PDF Summary:101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think, by Brianna Wiest

When we don’t feel good, we often assume that our circumstances are at fault and that we must change them to improve the way we feel. But, what if we’re going about this the wrong way?

In 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think, bestselling author and poet Brianna Wiest explores the interplay between your thoughts, your perceptions, and the way you experience life. She argues that unwanted life circumstances aren’t to blame for your bad feelings—only your thoughts about these circumstances are. Therefore, there’s only one solution to make yourself feel better: Change the way you think.

This guide discusses Wiest’s ideas on how your thoughts influence the way you interpret life, why it’s so hard to control how you think, and what you can do to manage your thoughts and feelings about yourself and your experiences. Additionally, we’ll expand upon each of Wiest’s ideas with research, advice, and actionable ideas from psychologists and self-improvement practitioners.

(continued)...

You then strive to resolve this by attempting to fix what’s “wrong” with you—hoping that this fix will invite positive feedback. The following example demonstrates how this plays out:

• Your lover won’t commit to you. You assume that he doesn’t think you’re worth committing to, and not worthy of love. You try to figure out why he doesn’t think you’re worthy of love: Because you’re too needy? Or maybe it’s because you’re too fat? In the next relationship, you’ll try to make your partner believe that you’re worthy of love by acting more aloof and going on a strict diet. You think this will make him want to commit to you—and prove (to you) that you are worthy of love and that you do deserve to be happy.

How Seeking External Validation Affects Self-Judgment and Behavior

Research in the area of authenticity confirms Wiest’s claim that many people base their self-judgment and happiness on how they think others perceive them. And psychologists agree that acting inauthentically—projecting an image that conforms to what you think others want from you—makes you feel inadequate and unhappy.

Further, the research concludes that feelings of discomfort and inauthentic behavior go hand-in-hand. Consequently, you can figure out if you base your happiness on others’ opinions of you by considering how often you feel:

• Embarrassed by things you’ve done or said

• Awkward and self-conscious in daily interactions

• Resentful and misunderstood

• Afraid of what others think of you

• Rejected and unheard

These feelings both reflect and encourage inauthentic behavior and feelings of unhappiness. For example, sometimes shy people come across as loud and overbearing. This is because their discomfort around others leads them to overact to compensate for their shyness. As a result, they find themselves projecting a (false) gregarious persona to mask their shyness. This leads them to question whether people like them for who they are or for the act they put on. As a result, they feel more uncomfortable about interacting with others and this compels them to continue projecting an altered image of themselves.

Part #3: Chasing Validation Makes You Unhappy

We’ve just explained how the mental associations you unconsciously formed as a child compel you to engage in two unhealthy thought patterns:

1. Interpreting others’ responses to you as an indication of how happy you deserve to be
2. Continually looking for ways to fix yourself so that you can elicit positive feedback—and thus feel more deserving of happiness

According to Wiest, relying on positive feedback to feel happy creates a breeding ground for unwanted experiences and negative feelings. This is because seeking validation compels you to engage in two habits that disconnect you from your true needs and make you feel powerless to change your emotions: suppressing your feelings and pursuing the wrong goals.

Let’s explore how these two habits contribute to unwanted experiences and feelings of powerlessness in more detail.

Negative Habit #1: You Suppress Your Feelings

According to Wiest, your conditioning inadvertently taught you to believe that some feelings are unacceptable or bad. As a result, you feel ashamed each time these feelings come up, pretend that you don’t feel them, and try to avoid people and situations that might trigger them. You also judge other people who express these feelings as “bad” or “wrong.”

However, these suppressed feelings continue to live on inside you, get stronger the more you try to deny them, and morph into irrational thought patterns and emotional reactions that stifle your capacity to feel positive emotions.

Example: Suppressed Feelings Lead to Irrational Thoughts and Emotions

You used to get punished for having tantrums as a child. Your tantrums were your way of expressing disagreement with something that you were expected to do. Therefore, you unconsciously associated expressing disagreement with punishment and labeled disagreement as “bad” or “wrong” in your mind.

