Book SummaryThe Anatomy of Peace, by The Arbinger Institute

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of The Anatomy of Peace

We all struggle with conflicts, both on a smaller scale—in our businesses and families—and on a grand scale—politically and intergovernmentally. In all spheres of our lives, we see people embroiled in bitter, cyclical conflicts that appear to resist all efforts toward resolution. The Anatomy of Peace, by the Arbinger Institute, discusses the ways in which we perpetuate conflict by misunderstanding its cause and acting inappropriately as a result.

First, we’ll explore the ways in which we approach conflict from the wrong angle, and the mechanics of the mindset that leads us to do so. Then, we’ll discuss how to replace that mindset with one more conducive to resolving conflict, and how to build resilient relationships.

What’s Going Wrong

Regardless of your circumstances, the first step toward resolving conflict is to be open to the possibility that you’re contributing to the problem. Even if your position is right, your mindset may lead you to behave in a way that inflames those around you. Accept the possibility that your mindset, behavior, and strategy may need to change. (We’ll discuss changing your mindset further in the coming sections.)

Arbinger explains that when our conflicts drag on, it’s because we’re working against each other, rather than together. In other words:

1. We try to correct someone else’s behavior, or force them to change.
2. We refuse to correct our own behavior.

A combative approach like this can generate results, but only if we have the power and authority to force compliance. And whether we have that power or not, when we force others to do what we want, contrary to their needs and desires, we lose their trust and respect.

Furthermore, Arbinger explains that once a conflict gets hostile, it’s too late to demand change—the other party isn’t interested in what we want. Instead, Arbinger recommends we get involved with other people before things go wrong, and before they shut us out.

(Shortform note: Arbinger’s approach to solving interpersonal conflict—addressing the conflict’s underlying causes—is a bottom-up approach. Many analysts and mediators of large-scale conflicts have begun to shift toward a bottom-up approach to conflict. Instead of applying fixes and corrections—aiming for the nail that sticks up—they address the underlying, hostility-fueling aspects of a conflict system; that is, what pushed the nail out in the first place. In The Anatomy of Peace, Arbinger explains that the “underlying aspect of the system” that we need to address in our interpersonal conflicts is the way we treat people whose interests conflict with ours. To do this, the authors recommend adopting a new mindset—one centered around being respectful of the humanity of others—thus addressing the underlying cycle of hostility that drives these conflicts.)

Lead by Example

Instead of forcing compliance, Arbinger says, we should lead by example: By adopting a cooperative mindset and aiming to work together, we’ll encourage others to do the same.

We’ll discuss how best to correct others in the section titled “The Cooperative Strategy.” For now, let’s examine the ways in which changing our own behavior and mindset can improve our approach to conflict.

Personal Change Is Contagious

According to some authors, changing your own behavior is the key to getting others to change. Art Markman, author of Smart Change, says that hypocrisy doesn’t work here; you can’t demand a behavior from someone that you don’t effectively embody yourself.

But, Markman says, if you can show others, by your own actions, how to be better—and the benefits of being that way—your behavior becomes contagious. Markman particularly emphasizes visibility; the people whose behavior you want to change need to see you embodying the principles you want them to adopt.

Some researchers note that when others trust you, your goals become contagious as well. This is particularly noteworthy in ongoing conflict—if your goal is to find a healthy, equitable resolution to the conflict, make sure your words and actions show that.

The Two Mindsets

The Anatomy of Peace describes two mindsets: the combative mindset and the cooperative mindset. Whether we succeed at resolving conflict depends on which we embody.

Ideally, you embody the cooperative mindset; you make a conscious effort to always see others as people, with needs, challenges, hopes, and fears as real and important as your own. When you see others as people, you’re innately aware of how to treat them appropriately and resist any pressure to betray that sense. This mindset proactively mitigates and minimizes conflict by accepting a personal responsibility to change and by building relationships in a way that encourages cooperation.

(Shortform note: Treating others compassionately provides two powerful benefits: For ourselves, being able to see that the cruelty, anger, and aggression others show us comes from a place of misdirected pain humanizes them in our eyes. It shows us that we don’t have to survive a world filled with evil monsters—just people, like us, who make mistakes. Additionally, when you allow a person to be heard—really heard, without judgment or criticism—they find themselves willing to hear others, as well. All it takes to begin resolving a conflict is for one of us to listen openly.)

In contrast, the combative mindset sees others as objects and obstacles in your way. **It’s an...

The Anatomy of Peace Summary Shortform Introduction

In The Anatomy of Peace, the Arbinger Institute offers an outward-focused perspective on interpersonal conflict.

Conflicts, the Institute explains, arise when a lifetime of self-deception—of mentally re-framing events until they justify our actions—leads to a twisted worldview in which we see others as obstacles, rather than people. When we divorce those around us of their personhood, we no longer consider their needs, burdens, hopes, and fears, instead focusing only on our own. The authors argue that this leads to conflicts in which we’re so sure we’re in the right that we refuse to listen or negotiate. Because being mistreated “justifies” mistreating others in return, we behave in ways that incite further mistreatment from those we conflict with.

