Book SummaryGirl, Stop Apologizing, by Rachel Hollis

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Girl, Stop Apologizing

Girl, Stop Apologizing is a call to action—bestselling author and blogger Rachel Hollis wants you to stop apologizing for wanting more out of your life. Society expects women to take care of everyone else but looks down upon the woman who prioritizes herself. This book is Hollis’s guide to overcoming the guilt, shame, and fear of failure that women face whenever they dare to dream big. While Hollis addresses women, much of her advice on achieving your dreams could be useful to anyone.

Using her own life experiences, Hollis takes you one by one through all of the excuses that are holding you back. She lists the behaviors that you must be willing to change in order to succeed, and the skills that will help you along the way.

This book will help you:

• Accept that you deserve to have a dream.
• Stop pressuring yourself to be society’s version of a good woman.
• Release the idea of “having it all.”
• Build resilience in the face of adversity.
• Go after what you want one step at a time.

Excuses to Let Go Of

Before you can acquire the behaviors and skills to help you succeed, you must first develop the right mindset. To Hollis, this means letting go of excuses and embracing a mentality of positivity and perseverance.

Excuses are a tool of self-sabotage. Hollis explains that excuses are paralyzing beliefs that serve no valuable purpose and stop you from even trying.

In this section, Hollis goes through the most common excuses that she hears (and once believed herself) for why you can’t live your dream. She takes each excuse and strips it of its power, reveals the truth beneath, and provides you with strategies to conquer it.

(Shortform note: In The Magic of Thinking Big, author and Ph.D. David Schwartz theorizes that people tend to make excuses in one of four areas: health, intelligence, age, and luck. Schwartz acknowledges that we are all born with advantages and disadvantages in life. For example, you can’t help it if you’re born with a disability. The disadvantage itself isn’t an excuse, but when we lean on our disadvantage as the reason we don’t succeed, then it becomes an excuse. He stresses that those with advantages and the wrong attitude are less likely to succeed than those with disadvantages but the right outlook.)

Excuse: Good Women Don’t Focus On Themselves

According to Hollis, society expects women to care for everyone else, and the phrase “a good woman” is typically synonymous with “a good wife and mother.” Hollis goes on to say that because society expects women to run the household, they are often looked down upon for having career ambitions.

Hollis argues that women must shed this excuse because when you’re being true to yourself, you’re better able to care for those you love. When you’re fulfilled, you’ll be better in all of your relationships. Hollis says that the only way to live a full and happy life is to be open and honest about your dreams, goals, and desires.

(Shortform note: The Covid-19 pandemic highlighted society’s lack of respect for women’s career paths. According to a survey conducted by Seramount (a consulting firm that studies workplace inclusion), about one-third of moms in the workplace had to quit or reduce their hours during the COVID-19 Pandemic in 2020 and 2021, with most citing a need to take care of their children during school closures. However, the government didn’t prioritize child care as a pandemic issue to address.)

Excuse: I’m Not Capable

Once you decide that you’re worthy of having your own dreams and goals, Hollis says the next excuse you’re likely to tell yourself is that your dream is too lofty, and you’re not good enough at (fill in the blank) to accomplish it.

Hollis says that believing you’re not capable is an excuse because the truth is, everybody struggles at the start of something new and challenging. She believes that it’s not important to be naturally good at whatever you’re doing. Rather, you must have the willingness to be bad at it for a long time.

(Shortform note: When you embark on a new goal, it may be helpful to research what the typical learning curve is. For example, how long does it take most people to train for a marathon if their starting point is zero? How long does it take most people to complete prerequisites for medical school? This isn’t to say that you should compare yourself to others if your learning curve is steeper or slower; rather, having this information ahead of time likely will ease your worry if you’re worried about your starting point.)

Excuse: I Have No Free Time

Of all the excuses Hollis highlights, she says the most common one she hears is “I don’t have time.”

Hollis puts forth a simple truth: You won’t find more time. Instead, Hollis says you need to make time by redesignating what fills your hours. She stresses that you can replace any activity with a different activity; the choice is entirely yours.

