Book SummarySet Boundaries, Find Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Set Boundaries, Find Peace aims to empower you to improve your relationships by learning to set boundaries, which are standards for how you’d like to be treated. The author, Nedra Glover Tawwab, is a practicing clinical therapist and social worker who is well known for using her Instagram page to bring awareness to mental health topics.

In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, published in 2021, Tawwab argues that** in order to maintain healthy relationships, you need to understand, set, and reinforce healthy boundaries in...

Set Boundaries, Find Peace Summary Healthy Boundaries and Unhealthy Boundaries

According to Tawwab, your boundaries are your standards for how you’d like to be treated in your relationships. They can be explicit or implicit. For example, you might explicitly set a boundary with your roommate that you expect them to stay out of your room while you’re on work calls. By contrast, you might implicitly expect your roommate to not take money from your wallet without asking. As Tawwab notes, our tendency to be either explicit or implicit about our boundaries is shaped by our childhood relationships with our parents. If your parents had many unspoken rules and expectations, then you’ll tend to have implicit boundaries, whereas if your parents clearly expressed their rules, you’ll be more likely to have explicit boundaries.

(Shortform note: It’s especially important to understand your own explicit and implicit boundaries when it comes to sexual relationships. As experts note, when a sexual partner makes you feel uncomfortable, but hasn’t violated any of your explicit boundaries, it may be because they have violated an implicit boundary. When something like this happens,...

Set Boundaries, Find Peace Summary How to Set Boundaries

Now that we know what healthy boundaries look like, let’s focus on how to set healthy boundaries. According to Tawwab, setting boundaries is a three-step process. First, identify the boundaries you’d like to set. Second, clearly communicate those boundaries. Finally, take action to reinforce your boundaries.

(Shortform note: In addition to Tawwab’s three steps, some authors include a fourth step: taking time to care for yourself after setting your boundaries. As we’ll soon discuss, Tawwab also recommends taking time out after difficult conversations, but some psychologists feel that rest is so crucial to maintaining healthy boundaries that it should be considered a separate stage of the process.)

Step 1: Identify Your Boundaries

As Tawwab describes, before you can communicate your boundaries to others, you’ll need to identify the boundaries you’d like to set. There are two categories of boundaries you’ll want to consider: personal boundaries and social boundaries.

According to Tawwab, your personal boundaries are your standards for how people should treat your physical body. Personal boundaries specify...

Set Boundaries, Find Peace Summary Common Problem Areas for Boundary-Setting

Now that we know how to identify and set boundaries, let’s look at some specific contexts that can make boundary-setting more difficult. Specifically, Tawwab notes that it’s common to struggle with setting boundaries with loved ones and at work. We’ll look into both of these situations below and provide strategies to help you set boundaries in these complicated contexts.

(Shortform note: Tawwab offers recommendations for setting boundaries with loved ones and at work, but sometimes you may encounter someone who makes boundary-setting difficult outside of those contexts. When communicating boundaries with a difficult person, experts recommend focusing on yourself and your personal limits, and not on the other person. When you focus on yourself in the conversation, the other person is less likely to feel confronted. In turn, they’ll be more receptive than if you begin the conversation by criticizing their behavior.)

Setting Boundaries With Loved Ones

According to Tawwab, it’s normal to experience difficulty setting boundaries with your loved...

Set Boundaries, Find Peace Summary Boundary Violations

Now that we know how to set healthy boundaries in a variety of contexts, let’s consider what happens when others violate our boundaries.

According to Tawwab, boundary violations often happen as a natural part of the boundary-setting process. Even the most respectful people will take a little time to adjust to new boundaries in a relationship, and in the meantime, they’ll likely slip up and default to old behaviors. While this adjustment period can be painful, violations that occur during this process provide you with an opportunity to reinforce your boundaries, thereby strengthening your relationships in the long run.

(Shortform note: It’s important to recognize the distinction between boundary violations that occur naturally as part of an adjustment process, and violations that occur because the other person doesn’t respect your boundaries. When someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they’ll bring the subject up again and again, questioning and arguing about your needs. On the other hand, when someone simply slips up, they’ll tend to react more apologetically, recognizing their own...

Shortform Exercise: Practice Identifying, Setting, and Reinforcing Boundaries

Learn to set healthy boundaries in your relationships.

Think of a recent situation where the way someone else treated you made you feel uncomfortable. Reflect on what specific actions made you feel uncomfortable and how you’d like to be treated differently in the future. Express this boundary below, in the form of a statement to the person who made you uncomfortable. For example: “I’d prefer that you refer to me by my first name, instead of using embarrassing nicknames.”