In The Confidence Code, journalists and authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman examine confidence—what it is, why it’s important, and why women seem predisposed to have less of it than men. (While the book focuses on confidence in women, much of the confidence-building advice applies to men too.)
Confidence is believing so strongly that you can do something that you’re driven to actually do it. The belief stems from mastery—you know you can do something because you’ve worked hard and pushed through past difficulties and failures.
Confidence is contagious—once you’ve mastered something, this gives you the confidence that you can master (or at least try) something else.
Confidence is important for three reasons:
1. If you don’t have it, you won’t act, even if you have the desire and skills to do so.
2. It’s more important than competence (provided the gap between competence and confidence is small). Humans admire and respect people who display confidence, and when people genuinely believe they’re good at something (even if they’re objectively not) they naturally give off nonverbal cues and behave in ways that make them seem confident. Keeping your head down and working hard isn’t as visible.
Interestingly, many confident-but-not-extremely-competent people never run into problems. Others don’t think they’re narcissistic because they’re not faking their confidence; they genuinely believe they’re as good as they think they are.
3. It contributes to emotional well-being. Being confident offers more rewards than workplace or personal success. Confidence contributes to making you feel engaged, rewarded, accepted, fulfilled, and purposeful.
Researchers have found evidence that women have less confidence than men, and women tend to underestimate their abilities. Men tend to overestimate their abilities:
Confidence comes from biological factors (genetics, brain biology, and hormones) as well as environmental factors (upbringing, societal expectations, and so on).
Scientists estimate that 25-50% of our confidence comes from our genes. Four notable genes affect confidence and their variants are evenly distributed between genders.
Gene #1: The serotonin transporter (SLC6A4). This gene regulates serotonin levels in the body. Serotonin calms the amygdala, the two primitive parts of the brain responsible for fear and strong, often negative emotions that further survival. Serotonin also de-stresses the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for, among other things, rational thought). A calmer prefrontal cortex makes you feel happier, less anxious, and more confident in your decision-making.
SLC6A4 comes in three variants that process serotonin: well, inefficiently, and poorly, respectively. People with the quick-processing variants are resilient, which helps them be confident, and people with the slow-processing one are at a higher risk of anxiety and depression
Gene #2: OXTR. This gene controls [restricted term] levels. [restricted term], like serotonin, aids the prefrontal cortex processes and calms the amygdala. Additionally, it encourages positive thoughts about others, which increases optimism. Optimism supports confidence because it’s easier to take risks if you believe things will turn out all right.
Like SLC6A4, this gene also has two variants. One makes people more resilient and outgoing; the other can lead to low self-esteem and low optimism.
Genes #3 and #4: COMT and DRD4. These genes control [restricted term], which aids concentration and is linked to action and risk-taking.
COMT is responsible for clearing [restricted term] out of the prefrontal cortex and there are three variants that clear [restricted term]: quickly, medium speed, or slowly. When there’s excess [restricted term] in the prefrontal cortex (in times of stress), the brain shuts down, so the quick-clearing variant restores balance more quickly, aiding confidence.
DRD4 comes in two variants and those with DRD47R are more adventurous because the variant encourages pushing limits and extreme risk-taking.
Even if you have genes that don’t enhance confidence, that doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to be under-confident. Certain genes related to character traits can turn on and off, depending on life experiences, thus changing our brain chemistry—and our confidence levels.
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In The Confidence Code, journalists and authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman examine confidence—a personality trait that’s a major contributor to success. In this chapter, you’ll learn what confidence is, why it’s important, and how women seem predisposed to have less of it than men. (While the book focuses on confidence in women, much of the confidence-building advice applies to men too.) In later chapters, you’ll learn where confidence comes from and how to build it. Finally, in the appendix, you can assess your current confidence levels.
(Shortform note: We’ve rearranged the book’s material for concision and clarity.)
Confidence is believing so strongly that you can do something that you’re driven to actually do it. The belief stems from mastery—you know you can do something because you’ve worked hard and pushed through past difficulties and failures.
**Confidence is...
In the previous chapter, we discussed confidence and some of its associated psychological traits. Now, we’ll explore where it comes from. This chapter looks at the first of three biological factors that affect confidence: genetics. In the next chapter, we’ll cover brain chemistry and hormones.
It’s scientifically accepted that the big five personality traits—agreeableness, neuroticism, conscientiousness, extroversion, and openness are responsible for around 50% of our personalities. Confidence and optimism are related to these traits, and scientists estimate that 25-50% of our confidence comes from our genes.
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While there are no genetic differences between men and women—the confidence-related gene variants are evenly distributed between genders—the sexes do have physiological differences in their brains, think in different ways, and have different amounts of relevant hormones. Understanding the differences can help you with self-compassion—if you know your brain is predisposed to something, it’s easier to take it less personally. First, we’ll talk about brains, then, hormones.
First, it’s important to note that while there are differences (the subject of this section), men’s and women's brains are far more alike than different.
Women’s and men’s brain differ in the following ways:
In the previous chapters, we discussed how genetics, brain biology, and hormones affect confidence. But confidence isn’t a matter of nature versus nurture—both our biology and our environment affect us and neither will win out. In this chapter, we’ll look at what role the environment plays in confidence development, focusing on the influences and obstacles that affect women, who often lack the self-belief men have.
One of the first environmental factors girls face is behavioral expectations. Starting in elementary school or even earlier at home, children, especially girls, are rewarded for being “good”—quiet, neat, compliant, and well-behaved. Encouraging goodness discourages confidence-building behavior like taking risks, being rowdy, or teasing and roughhousing (both common ways boys play). These expectations affect girls more than boys because:
This leads to...
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Several external and internal factors affect confidence.
When you were a child, were you pressured to be good? Did you succumb to this pressure? Why or why not?
As we discussed in the previous chapters, biological and environmental factors contribute to confidence, but confidence isn’t a fixed trait—you have to build it. Psychologists believe that 50% of developing confidence might come from choice and will.
The confidence code—the building blocks of creating confidence—consists of three principles:
You can increase your confidence by practicing this code in two ways:
1. Regularly expose yourself to these confidence builders:
2. Try the following techniques:
The first technique is to fail fast—failing fast is a business strategy that involves trying lots of ideas, expecting that most of them will fail. Then, you abandon the failures early (saving time and money) and only pursue the ideas that have promise.
This is useful as a...
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This exercise practices the confidence-building technique of shifting your focus from yourself to others.
What’s something you want to do but haven’t yet because you lack confidence?
The previous chapter discussed techniques for building your confidence. In this final chapter, you’ll learn how to build confidence in your children and the women you know.
The earlier in life we encounter the confidence builders (risk, failure, and so on), the faster and more effectively we build confidence.
Failure in particular builds resilience—the more you experience it, especially when you’re young, the less you fear it.
Here are some strategies for raising a confident child of any gender:
1. Slowly expose children to risk—too much all at once might traumatize them. Celebrate successes and discuss what worked. Be intentional and constructive about failure. For example, if your child needs to learn to swim, don’t push her off the boat in...
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The authors provide several suggestions for building confidence in others.
Think of a woman you know who’s achieved something impressive at work recently. How might you encourage her to acknowledge and talk about this achievement? (For example, you might remind her that her boss wants to know the employees she’s chosen to hire are capable.)
Now that you have a good handle on how confidence works, try this assessment of self-esteem (which is related to confidence) and an assessment of confidence.
Give yourself a score of 0-3 on each of the following questions. 0 means you strongly disagree, 3 means you strongly agree.
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