To resolve our ongoing conflicts and prevent a cycle of increasing hostility, The Anatomy of Peace teaches us to re-examine our perspectives, challenge our biases, and return to seeing others as people. In doing this, we develop a cooperative mindset, enabling us to pursue inclusive, unifying solutions and to encourage those around us to follow suit.

About the Author

**The Arbinger Institute is a leadership training and...

The Anatomy of Peace Summary Part 1: What Is Conflict and Why Does It Matter?

The Arbinger Institute notes that we all struggle with conflicts, both on a smaller scale—in our businesses and families—and on a grand scale—politically and intergovernmentally. Often, the Institute says, we find that conflicts grow out of our control and sometimes spread so far outside of ourselves and our opponents that they drag in everyone around us. Therefore, as the world grows more complex and connected, it becomes increasingly important to know how to manage conflict well. Despite the need, we rarely see it handled equitably, considerately, and proactively.

(Shortform note: Even when an accord is met, conflicts often reignite; there’s evidence that over a third of the ceasefires and peace agreements made since the 1950s have fallen apart within five years.)

In this chapter, we’ll identify what Arbinger says our goal should be in a conflict, examine what it argues is wrong with our approach, and highlight what it recommends we focus on in seeking to improve our methods.

The Problem of Conflict

Arbinger tells us that being able to manage conflict efficiently and effectively is critical. Very quickly, a conflict begins to...

The Anatomy of Peace Summary Part 2: The Mechanics of the Combative Mindset

You can be right in principle, the Institute says, but if your mindset is wrong, it doesn’t practically matter that your position is technically correct. Arbinger notes that while there may be a lot we disagree with others about, the way we disagree affects how we see each other going forward. In this part, we’ll examine how the combative mindset causes failures in our approach and behavior in conflict. Specifically, we’ll address three elements of the combative mindset: collusion, self-betrayal, and justification.

Collusion

As we’ve noted, when we embody the combative mindset, we see others as objects and obstacles rather than people. We ignore their needs, circumstances, and feelings, and approach them dishonestly, focusing only on what we want from them. The result is that we constantly treat the other party as if they were less than human and are shocked and offended when they respond in kind. The Arbinger Institute calls this mutual mistreatment-and-response cycle “collusion.”

• When we collude, we jointly create a problem that’s bigger than it should be, to share our anger and frustration in a way that hurts our enemy just like they’re hurting us. We...

The Anatomy of Peace Summary Part 3: Escape Bias

Now that we’ve seen how we adopt biases and make conflict worse, Part 3 will explore how to recognize when we’re biased, how to remove that bias, and how to cultivate a cooperative mindset. According to Arbinger, this is a key component in escaping the combative mindset and learning to approach conflict from a healthier direction.

Address the Problem: Embody the Cooperative Mindset

The following four-step process is the core of the cooperative mindset. Arbinger recommends you repeat it as necessary:

1. Notice you’re biased.
2. Remove the bias.
3. Rethink the situation from your unbiased perspective.
4. Act on the resulting desire and sense of what you should do.

Let’s examine that process in a little more detail, and try it out.

1. Notice You’re Biased

Arbinger explains that if you find yourself blaming others, justifying your behaviors, making the world or the people around you look horrible, or feeling any of the emotions associated with each of the Four Biases, you can recognize that you’re biased.

This is a good time to put the principles to work. At the end of Part 3, you’ll find an exercise under the heading “Identify Your Bias.” Use...

Shortform Exercise: Identify Your Bias

Use this exercise to identify one of your biases. This is the first step; once you’ve found the bias, you’ll be ready to remove it.

Think of a conflict you’ve recently had with another person. How did you blame them, another person, or outside circumstances for the cause or outcome of that conflict?

Shortform Exercise: Remove the Bias and Rethink the Situation

Revisit the situation you described in the previous exercise. What follows are the second and third steps at the core of the cooperative mindset: Remove the bias, and rethink the situation. Repeat this process whenever you find yourself holding a bias, or in a conflict; it’ll help you to maintain a cooperative mindset, and prime your conscience to give you an actionable push.

Think about a person you’re not biased against, and write down their name. Describe an experience you shared with that person where you felt he or she acknowledged and respected your needs and the weight you were carrying.

The Anatomy of Peace Summary Part 4: How to Replace Conflict With Cooperation

The Institute asserts that once you’re able to embody the cooperative mindset by removing your biases, focusing on seeing others as people, and acting according to your conscience, you can have a powerful impact on others.

It may seem at times that there’s not a lot one person can do, but, as we’ll see in this chapter, when you embody the cooperative mindset you become a voice that helps things go better instead of making them worse. That can go a long way. After all, if one party in a conflict is trying to help things go right, that’s already a big improvement over a cycle of collusion.

In Part 4, we’ll first discuss how to encourage others to leave their biases behind and embody the cooperative mindset. Then, we’ll address the requirements for asking others to change and explore a long-term cooperative strategy.

How to Help Others Remove Their Bias

First, we’ll talk about what it takes to help others eliminate their biases. While tempting, Arbinger emphasizes that it’s not helpful to tell others they’re biased. If you do try that and they reject the accusation, it’s not helpful to punish them or withhold privileges. In both of these cases, we’re ascribing...