Book SummaryThe Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, by Nathaniel Branden

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

In modern times, most of us believe that improving our self-esteem is essential to our psychological health. But what is self-esteem? Why does it matter? How do you develop it, and how do others affect it?

Psychotherapist and self-esteem expert Nathaniel Branden answers these questions in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. In Part 1 of this guide, you’ll learn Branden’s definition of self-esteem and why it matters. In Part 2, you’ll discover how you can improve your own self-esteem by practicing six pillars, or categories of behaviors. In Part 3, we’ll explore how external factors influence your self-esteem, and in Part 4, you’ll learn how you can nurture self-esteem in others. Along the way, we’ll compare how Branden’s ideas relate to other psychologists’ work on self-esteem and provide practical strategies for implementing Branden’s ideas in your everyday life.

Part 1: What Self-Esteem Is & Why It Matters

In order to improve your self-esteem, you must first understand what self-esteem is and why it matters. In this section, we’ll discuss the two essential elements of self-esteem and how your choices affect your self-esteem. Then, you’ll learn the four major reasons self-esteem matters, according to Branden.

What Self-Esteem Is

Branden argues that self-esteem comprises capability and worthiness. Capability, which Branden calls “self-efficacy,” is when you trust your own mind and judgment—so you feel like you’re generally capable of learning the skills you need to earn a living, have healthy relationships, and recover when you face difficulties. Worthiness, which Branden calls “self-respect,” is the belief that you deserve happiness because you’re inherently valuable: It drives you to treat yourself well and expect similar respect from others. Both beliefs are essential to self-esteem.

(Shortform note: Branden’s definition of self-esteem is unique: Most psychologists define self-esteem as your sense of global self-worth, or how much value you believe you have—which encompasses self-respect but not self-efficacy. Moreover, some psychologists argue that self-efficacy refers to your confidence to succeed in a specific task, and your confidence in your general capability is simply “confidence.”)

Branden contends that your self-esteem both drives and depends on your behavior in a never-ending cycle: Your actions align with your expectations of yourself, and your behaviors inevitably affect your self-esteem—you can’t avoid feeling some way about how you choose to behave, and these feelings affect your opinion of yourself.

(Shortform note: In Awaken the Giant Within, life coach Tony Robbins contends that your identity works similarly: Your identity is a set of beliefs about yourself, and since you strive to be consistent with your beliefs, you act in ways that reinforce your existing identity. However, Robbins attributes this striving for consistency to external societal pressure: Society says changing your beliefs is wishy-washy, so you avoid it.)

Why Self-Esteem Matters

1. Self-esteem affects you no matter what. As Branden notes, you can ignore your opinion of yourself, but you cannot refrain from having one. (Shortform note: It’s possible that the lower your self-esteem, the harder it is to ignore your opinion of yourself. In The Happiness Hypothesis, psychologist Jonathan Haidt explains that humans have a negativity bias that wires us to fear bad things more than we like good things—which may lead us to pay greater attention to negative thoughts.)

2. Self-esteem promotes your well-being. You’re capable of knowing what to do and choosing not to do it—but with high self-esteem, you select choices that support your well-being instead. (Shortform note: In reality, most of us don’t make the best choices available, regardless of our self-esteem levels. As psychologist Daniel Kahneman explains in Thinking, Fast and Slow, humans are subject to several cognitive biases that lead us to illogical choices.)

3. Self-esteem protects us from the worst life has to offer. Branden contends that someone with high self-esteem quickly recovers from life’s inevitable challenges; someone with low self-esteem lacks this ability, which inhibits their success. Of course, self-esteem doesn’t guarantee a fulfilled life, but without it, you won’t live the most fulfilling life possible. (Shortform note: In fact, one study of homeless youth found that having higher self-esteem buffered against some of the damaging effects of living on the streets.)

4. Self-esteem is necessary to survive the modern world, which requires you to make more choices than ever before. Branden contends that the more choices you need to make, the more you need self-esteem—you must trust your own judgment, decide what matters, and act accordingly. (Shortform note: Researchers add that the decisions you make throughout the day may drain your mental energy, making it more likely you’ll give into unhealthy impulses—and make worse choices—as the day goes on.)

Part 2: How to Improve Your...

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary Shortform Introduction

In the modern world, most of us assume that we must have good self-esteem in order to be psychologically healthy. But what, exactly, is self-esteem, and how do you improve it?

In The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden challenges the prevailing assumption that self-esteem is unconditional love for yourself. Instead, he argues that your self-esteem depends on your behavior—and that only by behaving according to certain tenets, or pillars, can you improve your self-esteem. He also examines the role external influences play on your self-esteem, and how you can influence others’ self-esteem with the right behaviors.

