PDF Summary:1-2-3 Magic, by Thomas W. Phelan

In 1-2-3 Magic, clinical psychologist Thomas W. Phelan introduces a simple countdown approach to discipline that lets you spend less time managing your child’s behavior and more time enjoying your relationship. The book distills discipline into two tasks: stopping unwanted behavior and initiating productive behavior. Phelan explains that when you’re able to spend less time on discipline, you’ll have more time to focus on your more enjoyable parental duty: cultivating a warm and loving relationship with your child.

Phelan’s approach will resonate with parents looking for a discipline model that builds children’s self-efficacy, self-esteem, and independence. His tools help you redirect behavior, skip lectures, reduce conflicts, and establish positive routines. We’ll supplement Phelan’s advice with additional tips for parents on how to change their own behaviors, insights into how some of Phelan’s recommendations can apply to adults, and historical background on child discipline.

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Explaining why the child is being put in a time-out vs. not explaining: On this point, Phelan and the CDC differ. Phelan insists that you shouldn’t explain why your child needs a break, putting the onus on them to figure out better behavior. The CDC, however, counsels you to tell your child why they need a time out—but you should do this only once and avoid engaging in bickering or bargaining with your child.

The location of the time-out vs. the location of the break: The CDC doesn’t stipulate that your child must be isolated during time-out. They simply indicate that your child should be sitting in a chair, but the chair could conceivably be put in any of the places Phelan recommends.

Ending a time-out vs. ending a break: The CDC also doesn’t recommend that you ask for an apology from your child. However, if your child is in time-out for a very undesirable behavior, you can remind them of the behavior you do expect. Similarly, Phelan writes that if your child’s behavior was disturbing or dangerous, you should discuss it after the break.

Part 2: How to Help Kids Initiate Productive Tasks

Now that we’ve discussed a strategy for getting kids to stop unwanted behaviors, we’ll shift to another common parenting battle: getting kids to do the things you need them to do.

Parents often end up frustrated and exasperated because of how difficult it can be to get kids through tasks such as getting ready for school or bed, cleaning a bedroom, or doing other chores. For instance, getting everyone out the door and ready for a trip to the playground can feel like an Olympic endurance event and can suck the joy out of family outings.

Phelan notes that counting generally isn't an effective strategy for getting kids to initiate tasks because the things we are asking kids to do take longer and require more sustained attention and motivation than simply stopping unwanted behavior. Therefore, he suggests routines as an effective strategy for helping kids get things done. Setting up routines may take more time and effort on your part, just as completing the task takes more effort on your child’s part. However, Phelan’s routine-building tips foster self-sufficiency and responsibility in kids so that over time, your role in tasks diminishes or, depending on the age of the child, disappears.

Changing Your Perspective as a Parent

In his book, Phelan’s orientation is toward the child and changing their behavior—getting your child to engage in routines is a prime example of this. But to deal with the challenges of parenthood that Phelan outlines, parents can arguably take steps to improve their own behaviors and beliefs.

The authors of The Whole-Brain Child offer a different way to think that could reduce frustration when starting routines for your child or disciplining them: Think of the phenomena of your mind—feelings, thoughts, goals, dreams, physical sensations, and so on—as being on the rim of a wheel. The authors write that when you’re caught up in those phenomena—for instance, when you’re frustrated with your child—you’re stuck on the rim of the wheel and you lose perspective. You start to believe that this phenomenon is a permanent state that defines you. So, you might come to think that you’re an angry, impatient parent and behave accordingly.

The antidote to this feeling is to move into the hub or center of the wheel—in other words, to distance yourself from your mental phenomena. From that vantage point, you can see that those phenomena are just part of your experience as a human. You can then parent with greater equanimity.

You can even turn this process of “getting back to your hub” into a routine for your child. This may help them become more self-sufficient and responsible because they can calm themselves down. It may also make the process of starting other routines easier because your child can distance themselves from negative feelings when they feel irritated by their new responsibility.

The Power of Routines

The predictability and repetition of routines can accomplish two things, writes Phelan. First, routines build kids’ executive functioning skills (their ability to exercise self-control and self-direction) and their self-esteem (it feels good for kids to be able to do things for themselves). Second, routines allow you to do less disciplining and “nagging” and more positive reinforcing, leading to less conflict and better feelings all around.

