Book SummaryHow to Not Die Alone, by Logan Ury

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of How to Not Die Alone

How can you find and keep a happy relationship? In How to Not Die Alone, Logan Ury—behavioral scientist, dating coach, and Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge—presents a science-backed approach for finding the true love you’ve always wanted so you can do exactly what the title says.

In this guide, you’ll first...

How to Not Die Alone Summary Understand Yourself

Ury argues that the first step to finding a happy relationship is to understand your own behavior: How are you unwittingly sabotaging your quest for true love? In this section, you’ll discover how your dating pattern may be holding you back from finding the right partner.

Understand Your Dating Pattern

Ury contends that there are three unhelpful “dating tendencies,” or patterns, that people fall into when looking for love: maximizers (or optimizers), romanticizers (or fairytale chasers), and hesitaters (or delayers). In this section, you’ll learn about each pattern, why it leads to unhappiness—and how to prevent your own pattern from sabotaging your dating life.

How Optimizers Behave

The first dating pattern is the maximizer, or optimizer. Ury explains that if you’re an optimizer, you want to be 100% sure you’ve made the right decision—so you do as much research as possible before choosing anything.

Unfortunately, Ury explains, optimizing often leads to unhappiness—mainly because it causes so much stress. You’ll date several people but struggle to commit to someone because you’re worried about missing out on someone better. And even if you do commit, you’ll...

How to Not Die Alone Summary Find Your Ideal Partner

Now that you’ve learned about what kind of dater you are, it’s time for the next step: finding a good partner. In this section, you’ll first learn what kind of partner you should be looking for. Then, you’ll discover how to meet good people—both on- and offline. Finally, you’ll learn how to maximize your chances of finding a good relationship by learning how to date properly.

What You Should Be Looking For

According to Ury, many people struggle to look for the right qualities in a long-term partner. This happens for two reasons. First, we have a tendency to prioritize immediate benefits over future benefits. Second, we tend to assume that whatever gets our attention is more important than what doesn’t. When dating, these tendencies lead us to prioritize qualities that don’t indicate long-term compatibility.

For example, you might look for an extremely good-looking person because you want to find them hot and their looks grab your attention. But good looks and lust both fade—so how physically attracted you are to someone isn’t a good measure of compatibility.

How Societal Expectations Harm Our Search for Love

By focusing on our tendencies to prioritize...

How to Not Die Alone Summary Work on Your Relationship

Now that you’ve learned how to meet great people and date so that you find a connection, how can you ensure that you have a happy, long-term relationship? In this section, you’ll first learn how to move through each stage of your relationship effectively to maximize your chances of happiness. Then, you’ll learn how to ensure you remain happy with your relationship—even as you both change and grow.

How to Decide Well at Turning Points in the Relationship

As Ury points out, relationships are full of decisions—from deciding whether to date officially to deciding whether to get married. Behavioral scientists refer to these landmark changes as decision points—moments that interrupt your routine and make you reconsider whether you’re on the right track.

According to Ury, there are two ways you can approach these decision points. You might reactively “slide” into the next stage without giving it serious consideration. Alternatively, you might think more deeply and actively choose, or “decide” to move into the next stage. Ury recommends you become a decider because they tend to have happier marriages. Specifically, you should make a decision at the following transitions:...

Shortform Exercise: Find and Build the Relationship You Want

Now that you’ve learned how to find and keep love in your life, apply Ury’s advice so that you can find and build your ideal relationship.

Based on your dating history, what is your dating tendency and how has it affected your search for a relationship? (Remember that the three dating tendencies are optimizers, fairytale chasers, and delayers.)