Book SummaryThe Courage to Be Disliked, by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of The Courage to Be Disliked

In The Courage to Be Disliked, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga present a radical and empowering new way of thinking that may transform your life. This self-help bestseller is based on the theories of the influential 20th century psychologist Alfred Adler, who believed that every individual has the power to break free from past traumas and find happiness. By shattering the illusion that you must live up to the expectations of others to be happy, the authors reveal how to tap into the freedom and joy inherent in human existence.

Kishimi and Koga begin their argument with the assertion that all of life’s problems can be easily solved, and that life is only complex because we believe it to be so. With this in mind, they insist that the only thing you need to be happy is the “courage to be disliked.” The rest of this guide will explain why this is the case.

(Shortform note: Kishimi and Koga’s title for the book was possibly inspired by the well-known phrase in Adlerian psychology “the courage to be imperfect,”...

The Courage to Be Disliked Summary Unhappiness Is a Choice

The foundation of Kishimi and Koga’s worldview is the notion that any individual can find happiness, no matter what happened to them in the past. Consequently, the only thing differentiating someone unhappy from the happy people around them is the fact they’ve decided not to change.

(Shortform note: Many readers argue that finding happiness isn’t as simple as Kishimi and Koga’s extreme statement leads you to believe. In fact, believing this idea at face value can backfire—“deciding to be happy” by expressing insincere positivity can be even more damaging than expressing authentic unhappiness. However, in the book’s full context, Kishimi and Koga push a more balanced view of this sentiment. While anyone can “decide to change,” the authors acknowledge that it isn’t easy, and it may take several years to fully rewire your mental habits.)

Kishimi and Koga explain that Adler is a proponent of “individual psychology.” By “individual,” Adler means that the self is impossible to divide. You are a single entity—your body and mind, emotion and reason, and unconscious and conscious mind all work in harmony toward the same goal....

The Courage to Be Disliked Summary How Unhappy People Choose to See the World

So far, we’ve established that your emotions and identity are determined by the goals you set for yourself. Additionally, the goal that has the greatest impact on your life happiness is the end goal of your interpersonal relationships.

According to Kishimi and Koga, there are two goals to choose from when it comes to our relationships with others: We can interact with others in hopes of either earning their approval or contributing positively to their lives. Unhappy people choose the former, while happy people choose the latter.

(Shortform note: The concept that we should ideally interact with others without expecting their approval or anything else in return is a common idea—the 18th-century philosopher Immanuel Kant used it as the basis of his definition of universal morality. Among those who express this idea, Kishimi and Koga take an extreme stance, declaring it the basis of all lasting happiness.)

In this section, we’re going to examine the unhappy lifestyle that inevitably results from the goal of external approval. Afterward, we’ll take a look at the fulfilling lifestyle of someone who...

The Courage to Be Disliked Summary How Happy People Choose to See the World

Now that we’ve explained how the need for external approval has the potential to damage your life and relationships, we’ll conclude by taking a look at the alternative: This is Kishimi and Koga’s advice for how to live a happy life.

Happy People Aim to Help Others

Kishimi and Koga argue that instead of seeking approval, happy people make it their ultimate goal to help others. They feel genuine pleasure when they can contribute to the well-being of those around them. In this way, all it takes to be happy is to honestly believe that you’re useful to someone.

It’s important to note that feeling useful—not appreciated—is the key to their happiness: Kishimi and Koga assert that as long as happy people honestly believe that they’re helping others, they feel no emotional attachment to what others think of them. This is the “courage to be disliked” from the book’s title.

Kishimi and Koga argue that it’s inevitable that some people will dislike you. No matter what you do, there will be someone in the world who would rather you do it differently. The only way to attain sustainable happiness is to work up the courage to embrace this fact and free yourself to...

Shortform Exercise: Is Seeking Approval Making You Unhappy?

Kishimi and Koga assert that all negative emotions stem from the goal to avoid trying and failing to earn external approval. Investigate a persistent source of negative feelings in your life to see if they may be caused by this need for approval.

Describe a persistent negative emotion that you wish you didn’t have. What goal might these negative feelings be helping you achieve? (Recall our example from earlier: An actor too anxious to learn their lines may be trying to avoid the risk of embarrassment on stage.)

Shortform Exercise: Practice Setting Boundaries

Kishimi and Koga argue that all interpersonal relationship problems are the result of improper boundaries—either you’re taking responsibility for a problem that isn’t yours, or someone else is taking responsibility for one of your problems. Practice setting healthy boundaries by deconstructing one of your personal issues through this lens.

Describe an ongoing interpersonal conflict in your life: any frustrating or distressing disagreement between you and one other person. Identify the problem or problems keeping each person from what they want. (For example, imagine your significant other thinks you’re spending too much time out with friends and feels neglected. Your significant other’s problem is that they want to spend more time with you, while your problem is that you want to spend time with your friends, but you don’t want to upset your partner.)