Hollis recommends you start by “making” five hours available each week to work on your goal by reducing or eliminating other activities. Be intentional about how you schedule your time, and prioritize the parts of your life that are most important to you.

Timeboxing: A Technique for Balancing Your Schedule

Hollis recommends you redesignate your current hours, but she doesn’t provide a clear strategy for how to do it. Nir Eyal, author and investor, has a simple but effective strategy for managing the time you already have. Described in his book Indistractible, timeboxing is the technique of preemptively blocking out chunks of time on your calendar and designating them for certain activities.

What this looks like: On...

Girl, Stop Apologizing Summary Shortform Introduction

Girl, Stop Apologizing is a call to action—Rachel Hollis wants you to stop apologizing for wanting more out of your life. Society expects women to take care of everyone else but looks down upon the woman who prioritizes herself. This book is a guide to overcoming the guilt, shame, and fear of failure that women face whenever they dare to dream big.

Using her own life experiences, Hollis takes you one by one through all of the excuses that are holding you back. She lists the behaviors that you must be willing to change in order to succeed, and the skills that will help you along the way. While Hollis addresses women, much of her advice on achieving your dreams could be useful to anyone.

About the Author

Rachel Hollis is an author, motivational speaker, and founder of The Hollis Company. Her debut self-help book Girl, Wash Your Face spent more than 46 straight weeks on The New York Times bestseller list and has sold over 4.5 million copies to date. Hollis has since written two more self-help books: Girl, Stop Apologizing (a 2019 follow-up to her famous debut) and _[Didn’t See That...

Girl, Stop Apologizing Summary Part 1.1: Introduction | Excuses 1 and 2

Girl, Stop Apologizing is Rachel Hollis’s follow-up to her bestselling book, Girl, Wash Your Face. As Hollis describes it, her first book inspires you to take ownership of your life, and this one teaches you how to pursue your dreams. She asks her readers: “What if” you decided you were worth your dream?

Hollis is an author, blogger, motivational speaker, and former event planner to the stars. Drawing on her own rise from humble beginnings to massive success, Hollis uses the lessons she learned along the way to guide and inspire her readers.

Girl, Stop Apologizing takes a hard look at the cultural brainwashing of women into believing that pursuing personal goals is selfish, unladylike, and unrealistic. Hollis empowers her readers to release these limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging behaviors by drawing attention to their origins, highlighting their ridiculousness, and providing strategies for achievement.

Before you can acquire the behaviors and skills to help you succeed, first must develop the right mindset. To Hollis, this means letting go of excuses and embracing a mentality of positivity and...

Shortform Exercise: Regain Your Childhood Resilience

The older we get, the less tolerance we have for failure. Tap into your inner child and remember what it’s like to really try at something.

Think of a skill you acquired as a child that took a lot of practice (jump roping, cartwheels, learning your times tables, and so on). What was it?

Girl, Stop Apologizing Summary Part 1.2: Excuses 3 and 4

Besides self-limiting beliefs about capability, another excuse that Hollis says keeps women from pursuing their dreams is the notion that if it’s been done already, there’s no point in doing it again.

Excuse 3: It’s Already Been Done

As Hollis points out, women tend to believe that in order for a dream to be worth pursuing, it must be revolutionary—something that has never been done and will change the world.

(Shortform note: If women place value on their dream’s capacity to better the world, perhaps this comes from the childhood conditioning that whatever they pursue, it must be in service to others.)

According to Hollis, there are three main reasons why women abandon their dream once they realize it isn’t unique:

1. It is an easy way to get out of trying due to fear of failure.
2. It keeps them from feeling arrogant (remember, they’ve been trained to be modest).
3. It keeps them from feeling selfish and therefore not a “good woman.”

(Shortform note: It is worth considering that if a woman is going to face significant adversity and risk being ostracized for her goal, she probably wants a guarantee from the beginning that her dream is a) achievable and b) worth...