(Shortform note: Phelan isn’t the only person who believes in the power of routines: Many others, including Greg McKeown, who wrote Essentialism, feel routines benefit adults by making tasks both easier and less energy-intensive. Additionally, when you internalize a routine and can execute it without much thought (a morning bathroom routine, for instance), you free up brain space to think about other, more important things. We might even imagine that establishing routines lets you spend less time nagging yourself into performing tasks—if you can move automatically through your bathroom routine, you won’t have to talk yourself into brushing your teeth after you’ve already climbed into bed.)

Be sure to temper your expectations of toddlers and preschoolers. This age group isn’t developmentally ready to follow through on lengthy and complex tasks without support. As kids get older (perhaps in the third or fourth grade) they become more capable of doing meaningful work around the house—for instance, getting themselves ready for school or bed or even helping make dinner or fold laundry. (Phelan notes that kids often enjoy being able to contribute to meaningful household activities.) A good rule of thumb for how long you can expect a child to stay on task is 10 minutes for a six-year-old, with an increase of roughly 10 minutes per year thereafter.

(Shortform note: Phelan’s description of the expectations we can have of children differs dramatically from expectations of earlier eras. In the 19th century, parents didn’t or couldn’t adhere to the 10-minute rule because they needed their children to work for pay. This was especially necessary for poor families who needed the income provided by their child’s labor, which might involve sewing, cleaning chimneys, conveying messages, or operating factory machinery. Poor parents would often put their children to work as early as possible, with some children starting to work in factories at little over eight years old.)

Routine-Building Tools

Now that we’ve established the benefits of consistent routines, we’ll highlight a few tools Phelan suggests to help get routines started.

Timers

You can use timers to encourage your child to finish a task within a timeframe (for instance, you might set a timer of 30 minutes for your child’s bedtime routine). The use of timers can take some of the strain out of parent-child interactions because they shift the focus from you making a request to the timer holding them accountable, writes Phelan. An additional benefit of timers is that kids know they can’t be manipulated. No amount of whining, bargaining, or complaining is going to speed the time up or slow it down, and so, hopefully, there will be less whining, bargaining, and complaining overall. And kids also often simply enjoy trying to finish a task before the timer goes off.

(Shortform note: You might even work with your child to determine how long you’ll set the timer for activities. Nir Eyal argues that establishing timeframes for activities (Eyal writes primarily in the context of establishing limits on tech use) helps children learn to self-regulate and become responsible for their actions and well-being. When discussing such limits with your child, ask them what they think is a reasonable timeframe within which to complete a task. If they propose a reasonable timeframe, agree to it. If not, suggest a more reasonable timeframe. Then, set the timer accordingly, and establish that if your child doesn’t complete the task within this timeframe, you’ll need to have a discussion about time management.)

The Parent-Payment System

If your child has money of their own, say from their allowance, you can use the parent-payment system (which Phelan calls the “docking system”) to motivate kids to perform routines. If kids don’t do an important job and you need to do it for them, they need to pay you for your work. For example, if it’s your child’s job to load the dishwasher after dinner and they refuse, you can offer to do it for them, but they’ll need to pay you 50 cents.

(Shortform note: Allowance is a confusing topic for many parents: Is it a good idea in the first place? If so, how much should you give, and should it be in exchange for performing chores? One parenting expert argues that you should give your child an allowance that’s not tied to chore completion because otherwise, kids think the only reason to help around the house is for personal, monetary benefit, rather than as a way to support the family. According to this philosophy, then, asking your child to pay you for doing their chores is also a bad idea as your child might think they can “buy their way out of” doing something they should do (and perhaps should even want to do) simply because they’re part of a family unit.)

Charts and Visual Aids

Laying children’s tasks out visually in a chart can motivate kids to follow through with their routines and stay organized without your input. For example, for a younger child, you could make a chart with pictures laying out their morning jobs. You might include a picture of clothes for getting dressed, a toothbrush for brushing teeth, and a bed for making their bed.

Charts can also be useful tools for positive outside reinforcement. For instance, you might develop a system where your child gets a check mark on their chart for each day they accomplish all of their tasks. Once they earn a certain number of check marks, they might get a prize like a small toy, a TV show, or picking an outing. Phelan also suggests adding a bonus system to your charting where children can earn extra points for accomplishing tasks without your input.

The Timeless Pleasure of Charts

Charts and visual aids help working adults as well as kids. In A World Without Email, Cal Newport recommends employees and teams use task boards to track their work on projects. These are digital or physical boards with columns indicating the stages of a project. You then use cards to represent tasks and move the cards through the stages as you go. Newport advises you to meet periodically with the team in front of the task board to give updates and assign new tasks.

