that certain aspects should be kept private?
  • Would your former partner describe you as someone who embodies integrity and dependability—should they be consulted for their viewpoint?

Wright recommends that individuals evaluate the compatibility of their daily life approaches, including communication styles, conflict resolution techniques, and views on parenting, with their significant other. He emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication about expectations, boundaries, and potential areas of disagreement.

Questions that delve into a deeper comprehension of your significant other.

The inquiries prompt individuals to engage in introspection and share openly, fostering a deeper mutual understanding between partners.

Exploring previous romantic involvements and significant life events.
  • How have your past relationships shaped you into a more suitable partner for a future companion at this moment?
  • Are you able to describe three impactful experiences from your early years, all the way through to your eighteenth birthday?
  • Consider the essence of your life before your current partner became a part of it. Consider your individual traits and the situation of your life before your current partner became a part of it.
  • What descriptions might individuals from your past relationships provide when recounting their experiences and interactions with you? What insights have you gained from the experiences they've lived through?
  • Are you able to articulate the fundamental elements of your past relationships and pinpoint three key reasons for their conclusion, enabling you to move forward?
  • Have you long harbored a secret that you've consistently chosen not to reveal to your parents?
  • Is there a loss in your life that you still need to fully grieve?
  • How would you characterize your relationship with your father using five descriptive words?
  • What five adjectives would you use to describe your relationship with your mother?
  • Could you discuss the most difficult time or the lowest point you've experienced and the strategy you employed to surmount it?
  • When you reflect on past romantic involvements, how would you rate your level of discomfort or remorse on a scale from zero to ten? * How might sensations of regret influence your capacity to establish a connection with another individual?
  • Who are the people you have had to forgive in your life?
  • How often and in what manner do you engage with a former partner, if at all? Why should one initiate a conversation? What are your emotions when these occurrences transpire?

Exploring the history of their significant other allows individuals to foster understanding, kindness, and strengthen their connection.

Identifying personal values, habits, and decision-making styles
  • What five traits do you possess that would contribute to a successful lifelong partnership, and which three elements of your character could cause hesitation in someone contemplating a shared future with you?
  • If I choose to pursue a future in marriage, I would... Finish this statement in ten different ways.
  • Have you ever held back questions about me that you've been eager to ask?
  • Are there any elements of my personality or current life circumstances that worry you?
  • How have spiritual teachings become apparent to you through life's difficult moments, including times of disappointment, hardship, expectation, monetary difficulties, experiences of failure, and while responding to constructive criticism?
  • How do you evaluate the strength of your bond with individuals of the same gender as you? Relationships come in many forms, ranging from the easy to maintain, to those devoid of deep ties, to unions that, while demanding work, result in fulfillment, and to those that are disheartening because of letdowns, to connections where the potential for a significant relationship is unclear.
  • Do you hold anything in your life to be so crucial that it must stay unchanged, or view it as an element you could never give up?
  • Which aspects of your existence have had the greatest impact on you, and what characteristic of your character do you believe brings the most joy to the Lord?
  • What traits do you believe are absolutely crucial for a lifelong companion?
  • Imagine the state of your emotional well-being ten years into the future. How closely do your spiritual beliefs align? How well do your financial perspectives and behaviors align?
  • What is the number of children you imagine raising in your perfect family setting?

How would you select the appropriate words to complete these statements?

  • In the context of marriage, one anticipates that a partner will...
  • In a marital union, one anticipates that a spouse will...

  • Which pivotal experiences do you feel are crucial for your future spouse to have undergone, and which circumstances do you prefer they had avoided?

