Book SummaryNo More Mr. Nice Guy, by Robert Glover

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of No More Mr. Nice Guy

Do you pride yourself on being the nicest guy in the world? Does your fear of disapproval lead you to people-please, avoid conflict, and repress parts of yourself? If this sounds like you, you might be what Dr. Robert Glover calls a Nice Guy. Released in 2003, No More Mr. Nice Guy (referred to throughout this guide as NMMNG) by marriage and family psychotherapist Dr. Robert Glover helps you understand and conquer the frustrating—and often manipulative—Nice Guy mindset so that you can become what Glover calls a fully realized and self-accepting “Integrated Male” (who we’ll call the “Ideal Man” for simplicity).

The Nice Guy and His Origins

In the face of struggle, dissatisfied men use the tactic they know best: Be nice. However, according to Glover, “being nice” rarely yields the desired outcome, and Nice Guys’ insecurities frequently emerge as passive-aggressive or dishonest behavior. Their repetitive, ineffective approach to life leads to unsatisfying intimate relationships, bitterness, and disappointment. We’ll explore the intricacies of Nice Guy behavior, and its consequences, later in this guide.

So, how can Nice Guys improve their lives? According to Glover, the key is to become an Ideal Man. The Ideal Man is—above all—self-accepting. Unlike the Nice Guy, he’s secure in his self-image, masculinity, and sexuality. This allows him to live the life he wants.

The Ideal Man and The Superior Man

Within the online manosphere, two texts pop up again and again as required reading for men seeking to improve themselves by fully embracing themselves and their masculinity: NMMNG and David Deida’s 1997 The Way of the Superior Man. Both authors end up at similar conclusions: To be a real man, you must wholeheartedly accept yourself as you are.

The Superior Man shares many traits with the Ideal Man, such as the ability to face his fears, release shame and self-doubt, and accept life’s challenges as opportunities for growth. However, Deida’s male archetype differs slightly from Glover’s in his spiritual connection to the world at large. For example, Deida believes the Superior Man is in touch with both masculine and feminine energy—within himself, in those around him, and in the push and pull of the universe. He also notes that the Superior Man knows how to be present and approach every situation with an open and loving heart.

While NMMNG never implies these traits are not part of the Ideal Man, the spiritual aspects of Deida’s Superior Man aren’t a focus for the psychoanalytical Glover.

When Nice Guys Aren’t So Nice

Glover stresses that in their frustration with life, Nice Guys are often far from nice. Their indirect and avoidant nature results in an angry cycle of self-victimization:

Nice Guy does something to appear nice → He stews in silent resentment when things don’t go his way → Unable to contain his anger any longer, he lashes out

Overall, this cycle of repression, self-pity, and fear brings out Nice Guys’ undesirable characteristics, such as dishonesty and manipulation.

(Shortform note: Psychoanalyst Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries presents a similar cycle when discussing victimhood, or the “victim mentality.” Just as a Nice Guy believes he must people-please to get what he wants out of life, de Vries’s victim stage is defined by a belief that all control over your life rests in the hands of external forces. And like a Nice Guy’s eventual angry outbursts, his victimizer stage sees the “victim’s” feelings of powerlessness turn into rage. However, unlike Glover, de Vries adds a final rescuer stage in which the “victim” decides to “rescue” others in an attempt to fix everyone’s problems except their own. When someone tries to help them in return, they invent reasons to resist it to maintain their status as a victim.)

The Nice Guy Mindset

According to Glover, the Nice Guy’s misguided actions are driven by the following mindset:

Conceal your true self → Be who others want you to be → Have a perfect, fulfilling life

Where does this inaccurate life approach come from? Glover says it stems from a boy learning—explicitly or implicitly from his parents—that he must be “good” to be loved. This belief is the result of a vicious sequence of abandonment, shame, and self-doubt:

Abandonment: Glover begins with the fact that a child is completely dependent on his parents. This—along with the childish belief that the world revolves around him—causes the boy to interpret all forms of inattention or neglect as abandonment, which he fears and blames himself for.

Childhood Abandonment and Insecure Attachment

Is childhood abandonment a crucial factor in Nice Guys' later development of unhealthy relationships with others? Psychological research on childhood attachment may suggest so.

According to attachment theory in developmental psychology, children form either a secure or insecure “attachment style”—or behaviors as they relate to our emotional bonds—based on parent-child interactions. The theory also asserts that we carry these attachment styles into our adult relationships....

No More Mr. Nice Guy Summary Shortform Introduction

Do you pride yourself on being the nicest guy in the world? Does your fear of disapproval lead you to people-please, avoid conflict, and repress parts of yourself? If this sounds like you, you might be what Dr. Robert Glover calls a Nice Guy.

Throughout his time as a marriage and family psychotherapist, Dr. Glover noticed a trend among dissatisfied men: Although they consider themselves kind, generous people, they fail to see their efforts turn into a fulfilling life. In the face of struggle, these men use the tactic they know best: Be nice. However, according to Glover, “being nice” rarely yields the desired outcome and Nice Guys’ insecurities frequently emerge as passive-aggressive or dishonest behavior. Their repetitive, ineffective approach to life leads to unsatisfying intimate relationships, bitterness, and disappointment.

