Book SummaryThe Power Of Vulnerability, by Brené Brown

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of The Power Of Vulnerability

Many of us don’t want to discuss shame or vulnerability. To deal with our problems, we want positive, straightforward “how-to” explanations that allow us to avoid vulnerability and that offer happiness, beauty, or joy. However, “how-to” explanations don’t work because they don’t address the causes of negative emotions.

In fact, today, people are lonelier, more obese, and more addicted than ever before because they opt to distract or numb themselves rather than address their insecurities or shame. For example, rather than dealing with the cause of their depression, many develop addictions to prescription drugs to “escape” their emotional trauma.

What Is Scarcity Culture?

Our tendency toward numbing behaviors is the result of scarcity culture. Scarcity culture operates under the belief that we’re never “enough.” For example, when things go wrong, we often tell ourselves we’re not wealthy enough, strong enough, or happy enough.

This fear drives modern culture, infecting everything from political campaigns to the college admission process. For example, political candidates often offer dystopian views of the future under their opponent, stoking the fears of their base. Similarly, high school counselors often offer dystopian views of the future if students don’t get into the “best” college, stoking the fears of teenagers and their parents.

Wholehearted Living

Scarcity culture can be subverted by wholehearted living. You can achieve wholehearted living by embracing vulnerability and accepting that you are worthy of love and belonging. Most people aren’t raised in a wholehearted way, leaving most to work toward the lifestyle on their own.

Because shame and scarcity culture have many ways of developing, wholehearted living requires constant reflection and self-care. Knowing yourself gives you insight, but actively taking care of yourself builds your self-worth. There are three aspects to wholehearted living: love, belonging, and vulnerability.

Love

Love is a deep connection that operates on respect, affection, and kindness. It isn’t something that you can simply offer or receive, but requires cultivation and growth over time. You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. If you don’t believe that you’re loveable, you will put up walls that will prevent others from developing sincere relationships with you.

Belonging

Belonging is our intrinsic desire to be a part of something larger than ourselves. Often, we try to change our behavior to fit in based on other people’s expectations. However, this behavior is unfulfilling and creates more barriers to true belonging. True belonging requires that you share your authentic self with the world to connect with other people, linking your sense of belonging to self-acceptance.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the willingness to show up and share your authentic self while knowing that you have no control over the outcome of your interactions. Vulnerability removes defensiveness, promotes empathy, and bolsters creativity. Many associate vulnerability with weakness and push people away out of fear of rejection or ridicule. However, you can’t experience wholeheartedness without it.

Shame and Empathy

Shame is insecurity that attaches to self-identity and gets in the way of action or vulnerability. It causes people to believe that they’re unworthy or unloveable. For example, if you feel shame about the way you look, and someone rejects you romantically, you may believe that you’re not “attractive enough,” diminishing your self-worth in the process.

Shame relies on people believing that their experience with insecurity is unrelatable, creating a sense of loneliness. Though shame feels isolating, everyone experiences it (with the exception of severe psychopaths). While no one wants to share their insecurities, talking about shame is the only way to diminish its power because, once you know that you’re not alone, shame loses its leverage.

Common Sources of Shame

Shame often develops in childhood and lingers throughout adulthood. The roots of shame are often built at home or at school and are frequently a result of interactions with authority figures such as teachers or parents. For example, if a teacher calls a student “stupid” in front of the class for forgetting to put their name on their paper, that student may develop shame around their intelligence.

In addition to teachers and parents, negative interactions with siblings often cause shame. Siblings know each other’s triggers and often abuse that knowledge through name-calling, physical abuse, and other cruel practices. These may occur during fights and are usually outlets for unrelated anger.

Shame Triggers

Shame triggers are topics that evoke emotional responses based on your insecurities. These triggers are often developed in childhood but carry on into adulthood. For example, if you were raised to believe that laziness is unacceptable, you may view taking breaks or getting sick as unacceptable because they keep you from working. This may cause you to make unhealthy decisions and overwork yourself to avoid your shame.

Handling Shame

Unfortunately, shame is a part of life. There isn’t a way to eradicate it, but you can deal with it healthily:

First, understand that self-worth has no prerequisites. You don’t have to do anything to be “worthy” of love and belonging. If you feel you have to prove yourself, you’re allowing your shame to dictate your behavior.

Second, when bad things happen, don’t allow them to dictate your self-worth. Don’t allow your guilt or humiliation to turn into shame. Instead of saying, “I’m a bad person,” tell yourself, “I made a bad decision, and I’m working to fix it.”

Third, accountability is important, but never at the cost of shaming. This applies to how you treat yourself as well as how you treat others.

**Fourth,...

The Power Of Vulnerability Summary Introduction

Many of us don’t want to discuss shame or vulnerability. To deal with our problems, we want positive, straightforward “how-to” explanations that offer happiness, beauty, or joy that don’t require vulnerability. However, “how-to” explanations don’t work because they don’t address the causes of negative emotions.

In fact, today, people are lonelier, more obese, and more addicted than ever before because they opt to distract or numb themselves rather than address their insecurities or shame. For example, rather than dealing with the cause of their depression, many develop addictions to prescription drugs to “escape” their emotional trauma.

(Shortform note: The Power of Vulnerability is presented over the course of six, hour-long lectures given by Brené Brown. For this summary, “Part 1” covers information from the first four lectures, while “Part 2” covers information from the final two lectures.)

Our tendency toward numbing behaviors is the result of scarcity culture. Scarcity culture operates under the belief that we’re never “enough.” For example, when things go wrong, we often tell ourselves we’re not wealthy enough, strong enough, or happy enough. This...

