Book SummaryThanks for the Feedback, by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Thanks for the Feedback

It can be hard to hear feedback, and consequently, there’s often a disconnect between a feedback-giver and a feedback-receiver: When a person receives feedback, she feels it’s unfair or untrue. But when she gives feedback, she feels the other person isn’t properly listening or understanding it.

To reconcile this disconnect, organizations and self-help books often focus on teaching how to give feedback better. The key, though, is learning how to receive it better. After all, it is the receiver who controls whether or not feedback is understood, accepted, and adopted.

In Thanks For the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, two of the co-authors of the bestseller Difficult Conversations, walk us through how to be a better receiver of feedback, examining what feedback is and how it works, how we typically react (and why), and specific techniques to successfully discuss feedback and then incorporate it into our lives. (Shortform note: To learn how to master hard conversations at work and at home, read our summary of Difficult Conversations.)

What Is Feedback?

Feedback tells you how other people see you. People who consistently take feedback better are more successful in their lives and work. Being open to feedback allows for learning and growth. Being resistant to it allows problems to fester and escalate, and can ultimately destroy relationships.

There are three types of feedback:

1. Evaluation is assessment. It tells you where you stand in relation to expectations and to other people. It aligns expectations between two people and clarifies consequences.
2. Coaching is advice. It is feedback aimed at helping you improve, learn, grow, or change, either to meet new challenges or to correct an existing problem.
3. Appreciation is recognition, motivation, and thanks. It lets you know that your efforts are noticed, making you feel worthwhile.

It’s important when seeking feedback that you are clear about what you’re looking for: evaluation, coaching, or appreciation. This will prevent confusion or frustration if you receive a different type of feedback than you’re expecting.

Understanding Triggers and Our Reactions

The primary difficulty when we receive feedback is that it triggers emotional responses that cloud our judgment and prevent us from properly comprehending the feedback. Understanding what sets you off and how your own particular wiring affects your reactions can help you get control over those reactions.

Our Instinctive Reactions

Your instinctive reaction to feedback involves three variables:

1. Your baseline: your default emotional state. Some people are more naturally optimistic, others have more general anxiety.
2. Your swing: the amount you move off your baseline when you receive feedback. Some people react more strongly than others to either positive or negative feedback.
3. Your recovery: the duration of your reaction. Some people bounce back from setbacks faster than others. Some people maintain a positive boost for longer.

These three elements are heavily influenced by our emotions, which are often set off by certain triggers activated by feedback. Gaining control of your emotions involves fully understanding the triggers that produce them.

Three Triggers

“Triggers” are instinctive and usually negative knee-jerk responses that cause us to dismiss feedback or get angry about it. Triggers fall into three general categories:

1. Truth triggers are our emotional responses to feedback we feel is wrong, unhelpful, or unfair.
2. Relationship triggers are our emotional responses to the person giving the feedback more than the content of the feedback itself.
3. Identity triggers happen when feedback threatens our sense of who we are.

Let’s explore each trigger in more detail.

Understanding Truth Triggers

When our truth trigger is activated, we object to the content of feedback, labeling it wrong, unhelpful, or unfair. To counter this instinct, fully examine the feedback so that you can properly decipher the “truth” of it.

Feedback Has Two Elements

Feedback generally has two elements: an element that looks back (“Here’s what I noticed”) and an element that looks forward (“Here’s what you should do”). The “looking back” piece is made up of observations and interpretations of those observations—how a person feels about them. The “looking forward” piece of feedback is about next steps: advice, consequences, and expectations.

To find common ground, recognize that different people have different “truths”: Your views on another person are subjective, your interpretations are not necessarily more correct than other peoples’, and your judgment of how to correct problems might differ.

Controlling Truth Triggers

Understanding feedback involves examining not only the other person’s thoughts and feelings, but also your own. There are two key strategies: finding your blind spots and looking for differences instead of “wrongs.”

Strategy 1: Find Your Blind Spots and Tells

A “blind spot” is something we ignore or attribute little importance to but that other people see clearly. When people give us feedback about a trait we’re blind to, we dismiss it as untrue. Recognizing our blind spots can prevent this. There are different categories of blind spots:

• Emotional distortion: Our emotional reaction to a situation usually seems much more intense to the person on the receiving end than it seems to the person giving the feedback.
• Behavioral patterns: A person often engages patterns of behavior that she herself is unaware of but others around her see clearly.
• Character versus circumstance: When we run into difficulty, we tend to attribute it to the circumstances around us, but other people might blame it on our character.
• Impact versus intent: We judge ourselves by our...

Thanks for the Feedback Summary Introduction and Chapter 1: Feedback Overview

Feedback is any information you receive about yourself. It’s how you’re ranked, thanked, described, and advised. It can be formal or informal, direct or implicit: performance reviews or restaurant reviews, a second purchase from a new client, or the way a friend quietly doesn’t finish the appetizer you brought.

