Book SummaryThe Like Switch, by Jack Schafer and Marvin Karlins

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of The Like Switch

Do you struggle to make friends? Have you ever wanted to learn how to read people? If so, Jack Schafer and Marvin Karlins’s The Like Switch can help. Schafer spent 22 years as a Special Agent in counter-intelligence, counter-terrorism, and behavioral analysis at the FBI. In The Like Switch, Schafer—with the help of Karlins, a management and organizational behavior expert—applies his experience earning the trust of witnesses, suspects, and spies to the...

The Like Switch Summary The Spectrum of Friendship

Schafer and Karlins discuss many strategies for building and maintaining relationships, especially friendships. However, before you can apply these strategies to make new friends, you’ll need to know whether someone is even open to a connection with you. You can do this by figuring out where a person falls on the authors’ “friend-foe continuum.” For clarity, we’ll call this the “friendship spectrum” in the rest of this guide.

On one end of the spectrum, you have friends—people with whom you have a positive connection and a good rapport. On the other end, you have enemies—people who don’t wish to form a connection with you or who wish you harm. Strangers fall in the middle. You don’t know enough about them to judge whether they’re a friend or an enemy.

(Shortform note: You likely already appreciate and depend on people who fall on the “friend” side of the friendship spectrum, as these are the people who make you feel happy, loved, and safe. However, [studies show that you also need...

The Like Switch Summary How to Translate Nonverbal Communication

To consciously assess where strangers might fall on the friendship spectrum, you need to know how to translate the nonverbal cues your brain picks up on. In this section, we’ll discuss the authors’ advice for using nonverbal cues to identify potential friends, avoid potential enemies, and effectively communicate your openness to friendship.

Spotting Friendly Cues

There are many non-verbal ways we show others we’re open to a positive connection. According to Schafer and Karlins, the following behaviors communicate friendliness, confidence, and trust. If you see people displaying these cues, they’re willing to be your friend. You can also exhibit these behaviors yourself to invite new connections.

Smiling

This is one of the most powerful ways to signal affection and openness. Furthermore, smiling people are seen as more attractive and more confident.

(Shortform note: The authors say that smiling generally shows others that you’re friendly, confident, and open to connection. However, smiles are arguably more nuanced than this[: There are many different-looking types that we use for different...

The Like Switch Summary Attracting New Friends and Forming Connections

You’ve just learned how to read and display a collection of nonverbal cues that indicate your, and other people’s, receptiveness to friendship. What should you do next to move from signaling friendliness to actually building a friendship?

In this section, we’ll address four factors the authors claim are necessary for any budding friendship to succeed. We’ll also break down Schafer and Karlins’s advice on how to draw people to you and how to connect with new friends.

The Four Essential Factors of a Strong Friendship

Schafer and Karlins argue that every friendship depends on four basic factors. Without them, your friendships will struggle to thrive, especially when they’re just starting out.

The first factor is seeing the other person in the same physical space over time, whether at work, school, or in a personal context. When you occupy the same space as someone else, you have the opportunity to develop a personal connection with them. Shared occupation of physical space also creates familiarity, making a person seem less threatening.

(Shortform note: Studies show that Schafer and Karlins’s emphasis on maintaining proximity in friendships is well-founded....

The Like Switch Summary How to Keep Friends by Making Others Feel Good About Themselves

In the last section, you learned tools for starting new friendships. In this section, we’ll teach you Schafer and Karlins’s methods for maintaining strong relationships by keeping new and old friends feeling valued and happy.

The Fundamental Rule of Maintaining Friendships

Most of the authors’ advice for maintaining positive relationships can be broken down into one simple rule: People like people who increase their sense of self-worth. If you do things for a person that contribute to their positive sense of self, they’ll associate good feelings with your presence, and they’ll want to be around you more.

(Shortform note: It may be true that people will like being around you if you make them feel good about themselves. However, the authors’ suggestion that you should keep your sole focus on making the other person happy could lead to a one-sided friendship if taken to the extreme. If your friend turns every conversation back to themselves or only wants to spend time with you when they need something, your relationship is probably one-sided. You should spend time and...

The Like Switch Summary The Art of Good Conversations

In the last section, we discussed Schafer and Karlins’s methods for getting people to like you by building up their self-esteem. Another way to start and maintain strong friendships is by being a skilled conversationalist. In this section, you’ll learn the authors’ tips for keeping conversations balanced and pleasant for everyone involved. We’ll also discuss their advice on how to navigate nonverbal communication during conversations.

Choosing a Conversation Topic

As with building a friendship, when starting conversations, it’s good to find common ground. Talk about topics you and the other participants all appreciate and understand. Additionally, bring up past topics of conversation if you’ve met before so you can continue to build your relationship based on existing rapport. The authors advise not to bring up topics that make people uncomfortable or cause controversy, as the resulting division of opinions may ruin new friendships.

How to Keep the Conversation Going

Even if, according to Schafer and Karlins’s guidelines, you’ve chosen an interesting, uncontroversial, and appropriate subject to talk about, it’s easy to run out of things to say during a...

The Like Switch Summary Managing Conflict in Relationships

Even if you use all the authors’ advice for strong friendships and smooth conversations from the previous sections, you’ll still run into moments of conflict in your relationships. In this section, we’ll discuss Schafer and Karlins’s techniques for approaching conflict productively.

When Someone’s Angry at You

We’ve all faced anger from others at some point. In these moments, it can feel impossible to find a solution. Using Schafer and Karlins’s method for managing angry responses, you can quickly and productively move through a conflict. This can help keep your relationships healthy and respectful.

To start, don’t try to reason with someone who’s angry: Anger triggers the fight-or-flight response in us, which dampens our capacity for logical reasoning and makes reason-based arguments with an angry person unhelpful. Instead, let the angry person spend some time calming down.

(Shortform note: The fight-or-flight response is your body’s instinctive way of focusing all your energy on survival in the face of perceived danger. When an emotion like anger, anxiety, or even excitement triggers this response, [several physiological processes...

The Like Switch Summary Friendship in the Digital Age

Throughout this guide, we’ve discussed Schafer and Karlins’s techniques for making friends and building strong connections. Most of these techniques depend on your ability to read other people’s nonverbal cues in person, but in today’s world, many relationships are formed online. Relationships in virtual spaces have their own set of unique rules and challenges. With that in mind, in this section, we’ll discuss some basic facts about online friendships and the authors’ guidelines for how to enter them safely.

Unique Considerations of Online Relationships

The authors identify three main factors that are unique to online relationships:

Consideration #1: It’s Easy to Find People With Common Interests

According to Schafer and Karlins, it’s easy to make friends online because it’s easy to find common interests. There are thousands of strangers online who watch the same shows as you, play the same sports as you, have the same hobbies as you, and so on, and they’re all right at your fingertips.

(Shortform note: You can use the internet to orchestrate in-person connections with people who share your interests. For example, the website [Meetup allows you to find groups...

Shortform Exercise: Practice Reading and Giving Nonverbal Cues

You just learned all about the importance of nonverbal communication in forming friendships. Take a moment to practice interpreting and applying nonverbal cues in a hypothetical scenario.

Imagine you’re at a work-related party. You want to get to know a new hire in your department, but you haven’t had much chance to talk at work yet. You see her walk into the party, and you decide this is a good chance to try and get to know her a little. What are three nonverbal cues you could use to get her attention and show her that you’re interested in being her friend?