Though unconscious, this mental association now shapes the way you think about and react to various situations and contributes to many of your unwanted feelings. This is because it leads to a number of unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns, such as:

You pretend to agree with others: Because you want to get along with others and receive positive feedback, you avoid disagreeing with them—either by pretending to take their side or staying quiet. However, the more you avoid expressing your true opinions, the more insecure you feel in your relationships—you never know if people like you for who you are or because you’re validating their opinions.

You agree to things that you don’t want to do: Even though this approach garners positive feedback, doing things you don’t want to do often makes you feel angry and resentful. However, because you’re unable to acknowledge how your own thought patterns created these unwanted situations, you mistakenly assume that other people are making you do things that you don’t want to do. This leads you to conclude that other people are to blame for your negative feelings. As a result, you don’t feel accountable for your role in these unwanted situations and you believe that you’re powerless to change them.

You judge people who do express their disagreement: Because you believe that expressing disagreement is “bad” or “wrong,” you automatically dislike or feel uncomfortable around people who do express their disagreement. Instead of questioning why you feel this way, you assume that your opinion is valid and that they should change the way they act to make you feel better.

Suppressing Your Feelings Creates Emotional Discomfort

Suppressing your feelings can have consequences beyond making you agree to things you’d rather not do or judging those who do express such feelings. Tony Robbins, (Awaken the Giant Within) offers additional insights into how suppressing your emotions exacerbates emotional discomfort and feelings of unhappiness. He claims that suppressing your emotions disempowers you because it leads you to engage in two irrational behaviors:

1) You avoid situations that risk triggering your suppressed emotions: The problem with this is that you miss out on experiencing the positive emotions these situations might elicit.

For example, you’ve suppressed your need for affection, so you avoid relationships or pretend not to need affection in a relationship. As a result, you miss out on positive experiences that spring from meaningful relationships, such as love and intimacy. This makes you feel lonely and increases your unfulfilled desire for affection—and your shame for wanting it.

2) You disassociate from your emotions by pretending not to feel them: The problem with this is that these emotions become increasingly intense and eventually lead to irrational outbursts.

For example, even though you pretend not to need affection, you feel hurt every time your partner fails to give it to you. These negative feelings escalate until you’re ready to explode from frustration. However, instead of honestly expressing your hurt to release this frustration, you avoid addressing your suppressed need for affection and find a different reason to start a fight. As a result, you create conflict in your relationship and fail to resolve the real cause of your distress. This makes you feel misunderstood and increases your desire for affection—and your fear that you won’t get it.

According to Robbins, the reason you’re suppressing your emotions is that you find them unpleasant. But avoiding or dissociating from your emotions exacerbates the discomfort you feel. He suggests that you can process your suppressed feelings and relieve your discomfort by identifying your emotions, acknowledging and accepting them (instead of labeling them as bad or wrong), and considering what you can learn from them.

Negative Habit #2: You Pursue the Wrong Goals

Wiest argues that your reliance on positive feedback compels you to focus more on how you’re perceived by others and less on how you really feel. She explains that your preoccupation with appealing to others makes you unhappy due to the following reasons:

1. It motivates many of your decisions and goals—meaning that you spend most of your energy doing things to please or impress others. For example, you wanted to be a nurse but your parents wanted you to become a neurosurgeon because it sounded more impressive to them. So, you dedicated years of extra training to become a neurosurgeon instead of pursuing your desired path.
2. It prevents you from thinking about what your unique needs are and what you need to feel satisfied and happy—meaning that you spend a lot of energy doing things that don’t satisfy you or make you happy. For example, being a neurosurgeon leaves you joyless and unfulfilled, but you won’t quit because you fear losing the admiration you’ve worked so hard to attain.

(Shortform note: One way to judge if your goals align with your needs is to consider your motivations. Some experts believe that all behavior is driven by the need to fulfill one of two motivation types: intrinsic or extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation comes from within: You accept your needs and feel comfortable expressing them by engaging in activities that make you happy. For example, you choose a career you enjoy and aren’t worried about how others judge you. Extrinsic motivation comes from your environment: You ignore your needs in favor of seeking acceptance from others by engaging in activities that encourage external rewards. For example, you choose a career you don’t enjoy because it garners admiration and positive feedback.)

