Book SummaryThe Art of Gathering, by Priya Parker

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of The Art of Gathering

Have you ever attended a conference and spent the entire time waiting for it to end? Have you ever gone to a wedding and felt there was something missing?

Experiences like these inspired Priya Parker, an expert on gatherings, to write The Art of Gathering. Parker contends that pre-planned gatherings of all types—both business and personal—could be meaningful experiences, but too many...

The Art of Gathering Summary What to Do Before the Gathering

Parker argues that what you do before the gathering is just as important as what you do during the gathering itself. She shares five essential tips: Identify the reason, curate your guest list, select a venue, create directives, and set expectations.

Identify the Reason

According to Parker, the first thing you should do when planning your gathering is to identify the reason, or “purpose,” for which you’re gathering. You should have one clear, distinct, and specific reason for gathering that’s not defined by the type of gathering you’re having. For example, a bachelorette party is not a reason; “give my bridesmaids a chance to bond with each other before the wedding” is.

Why do you need a reason? Parker explains that without one, you might gather in unhelpful ways. This may result in a missed opportunity to do something meaningful. Alternatively, you might gather in ways that are antithetical to your values; this can happen when you follow traditional customs because you find the custom itself significant but not the original reason the custom was developed.

How to Identify the Reason for Your Business Meeting

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The Art of Gathering Summary How to Begin the Gathering

After you’ve completed all the pre-gathering steps, the day of your gathering will come and your guests will start to arrive. But, Parker argues, if you don’t handle these moments right, all that pre-gathering work will have been wasted. For the best possible gathering, Parker suggests that you pay attention to two key moments: the arrival and the opening.

Manage Your Guests’ Arrival

Parker suggests that you manage your guests’ arrival by introducing a clear physical or metaphorical transition into your gathering. When your guests arrive, they will be mentally wrapped up in whatever else is going on in their lives—like the fight they just had with their sister. By providing them with an appropriate transition, you encourage them to forget about everything else and refocus their attention on your gathering so they can be fully engaged.

(Shortform note: If you (as a guest) are preoccupied with an unrelated event before entering a gathering, it’s arguably your responsibility (not the host’s) to manage your worries so that they don’t distract you from participating fully in the gathering. [Try meditating or...

The Art of Gathering Summary How to Behave During the Gathering

Just as important as how you behave before your gathering is how you behave during the gathering. In this section, we’ll dispel the three misconceptions that Parker believes harm your gathering—and share her recommendations on how to behave instead.

Misconception #1: The Host Should Relax

The first harmful misconception, according to Parker, is the idea that the host should relax, or “chill.” Hosts who think they should relax leave guests to their own devices—such as by letting guests roam around the venue unrestricted. These hosts see their refusal to direct the gathering as an act of kindness that will result in a laid-back, undirected affair. But in reality, if a host doesn’t direct his own affair, someone else will—usually in a manner that ruins the gathering for everybody else.

Instead, Parker recommends that you shift your mindset and deliberately direct the gathering. In other words, you must use your power as a host to make your guests do things they might not choose themselves. If this seems too stuffy, remind yourself that deliberate direction is kinder than relaxing—as long as it’s motivated by a desire to provide your guests with a maximally...

The Art of Gathering Summary How to Close the Gathering

Eventually, your gathering will have to end—and treating this ending with the respect it deserves will cement the experience in your guests’ minds. In this section, we’ll first explain why deliberately closing your gathering matters. Then, we’ll share Parker’s advice on closing the gathering in a way that honors the rest of your work.

Parker explains that deliberately closing your gathering is essential because it provides your guests with a transition. As Parker notes, endings are inherently sad, so many people deliberately avoid officially closing their gathering. For example, the party host lets the guests trickle out rather than signaling that they should go home.

(Shortform note: Cultural differences in how hosts close their gatherings may convince a guest that a host hasn’t deliberately closed their gathering when in fact they have. For example, in the Midwestern United States, a “welp” from the host signals that the gathering is now over—but someone not familiar with Midwestern English wouldn’t interpret that as an official close.)

However, Parker argues that not...

Shortform Exercise: Figure Out Your Guest List

Now that you know that every gathering you have must only include people who support the reason for gathering, apply Parker’s advice to ensure that you curate your guest list accordingly for your next gathering.

What is the reason that you’re gathering? Recall Parker’s advice that a reason must be clear, specific, and not defined by the type of gathering.