Feedback can be difficult to hear because it lives at the intersection of two basic human needs: our yearning for acceptance and our desire to learn. There’s a tension inherent between these two drives. We want to learn about ourselves so we can improve, but we also want to be accepted for who we are. Managing that tension well is the key to accepting feedback properly.

In Thanks For the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, two of the co-authors of the bestseller Difficult Conversations, walk you through how to become a better receiver of feedback, examining what feedback is and how it works, how we typically react, triggers that cause us to react badly, and specific techniques you can use to successfully discuss feedback and then incorporate it into your life. (Shortform note: to learn how to master hard conversations at work and at home, [read our summary of...

Shortform Exercise: Identify Feedback

There are three kinds of feedback: evaluation (“Here’s where you stand”), coaching (“Here’s what you should do”), and appreciation (“Great job!”). These three types of feedback are best approached separately but are often not. Practice being aware of each and separating them yourself so you can better manage the conversation.

Think back to your last conflict with a friend, loved one, or colleague. What pieces of his or her feedback were evaluation?

Shortform Exercise: Examine Your Temperament

Your temperament is a combination of your baseline emotional state, your typical emotional swing in response to events, and the speed of your return to your baseline.

Examine your own baseline. Are you generally upbeat or anxious? Is your mood overall positive or apprehensive?

Thanks for the Feedback Summary Chapters 2-4: Understanding Truth Triggers

When our truth trigger is activated, we object to the content of the feedback, labeling it wrong, unhelpful, or unfair.

To counter this instinct, you must fully examine the two elements of feedback—where the feedback is coming from and where it’s going—and identify unhelpful and vague labels that prevent you from properly comprehending it.

Feedback Has Two Elements

Feedback has two elements: an element that looks back (“Here’s what I noticed”) and an element that looks forward (“Here’s what you should do”). When the receiver of feedback does not properly understand exactly what experiences, values, and biases are producing the feedback, or what its explicit goal is, she tends to dismiss it as “untrue.”

Where the Feedback Is Coming From

The first part of feedback, the looking-back piece, is made up of a combination of data and interpretation of that data.

Data

Feedback begins with data—observations that a person makes about you. Observations can be about anything, including your actions, statements, clothing, work habits, or even rumors about you. Though “data” sounds objective, observations are quite subjective. **Different people pay attention to...

Shortform Exercise: Examine Your Assumptions

Each of us approaches life with an assumption of a basic set of rules—a set of standards and operating principles that govern our behavior. We may think of these as “the” rules but in reality they are really only “our” rules.

Think of the last time you felt “wronged” by feedback (maybe your boss told you you were too passive or your partner told you you weren’t considerate). What set of rules—values, assumptions, and habits of behavior—did he or she base this feedback on?

Shortform Exercise: Identify Labels

Labels are shorthand for feedback. They are usually pithy phrases that sum up a person’s thoughts but are vague and open to interpretation (and misinterpretation): “Be a team player”; “Act your age”; “You’re not his mother.”

Think back to your last performance evaluation or feedback conversation. What labels were used to convey that feedback?

Thanks for the Feedback Summary Chapters 5-6: Understanding Relationship Triggers

Now that you have a better understanding of truth triggers, we’ll examine relationship triggers, which have to do more with the person giving the feedback than the feedback itself.

Sometimes we react to feedback not because of the content of the feedback itself, but because of who gave it to us. The way to manage relationship triggers is to disentangle the feedback from the person giving it and examine each separately. Relationship triggers are typically caused by one of two dynamics: how we feel about the other person, and how we are treated by them.

Relationship Trigger #1: Our Opinion of Them

If we receive feedback from a person we admire greatly, we tend to accept her insight without reservation. When receiving feedback from most people, though, we are quick to look for something that disqualifies them from giving it. These are commonly:

• The giver’s skill or judgment (did they give the feedback in the right place, or in the right format?)
• Her credibility (does she even know what she’s talking about?)
• Her trustworthiness

Skill or Judgment: Do They Give the Feedback Properly?

If a person gives feedback in an inappropriate way, at an...

Shortform Exercise: Identify Switchtracking

In switchtracking, a conversation splits and starts following two entirely different tracks. One person offers feedback and the other person responds with reciprocal feedback, usually more aimed at the other person personally rather than the issue. The conversation then follows two paths and the people involved often don’t realize it.

Think back to your last argument. Try to remember any switchtracking that went on. Did you respond to the other person’s input with a different topic? Did that person do it to you?

Shortform Exercise: Examine Intersections

Intersections are where differences in opinions, values, and habits clash, when they were not a problem on their own. Roles can create adversity between two people who otherwise would not conflict, simply because of the responsibilities that come along with that role. Examine both intersections and roles to see the bigger picture of a conflict.