Achieving Wrong Goals Makes You Feel Unfulfilled

Why would you make decisions and choose goals that waste your energy and make you unhappy? According to Wiest, it’s because you believe that happiness comes from having a life that appears perfect to others—and you make decisions and set goals to achieve your vision of this ideal life.

However, Wiest argues, your vision of an ideal life is simply a response to the way that you’ve been conditioned to please others. Unfortunately, conforming to what others want rarely satisfies your true emotional needs. Instead, it leaves you unhappy and unfulfilled and puts you in a never-ending cycle of “improving” and changing yourself to please those around you.

Further, because this conditioning is so deeply ingrained in you, you fail to question why your achievements aren’t making you happy. Instead, you assume that you just haven’t done enough to deserve happiness and that you need to be, do, or acquire something more—for example, by making yourself more attractive, acquiring more possessions, or achieving a higher status.

The Desire for Positive External Feedback Motivates Status Goals

The Tao Te Ching, one of the ancient foundational texts of Taoism, clarifies how seeking positive feedback influences your goals and leads to a never-ending cycle of dissatisfaction. It explains that a desire to receive positive feedback influences you to choose status-based goals, such as wealth and power, so that you can appear successful and prove your worth to others. However, status-based goals—such as more money or higher status—have no upper limit and are therefore impossible to “achieve” and drive you to always seek more. This pursuit for more prevents you from feeling happy with what you already have.

Your desire to fulfill this never-ending goal and receive the feedback you crave consumes you and surpasses your desire to feel happy now. As a result, instead of tending to your emotional needs, you direct all your energy toward pursuing increasingly ambitious goals. Your assumption that achieving your goals will lead to positive feedback and happiness compels you to engage in behaviors that leave you feeling dissatisfied—such as ignoring your emotional and physical health, engaging in competitive or controlling behaviors, or acting inauthentically.

Consequence: You Feel Powerless to Change Your Emotions

Wiest argues that suppressing your feelings and pursuing the wrong goals makes you believe that you’re powerless to change the way you feel about your experiences. As we’ve already explored, you’ve been conditioned to put your thoughts and emotions at the mercy of things outside of your control. When other people don’t give you the feedback you depend on to feel happy, or your experiences fail to live up to your ideal vision of happiness, you feel disappointed and unhappy.

Because you’ve given these external factors so much power over your happiness, you mistakenly assume that they are responsible for your happiness. And, since you've ceded so much responsibility for your happiness to forces you believe to be outside your control, you feel you are powerless and without agency to take responsibility for how you think and feel.

(Shortform note: Psychologists explain that ceding responsibility for your happiness makes you feel powerless because it contributes to a victim mentality—the belief that bad things happen to you through no fault of your own. A victim mentality creates feelings of apathy because feeling like external factors are thwarting you diminishes your motivation to take accountability for your feelings. Instead, people with a victim mentality often magnify their problems and their perceived injustices in an attempt to gain attention (comfort, sympathy, reinforcement of their beliefs) from others. The attention they receive from others validates their powerlessness and keeps them from changing the way they think about and respond to their experiences.)

Part #4: Think for Yourself

We’ve just discussed how social conditioning influences you to think and behave in ways that leave you feeling unhappy and powerless to change your feelings. In this final part of the guide, we’ll explore ways to become more conscious of your thoughts so that you can take better control of them and improve the way you feel.

Wiest argues that, though your conditioning is pervasive, you can overcome it, learn to think for yourself, and feel better about yourself and your experiences. She suggests four methods to help you achieve this.

Method #1: Take Responsibility for Your Thoughts and Emotions

According to Wiest, before you can effectively take control of your thoughts and emotions, you first need to acknowledge that you’re the only one responsible for them. Recognizing this fact encourages you to:

• Understand how your thoughts influence the way you interpret and feel about your experiences.
• Realize when you’re giving control of your thoughts and feelings to things outside of you—for example, when you credit or blame other people or situations for your emotions.
• Explore ways to think differently about the people and things that make you feel bad—because you know that’s the only way to improve the way you feel about them.
• Make conscious decisions that align with your needs and encourage you to feel good about yourself. For example, refusing to attend social events that you have no interest in gives you more time to pursue things that you’re genuinely interested in.