In No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life (referred to throughout this guide as NMMNG), Glover guides you through understanding and overcoming the Nice Guy mindset so that you can become what Glover calls a fully realized and self-accepting “Integrated Male” (who we will from here on out...

No More Mr. Nice Guy Summary Part 1: What Is a Nice Guy? | Introduction, Chapter 1

This first section of the guide defines both Nice Guys and the Ideal Man. We’ll also examine the ways Nice Guys aren’t actually nice.

The Nice Guy vs. The Ideal Man

Overall, the main distinction between the Nice Guy and the Ideal Man is self-acceptance. Glover notes that while the Ideal Man is secure in his self-image, masculinity, and sexuality, the Nice Guy represses his true self (including his masculinity and sexuality).

Glover further defines these types of men via the following traits:

...

No More Mr. Nice Guy Summary Part 2: What Causes Men to Be Nice Guys? | Chapter 2

According to Glover, becoming an Ideal Man requires a serious shift in thinking. Before we can understand how to overcome the Nice Guy mindset, we must first examine how such a mindset forms.

This chapter will define the Nice Guy “paradigm” before diving into how this mindset is developed in childhood.

The Nice Guy Paradigm

Paradigms are the models through which we approach the world, but we’re rarely aware of their influence.

We process our experiences through established paradigms. Glover reminds us that this means we’re more likely to accept information that aligns with a set paradigm and reject or ignore information that challenges it. As our experiences reinforce our paradigms, they become more difficult to change because they appear infallible.

(Shortform note: This tendency is also known as confirmation bias: seeking and prioritizing information that fits our prior assumptions. In his book The Black Swan, Nassim Nicholas Taleb discusses how to combat this bias with negative empiricism. [By deliberately searching for evidence that contradicts our beliefs, we can come to more objective...

Shortform Exercise: Connect Your Past and Present

Reflect on your childhood to understand the development of your paradigms (or self-limiting beliefs) and coping mechanisms.

Describe a time in your childhood when you felt neglected or ashamed of yourself (either during a general period or specific incident). What messages about the "right" way to feel or behave may have reinforced your feelings of neglect or shame?

No More Mr. Nice Guy Summary Part 3.1: How Nice Guys Live for Others | Chapters 3-4

Now that you understand Nice Guys, their basic traits, and the formation of their self-limiting beliefs, the remaining sections of this guide delve into Glover’s strategies for updating this unproductive mindset and working to become an Ideal Man.

This section will focus on identifying the ways Nice Guys live for others—specifically their people-pleasing and caretaking habits—and how this stops them from living the life they’ve envisioned.

Nice Guys Are Skilled Shape-Shifters

Glover repeatedly states that, operating under the belief that no one will love them as they are, Nice Guys will be just about anyone you want them to be. But their approval-seeking strategies usually leave everyone dissatisfied—themselves included. In order to gain approval and avoid disapproval, shape-shifting Nice Guys depend on external validation and the concealment of their shortcomings and mistakes. Let’s explore these two factors in more detail.

Dependence on External Validation

Nice Guys’ fixation with external validation is best observed in their reliance on both attachments and women’s approval.

Reliance on Attachments

According to Glover, attachments are...

Shortform Exercise: Discover Your Attachments

To stop people-pleasing, you must first identify your approval-seeking habits.

Think about the attachments you use in everyday life to gain external approval. List some of them here. (Remember, this can be something you do to yourself or highlight about yourself—from having a clean car to appearing to be the perfect father.)

Shortform Exercise: Remember You’re Perfectly Imperfect

Sometimes we need a reminder that we’re loved despite our flaws and mistakes.

Think of a situation in which you tried to hide a personal flaw or mistake. What concealment strategies (lying, rationalizing, distracting, and so on) did you use?

No More Mr. Nice Guy Summary Part 3.2: How to Start Living for Yourself | Chapters 3-4

Now that you understand the ways and mechanisms that cause Nice Guys to live for others, let’s focus on how to live for yourself.

We’ll start with how to reach a point of self-acceptance. Then, we’ll focus on the next step: prioritizing yourself so you can take responsibility for your own needs.

Accept Your True Self

The first goal of the Ideal Man is self-approval. This journey begins by looking inward—rather than outward—for approval. Glover notes that to be truly intimate with yourself and others, you must wholeheartedly be yourself.

Here are Glover’s self-acceptance strategies:

Self-Reflection: ID Your Approval-Seeking Habits

Before you can accept yourself, you must look inward and recognize your approval-seeking habits. In order to ID them, ask yourself what you want.

Observe your day-to-day behaviors. Glover suggests you take a minute to acknowledge not only what you do but why you do it, especially in regards to your attachments. Ask yourself:

• “Does this make me happy?”
• “Who am I doing this for?”
• “What do I want? What do I need?”

Ask What, Not Why When Self-Reflecting

The ultimate goal of...

Shortform Exercise: Find Your Safe People

Before committing to change, you need strong foundational support.

Think about the “safe people” (those you wholeheartedly trust) in your life. Which of those people would make the best advocates in your self-improvement journey? Write down the top three who come to mind.

