Book SummaryJust Listen, by Mark Goulston

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Just Listen

If you want someone to buy what you’re selling, or if you’d like to convince conflicting people to cooperate, you first need to influence them to listen to you. The problem is, people are often closed off to conventional methods of persuasion because they’re busy grappling with their own emotions, needs, and goals.

So, rather than pushing the idea you want them to agree with, you should first focus your attention on the other person: Listen to understand their perspective and empathize with their struggles. Once their needs are met, they’ll be more willing to listen to you in return. And from there, you’ll be in a better position to connect with people and change their minds or behavior.

Mark Goulston is a psychiatrist and professor, whose communication experience ranges from breaking...

Just Listen Summary Listening Opens People Up

To help you understand why listening is the most effective way to open people up to your ideas, we’ll start by explaining how this method fulfills the universal desire to be heard.

Listening Fills the Empathy Void in Others

When your thoughts or feelings are heard and appreciated by another person, you feel understood, more relaxed, and grateful to whoever’s connecting with you. These positive feelings encourage you to open up in return.

Goulston argues that empathizing with someone’s thoughts or feelings is impactful because it fills an empathy void that we all experience. He explains that this void exists because we naturally empathize with the world around us and develop expectations that our...

Just Listen Summary Listen to Others to Overcome Their Resistant Emotions

In this section, we’ll discuss how to get through someone’s emotional barrier, which is the first step to connecting with them and opening their mind to your ideas. Goulston says that most people aren’t receptive to outside ideas unless their emotional barriers are broken down. By addressing the emotional burden of the person you’re trying to connect with, you’ll help them clear their mind of immediate stress, which will make them receptive to your ideas.

First, we’ll explain how stress makes people emotional and prevents them from listening to you. Then we’ll discuss why listening causes people to release their resistant emotions. Finally, we’ll describe some techniques to help you listen successfully.

Guide the Brain From Primal To Pragmatic

Understanding how the brain works under stress will help you get your message across to people—even if they’re dreading a looming deadline or bawling over a breakup. To start, we’ll lay out the relevant areas of the brain’s organization. Goulston highlights three parts of the brain:

1. Reptile layer: This is the area of your brain that controls your impulsive, primal stress responses to danger.
2. Mammal layer: This...

Just Listen Summary Listen to Make Others Feel Understood, Interesting, and Valuable

Now that you know how to use listening to penetrate the resistant emotions of others, we’ll talk about how you can make people feel understood, interesting, and valuable. Doing this will push people past the point of listening to considering and acting on your ideas.

First, we’ll talk about why it’s important to understand other perspectives. Next, we’ll discuss how showing interest in others can make people more interested in you. Finally, we’ll explain why making people feel valuable wins them over.

Understand the Other Person’s Perspective

When someone has ideas or emotions that are different from yours, don’t try to criticize their ideas or force your way of thinking on them. This will only motivate them to dig their heels in and solidify their stance. Instead, try to look at the world from the point of view of the person you’re trying to influence and understand why they believe what they do. This will make them feel understood, less alone, and less defensive—and as a result, they’ll be more likely to consider your ideas.

(Shortform note: In Leadership Strategy and Tactics,...

Just Listen Summary Obstacles to Listening Well

Now that you know the basic rules for listening well, we’ll discuss how to approach internal and external challenges that can make listening difficult. By becoming aware of these challenges and preparing for them, you’ll be able to handle them appropriately. First, we’ll explore internal obstacles to listening, such as biases, dissonance, and personal limitations. Then, we’ll talk about how to effectively connect and cooperate with difficult people.

Address Internal Obstacles

First, we’ll discuss how to overcome personal biases by becoming aware of how you judge others and by assuming there’s more to others than you might think. Next, we’ll talk about how cognitive dissonance occurs, why it can disrupt interactions with others, and how to overcome it. Finally, we’ll explain why it’s beneficial to be honest about your weaknesses.

Overcome Personal Biases

Goulston says that whether we like it or not, the things we hear and the judgments we make about other people are influenced by unavoidable personal biases. The problem is, when we judge someone based on our biases, we use preconceived knowledge that may or may not accurately represent them.

Here...

Shortform Exercise: Listen to Venting Effectively

Goulston emphasizes the importance of listening effectively to overcome someone’s emotional barrier and help them feel understood. Apply his listening strategies to influence the people in your life.

Think of a time when you were talking to an emotional person and you didn’t allow them to thoroughly vent their feelings. What did you do instead of listening? For example, maybe you told them to calm down or you rushed to offer solutions. How did they respond?