Change Your Self-Image Before Attempting to Change Your Thoughts

Wiest seems to imply that you can change your thoughts and emotions simply by deciding to take responsibility for them. However, this isn’t as easy as it sounds: While you may attempt to change your thoughts when you’re aware of them, the majority of your thoughts take place beneath your awareness—in your subconscious mind.

In Psycho-Cybernetics, Maxwell Maltz explains that your subconscious mind learns from your habitual thoughts and feelings to create your self-image. It then influences you to think and behave in ways that reflect this self-image and actively discourages you from thinking or behaving in ways that are inconsistent with it. Maltz goes so far as to say that your subconscious mind sabotages your conscious attempts to change your habitual thoughts.

For example, if you habitually think that people are out to get you, you’ve trained your subconscious mind to include perpetual distrust as a part of your self-image. As a result, your subconscious mind influences you to automatically think and act in ways that keep you focused on all the ways people could harm you. It might influence you to think paranoid thoughts or encourage you to act defensively. Additionally, it may sabotage any attempt you make to trust others—for example, influencing you to interpret innocent remarks as insults.

Unlike Wiest, Maltz argues that you can’t rely on your thoughts to change your feelings unless you consciously change your self-image and retrain your subconscious mind. He suggests that you can achieve this by regularly visualizing yourself behaving in ways that align with what you want and who you want to be.

Method #2: Focus on Your Feelings to Define Your Needs

According to Wiest, thinking for yourself requires getting to know yourself. This involves paying constant attention to how you feel so that you can discover who you are and what you need to feel happy. Wiest explains that the more aware you are of your feelings, the easier you find it to challenge and replace the thoughts and behaviors that contribute to your unwanted feelings.

How can you develop an awareness of how your thoughts create your feelings? Wiest suggests that being mindful will help you to shift your focus from the external (other people, your circumstances) to the internal (your feelings). This, in turn, will help you separate how you feel about yourself from how you imagine other people think about you. As a result, you’ll be able to think more clearly about what’s important to you and what you need to feel happy.

(Shortform note: Mental health practitioners confirm that practicing mindfulness increases self-awareness, encourages positive thoughts about yourself, your circumstances, and others, and improves your mental well-being. In Mindfulness in Plain English, Bhante Gunaratana recommends establishing a schedule to turn your mindfulness practice into a habit. Begin by setting aside 10 to 20 minutes each morning or evening to practice quieting your mind, lengthening your time as you get more comfortable with the process.)

Method #3: Assess Your Current Opinions and Beliefs

According to Wiest, an important step in learning to think for yourself is assessing whether your current opinions and beliefs align with who you really are, or if they only exist to please or impress others. She suggests that you can dissect each of your opinions and beliefs by asking yourself the following four questions:

1. When was the first time you came across this idea? For example, you believe that people should not make mistakes. You remember overhearing your parents punishing one of your siblings for making errors on a spelling test.
2. How does this idea influence your judgment of yourself, other people, and your experiences? Your belief that people should not make mistakes compels you to be overly critical of yourself and others. It also makes you feel resentful of the experiences that don’t live up to your perfect standards.
3. How might adopting opposing ideas impact you? If instead, you choose to believe that it’s okay to make mistakes, you might find it easier to accept and forgive yourself and others for making mistakes. You might also be less inclined to notice mistakes in the first place.
4. How would you choose to think about this if your thoughts were already aligned with who you really are? Your aligned self sees mistakes as a valuable part of learning. Therefore, there’s no need to feel critical of yourself or others for making mistakes.

Use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Challenge Your Opinions and Beliefs

Like Wiest, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) practitioners argue that the more you question the validity of your thoughts and beliefs, the less likely you are to accept other people’s opinions as your own. However, the CBT method provides more specific questions to help you objectively examine your opinions and beliefs from multiple perspectives. Therefore, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of your beliefs if you answer the following questions in addition to Wiest’s four questions.

Facts

• What evidence is there to support your thoughts about this?

• What evidence disproves or contradicts your thoughts about this?

• Are your opinions getting in the way of the facts?

• Are there any facts that you’ve ignored or overlooked?

Other explanations

• Can you think about this differently?

• Is your mood impacting the way you’re thinking about this?

• Have you ever felt differently about this?

• Are you likely to change your opinion about this over time?

