Book SummaryIt Didn't Start With You, by Mark Wolynn

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of It Didn't Start With You

Do you suffer from persistent anxiety, depression, or illness? If you’ve tried and failed to get relief through talk therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes, you may need another approach. The source of your suffering may lie hidden in your unconscious, where traumas from your past—and your family’s past—are stopping you from achieving happiness, success, and freedom.

In It Didn’t Start With You, Mark Wolynn, director of The Family Constellation Institute, shares the latest research to reveal how traumas get passed biologically from one generation to the next. These traumas can predispose you to emotional and physical distress.

Does that mean you’re...

It Didn't Start With You Summary The Roots of Our Suffering and Trauma

Wolynn cites scientific research to support his assertion that prolonged, deep-seated suffering gets passed from generation to generation. In this section, we’ll first examine research confirming that biological markers for trauma get imprinted on our bodies and can transfer across generations. Then we’ll look at the four primary relationship dynamics that Wolynn asserts lie behind prolonged distress.

How Science Says We Inherit Trauma

Cellular biologists have demonstrated that environmental influences—including our mother’s behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs—shape us physically and emotionally from the moment of conception. These influences biologically program us to respond to our environment in certain ways, validating the logic behind Wolynn’s therapeutic approach. Let’s dig into the process more deeply.

Just as our mother’s blood nourishes us with oxygen and nutrients while we’re in the womb, she constantly shuttles us hormones and signals generated by her emotions. As Wolynn explains, these hormones and signals shape the chemistry and function of our cells. The cells, in turn, influence which genes get switched on.

(Shortform note: Wolynn also notes that...

It Didn't Start With You Summary A Language-Based Therapeutic Approach to Trauma

Now that you know the relationship dynamics and biological factors that underpin trauma, let’s examine Wolynn’s language-based approach to uncovering the source of your suffering.

Wolynn asserts that how we talk about the things that cause us emotional or physical pain can lead us to the source of our trauma. His therapeutic approach involves asking people a series of questions and listening closely to their answers. Words and phrases that seem particularly impassioned, peculiar, or misplaced serve as beacons indicating that some trauma lies hidden below their awareness. Sometimes investigating our direct life experiences can reveal the source of the trauma, but other times we must trace the source back to prior generations. Wolynn argues that his therapeutic approach can produce results where traditional talk therapy and medication cannot.

The Effectiveness of Talk Therapy and Medication in Resolving Trauma Symptoms

Wolynn says that his language-based therapy can resolve trauma symptoms where traditional talk therapy and medication often cannot. To support his claim, he provides many anecdotal accounts of patients who have successfully resolved deep traumas...

It Didn't Start With You Summary How to Heal Trauma and Move Beyond It

By this point, you know the four steps you must take to reveal the underlying source of your suffering and why language-based therapy is effective. Now let’s look at how you can heal these wounds to achieve a new level of freedom and joy, according to Wolynn.

No matter what traumas lie in your past, Wolynn affirms that you can break the pattern of suffering. Sometimes, simply making a link to traumas that happened in your family history can alleviate your most intense symptoms. But usually, a one-time breakthrough is not enough.

To achieve true, sustained healing, you must develop practices tailored to your unique circumstances that bring forward soothing emotions and physical sensations. The practices you choose, Wolynn says, should move you at a deep emotional level—powerful enough to eclipse the old, restrictive emotions and patterns that have been interfering with your freedom. Whichever rituals or practices you choose, you must repeat them regularly to cement your insights and healing.

In this section, we’ll look at some examples of healing practices Wolynn suggests you use, which we’ve separated into three categories: visualizations, mending broken...

Shortform Exercise: Practice Releasing Blame to Resolve Your Stressors

Wolynn says that—contrary to popular perceptions—our suffering is not due to a defect of character or culture. To begin healing, we need to stop blaming ourselves and others for the pain and distress we experience.

Describe a current stressor in your life that you attribute—at least in part—to a personal shortcoming. Don’t go for the biggest, most intense stressor. For now, choose something that you’d consider a “minor” pain or annoyance. (For example, maybe you don’t exercise enough or get enough sleep, or maybe you can’t seem to keep your house clean or pick your kids up on time.)