Book SummaryYou're Not Listening, by Kate Murphy

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of You're Not Listening

In You’re Not Listening, journalist Kate Murphy makes a case for the value of listening more effectively. She argues that people are struggling to pay attention to each other, largely thanks to our self-centered culture, technological distractions, and a toxic political atmosphere. This carries a host of detrimental effects—including loneliness, damaged mental health, and increased hostility and misunderstanding between people of different beliefs.

**Fortunately, these problems can be reversed if we learn to listen...

You're Not Listening Summary Part 1: The Value of Effective Listening

Most people understand listening as simply hearing someone talk. However, Murphy advocates a more developed model of listening that we’ll call effective listening. Effective listening goes far beyond merely processing someone’s words. It requires prioritizing the speaker and helping them feel heard. It requires reading their body language, encouraging them to continue sharing, and putting your assumptions aside. Effective listening includes trying to understand how the speaker is feeling and why they’re trying to share something with you.

As we’ll explore throughout the guide, many find effective listening challenging—but, according to Murphy, it’s well worth the effort. She notes three main benefits of effective listening: creating connections, fostering growth, and enabling cooperation.

(Shortform note: It's likely that you think you already participate in effective listening, but researchers have found that [many people overestimate their listening...

You're Not Listening Summary Part 2: Barriers to Listening

If listening is so important and beneficial, then why aren’t people doing it? Murphy identifies four main barriers to effective listening: distracting technology, discomfort, a culture of self-centeredness, and assumptions about other people.

Barrier #1: Distracting Technology

Murphy argues that people don’t listen well because they’re distracted. She explains that people are prone to distractions because the human brain thinks much faster than people speak. Therefore, you can easily get bored with someone speaking and focus on something else.

While listening without distraction may be difficult under normal circumstances, Murphy suggests that two recent developments in technology have made this problem even worse: increased background noise and technology designed to distract.

1) Increased background noise breaks the listener's concentration. Murphy contends that we live amid higher levels of background noise than ever before. In public and private spaces, people are used to constant music or television playing in the background. This pulls people's attention away from their conversations.

2) Technology is designed to distract. Murphy states that...

You're Not Listening Summary Part 3: How to Listen Effectively

Murphy says that, fortunately, you can overcome the barriers standing in the way of understanding others and become a more effective listener. We’ve grouped Murphy’s suggestions into three main categories: Stay curious, respond well, and pay close attention to the person speaking.

Suggestion #1: Stay Curious About the Person You’re Listening To

To start listening more effectively, Murphy argues you should prioritize being curious about the other person. Focus on the things you don't know about the speaker and the possibilities for learning. She provides two strategies for fostering curiosity: Make room for the unexpected and notice your own thoughts and feelings.

1) Make Room for the Unexpected

Murphy argues that when a listener assumes they already know where a conversation is going, this undermines their curiosity. By staying open to the possibility of an unpredictable or surprising conversation, a listener can stay curious about the person speaking.

The Two Types of Curiosity

Not all types of curiosity are going to help you be an effective listener. Psychologists have [distinguished two types of curiosity, only one of which is...

Shortform Exercise: Develop Your Effective Listening Skills

This exercise provides a chance to develop your effective listening skills using Murphy's strategies and advice.

Think of a time when you wish you’d listened more effectively. Which obstacle do you think was getting in the way and why? Recall that the main obstacles are: distractions, discomfort, a self-focused culture, and making assumptions.