Book SummaryExistential Kink, by Carolyn Elliott

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Existential Kink

In Existential Kink, Carolyn Elliott argues that negative patterns of feelings and behaviors in our lives are manifestations of what we unconsciously desire and that embracing and fully approving of such desires will help dissolve them. By taking emotional and physical pleasure in our unconscious desires and making those desires conscious, we can eliminate their ability to secretly control us, freeing up our time and energy so we can want and manifest positive things. She refers to this practice of embracing and taking pleasure in our unconscious “negative” desires as existential kink.

Elliott is a...

Existential Kink Summary What Is Existential Kink?

According to Elliott, the term existential kink can refer to both an attitude about life in general and a specific meditative practice. We’ll discuss the attitude first and later describe how to do the meditative practice.

The premise of existential kink is that the negative patterns—of feelings, behaviors, and so on—we see recurring in our lives are the manifestations of our unconscious desires. As humans, we have an instinctual drive to experience everything—both good and bad—but we repress our desires for bad things because we’re ashamed of them. For example, we might consciously believe we desire financial independence, but unconsciously we delight in the feeling of being dependent on others, so we don’t take the necessary steps to gain financial security.

(Shortform note: Repression is the act of unconsciously blocking unpleasant thoughts or desires from our minds as a defense mechanism in order to relieve negative emotions associated with those thoughts or desires. However, there’s a similar defense mechanism called suppression, which is a conscious blocking of unpleasant thoughts or...

Existential Kink Summary The Seven Principles of Existential Kink

To understand existential kink as an attitude, let's look at the beliefs about the world that underpin it, according to Elliott. Existential kink is founded on seven principles—incorporating them into your worldview will help you understand and practice existential kink.

Principle #1: What You Have Is a Manifestation of What You Desire

Adopting existential kink requires becoming aware of your unconscious desires. If you’re struggling to identify what you unconsciously desire, all you need to do is look at what you currently have, explains Elliott. The things your unconscious secretly craves will come to be in your life, seemingly from some force outside your control.

(Shortform note: Others have different theories on how the unconscious impacts what we have in life. In You Are a Badass, Jen Sincero suggests that it’s not your desires, but rather your subconscious beliefs that control your life and interfere with your ability to get what you consciously want. Because of this, Sincero’s advice for overcoming the things that are holding you back is to...

Existential Kink Summary How to Practice Existential Kink

The basic method of employing existential kink is through meditation. Elliott describes a six-step process for an existential kink meditation practice, which we’ve condensed into four steps.

Step 1: Relax and create a comforting space. Since existential kink involves noticing physical sensation in response to your thoughts and feelings, you should be as relaxed as possible before you begin. This will allow you to better tap into your body and mind so you can be more aware of your feelings and sensations. Elliott recommends using incense and a candle, along with a 15-minute timer to keep you centered in the moment and to keep you from losing track of time.

(Shortform note: Experts note that it can be difficult to relax during meditation, especially the first few times you do it. Some ways you can make relaxation easier if you’re struggling with it is to focus on your breathing, repeat a mantra to yourself, read a poem or other short meaningful text, or pray.)

**Step 2: Choose a life event or circumstance to reflect...

Existential Kink Summary Additional Practices

While you can study and perform the principles and meditation described above, these are conscious efforts that you have to think about and put energy toward. In order to fully incorporate the process and attitude of existential kink into your life so it happens effortlessly, like magic, Elliott recommends several other practices. Though these will take conscious effort at first, as well, over time they’ll become second nature so you no longer have to think about them.

Identify Your Fears

One exercise Elliott suggests is to take stock of your deepest fears. Fear is often what stops us from receiving the “positive” patterns we think we want. In fact, Elliott explains, fear and desire always coexist: Everything we desire is something we fear to some degree, and everything we fear is something we desire in some way. For example, you may tell yourself you want to achieve better health, but deep down there’s something about improving your health that you fear, and this fear is why you keep manifesting the opposite. This process is about acknowledging that it’s not because of bad luck or the cruelty of the universe that you don’t have what you want: It’s because you’re...

Shortform Exercise: Identify Negative Patterns in Your Life

The existential kink meditation requires you to reflect on a negative pattern in your life and related feelings and desires. In this exercise, you’ll identify these feelings.

To begin, identify a negative pattern in your life and its associated desire. Look at the things that happen in your life and identify a recurring circumstance that you think of as bad. Make sure it’s something you have some distance from and aren’t currently grieving. Whatever this circumstance is, it’s the result of your underlying desire, so examine what you’re receiving from that circumstance to identify what desire it’s fulfilling.