Book SummaryHow to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish will help your family communicate more effectively. Making sure your children feel heard will encourage them to cooperate, lead to fewer arguments, and make your interactions less stressful and more enjoyable, according to the authors. Once you establish this virtuous cycle, it will pay off for years.

The key to success is teaching kids a communication style that will help them be empathetic and responsible throughout their lives. This style focuses on constructive solutions rather than blame, takes account of everyone’s needs and feelings, and expresses negative emotions without damaging relationships. The method described in this book helps parents convey a key message to their children: “You’re a competent person, and I trust that you’ll do the right thing.”

Faber and Mazlish published their first book, Liberated Parents/Liberated Children, in 1974. Faber holds a master’s degree in education from NYU and taught in New York City high schools for eight years,...

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Summary A Relaxed Approach to Parenting

Faber and Mazlish take an encouraging and relaxed approach that many parents find reassuring. They acknowledge that parenting is frustrating and advise parents to be patient with themselves as well as with their children. Faber and Mazlish say you shouldn’t worry if you don’t say the perfect thing every time—there will be plenty of other chances to use the skills you’ll learn in this book. The first step is noticing when you say things to your child that you don’t feel good about. Then you can work to communicate in more positive ways.

(Shortform note: This relaxed approach may seem unexceptional now, but in the 1970s, parents often disciplined more harshly, and spanking was more common–even in schools. Today’s readers might be surprised that Faber and Mazlish spend so much time discussing why spanking is not an effective punishment. The authors also seem ahead of their time in opposing “time-outs” for children; banishing a child, they...

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Summary 1. How to Deliver Empowering Praise

Faber and Mazlish explain that giving empowering praise is a great way to start effectively communicating with your children. They emphasize praise for several reasons. First, praising your child is something proactive that parents can do any time. It ensures you’re communicating not just about problems that need to be addressed, but also about what you’re proud of. Finally, it’s a powerful way to encourage positive behavior.

To deliver effective praise, though, Faber and Mazlish say you must first understand what not to do when delivering praise. As they learned from the child psychologist Haim Ginott, praise is like emotional medicine and should be administered carefully and intentionally. When your children ask you if their scribbled drawing is “good,” you may reply, “Yes! It’s great!” But this kind of praise doesn’t sound authentic to kids, because it’s too vague and doesn’t show that you’re paying attention and appreciating what they’ve done, according to the authors.

Now, here’s what Faber and Mazlish recommend instead.

Use Descriptive Praise

The authors recommend descriptive praise, which** means specifically and enthusiastically describing what you...

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Summary 2. How to Respond to Negative Feelings

Faber and Mazlish stress that in addition to praise, a second key to communicating better with your child is to show that you understand, accept, and empathize with their feelings. Children, even babies, want adults to understand how they feel, especially when they feel unhappy.

But as with praise, how you respond is important. First, here’s what not to do when your child expresses strong feelings, according to the authors. Don’t deny a child’s feelings by saying something like “You’re just tired,” “You don’t really hate your brother,” or “You can’t be hungry! You just ate.” Don’t just tell them, “It’s not a big deal. Calm down” or “You’re not acting your age.”

Now, here’s what Faber and Mazlish recommend instead.

Acknowledge a Child’s Feelings

Instead of dismissing or minimizing them, accept and acknowledge your child’s feelings. All feelings are O.K., even if all behaviors are not. You can say, “I can see you’re upset that your sister broke a crayon, “You’re mad at your brother,” or “So you’re still hungry, even though you just had lunch.” Echo your child’s feelings: For example, if your child is disappointed, express disappointment in your own voice....

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Summary 3. Give Autonomy, Get Cooperation in Return

A third pillar of Faber and Mazlish’s approach is giving your child a level of autonomy that’s developmentally appropriate. This will make them feel empowered in the relationship, create a smoother, give-and-take relationship, and make your child more cooperative.

Showing that you empathize with their feelings, described in the previous section, sets the stage for cooperation. To build on that, Faber and Mazlish suggest approaches that depersonalize the conflict so it’s no longer a war between you and your child but a cooperative endeavor instead.

Gaining children’s cooperation is key because parents have to stop their children from doing so many things—putting Barbie shoes up their nose, riding the dog—and this can make you seem like an enemy. When you get locked in a power struggle with your child, no one wins.

Faber and Mazlish recommend that you focus not on your authority but on solving the problem that needs solving. When you focus on solutions, your child may be able to suggest some creative approaches you haven’t thought of. By allowing them to come up with ways of addressing the problems they face, you’re also fostering their autonomy.

**Why Autonomy Is...

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Summary 4. Challenge Preconceived Ideas About Your Children

A fourth key to communicating with your children is re-thinking any stereotypes you have, even unconsciously, about your children, and helping them resist the labels others may foist on them. The way you think about your children becomes the way they think about themselves. One of the authors describes how a nurse labeled her newborn son “stubborn” because he wouldn’t breathe right away. This label stuck, and it was hard for her to think of her child differently. The idea that he was stubborn became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How Negative—and Positive—Stereotypes Hurt Kids

When kids are stereotyped either negatively or positively, they may end up having to deny some of their authentic feelings to fit into that narrow role. Negative stereotypes make it hard for kids to behave differently. Even positive stereotypes can have negative effects, because if a child is called, for example, the “smartest kid in the class,” they may feel less likely to take risks or raise their hand in class to answer a challenging question; if they get it wrong, they might ruin their reputation for intelligence.

These stereotypes may operate at school, socially, and even at...

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Summary 5. How to Encourage Positive Behavior Without Punishment

Faber and Mazlish's final principle for communicating effectively is to use communication as an alternative to punishment. They explain that punishment is a distraction, because instead of reflecting on their behavior and how they can do better, a punished child becomes angry and upset and wants to take revenge. But many parents are at a loss for what else to do.

First, Faber and Mazlish stress what not to do if a child misbehaves, no matter what age they are: Don’t do something unrelated to the offense like taking away a toy or sending them to their room. Punishment like this makes the child defiant and vengeful, and it doesn’t help them understand how they should behave differently in the future.

Why Punishment Doesn’t Work

Faber and Mazlish don’t explicitly define punishment, but they give examples of typical punishments: telling a child they can’t have a treat, excluding them from a family activity, or making them stand in the corner. Since How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk was published, there has been a wealth of research showing that these kinds of punishments—depriving a child of something they want, isolating them from...

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Summary Talking to the Next Generation

Faber and Mazlish write in their afterword to the book that decades later, their advice about communication and respect is more relevant than ever. At a time when parents are busy and stressed, work-life balance is hard to achieve, social media promotes distraction and bullying, and children are getting phones in fourth grade, parents and children need all the help they can get in learning how to be kind to each other and themselves.

One of the last sections of the book is a 2012 note by Adele Faber’s daughter, Joanna, a former elementary school teacher who is carrying on her mother’s work.

(Shortform note: Besides contributing to Faber and Mazlish’s book How to Talk So Kids Can Learn at Home and in School, Joanna has written two recent books along with Julie King: _[How To Talk So Little Kids Will...

Shortform Exercise: Practice Acknowledging Feelings

Instead of denying a child’s feelings, the authors recommend that parents accept whatever emotions a child expresses, and help the child label them. Here’s some practice diagnosing and responding to negative feelings.

If your child says, “I played the wrong note on my recorder in music class, and everyone looked at me and laughed. I hate everyone in my class!,” how might they be feeling? What could you say to acknowledge that feeling?