Book SummaryPowerful Phrases for Dealing With Difficult People, by Renée Evenson

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Powerful Phrases for Dealing With Difficult People

Is there someone in your life who always pushes your buttons? Someone who makes the simplest interaction feel like pulling teeth? In Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Difficult People, business training consultant Renée Evenson argues that you can reform your relationships with difficult people with the right conversational skills. By mastering the art of effective communication, you can avoid frustrating conflicts, create a more cooperative working environment, and accomplish more in your personal and professional lives.

Evenson is a business training consultant specializing in conflict resolution and customer service. Before becoming a writer, she worked for 15 years at BellSouth Telecommunications (now part of AT&T), where she facilitated customer service for small business accounts and created training materials for employee development. Evenson has written a...

Powerful Phrases for Dealing With Difficult People Summary Why Conflict Resolution Skills Are Necessary

Evenson asserts that conflict is an inevitable part of life. At some point, someone you see regularly is going to get in the habit of doing something you find harmful, annoying, or unproductive, and you’re going to want them to stop. This is particularly common at work: Whereas you can choose your friends, you don’t choose your co-workers. You’re stuck with whoever’s there.

According to Evenson, mature conflict resolution is necessary to maintain collaborative relationships. When two people openly discuss a conflict in a way that demonstrates mutual respect, it helps them realize they can trust each other to help meet each other’s needs. In this way, conflicts can leave relationships stronger than before.

The skills required to responsibly resolve conflicts and maintain productive working relationships are rare, so they’re a great way to distinguish yourself as a uniquely valuable employee. Evenson points out that employees with excellent interpersonal skills are often promoted over those who may have superior technical knowledge or job-specific skills.

(Shortform note: Other experts agree that managers [often promote people with strong interpersonal skills rather than...

Powerful Phrases for Dealing With Difficult People Summary Stage #1: Plan How You’ll Resolve the Conflict

Evenson explains that conflicts of any kind are often emotionally charged—it's natural to feel hurt, angry, or defensive if you believe someone has wronged you. However, if you confront the other person while strongly feeling these emotions, you’re likely to escalate the situation, triggering intense emotional reactions. Thus, the two of you will be less likely to cooperate and look for a mutually satisfying resolution.

Instead, when you first realize that conflict resolution is necessary, take some time to calm down, analyze the situation rationally, and make a plan before talking to the other person.

Calm Down and Plan, Even If You’re in a Good Mood

Everson warns that initiating conflict resolution while in a bad mood will escalate the conflict. However, in some cases, it can also be harmful to start conflict resolution if you’re in too good of a mood. Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves note in Emotional Intelligence 2.0 that when in a great mood, [you’re more prone to making hasty decisions without thinking them...

Powerful Phrases for Dealing With Difficult People Summary Stage #2: Establish Mutual Empathy

When you initiate conflict resolution, try to establish an empathetic connection as soon as possible. Evenson argues that to have a productive discussion, you need to understand how the other person sees the conflict and get them to understand how you see it.

The key is to avoid making the other person feel defensive: If someone feels like you’re attacking, accusing, or blaming them, they’ll focus on protecting themselves by trying to “win” the fight. They’ll attack, accuse, and blame you instead of working toward a solution.

Why People Make Others Defensive

In The Anatomy of Peace, the Arbinger Institute agrees that mutual empathy is the cornerstone of conflict resolution, and they elaborate as to why so many people ignore this fact and adopt a combative mindset instead. After people do something that goes against someone else’s best interests, they often justify it by adopting beliefs about themselves and others that prove their hurtful actions were necessary. These beliefs then encourage them to attack, accuse, and blame...

Powerful Phrases for Dealing With Difficult People Summary Stage #3: Clarify the Issue at Hand

According to Evenson, once you clearly understand both sides of the conflict, it’s time to clarify the issue at the heart of the conflict. It’s impossible to brainstorm solutions until you agree on what you’re trying to resolve. To do this, restate the issue from your point of view and ask the other person to do the same. If you’re not on the same page, return to Stage #2 and ask questions to better understand their perspective.

For example, imagine you’re a manager who’s recently equipped your team with a new project management software. However, one of your workers repeatedly fails to update the status of their tasks on this software. You tell them that you assume the issue is that they don’t have the time to learn the software. However, the worker explains that they think the real issue is that the spreadsheet-based system the team used before was more effective than this new software. Thus, you realize there’s a gap in your understanding and return to Stage #2, asking why the worker believes the old system was better.

Beware of Different Interpretations of the Same Events

Clarifying the issue at hand is important because it’s easy for two people to arrive at...

Powerful Phrases for Dealing With Difficult People Summary Stage #4: Suggest a Potential Fix

Evenson explains that after you’ve agreed on the precise issue you need to resolve, it’s time to suggest a potential fix and encourage the other person to do the same. The goal of this stage is to arrive at a solution collaboratively: Suggest the best possible solution you can think of, then actively listen to the other person's input. When they propose a solution, evaluate it objectively and with an open mind.

At this stage, it’s especially important to emphasize your desire for compromise to the other person. If they ever try to blame you or argue about who’s right or wrong, remind them that you just want to find a solution you can both agree on. Hopefully, this will keep the discussion on track. According to Evenson, any solution you propose that clearly takes the other person’s needs into account will make them less likely to get defensive or uncooperative.

Look for Creative Win-Win Solutions

Some people...

Powerful Phrases for Dealing With Difficult People Summary Stage #5: Make a Final Decision

Evenson states that after both sides have proposed potential fixes, the last thing to do is definitively decide how to resolve the issue. Ideally, someone will propose a solution that both parties gladly accept, ending the conflict.

Let’s discuss two important steps of ending a conflict: Confirming a decision and affirming the relationship. Additionally, we’ll discuss what to do if it’s impossible to agree on a solution.

Confirm Your Decision

Evenson suggests that once you’ve identified a solution that makes both of you happy, repeat it to ensure the other person fully understands and accepts it. For instance, say something like, “Great. I’ll stop emailing you asking for updates if you meet with me every Monday to review your team’s progress.” This added clarity helps prevent misunderstandings and future conflicts.

(Shortform note: A common piece of advice in business management is that if you want your employees to remember and act on important information, you should repeat it as much as you can, in different forms. This approach may be helpful after conflict resolution, too: Instead of...

Shortform Exercise: Reflect on a Difficult Relationship

Identify a challenging relationship in your life and brainstorm ways to improve your interactions with that person using Evenson’s conflict resolution strategies.

Think of someone in your life whom you often experience conflict with. Briefly describe your relationship and some of the typical issues that arise between you two.