The Power Of Vulnerability Summary Part 1: Vulnerability | Chapter 1: Shame and Empathy

Shame is insecurity that attaches to self-identity and gets in the way of action or vulnerability. It causes people to believe that they’re unworthy or unloveable. For example, if you feel shame about the way you look, and someone rejects you romantically, you may believe that you’re not “attractive enough,” diminishing your self-worth in the process.

Shame relies on people believing that their experience with insecurity is unrelatable, creating a sense of loneliness. This often causes people to believe that no one else could possibly understand their situation, leading to the development of three factors that allow shame to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgment.

For example, a common form of shame is known as “imposter syndrome,” or the feeling that you’re a fraud. Imposter syndrome requires that you believe that the people around you are more qualified than you are and can’t understand your insecurity. This may lead you to keep your fears to yourself (silence), prevent others from seeing any potential weaknesses (secrecy), and increase your awareness of the failures of others (judgment).

Though shame feels isolating, everyone experiences it (with the exception...

Shortform Exercise: Identify Shame Triggers

Knowing your shame triggers can help you navigate your emotional responses and build healthy habits.

Identify a personal shame trigger. What do you think made this topic triggering for you?

Shortform Exercise: Handle Shame

While shame is unavoidable, you don’t have to let it control your life.

What are your physical responses to shame? (For instance, you may get tense, warm, or dizzy.)

The Power Of Vulnerability Summary Chapter 2: Myths About Vulnerability and Emotional Armor

There are many myths about vulnerability that lead people to put on “emotional armor” that prevents them from living authentically. There are three primary myths that distort people’s perception of vulnerability:

Myth #1: “Vulnerability is a weakness, and I can’t show weakness because I’m a __.”

Because vulnerability requires sharing shame and emotion, many associate it with weakness. As a result, many believe that because they’re a certain gender or work a certain job, they can’t show vulnerability:

• From a gender perspective, this is usually said by men because they believe that masculinity doesn’t align with vulnerability.
• From a career perspective, this is usually said by people in high-stress or high-power positions such as lawyers, executives, or engineers.

Despite this popular belief, vulnerability is actually a sign of strength. It requires more courage to share something intimate with someone not knowing how they’ll perceive you than staying silent and isolated because you’re afraid of what they may think of you.

Myth #2: “I don’t need vulnerability because I can handle my shame in private.”

**Shame uses isolation to...

Shortform Exercise: Identify Your Emotional Armor

Knowing what pieces of “emotional armor” you use will help you handle your shame in a healthier way.

What pieces of emotional armor do you have? (For instance, you may be a perfectionist or use numbing behaviors.)

The Power Of Vulnerability Summary Part 2: Practices | Chapter 3: Wholehearted Thinking (Practices #1-5)

Wholehearted living requires active engagement and constant reflection. There are 10 practices for living wholeheartedly. This chapter will cover practices 1-5, and the next chapter will cover practices 6-10.

The first five practices promote healthy thinking and internal reflection. They are mostly internal practices that will help you let go of the mental roadblocks you may face on your way to wholehearted living.

Practice #1: Live authentically by letting go of other people’s expectations.

Authenticity is the process of accepting ourselves for who we really are and abandoning the idea of who we think we’re supposed to be. By placing value on your own needs and identity, authenticity helps develop your sense of self-worth. There are three requirements for authentic living:

• Embrace imperfection
• Create boundaries
• Be willing to be vulnerable

This can be a challenging process as human beings are hard-wired to want to fit in with others, often by adhering to external expectations. For example, if you want to make a good impression on a new co-worker, you may agree to every favor that they ask of you, even if it leads to unnecessary...

Shortform Exercise: Live Authentically

Authentic living leads to better decision-making and a healthier lifestyle. To begin living authentically, let go of external expectations, and make choices based on what’s best for you.

Think of a time you agreed to do something that you didn’t want to do, only to regret the decision later. Describe the experience.

Shortform Exercise: Practice Gratitude

Gratitude is one of the most important aspects of wholehearted living. It prevents foreboding joy (a fear of the “other shoe dropping”) and allows you to maintain perspective.

List three to five things that you’re grateful for in this moment. Explain why you’re grateful for each.

The Power Of Vulnerability Summary Chapter 4: Wholehearted Behavior (Practices #6-10)

This chapter covers the final five practices for wholehearted living. These practices promote action and behavior. By engaging with things such as creativity, play, and rest, you can lower your inhibitions, let go of the need for validation, and take care of your mind and body.

Practice #6: Rediscover creativity and abandon comparison.

Creativity is essential to wholehearted living, acting as an outlet for emotional expression and a generator for innovation. Many scoff at art, calling it self-indulgent or childish. However, unused creativity often transforms into pent-up, negative emotions such as guilt, rage, or judgment. In addition to emotional build-up, a lack of creativity has contributed to the “innovation problem” many businesses have experienced in the 21st century.

Everyone has the capacity to be creative. However, many people experience shame surrounding art at a young age, leading them to abandon their creative pursuits early on. In fact, because art requires immense vulnerability—often in a public setting—creativity is one of the most common shame triggers.

What causes this common source of shame? Comparison. In the United States,...

Shortform Exercise: Rediscover Creativity and Engage in Play

Creativity and play allow you to express your emotions and release your inhibitions.

What creative activities interest you? List several. (These don’t have to be activities that you’re an expert in. They can be anything creative, from glass blowing to voice lessons.)

Shortform Exercise: Embrace Calm and Stillness

In times of stress or crisis, embracing calm and stillness will help you find clarity and prevent anxiety from controlling your life.

Think of a time when a stressful incident or crisis caused your anxiety to take over. Describe the experience and how you reacted. (Think about tendencies toward over-functioning and under-functioning.)