About the Author

Nathaniel Branden was a psychotherapist who dedicated his life to examining how self-esteem affects our daily lives, writing almost 20 books on the topic. As a result, Branden is known to many as “the father of self-esteem.” However, Branden was perhaps best-known for his relationship with philosopher Ayn Rand. Although the pair had a famous falling out in the late 1960s, Branden initially gained fame as her collaborator and was also her lover for some time. Branden’s initial work on self-esteem was heavily influenced...

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary Part 1 | Introduction-Chapter 4: The Importance of Self-Esteem

In the modern world, most of us believe that self-esteem is essential to our psychological health. But what, exactly, is self-esteem? Why does it matter? How do you develop it, and how do others affect it?

In The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden answers these questions. He argues that self-esteem is a reflection of how you view yourself and that low self-esteem contributes to most psychological issues, while high self-esteem leads to greater achievement and happiness. Branden also contends that your self-esteem depends both on what you and others—like your parents—do.

Because of Branden’s pioneering work in the field of self-esteem and multiple best-selling books on the topic, he’s often called the “father of the self-esteem movement.” His first book, The Psychology of Self-Esteem, is credited with introducing self-esteem to the masses in 1969. He wrote Six Pillars in 1994 in response to how interpretations of self-esteem had changed since he first popularized...

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary Part 2 | Chapters 5-12, 17-18: How to Improve Your Self-Esteem

Now you know what self-esteem is—but how do you improve yours? In Part 2, Branden posits that you do so by practicing six pillars, or categories of behavior: Live with Awareness, Accept Yourself, Take Responsibility, Assert Yourself, Live Intentionally, and Act with Integrity.

Branden explains that by practicing these pillars, you behave in ways that foster and improve your self-esteem. As we’ve seen, self-esteem consists of confidence that you’re capable and worthy. In other words, it occurs when you’re capable and worthy—so you must act as if you are, which you do by practicing these pillars.

(Shortform note: The premise that self-esteem occurs when you’re capable and worthy assumes that people can accurately assess these traits in themselves, but research suggests that people tend to overestimate their capability in skills that might reveal their character—like how good of a friend they are. Healthy self-esteem requires recognizing not only your positive traits but [also your...

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary Pillar #1: Live With Awareness

Branden’s first pillar of self-esteem is to live consciously, or live with awareness. In this section, you’ll first learn what living with awareness is and why it’s important. Then, you’ll learn how to use sentence-completion exercises to make living with awareness easier.

What Is Living With Awareness?

Branden explains that when you live with awareness, you look for information about the external and internal realities that affect your life, accept them, and act accordingly. For example, you take control of your finances by checking your bank account and adjusting your budget as needed. If you don’t look for information about these realities, you’re not living with awareness—you’re choosing ignorance instead. If you learn relevant information and don’t react appropriately, you’re also not living with awareness—you’re still denying reality on some level.

(Shortform note: Consider developing a consistent system to help you pay attention to and act on the realities of your life, as life coach Brendon Burchard recommends in High Performance Habits: Every week, [chart your work-life...

Shortform Exercise: How Aware Are You?

Now that you’ve learned how living with awareness improves self-esteem, think about how you practice awareness currently and ways you might do so better in the future.

Describe a recent challenge you encountered. What problem did you face?

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary Pillar #2: Accept Yourself

Branden’s second pillar of self-esteem is to practice self-acceptance, or to accept yourself. In this section, you’ll learn what accepting yourself entails and why it’s important. Then, you’ll learn how to make accepting yourself easier.

What Is Accepting Yourself?

Branden defines accepting yourself as choosing not to live in conflict with yourself. While an essential ingredient of self-esteem, it’s not the same as self-esteem: Self-esteem is a state you experience; accepting yourself is an action you take.

(Shortform note: Like Branden, Brach argues in Radical Acceptance that accepting yourself is critical to overcoming feelings of unworthiness. You must recognize your desires and dislikes without judging yourself for them or feeling forced to act upon them.)

Branden posits that you accept yourself on three different levels.

At the first level of accepting yourself, you’re on your own side. On some fundamental level, you’re born believing that you’re valuable and deserve to exist simply because you’re alive, though...

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary Pillar #3: Take Responsibility

Branden’s third pillar of self-esteem is to practice self-responsibility, or take responsibility in all areas of your life. In this chapter, you’ll learn what taking responsibility is, why it matters, and how you can facilitate it.

What Is Taking Responsibility?

Branden explains that when you take responsibility, you take ownership of your life, behavior, and well-being.

(Shortform note: In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson argues that taking responsibility will make you happier because you’ll feel empowered even in the worst situation.)

Specifically, Branden argues, you understand and practice the following:

1. You are responsible for reaching your goals. You understand that only you can develop and implement a plan to achieve your goals, and only you can ensure your schedule reflects your commitment to those goals. You also know that it’s your job to ask for any help you need. (Shortform note: To effectively schedule the tasks that support your goals,...

Shortform Exercise: Take Greater Responsibility

Think about how you take responsibility currently and ways you might do so better in the future.