  • What events do you hope your future partner has never encountered?
  • Do you know any couples who enjoy a thriving and strong marriage?
  • Which five fears exert the greatest influence on your existence?
  • Would you be willing to discuss your past and present experiences with substances such as alcohol and drugs?
  • Are you receptive to constructive feedback and guidance?
  • Have you thought about participating in counseling in anticipation of marriage if it's something you envision for your future? Are you open to the idea of seeking marital counseling to tackle any significant challenges that might arise following the marriage ceremony?
  • What questions do they have about sexuality? Are you aiming to deepen your comprehension regarding sexual topics? Do you sometimes choose to be less conscious of particular matters?
  • What emotions do you find simple to convey, and which ones pose challenges when you attempt to communicate them?
  • What pursuits do you hold in high regard and find pleasure in, and which of these would become more meaningful to you if we participated in them as a couple?
  • What kinds of cuisine do you prefer, and how do you value the importance of a nutritious diet?
  • What terms would you use to describe your political stance—liberal, moderate, conservative, or extremely conservative?
  • Where are you currently on your journey of spirituality?
  • Do you believe that maintaining your relationship necessitates changing or sacrificing elements of who you are?
  • Are you fond of animals? Have you at any point longed for a specific pet yet find yourself presently unable to care for one? How would you handle a situation where you are against the idea of pet ownership, yet your partner is in favor of it?
  • In what ways have certain movies and television series shaped your perspectives or feelings?
  • Which characteristics of your partner are you most proud of?
  • Can you detail the different positions you have held in your career and the length of time you spent in each role? What are your preferences or aversions concerning each topic?
  • What activities bring you joy when you have time to yourself, away from professional duties? Would your dedication to these activities stay the same, or would it change upon entering into matrimony?
  • How would you modify your regular use of computers or mobile phones to accommodate the collaborative lifestyle that comes with matrimony?
  • How might the experience of marriage enhance your existence in ways that staying single might not?
  • What is the source of your perception of marriage? Which had a greater impact on your development - the peer groups you interacted with, the knowledge you gained through education, or the literature you immersed yourself in? How do you plan to deepen your understanding of the union after the wedding?
  • What areas of your life do you insist on handling yourself, and which ones are you prepared to oversee?
  • Considering the prevalent instances of marital breakdowns in today's society, what elements could fortify your partnership to avoid its dissolution?
  • What is your vision for the evolution of our relationship?

Wright's objective with these questions is to help couples gain a deep understanding of each other's personality, convictions, and perspectives on life, which in turn fosters a more robust connection and a wiser approach to making choices.

Consider the distinctive elements of your past union.

Wright dedicates a section to addressing the unique considerations for individuals contemplating remarriage. He acknowledges that previous encounters, especially those involving divorce, invariably mold one's outlook and anticipations for subsequent partnerships.

Reflecting on the factors that led to the end of a previous marriage.

Understanding the underlying reasons and elements that contributed to the dissolution of the previous marriage is essential. This self-reflection requires honesty and vulnerability:

Wright offers incisive inquiries aimed at aiding individuals in comprehending the dynamics behind the dissolution of their prior union. The inquiries promote self-examination and candor.

  • How do you envision your partnership progressing in the future?
  • Could you share insights into the context of your former marital relationship? Reflect on your past marital experiences with the same level of scrutiny that you would apply to the possibilities of a future with your prospective partner.
  • Before you started dating, how much time had you spent getting to know your former spouse?
  • Before your romantic relationship began, had you invested sufficient time in understanding who your partner truly is?
  • What characteristics first attracted you to your former partner?
  • What attracted you to your current partner?
  • What was the duration of your relationship with your previous partner before the decision to wed was made?
  • How long had you been in a relationship with your partner when the idea of getting engaged started to become a significant thought?
  • What prompted your contemplation of matrimony with a former companion?
  • What motivates you to consider a lifelong commitment with your current partner?
  • What were your hopes and dreams in your past relationships?
  • What are your dreams for the kind of marriage you want to build?
  • Select ten adjectives that most accurately portray the person with whom you once had a romantic connection.
  • Select ten adjectives that accurately depict the fundamental characteristics of the person you're considering for a partnership.
  • What terms would you use to characterize your past and current partners?
  • How do you envision your marriage in the years to come?
  • Trace the evolution of satisfaction through your previous relationship, pinpointing key events or landmarks that emerged. Mark on the diagram the initiation points of disagreements, their underlying causes, and the manner in which they became apparent.
  • What have you done to improve the partnership? Please mark on the diagram the moment the choice for divorce was finalized, and identify the person who made that decision.
  • What was the duration of the divorce proceedings? Consider the ways in which your divorce has reshaped your life's path and contributed to your development as an individual. Which aspects of your previous partnership could affect your future relationship?
  • What measures will you implement to exclude certain elements from your future partnership, and which aspects do you intend to prevent from entering it?
  • Reflect on the level of happiness you expect to encounter in your forthcoming marital journey. specific steps you intend to take to turn this vision into reality?
  • How does your current relationship resemble the one you had before?
  • What sets your current relationship apart from those you've had in the past?
Recognizing the influence that lessons from past experiences have on future relationships.

