Book SummaryGetting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Getting the Love You Want

We all have a deep-rooted need to be loved, but often a rift opens between our romantic partners and ourselves. Over time, we may even resent the traits in our loved ones that initially brought us together. Why does this happen, and can anything be done to rescue a relationship in a downward slide?

In Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt suggest that we unconsciously seek out romantic partners with characteristics that resemble those of the first people we loved—our parents. In essence, our unconscious mind chooses a mate who will help us resolve the wounded parts of our childhood. When our partners fail to meet our unconscious expectations, we grow unhappy without knowing why, and our relationships fall apart.

(Shortform note: A 2002 CDC report that went beyond divorce statistics showed that while the probability of a marriage failing in its first five years was 20%, the probability of a cohabiting couple breaking up was nearly 50% in the same time frame. In the 21st century, divorce rates are falling, but mainly because Millennials are less likely to marry at all.)

But it doesn’t have to be that way. According to the authors, by becoming aware of the subconscious needs that drive what we expect from our significant others, we can engage our conscious mind to take control of our relationships. We can learn to recognize when a present-day conflict is reopening old, forgotten childhood wounds. We can choose to change defensive, knee-jerk reactions into thoughtful, understanding responses. Most importantly, we can become the people our partners need us to be, and by doing so heal ourselves in turn.

From 1977-1988, Hendrix and Hunt co-developed Imago Relationship Therapy as a response to the failure of the models of marriage counseling prevalent at the time. (Shortform note: Couples counseling at that time primarily viewed the family as a sociological unit, and it focused on maintaining the family’s utility as a functional part of the community. As a result, its practitioners were mainly concerned with identifying and solving specific problems in the family unit, while...

Getting the Love You Want Summary The Legacy of Childhood

When a relationship starts to falter, it’s easy to blame your partner. Often, you’re not even consciously aware of the specific hidden needs you expect them to fulfill. In order to understand the unconscious drives that you bring into a romantic relationship, it’s important to examine your childhood frustrations as well as those of your significant other. Hendrix and Hunt propose that the process of mutual self-discovery will shine a light on your unmet childhood needs and will become the first step in transforming you and your partner from antagonists into allies on the road to rebuilding your relationship.

The Theoretical Background of Childhood’s Importance

The correlation between our early upbringing with mental and physical health is the basis of Attachment Theory, introduced by John Bowlby and further developed by Mary Ainsworth. The central tenet of Attachment Theory is that a person’s physical and mental development depends strongly on the quality of their relationship with their mother during infancy and the first few years of life.

Attachment Theory is not without its...

Getting the Love You Want Summary The Pattern of Romantic Relationships

Now that we understand how and why we select romantic partners, how do those same unconscious patterns drive our relationships as we move forward?

Your subconscious mind thinks it has found a “perfect partner” who will resolve all your issues from childhood. Hendrix and Hunt state that you’ll naturally experience an emotional high, followed by an inevitable slide to disappointment as the reality of your partner’s imperfection sets in. Much like the structure of a novel or a play, a relationship is marked by an intense emotional rise, an unexpected turn, and a downfall into conflict.

The Honeymoon Phase

According to Hendrix and Hunt, the feeling of reconnection with your idealized parental figure lets you see your partner through rose-tinted glasses. Meanwhile, your body releases a flood of hormones that create a natural euphoria. While the effects of the hormones are biochemical in nature, their release is triggered by your unconscious, which believes that its deep-seated childhood needs will at last be met.

For instance, when you say to your partner, “You complete me,” you acknowledge that being with them allows you to reconnect with your own repressed feelings. When...

Getting the Love You Want Summary Learning to Talk to Each Other

As we can now see, unconscious needs bring couples together, while unconscious reactions drive couples apart. In order to bridge the rift, you both have to bring your needs and reactions to the forefront of your conscious, rational minds. To enable this, Hendrix and Hunt created a structured way for couples to communicate, called the “Imago Dialogue.” As a scripted format, this dialogue embodies mirroring your partner’s statements to ensure that you’ve understood them correctly, validating their point of view, and responding with empathy for their emotions.

(Shortform note: The skills employed in the conscious dialogue script match those involved in active listening, a practice that’s not only useful in relationships, but in any part of life that requires clear communication. Although the elements of active listening vary from source to source, it generally involves listening without interrupting, reflecting what someone says back to them, validating their thoughts, and speaking to the core emotions they express. In order for this process to be...

Getting the Love You Want Summary The Path to Healing

Given this tool for changing the way that couples interact, how can we use it to mend fractured connections with the people we love?

In order to transform a broken relationship, the authors stress that each partner must feel emotionally safe. You must learn to see each other as separate individuals, and then gradually change to become the person your partner needs you to be. In making this change, you’ll eventually discover that you’re healing yourself as well.

To enable this to happen, Hendrix and Hunt devised a program of exercises around the core concepts of mirroring, validation, and empathy. These exercises fall into three broad categories designed to create feelings of mutual safety, explore your childhood needs and frustrations, and guide you to making the hardest changes of all.

Create Safety for Growth

Because the healing process requires forming new habits that take time to set in, Hendrix and Hunt insist that each partner must commit to the process and agree to remain a couple for at least three months. This creates a feeling of security for a partner who fears abandonment, while the time-limited nature of the commitment can be calming for a...

Getting the Love You Want Summary The Work Never Ends

Though Hendrix and Hunt’s process begins with a couple in crisis making a time-limited commitment, if you’re able to bridge the divide that’s grown between you and your partner, then the cycle of growth and change will never stop. The endgame of Imago Relationship Therapy is not to produce a perfect “happily ever after,” but to change the way you and your partner interact so that you may continue to evolve and support each other over years to come.

To implement this change, they suggest that you strive to eliminate your negative reactions to each other, push through the inevitable periods of back-pedaling, and apply conscious, thoughtful communication in every aspect of your relationship.

Do Away With Negativity

Negativity, such as put-downs, hurtful criticisms, and worst of all, outright contempt, is the death of many a loving relationship. In its rawest form, “negativity” is the denial of another person’s right to exist as they are. Hendrix and Hunt don’t suggest that you repress your negative thoughts and feelings, but when they occur you should bring them out into the open so that you can consciously examine them and determine what issues lie beneath.

(Shortform...

Shortform Exercise: Which Childhood Feelings Drive Your Actions?

Hendrix and Hunt’s underlying premise is that we carry the emotional reactions we learned as children with us into adulthood. Even without knowing, we may react to an event in the present by replaying a scenario from our past.

Recall a time when you felt angry or hurt as a child. What happened to make you feel that way, and how did you react?

Shortform Exercise: Why Is Changing So Difficult?

According to Hendrix and Hunt, making gradual change is essential to growth, and yet it’s the hardest part of any process. They suggest that the most difficult changes to make are ones that contradict lessons we were taught as children.

Think of a time when someone (a colleague, friend, or member of your family) asked you to change in a way you didn’t like. What was the change they asked you to make?