Book SummaryI Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't), by Brené Brown

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't)

In I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t), author and researcher Brené Brown discusses one of the most taboo topics of our culture: shame. She explains that shame is an intense feeling similar to embarrassment. It triggers feelings of fear, blame, and disconnection that can consume us and cause us to lash out at ourselves and others.

Brown says many people lack the skills necessary to handle and overcome shame, despite it being an all-encompassing and common sensation. Our inability to deal with shame wreaks havoc on our health, happiness, and relationships, and it perpetuates the cultural acceptance of shaming others. Brown contends that to live a happy, empowered life and help others to do the same, you must learn how to combat shame by practicing empathy toward yourself and others.

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) is Brown’s first book, written in 2007 when she was a professor and researcher studying women’s experiences of shame. Today, Brown is an author of numerous best-sellers, a research professor, a...

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) Summary Shame Causes Fear, Blame, and Disconnection

Brown defines shame as a toxic, excruciating feeling that occurs when something or someone makes us feel like we’re defective and unworthy of love and connection. Shame most often happens when we believe we’re being labeled with an identity that we don’t want to be associated with.

For example, if you value being important, you might feel shame when another person outwits you because it makes you feel unimportant. Or, if you want to be seen as hardworking, you might experience shame when your boss suggests you spend more time on your work because you fear they think you’re a slacker.

Ultimately, when our desired identities are threatened by identities we disdain, we experience shame. And according to Brown, when we allow shame to consume our mind, it produces three feelings that cause harm to our health, happiness, and relationships: 1) fear, 2) blame, and 3) disconnection.

(Shortform note: Most experts agree with Brown's definition of shame, but some argue that shame isn't always toxic—sometimes, it can have positive effects. They call this kind of shame “healthy shame” and explain that it helps us survive by teaching us how to behave acceptably and fit in...

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) Summary Empathy Is The Solution To Shame

Based on her research, Brown argues that empathy is the solution to shame. Brown defines empathy as using our own experiences to understand others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors from their perspectives without judgment.

While we can’t entirely avoid experiences of shame, Brown says that strengthening our ability to empathize with both ourselves and others makes us less reactive to shame and combats the feelings of fear, blame, and disconnection that shame causes.

(Shortform note: Brown’s definition of empathy departs slightly from the definition commonly used by psychologists. Experts consider empathy as having two forms: affective and cognitive. Affective empathy is experiencing the feelings and emotions of another person. Cognitive empathy is taking another person’s perspective to identify and understand their emotions. While psychologists see affective and cognitive abilities as two separate forms of empathy, Brown asserts that both abilities are required to practice “empathy.” She also argues that empathy requires you to practice these abilities without judgment, a component not included in...

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) Summary How To Build Empathy and Combat Shame

Now that we’ve explored what shame and empathy are, let’s look at some specific practices for overcoming shame and building empathy. There are three main practices that Brown recommends you integrate into your daily life:

Practice #1: Acknowledge Your Shame and What Causes It

First, Brown notes, to start building empathy and combating shame, you must recognize when you’re experiencing it and what’s causing it. Recognizing your shame and its causes will allow you to separate from your negative thoughts and emotions before they can cause you to experience fear, react with blame, and become disconnected from yourself and others. Acknowledging your shame will enable you to practice courage, compassion, and connection.

Overcoming Shame by Breaking Neuroassociations

In Awaken The Giant Within, Tony Robbins agrees that the key to overcoming negative actions and reactions (like shame, fear, blame, and disconnection) is to identify what’s causing them. In his view, these actions and reactions are caused by neuroassociations: connections in our brain that form between experiences and emotions....

Shortform Exercise: Address Your Shame

One major component of developing empathy and overcoming shame is practicing critical awareness. This exercise will prompt you to identify and critically analyze one of the identities that cause you shame so you can understand and overcome your negative beliefs around it.

Describe a recent experience with shame and the identity you were being associated with that triggered you. (For example, maybe someone pointed out a hole in your shirt and you felt ashamed over looking poor.)