Examining past mistakes and recognizing personal contributions to the relationship's breakdown is crucial. Wright encourages individuals to approach this process with a spirit of self-reflection rather than blame. By recognizing past behaviors and creating plans to prevent their recurrence, individuals can enter a new partnership with increased self-awareness, laying the groundwork for a more robust and satisfying connection.

Forming practical anticipations for a subsequent union

Recognizing that subsequent relationships often bring their own distinct challenges is essential. Wright emphasizes the importance of realistic expectations for remarriage, recognizing that blending families, recovering from past hurts, and managing relationships with former partners can present extra complexities.

Grasping the intricacies and hurdles associated with beginning a fresh marital journey.

Wright advises couples to engage in open discussions about their expectations, recognizing that the integration of families, dealing with previous emotional wounds, and navigating interactions with previous partners can introduce additional complexities. By foreseeing possible obstacles and collaboratively crafting approaches to overcome them, partners can establish a more robust base for their forthcoming union.

Committing to working through problems and not repeating past mistakes

The significance of dedication and the readiness to endure difficulties is underscored by Wright. He contends that initiating a new union requires a conscious effort to break away from past patterns and create a new, constructive dynamic within the relationship. Seeking professional guidance prior to marriage can help address specific issues, develop successful communication strategies, and build a shared vision for the future.

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • The concept of "101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged" involves a structured approach to exploring important aspects of a relationship before committing to marriage. These questions cover a wide range of topics such as values, communication styles, financial habits, and life goals to help couples deepen their understanding of each other. By asking these questions, individuals can assess compatibility, address potential conflicts, and make informed decisions about their future together. The goal is to foster open and honest conversations that can strengthen the foundation of a relationship before taking the step towards marriage.
  • Analogies comparing relationship decisions to buying a car emphasize the importance of thorough evaluation before committing. Just as one would inspect a car's features and history before purchase, understanding a partner's values and aspirations is crucial before marriage. The analogy highlights the need for careful consideration and scrutiny in both scenarios.
  • The questions about spirituality and faith in relationships aim to explore how partners align on core beliefs, values, and practices. They delve into topics like prayer habits, spiritual growth, and the significance of religious teachings in the context of a partnership. These inquiries help couples understand each other's spiritual foundations and how they can support each other's emotional and spiritual well-being. Wright emphasizes the importance of open discussions about faith to build a strong and enduring bond in a relationship.
  • The detailed questions about financial habits and responsibilities in the text aim to prompt individuals to openly discuss their attitudes towards money, spending habits, and financial goals. These questions delve into topics like saving and spending behaviors, reactions to financial stress, past financial experiences, and views on managing finances within a partnership. By exploring these aspects, couples can better understand each other's financial values and potentially avoid conflicts related to money in their relationship.
  • Understanding family traditions, customs, and household dynamics involves exploring how individuals were raised, their experiences within their family unit, and the values instilled in them. This exploration helps partners comprehend each other's...

Counterarguments

  • While discussions before engagement are important, some couples may find that too much focus on potential problems can create unnecessary anxiety or tension.
  • Some individuals believe that personality differences can be worked out after marriage as part of the growth and adaptation process within the relationship.
  • The analogy of buying a car may oversimplify the complexity and emotional depth of human relationships and the decision to marry.
  • Some cultures or individuals prioritize commitment and believe that marriage itself provides a framework for addressing and resolving differences.
  • There is a belief that love and commitment can overcome many challenges, suggesting that not all differences need to be resolved before marriage.
  • The process of ending an engagement, while difficult, may not always be more emotionally taxing than ending a long-term relationship, depending on the individuals and circumstances involved.
  • Some people may view the discovery of a partner's characteristics over time as a natural and enjoyable part of the relationship's growth, rather than something that needs to be fully understood beforehand.
  • While candid conversations are important, some couples may...

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