Shortform Exercise: Use Your Network

If someone has already done what you want you to do, strategize how to use them as a resource instead of seeing them as a threat.

What is one goal you’d like to work on in the next year?

Girl, Stop Apologizing Summary Part 1.3: Excuses 5 and 6

Because women are conditioned from childhood to care for others and not make waves, their self-worth and other people’s opinions are often interwoven. The next excuse that Hollis addresses is the belief that what other people think of your dream matters.

Excuse 5: I’m Worried About What They’ll Think

Hollis explains that this excuse keeps many women in the fantasy state and stops them from taking their first steps toward their goals. So what might this excuse look like?

Example: A woman who dropped out of high school and has been raising children for the past 10 years decides she wants to become a doctor. Her first thought might be, everyone is going to laugh at me for having such a huge ambition when I haven’t even finished high school. This fear of other people’s opinions might stop her from even starting. But the truth is, her ability to become a doctor has nothing to do with her starting point.

(Shortform note: For some, the act of daydreaming or fantasizing is in itself a satisfying act. It’s the reason why planning a vacation is often more exciting than the vacation itself. Why would this be? In...

Shortform Exercise: Prioritize Quality Time

Part of feeling centered is knowing that the time we spend with our loved ones is of high quality. Start by identifying the most important moments to share and then make sure you are present.

Think of one person who is very important to you. Who is it?

Girl, Stop Apologizing Summary Part 2: Behaviors to Adopt

So far, Hollis has explained how to recognize self-sabotaging excuses and how to eliminate them. Next, she discusses how to take that new mindset of taking control of your life and apply it to behaviors that will help you succeed.

She stresses that our behavior and habits are choices, whether or not we are conscious of them. Because of this, we are capable of changing our behaviors so that they better serve us.

In this section, we will examine each of the behaviors that Hollis identifies as being crucial to success and discuss strategies for implementing the behavior in your own life.

Behavior 1: Start With a Solid Foundation

Before any other behaviors can be modified, Hollis strongly suggests you start by laying a healthy foundation. These are the habits and routines that will allow your new mindset and behaviors to flourish.

Hollis believes that these foundational elements are the most important of all the behaviors, and that motivation and mindset won’t matter if your daily routine sabotages your efforts.

She identified three key areas to focus on: health, cleanliness, and community.

Once you have established healthy routines in each of...

Shortform Exercise: Change Your Habits

All habits consist of a cue, an action, and a reward. To change your habit, replace one action with another that provides the same reward.

Think of a bad habit that you would like to change—for instance, constantly checking your phone. What is the habit? What is your cue to do it? (In other words, what triggers the action?)

Girl, Stop Apologizing Summary Part 2.2: Behaviors 2 and 3

Now that you have established a solid foundation, you’re ready to start leveraging your behaviors to support your goals. Hollis says this starts with trusting yourself.

Behavior 2: Trust Yourself as the Voice of Authority

Trusting your own voice as the authority in your life is a deliberate act, and it is the first block you should place on top of your foundation.

Why Is Trusting Yourself a Deliberate Act?

Hollis notes that throughout history, and across the globe, the vast majority of cultures have been patriarchal. This means that the voice of authority in nearly every government and community has been male since the beginning of time.

On a smaller scale, in many (not all) families, the father is the decision maker. So for most of us, the voice of authority growing up was male, and this is now ingrained in our subconscious beliefs about leadership.

If you’re a woman, Hollis says you must rewire this subconscious belief system in order to trust your own authority without the need for male validation. This takes conscious effort.

The Relationship Between Approval-Seeking and Codependence

Codependency is a psychological condition—often...

Shortform Exercise: Rehearse a “No” Response

Saying “no” to a request can be uncomfortable, but with practice, it gets easier. The better you get at saying “no,” the more you can say “yes” to your priorities.

Think of a recent time when you agreed to something you didn’t really want to do—for instance, letting your friend borrow your car even though it made you uncomfortable. How did the conversation go?