Your feelings

• How does believing in this idea make you feel good?

• How does believing in this idea make you feel bad?

• How will you feel if you continue to hold onto this belief?

Explore Your Judgments to Identify Your Suppressed Feelings

In addition to exploring your opinions and beliefs, Wiest suggests that you should specifically explore your judgments about other people to identify your suppressed feelings. According to her, every negative feeling you have about someone else is simply a projection of the aspects of yourself that you dislike or feel ashamed of. Therefore, she suggests that you consider all of the things that you dislike about other people to uncover what parts of yourself you’ve been conditioned to believe are “wrong” or “bad.”

This exercise will reveal how you’re currently modifying your behaviors to please or impress others. It will also help you to accept and express the parts of yourself that you’ve been too ashamed to expose to others.

• For example, you despise your colleague at work because she constantly interrupts you while you’re busy. Exploring deeper, you realize that you dislike her because you view her interruptions as a ploy for attention. Seeking attention is something you avoid doing because you’ve been conditioned to see this as “wrong.”

Use Affirmations to Process Your Suppressed Feelings

Like Wiest, many self-help practitioners claim that your negative judgments about others reflect what you dislike about yourself. However, Louise Hay (You Can Heal Your Life) takes this idea one step further. She claims that you subconsciously transmit your suppressed thoughts and feelings and influence other people to reflect these feelings back to you. Hay bases this on her interpretation of the law of attraction—the idea that the universe orchestrates your reality to mirror your subconscious thoughts and beliefs.

For example, even though you crave affection, you act aloof—because your conditioning taught you that acting needy is “bad.” However, while you might project a cool image of yourself, you’re subconsciously emitting emotional signals that reveal your true feelings—your desire for affection and your shame for feeling this desire. These emotional signals then attract experiences that trigger the emotions you’re trying to avoid—because people intuitively pick up on your feelings of neediness and feel compelled to reflect them back to you.

According to Hay, practicing self-acceptance and self-love affirmations helps you process and express your suppressed feelings. For example, to process your suppressed feelings regarding your need for affection, affirm, “I love and accept my need for affection” multiple times a day.

Once you’re able to accept and express your feelings, you’ll no longer judge them as negative. Further, Hay claims that accepting your feelings will change the emotional signals that you send out—meaning that other people will no longer feel influenced to display the behaviors you previously disliked.

Method #4: Explore Your Daydreams to Reveal What You’re Seeking From Others

According to Wiest, your wishful hopes and daydreams reveal exactly what type of feedback you’re subconsciously seeking from others to feel good about yourself. This is because they’re simply a projection of the things that you feel you most lack and are relying on others to fulfill. Recall: You feel like you’re missing something because you’re not fulfilling your own needs.

Therefore, Wiest suggests that you figure out exactly what feedback you’re craving from others by exploring how other people react to you in your daydreams. Once you’ve noted what types of reactions you’re craving from others, find a way to fulfill these needs for yourself.

• For example, you often fantasize about meeting a “perfect” person who falls instantly in love with you and tells you that you’re the most beautiful person in the world. This suggests that you’re waiting for other people to tell you how much they love you and how beautiful you are so that you can feel those things about yourself. However, if you find a way to love yourself—whether it’s through affirmations, visualizations, mindfulness, EFT, or something else—and appreciate your beauty, you’ll no longer feel the need to seek this feedback from others.

Your Daydreams Point to Life Areas That Dissatisfy You

According to psychologists, your daydreams don’t only point to what feedback you’re craving, but also to what you need to feel satisfied with your life. You rely on daydreams to provide a therapeutic mental escape from reality: You’re more likely to get lost in them and rely on the comfort they provide when you feel dissatisfied with the real world and can’t see a way to fulfill your needs. For example, when you feel lonely, you’ll daydream about being surrounded by friends. Or, when you feel bored, you’ll daydream about doing something stimulating.

Therefore, as you work through Wiest’s method, pay attention to when you rely on daydreams—this will reveal the dissatisfying life areas that you’re trying to escape from. Then focus on ways to increase your satisfaction in these areas. For example, if you often daydream because you feel bored at work, increase your satisfaction by taking on interesting or challenging work projects that provide more mental stimulation.