Book SummaryNecessary Endings, by Henry Cloud

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Necessary Endings

Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud is about learning to break free from the relationships and situations that are holding you back. Cloud asserts that many people suffer needlessly in both business and their personal lives because of their inability to exit these types of situations. He argues that by learning to end things, you’ll empower yourself to succeed.

Cloud is a clinical psychologist and best-selling author...

Necessary Endings Summary Learn to Accept Endings

According to Cloud, endings are an inevitable and often beneficial part of life—a crucial part of growth and change. For new, healthy patterns to begin, old, unproductive patterns must end. However, Cloud notes that people often avoid breaking things off because it can be difficult and uncomfortable. In some cases, you might avoid ending a relationship because you’re afraid to hurt the other person, or you may be uncertain about your decision. In other cases, you may not have the needed skills to make the ending happen.

(Shortform note: Psychologists note that many people avoid endings because they fear the uncertainty that comes with change. Research has shown that in general, people fear unpredictable outcomes even more than they fear known negative outcomes. In addition to the factors Cloud lists, the natural tendency to fear uncertainty can also contribute to hesitancy around endings.)

Regardless of the reason for your discomfort, the first step in ending something is getting...

Necessary Endings Summary Determine Where Endings Are Needed

Once you’ve gotten comfortable with endings, it’s time to determine where to implement endings in your life. Cloud offers suggestions for assessing both the difficult situations and relationships in your life.

Assess Difficult Situations

When assessing difficult situations in your life, look out for three types of negative situations: situations that are good but not great, mediocre situations that are unlikely to improve, and lost causes.

End Situations That Are Good but Not Great

Cloud recommends you end situations that are good, but not great. While it may seem counterintuitive to bring an end to a good situation, Cloud argues that you should only make room in your life for the situations that serve you best. When you stay in a situation that’s good but not great, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to do something that’s even better for you.

For example, suppose you’ve spent two years working at a job that you like fairly well. While it’s not in your field of interest, it’s stable, easy, and pays the bills. In other words, the job is good but not great. A great job, for you, would relate more closely to your field, pay better, and challenge you...

Necessary Endings Summary Enact Endings

Once you’ve determined that a change or an ending is needed in a particular situation, create structures that encourage you to act. Then, when it’s time to break things off, prepare carefully for that conversation. Finally, after an ending, take time to grieve, as grieving helps you process the experience and learn from it.

Create Structures That Encourage Action

As you move toward ending a situation or relationship, you’ll want to create structures that keep you engaged in the process. Cloud notes that it’s easy to lose focus when dealing with difficult situations. Because these situations are painful, we naturally want to focus elsewhere, which can lead us to delay making important changes.

To stay focused on the problem situation, regularly schedule time to work on the problem, and set deadlines for taking action. Regularly scheduling time to work on the problem helps you avoid losing focus, and setting deadlines helps ensure that you don’t delay your endings indefinitely.

It can be helpful to bring other people in to hold you accountable to your decisions. Cloud argues that people who aren’t directly involved are less likely to avoid the problem and can help to...

Shortform Exercise: Assess One of Your Relationships

According to Cloud, assessing the character of the people in your life can help you determine how to handle your relationships with them.

Think of a relationship in which you’ve recently felt frustrated. Briefly describe the behavior that has frustrated you. Based on what you know about the other person, sort them into one of Cloud’s three categories—are they responsible, irresponsible, or dangerous?