Shortform Exercise: Voice Your Needs

We have to voice our needs if we want them to be met. Swap your covert contracts for direct communication.

Think of a covert contract that exists between you and your significant other. As per this unspoken agreement, what do you give? And what do you expect in return?

No More Mr. Nice Guy Summary Part 4.1: How Nice Guys Deny Their Power | Chapters 5-6

Now that you understand how to live for yourself (and why Nice Guys fail to do this), we’re going to focus on the inherent power Nice Guys deny and Ideal Men embrace.

Before we tackle strategies for empowerment, this section will look at the powerlessness Nice Guys experience when they deny their abilities and masculinity. We’ll also explore some of the societal changes that affected Nice Guys’ perception of other men.

Nice Guys Act Like Wimps in the Face of Adversity

Calling Nice Guys wimps may sound harsh, but Glover acknowledges that’s often how they act when in the throes of the victim mentality. Between this mentality and his unproductive beliefs, a Nice Guy thinks he lacks control in all aspects of his life, which only feeds into his feelings of resentment, frustration, and powerlessness.

Glover adds that Nice Guys have a particularly hard time embracing life’s ups and downs because they believe life can (and should) be straightforward and smooth. (They even fear success because of their perfectionist tendencies and the pressure the spotlight brings.) Ultimately, they set themselves up for disappointment because unpredictability is a fact of life.

...

No More Mr. Nice Guy Summary Part 4.2: How to Reclaim Your Power | Chapters 5-6

As we discussed, Nice Guys tend to view themselves as helpless, isolated victims on life’s roller coaster. But know that if you can take responsibility for your self-worth and your needs, you can take responsibility for your power as well.

This section first covers Glover’s strategies to help you tap into your personal power in the face of uncertainty. Then we’ll show you how to find empowerment in your masculinity so you can take control of your life and set an example for future generations.

Discover Your Personal Power

To break the cycle of self-victimization, Glover says a Nice Guy must change his relationship with fear, uncertainty, and the general “un-smoothness” of life. In the face of unpredictability, he must cultivate his personal power. Glover defines personal power as the ability to handle life's challenges with confidence. It’s not defined by a lack of fear, but a capacity to manage and grow from it.

(Shortform note: When it comes to leadership development, personal power is often discussed in opposition to positional power, which [refers to the power our position holds in a set hierarchy or...

Shortform Exercise: Set Your Boundaries

Practice setting your limits.

Think of a time you said “yes” to something when you wanted to say “no” (other than something you have to do for work, childcare, and so on). What feelings or fears led you to respond this way?

Shortform Exercise: Define Your Masculinity

Before you can reclaim your masculinity, define it for yourself.

What are positive masculine traits in your opinion? What makes a “healthy male” in your eyes?

No More Mr. Nice Guy Summary Part 5.1: Additional Problems for the Nice Guy | Chapters 7-9

In our final part, we’ll address some additional problems and solutions specific to three Nice Guy problem areas: love, career, and sex. This section will further explore some of the unproductive behaviors that affect these parts of a Nice Guy’s life.

(Shortform note: Although Glover discusses a Nice Guy’s love life and career separately, we have chosen to combine these two categories. Why? Glover states that most Nice Guys come to him with complaints about their unsatisfying love life. However, they tend to realize the self-sabotaging behaviors interfering with their intimate relationships are the same ones preventing them from having the type of career or life they really want. Like Glover, we noticed this overlap in what holds a Nice Guy back from a satisfying love life and career, as well as what he can do for similar success in these areas.)

Love and Career

Many of the unproductive beliefs and dysfunctional dynamics we’ve already discussed negatively affect a Nice Guy’s ability to be intimate or take charge of his career. But Glover notes a few more behaviors standing between Nice Guys and success in these two areas:

They Resist the Generosity of...

No More Mr. Nice Guy Summary Part 5.2: Additional Strategies for the Ideal Man | Chapters 7-9

This final section covers Glover’s remaining strategies for loving and living as an Ideal Man.

Love and Career

Many of the strategies discussed throughout this guide—such as practicing self-care, sharing your feelings, and facing your fears—will help you find satisfaction in your love life and career. But Glover has a few more tips to put you on the right path:

Take a New Approach the Next Time Around

When entering into new relationships, Glover has one strategy: Shake things up. Instead of falling back on bad habits (like not setting boundaries) or unproductive mindsets (that your needs don’t matter, for example), start from a place of integrity, self-confidence, and vulnerability from the get-go. This will save you from having to “fix” a relationship that’s gone south (or keep you from entering into a toxic one in the first place).

Starting fresh gives you the unique opportunity to look for a different caliber of partner (one who embodies your values). Glover says if you accept yourself and embrace your power, you’re more likely to seek out (and be sought by) those who exude the same self-confidence and energy as you do.

Just as the unconfident,...

Shortform Exercise: Take a Different Approach

How can you change old habits and tap into your full potential?

Write down one goal you have for your career or life’s passion.

Shortform Exercise: Rules to Live By

How can you start living like an Ideal Man today?

Pick one of the strategies for the Ideal Man throughout the book that resonated with you.