The philosophy behind task boards is that employees and teams function better when tasks are visible and organized in this way. However, the process of “checking something off” also simply feels good, and the satisfaction of finally moving a task into the “finished” column could provide both pleasure and motivation to employees—the adult equivalent of receiving a toy.

Keeping Routines Positive

Phelan also offers advice for building positivity and avoiding conflict once routines are established.

Practice Positive Reinforcement: Phelan encourages you to aim for a ratio of three positive comments for every negative comment you make to your children. Kids often get more negative feedback than positive from their parents simply because parents ‘leave well enough alone’ when kids are behaving well but speak up when kids start to misbehave. While well-intentioned, the result is that kids often end up hearing more about what they do wrong than what they do right.

To deliver your positive comments, you might poke your head in the door when your child is playing nicely and commend her on her concentration, congratulate your son for sharing with his little sister, and so on. Phelan notes that unexpected, public praise is especially beneficial and meaningful for kids.

(Shortform note: Other child psychologists offer words of caution about praising children. When you praise the child for a talent or trait (their patience or intelligence, for instance) or for something they’ve done (a drawing or a performance), they might become anxious about not being able to live up to your expectations of them in the future. This might make them risk-averse, and they might prefer to avoid activities or challenges that could undermine the praise you’ve given them. This isn’t to say you should completely withhold praise but rather that you should praise children for things they have control over: their effort on a task, their enjoyment of a task, and so on.)

When you do need to give your child constructive criticism, Phelan suggests using the positive-negative-positive pattern. This means that you sandwich the criticism part of your feedback with two positive comments. For instance, if your child just finished their morning routine, but their bed-making is sloppy, you might say something like: “Wow! Great job starting your morning jobs all on your own! It looks like you rushed a little when you were making your bed, so maybe you should go back and take your time getting everything lined up. I really liked how you also brushed your tongue when you did your teeth!”

(Shortform note: Some have proposed an alternative “praise sandwich” that might work better in some instances. Skeptics of the traditional praise sandwich argue that the actual constructive criticism can get lost or forgotten between two pieces of praise. Additionally, when this is how criticism is always delivered, the recipient of the criticism might learn to ignore the praise, thinking it’s just a prelude to a critique. They recommend that you instead first offer positive feedback, followed by your constructive criticism, and conclude with a discussion of the steps to improve. Still, younger children might find the traditional praise sandwich more motivating, and this alternative praise sandwich might be best reserved for older children.)

Keep your directives simple and calm. Phelan notes that if your tone sounds like you’re ready for a fight with a child, you’re likely to get one, so it’s best to keep any requests non-confrontational. For example, if it’s almost bedtime, you might be frustrated to see your 10-year-old still playing in her room, rather than starting her bedtime routine. In this case, you could calmly say, “It’s just about bedtime, you’d better get started on your bedtime routine,” as opposed to, “Don’t you know what time it is! Why do I always have to remind you to get ready for bed!”

(Shortform note: A great way to maintain your equilibrium as a parent and speak to your child calmly is to practice mindfulness and meditation. In Mindfulness in Plain English, Bhante Gunaratana describes mindfulness as a way to acknowledge your thoughts without surrendering control to them. So, for instance, if you’re being mindful, you might acknowledge that you feel frustrated by your 10-year-old’s behavior but not let that frustration lead you to raise your voice and reprimand them. Meditation is a great way to enhance mindfulness, and Gunaratana recommends starting your meditation practice in 10-minute installments and increasing the time.)

Embrace Natural Consequences. In some instances, it’s best to simply let the natural consequences of your child’s not performing their routine serve as a tool to get them back on track. When you can rely on natural consequences to encourage your child to follow their routine, you don’t have to get involved, thereby avoiding tension in your relationship. Also, kids are more likely to learn from their mistakes after seeing that the consequence was a direct result of their behavior rather than a parent-manufactured punishment.

For example, say it’s your 15-year-old’s responsibility to be ready for her friend to pick her up for school in the morning. If she doesn’t perform her morning routine on time, and her friend is mad at her for making him late, let that natural unpleasant consequence serve as encouragement to stick to the routine. Or say your five-year-old throws a lengthy tantrum at dinner. A natural consequence might be that by the time he’s done, all the dessert has been eaten up by the rest of the family. This may encourage your child to stop dinnertime tantrums as they might lead to missed dessert.

(Shortform note: It’s important to distinguish natural consequences from logical consequences, or consequences imposed by you, which seem logical and fair to you (taking away a toy your child is destroying could be a logical consequence). While logical consequences may indeed be entirely fair, it’s still a punishment delivered by you as opposed to by, broadly speaking, the outside world (for example, a natural consequence would be to let your child destroy the toy and have to deal with no longer having that toy). When you set logical consequences, you risk conflict with your child, so it might be worth asking yourself if there’s a natural consequence you might lean on before imposing a logical consequence.)

