Book SummaryWhy Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Why Does He Do That?

Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? explains the motivation and logic behind domestic abuse so that victims can better defend themselves against it. Bancroft draws on his decades of experience as a counselor, custody evaluator, and child abuse investigator to explain how abusers think. He argues that abusers treat their partners badly because they benefit from doing so. The most common explanations offered for why abuse happens—that abusers don’t understand what they’re doing, can’t control their emotions, or act out of unresolved trauma or substance abuse problems—deflect responsibility from the abuser in a way that’s ultimately unhelpful in getting him to change.

The problem is not that an abuser doesn’t realize he’s doing harm but that he doesn’t value his victim’s happiness or safety, and he feels comfortable using violence, intimidation, and emotional manipulation to get his way. Therefore, attempts to fight...

Why Does He Do That? Summary Bancroft’s Intended Audience

Throughout the book, Bancroft uses “he” pronouns for abusers and “she” pronouns for victims. He argues that these pronouns best represent the vast majority of abusive dynamics, and that misogyny plays an important role in allowing many abusive men to get away with their behavior. At the same time, he acknowledges that abuse can occur in same-sex relationships and that women can abuse men, and he insists that his advice still applies in those situations. For clarity, this guide will follow Bancroft’s pronouns.

(Shortform note: Bancroft provides statistics demonstrating that women are disproportionately the victims of abuse and men disproportionately the perpetrators, but since the book was published in 2002, these statistics are out of date. However, more...

Why Does He Do That? Summary Defining Abuse

Bancroft defines abuse as controlling, angry, and violent behavior committed by a man against his partner. He defines abusers as men who have an ongoing pattern of mistreating their partner either verbally, physically, sexually, or with a combination of the three. Verbal abuse involves insults, threats, and raising your voice; physical abuse involves physical violence and destroying objects; and sexual abuse involves any unwanted sexual contact or language.

While nobody knows exactly what causes people to be abusive, Bancroft stresses that abuse is deliberate; that is, it’s a behavior that the abuser does on purpose because it benefits him. By mistreating his partner, the abuser gains more power over her, making it easier for him to vent his negative emotions and force her to perform whatever physical, emotional, or sexual services he demands.

Dehumanization vs. Abuse

By emphasizing abusers’ choices and awareness of the harm that they do, Bancroft is arguing against the perception of abuse as something purely irrational and impossible to control. On the contrary, abuse makes perfect sense from the abuser’s perspective because he values his own...

Why Does He Do That? Summary How Abusers Think

Having defined what abuse looks like from the outside, Bancroft moves on to his main goal of examining the logic behind abusive thinking. Because abusive behavior is a choice, Bancroft calls it a problem of morality; abusers feel comfortable engaging in hurtful and immoral behavior for their own benefit.

The three main characteristics of abusers are their intentionality, their selfishness, and their feelings of self-justification. We’ll discuss each of these characteristics in detail.

Abusers Behave Intentionally

Abusive behavior can seem senseless or random to the victim, who is unable to predict the abuser’s moods or what might set him off from day to day. According to Bancroft, this is a tactic abusers employ deliberately. The more time a victim has to spend thinking about what the abuser might do, the more control he has over her life.

(Shortform note: The unpredictability of an abuser’s behavior may lead a victim to become hypervigilant, constantly on the lookout for subtle changes in the abuser’s mood so that she can try to appease him and avoid a violent outburst. Not only does this rarely work, but it...

Why Does He Do That? Summary How to Fight Abuse

Bancroft’s explanations for abusive thinking help account for why abuse is hard to prevent: Most abusers don’t want to stop being abusive. Stopping means losing all the benefits that he gains from being abusive, and for him to truly change, he must take responsibility for the harm he’s done and resolve to treat others with more empathy and understanding. This means coping with feelings of guilt and potentially accepting the loss of a relationship, marriage, or contact with his children.

Because changing is such a difficult and initially unrewarding process, with many abusers being unable to grasp how treating their partners better might be healthier for their own emotional fulfillment in the long run, abuser programs often fail outright. Bancroft admits that many of his clients made no attempt to change, backslid as the work became increasingly difficult or they failed to convince their victims to take them back, or feigned changed behavior just long enough to finish the program, at which point they resumed being abusive.

Ultimately, abuser programs are similar to addiction programs in that they can only help a person who wants to be helped. No one can force an abuser...

Shortform Exercise: Consider Effective and Equal Communication

Bancroft emphasizes throughout the book that an abuser’s unwillingness to engage with his partner on equal footing—by listening to her thoughts and opinions with respect and consideration—shuts down communication and reinforces an unequal power dynamic, which can never be fixed until he changes his behavior.

Consider a time when you seriously differed with a partner or loved one. What was the basis of the disagreement, and why did it escalate?