Book SummarySelf-Compassion, by Kristin Neff

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Self-Compassion

In Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff argues that when you respond to your failings and pain with kindness and comfort, you can manage the most challenging situations life throws at you. This entails understanding that you—like all people—make mistakes and suffer, are intrinsically worthy of care and comfort, and are connected to others through your suffering. These practices allow you to see beyond your immediate misery or crisis and recognize that others suffer, just as you do, and they make you less likely to feel isolated and get stuck in a negative space. (Neff doesn’t explicitly define “suffering,” but uses the word to describe emotional pain associated with being imperfect, making mistakes, failing, and criticizing and judging yourself for those things.)

(Shortform note: Psychotherapists both agree with and dissent slightly from Neff’s argument, saying that wallowing in your self-pity can be a positive thing, making you feel more comfortable around...

Self-Compassion Summary What Is Self-Compassion?

Neff says that self-compassion is a mindset and practice in which you show yourself the same care for your own failures and pain that you’d show someone you care about deeply. Self-compassion centers on three practices:

1. Be kind to yourself when you’re suffering—not critical and judgemental of yourself.
2. Recognize that suffering is a universal human experience that connects you to others.
3. Mindfully acknowledge your suffering as-is. In other words, don’t exaggerate or diminish your pain.

(Shortform note: In The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama offers a more in-depth understanding of the role of suffering in life, arguing that accepting suffering is the first crucial step toward eliminating it. You must confront the hard truth that life is suffering to free yourself from its root causes of ignorance, craving, and hatred. And when you accept that there’s no escape from suffering, you won’t add to your pain by holding onto the delusion that you shouldn’t experience it.)

Neff says that when you...

Self-Compassion Summary The Three Practices of Self-Compassion

Now that you understand what self-compassion is, we’ll look at the three practices that comprise it.

Practice 1: Be Mindful of Your Suffering, As Is

Neff says that seeing your suffering exactly as it is—without amplifying, ignoring, or diminishing it—allows you to respond to your pain compassionately and effectively. She says that suffering is unavoidable, and when you simply acknowledge your pain for what it is—a normal (if undesirable) part of life—you can examine it objectively, soothe yourself, and make decisions from a clear-headed place.

(Shortform note: In The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama says that accepting your suffering for what it is is not the same as resigning to it. When your purpose is to seek happiness, you should try to reduce your suffering, even as you accept it. You should also try to understand where it’s coming from, which may help you to reduce or eliminate it.)

Neff says it can be difficult for people to recognize and acknowledge their suffering because...

Self-Compassion Summary The Benefits of Self-Compassion

You’ve learned about the three practices of self-compassion. Next we’ll explore three of its key benefits.

Benefit 1: Self-Compassion Fosters Motivation

Neff says that the practice of self-compassion increases motivation because it’s rooted in an intrinsic desire to learn, grow, and cultivate a sense of well-being over the long term. As a result, people who practice self-compassion are inclined to consistently act in ways that put them on the path towards health and happiness—for example, by changing bad habits that take them off course from these goals. Being kind to yourself in the face of suffering further supports motivation by enabling you to create a safe, calm, and supportive environment that nurtures confidence, supports risk taking, and enables you to function at your peak.

(Shortform note: Public health experts say that another way to increase your motivation is by practicing gratitude. They argue that your intrinsic motivation may be strengthened through the same part of the brain activated by gratitude. They note that while no studies...

Self-Compassion Summary Obstacles to Self-Compassion

Neff says that despite the importance and benefits of self-compassion, many people spend their lives criticizing and judging themselves. This happens for two key reasons: 1) Cutting ourselves down is part of an evolutionarily-driven comparison game that humans play when they’re on autopilot and 2) children of critical parents often become self-critical adults.

Reason 1: People Are Hardwired to Compare Themselves to Others

Neff says that humans’ default mode of operation is to either puff ourselves up or tear ourselves down because we have a primal need to fit into hierarchical social groups, whichkeep us safe and provide resources like protection and food. We try to gain acceptance into these groups by either showing that we’re successful (likable and worthy of inclusion) or submissive (willing to do whatever it takes to be included). As a result, we constantly compare ourselves to others to demonstrate either our dominance over or willingness to sublimate ourselves to others in the group.

How You Fare When You Compare

[Being curious about how you’re faring relative to others is a natural tendency, according to social comparison...

Self-Compassion Summary Self-Compassion and Relating to Others

You just learned about the barriers to self-compassion. Now we’ll examine how self-compassion can improve your relationships with others by allowing you to change your behavior so you can partner and parent more effectively.

Practice Self-Compassion to Be a Better Partner

Neff says that self-compassion supports your ability to be a better partner in your love relationships by making you self-reliant and able to have healthy conflict with your partner. When you’re able to step back from heated conversations, soothe and validate your own feelings, and assess your situation more rationally, you’re less needy and less of an emotional drain on your partner. Creating space to care for yourself during difficult moments also allows you to gain your composure, which can help you refrain from lashing out, reflect on your own behavior, and apologize when necessary. (Shortform note: While Neff focuses on romantic relationships, much of the discussion applies to any relationship.)

Neff says that to show yourself compassion during challenging moments of your relationship—for example, during a fight with your partner—you should think about what you need in that moment (validation,...

Shortform Exercise: Show Yourself Compassion

Neff says that many people have difficulty showing themselves compassion and say terrible things to themselves that they’d never dream of saying to anyone else. Let’s explore how you might avoid this in the future.

Think of a time recently when you were critical of yourself. What’s one of the worst things you said to yourself in that moment?