Part 3: Cultivating a Positive Relationship With Your Kids

Now that we’ve discussed ways to spend less time getting your kids to stop doing things they aren’t supposed to do and start doing the things they are supposed to do, we’ll shift to the third and most enjoyable parenting task: cultivating a positive relationship with your kids.

Phelan explains that having a deep, loving relationship with your children has two main components: being a compassionate listener and enjoying one-on-one time with your child.

Compassionate Listening

Being a compassionate listener (Phelan calls it “sympathetic listening”) means listening to your child with the intention of trying to see things from their point of view. As Phelan explains, your only jobs are to understand the way they experienced a situation and then to relay your understanding back to them to make sure you got it right.

Compassionate listening often begins with a simple, open-ended question or comment from you. For instance, “You looked a little frustrated when you got in the car after school today.” If the conversation stagnates or you need more clarification, you can add non-confrontational comments or questions, like: “Did it upset you when Johnny ruined your artwork?” or “Why do you think Johnny would do something like that?” With each comment or question, your goal is to deepen your understanding, not to teach a lesson or draw your own conclusions.

Compassion in Children and Further Advice on Posing Questions

The authors of Difficult Conversations argue that listening well to someone makes it likelier that they’ll listen compassionately to you in return. So by making this effort to understand and verbalize what your child’s going through, you might increase the chances of your child giving you the same understanding in the future.

The authors also provide advice to guide your questioning: Avoid masking a statement as a question. If you do this, your child might perceive you as being snide and won’t want to engage. For instance, asking, “Are you upset?” if your child is openly crying might come across as condescending or willfully blind. Instead, it would be better to simply state: “You seem really upset. Want to talk about it?”

Compassionate listening is often easier said than done because it requires a great deal of parental self-control. As Phelan explains, there’s no place for parental judgment or opinion in compassionate listening. Therefore, even if you’re disappointed or angry about how your child handled something, you need to stay focused on understanding their perspective rather than launching into a lecture about how they should have known better or providing your ideas for how to solve the problem or make amends.

(Shortform note: Another reason to build your empathy and avoid forming judgmental opinions is that kids learn empathy and compassion from their parents. When parents are empathetic to their children by listening to them in the ways Phelan advises, children feel understood and trusted and can then display such empathetic behavior toward others. Therefore, when you take the time and effort to listen compassionately, you’re also teaching compassion to your child.)

There are many benefits of compassionate listening. One is that it can help kids process and thus let go of negative emotions. When you communicate to your child that you understand why they were feeling upset, it honors their feelings about a situation, even if you’re not a fan of their actions. Another benefit is that compassionate listening can help you avoid being an overbearing parent. When you refrain from lecturing, judging, and problem-solving for your child, you’re helping them build their self-esteem by showing them you trust them to independently handle setbacks and make good decisions.

(Shortform note: The benefits Phelan describes lead to another benefit of compassionate listening: building a stronger bond with your child. When you express that you’re interested in understanding your child’s experience, they trust you more. Additionally, you become clued in to what’s happening in your child’s life, which allows you to support them better. If you start a habit of engaging in compassionate listening early, it may make it easier to keep up as your kids enter their teenage years, when communication and connection arguably become more difficult as teens pull away from their parents.)

Enjoying One-on-One Time

Phelan writes that having quality one-on-one time is integral to a positive relationship with your child and benefits your child’s brain development. Therefore, it’s important to carve out time to simply enjoy each other's company, showing your kids you not only love them—but you also like them.

Phelan notes that it’s OK to replace some time spent as a whole family with this quality one-on-one time. While family time is also important and often enjoyable, one-on-one time allows kids to have your undivided attention, eliminating sibling rivalry and other distractions that often detract from larger-group activities.

(Shortform note: If you’re not sure how to best spend this one-on-one time with your child, other experts offer suggestions: Put one-on-one time in your calendar and schedule it for the time of day that best suits your child. You don’t have to do anything out of the ordinary with your child; simply being with them is enough—you can even just join them in a favorite activity. And if you only have 15 minutes each day for each of your kids, that’s OK—just make sure you put away your phone and focus on your child. If you have multiple kids, feel free to schedule each one’s one-on-one time on a different day—but, as Phelan notes, you should aim to give each child individual attention to develop a healthy relationship with them.)