Think of a time when your habits, opinions, or values suddenly became a problem when you started interacting with someone new, when none of those things had been problems on their own. What differences caused these conflicts?

Thanks for the Feedback Summary Chapters 7-9: Understand Identity Triggers

When feedback is threatening because it challenges who you feel you are, you’ve run into an identity trigger.

Identity Is Our Self-Story

Your identity is the story you tell yourself about yourself: what you’re good at, what you stand for, what you’re like. (“I am a fair parent”; “I am level-headed”; “I work hard.”)

When feedback challenges this story, your sense of identity can start to collapse. This can happen through feedback both large and small. Something large might be not making tenure and then questioning if you’re the smart, popular professor you thought you were; something small may be no one eating your quiche, making you question how good a cook you are. You can even be triggered by feedback that isn’t directly about you, but is instead about someone close to you. Because your identity is formed in part by comparison to others, the success of your peers—a childhood friend being elected to Congress or a high-school ex taking over a large company—can reflect on your own.

Controlling Identity Triggers

Your ability to absorb difficult feedback is controlled by the identity story you tell yourself: who you are and where you are headed. To create an identity...

Shortform Exercise: Examine Emotional Reactions Thoughtfully

When we are in a negative frame of mind, we can lose perspective and imagine the worst of every piece of feedback we receive, linking it to every similar incident from the past and exaggerating and distorting any possible consequences.

What’s a negative piece of feedback that you’ve received—maybe an employee evaluation or an overheard comment from a friend—that made you exaggerate the enormity of the situation? Did it make you remember every similar incident from the past? Did it make you think everyone felt this way about you?

Thanks for the Feedback Summary Chapters 10-11: Anatomy of the Conversation

We’ve discussed many techniques and concepts related to receiving feedback in general. We’ll now look at specifics of how to have a feedback conversation: the general arc of the conversation and major elements you need to touch upon to be successful. Broadly speaking, feedback conversations have three parts:

1. The open: where you get aligned with the other person
2. The body: where you’ll discuss the content of the feedback
3. The close: where you’ll clarify commitments, expectations, and follow-up

Each plays an important part in properly connecting the speaker to the listener and vice versa. We’ve discussed many of these points in more detail already, so here we’re just going to touch on them once again briefly in the context of how and when you can use these techniques in your discussions.

The Open

When you receive feedback, whether it’s a formal evaluation or a more off-hand comment, open your discussion with the other person by getting aligned.

Opening Questions and Tone

The opening is where you’ll get aligned with the other person as to the purpose and tone of the conversation. Ask yourself some questions to get on the same page as your...

Shortform Exercise: Examine the Open, Body, and Close

The opening of the conversation is where you’ll get aligned with the other person on the purpose and tone of the conversation. The body is where you’ll discuss the content of the feedback. The closing is where you’ll clarify next steps and expectations.

Think of the last time you were approached with feedback by someone in either your professional or personal life. Come up with two or three questions that you could have asked yourself or the other person that would have helped you both align your expectations for the discussion.

Thanks for the Feedback Summary Chapters 12-13: Incorporating Feedback

At this point, you’ve gotten a handle on how to understand feedback, respond to it, and have a feedback conversation. We’ll now look at the next steps: what you do with that feedback and how you can incorporate it into your life individually and your organization.

Incorporating Feedback at an Individual Level

There are five techniques that can help you incorporate feedback into your life:

1. Focus on one thing.
2. Look for appropriate options.
3. Test with small experiments.
4. Get properly motivated.
5. Make the other person feel included.

1. Focus on One Thing

Sometimes feedback has several strands and encompasses a wide area. Often it is vague. Get a handle on it by approaching just one specific aspect of it first.

• Take it step-by-step: Instead of asking, “Can I get some feedback?” ask, “What’s one thing you see me doing that I can improve?” or “What am I not doing that I should be?”
• Look for themes: Ask several people the “one thing” question to get a fuller picture. Then look for themes and commonalities among that feedback you receive. If your feedback is, for example, related to a performance review, seek out two or three...

Shortform Exercise: Test Out Advice

When faced with the need to make changes, you may not be sure how to get started. Running small experiments is a great way to try out advice before making a full commitment.

What’s a piece of advice that you’ve received that felt too big to take on? Write down a few small ways you might test it out instead, before taking the plunge into a full commitment.

Shortform Exercise: Discuss Your System Thoroughly

When rolling out a new performance evaluation system, you should promote its benefits but also address its tradeoffs. Address five points:

1. The goals of the system
2. The reason this system was chosen over others
3. The potential costs as well as benefits
4. The consequences of half-hearted participation
5. An invitation for further discussion and feedback

Examine the five points listed above and think through how you might explain your particular system to your employees. What are the goals of your system?