Name an important goal of yours. This could be personal—like improving a relationship—or professional—like learning a new skill.

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary Pillar #4: Assert Yourself

Branden’s fourth pillar of self-esteem is to practice self-assertiveness, or assert yourself. In this section, you’ll learn what asserting yourself entails and why it matters. Then, you’ll learn how to improve your ability to assert yourself.

What Is Asserting Yourself?

Branden explains that when you assert yourself, you express what you want, need, and value in appropriate ways. You don't speak or act in ways incongruous with what you think or believe—and when this involves opposing others, you express this refusal carefully. For example, you stand up to your boss calmly, not by yelling at them.

(Shortform note: Asserting yourself might seem like it primarily requires confidence—but in Crucial Conversations, the authors add that expressing yourself to people who oppose you also requires humility: You must be humble enough to realize that you don’t know everything and that your opinion is a starting point for discussion.)

Specifically, Branden explains, when you assert yourself, you do the following:

**1. You assert your...

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary Pillar #5: Live Intentionally

Branden’s fifth pillar of self-esteem is to live purposefully, or live intentionally. In this section, you’ll first learn what it means to live intentionally and why it matters. Then, you’ll learn how to make living intentionally easier.

What Is Living Intentionally?

Branden explains that when you live with intention, you don’t just react to what happens: You proactively decide what your goals are, create plans to achieve them, then implement those plans.

(Shortform note: In Atomic Habits, Clear warns that creating and following goals may not be effective for long-term change. Once you reach the goal, you stop performing the behavior—which can send you right back to square one. For long-term change, Clear recommends creating identity-driven habits instead: First decide who you want to be, then create systems to support that identity.)

Specifically, you do the following:

1. You live productively. In other words, you earn your keep by actualizing your thoughts, setting and pursuing goals, and creating things that...

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary Pillar #6: Act With Integrity

Branden’s sixth and final pillar of self-esteem is to practice personal integrity, or act with integrity. In this section, you’ll learn what it means to act with integrity, why it matters, and how you can improve your ability to do so.

What Is Acting With Integrity?

Branden explains that when you act with integrity, your behavior reflects your values. You may not choose the perfect option every time, Branden notes, but you strive to find and follow the option that best reflects your values. If your values point to opposing behaviors, you weigh your options and select what seems best.

(Shortform note: In Awaken the Giant Within, Robbins recommends creating a value hierarchy. When you’re clear on which values matter the most to you, you can actively pursue them, which will fulfill you the most and improve your life.)

As Branden notes, since you only live by your values if you know what they are, **living with integrity also involves examining why you have certain values and changing them if necessary....

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary Part 3: How External Factors Influence Your Self-Esteem

You’ve now learned what you can do to improve your self-esteem. Although Branden emphasizes that self-esteem starts with your own behavior, he also examines the role that external factors play in supporting or diminishing self-esteem. In Part 3, you’ll learn about how the culture you grow up in influences your self-esteem.

How Culture Influences Self-Esteem

Branden discusses how every culture influences the self-esteem of its members—to both their advantage and disadvantage. In this section, you’ll first learn why self-esteem is a universal need, regardless of whether a particular culture supports it. Then, you’ll learn how cultures affect the self-esteem of their members—and how cultural values that support or discourage self-esteem affect the overall health of societies.

While Branden acknowledges that self-esteem is a recent Western concept, he argues that everybody needs self-esteem, regardless of culture, because you need self-esteem to survive: You only feel capable of handling the fundamental necessities of life—which you must in order to survive—if you have healthy self-esteem. Similarly, unless you feel you’re intrinsically worthy, you won’t, for...

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary Part 4 | Chapters 13-16: How to Nurture Self-Esteem in Others

You’ve now learned about how others influence your self-esteem—but how can you influence others’ self-esteem? In Part 4, you’ll first learn the influence parents have on our self-esteem and Branden’s recommendations for helping your children develop healthy self-esteem. Then, we’ll explore the roles that schools, companies, and psychotherapists play in nurturing others’ self-esteem.

How Parents Can Nurture Self-Esteem

Branden discusses the influence that parents have on their children’s self-esteem. In this section, we’ll first discuss the main goals of parenting with regard to helping children develop self-esteem. Then, we’ll discuss the specific practices parents should implement to help their kids develop self-esteem.

Branden contends that proper parenting should provide children with the skills and beliefs they need to behave in ways that generate self-esteem. Newborns are like blank slates who are on a journey to discover themselves—in other words, to reach the final stage of psychological development, when they are autonomous adults with healthy self-esteem. If the parent doesn’t fulfill his duty to provide optimal conditions for this journey, he damages...

Shortform Exercise: Evaluate Your Discipline

If you have children, they’ll inevitably make you mad. Answering these questions will help ensure you discipline them properly while still protecting their self-esteem.

Describe a situation in which your child misbehaved recently. What did they do?