Girl, Stop Apologizing Summary Part 2.3: Behavior 4

The title of this book is Girl, Stop Apologizing, and this chapter drives home exactly what that means. Hollis emphasizes the need to stop apologizing, through your words and actions, for putting yourself first.

Behavior 4: Stand Your Ground

Hollis explains that when you let others derail your plans, or talk you out of your dreams, you’re apologizing to them through the act of quitting. You’re essentially telling these people, “I’m sorry I tried to do (fill in the blank). I’ll stop now.” She says that when you face adversity, it’s crucial that you stand your ground.

The Big and Small Conundrum: Living Your Dream Out Loud

In a video interview with Tom Bilyeu, Hollis discusses her childhood conditioning of being both “big” and “small” simultaneously. She was raised to be “big” in the sense that she received attention only when accomplishing great things. At the same time, however, she was taught to be “small” in that she was not to speak her mind or vocalize her dreams. In her adulthood, this conditioning manifested as she found herself (in the beginning) building her business in secret—afraid to...

Shortform Exercise: Examine Past Pressure

Peer pressure and self-peer pressure can be overcome with practice. Start by identifying where the pressure is coming from and why.

Think of a recent time when you caved to peer pressure. What happened?

Girl, Stop Apologizing Summary Part 3: Skills to Acquire

By this point in the book, Hollis has covered the excuses you need to overcome, as well as the behaviors and habits you must develop in order to achieve your dreams.

In Part 3, she takes the preparation a step further and provides a list of universal skills that will take you from motivation to achievement.

Hollis defines skills unconventionally. In her view, a skill is any ability that you can learn and develop over time through intentional practice. The skills she lists are often viewed as character traits—confidence, for example. However, Hollis argues that if you can develop confidence and use it as a tool, then it is indeed a skill.

In this section, we will take a look at five universal skills Hollis believes will serve you best in the pursuit of your dream.

Skill 1: Confidence

Hollis argues that confidence is a skill because it is fluid. You aren’t born confident or insecure, but your confidence levels fluctuate over time and you can adjust them with effort.

Hollis makes clear that confidence is important to success because if you already believe that you’re bad at something, you’re unlikely to even attempt it. In her experience, **there...

Shortform Exercise: Practice Preemptive Persistence

To persist is to experience a setback and continue anyway. Give yourself a head start by predicting the roadblocks you will face.

Think of a goal you’d like to work on in the upcoming year. For two minutes, write down everything you can think of that could get in your way.

Shortform Exercise: Craft a Mantra for Positive Self-Talk

Your greatest opportunity to practice positivity is within your inner dialogue.

Is there a negative thought that you often have about yourself? What is it? (For instance, do you believe that you are lazy or unintelligent?)

Girl, Stop Apologizing Summary Part 4: Executing Your Dream: A Step-by-Step Guide for Getting It Done

Hollis has walked you through all of the excuses that will hold you back and revealed the truth beneath each one. She has given you behaviors to turn into habits, and she has suggested skills to develop. If you were a carpenter, you’d now have all of the tools necessary to get the job done. The final thing you need is the blueprint, and then you can get to work.

Your blueprint is a step-by-step template that you can use as many times as you want on as many goals as you desire. Here’s how you execute.

First, Choose One Goal Only

At this point, you’re probably fired up and ready to dive into all of your goals. However, Hollis advises resisting the urge to work on all of them at once. Instead, choose one goal at a time and give it everything you’ve got.

Why Only One?

Hollis argues that having a long list of goals is wonderful, but that working on more than one at one time is ineffective. First, you will spread yourself too thin and not dedicate enough energy and time to any one thing to make it happen. As the saying goes, “when everything is important, nothing is important.”

Second, having more than one goal allows you to have backup plans B,...

Shortform Exercise: Synthesize to Choose a Goal

Choosing one goal is difficult if you have many interests. Start by seeing what they have in common and then consider the timing.

Write down five to 10 goals you have for your life, in no particular order.