Book SummaryEight Dates, by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, et al.

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Eight Dates

What makes love last? According to the authors of Eight Dates, the secret to a long and loving relationship is to make time to learn about your partner and to stay curious. Eight Dates is a resource for building a stronger relationship with your partner by committing to always learning about who they are and who they're becoming, starting with eight powerful dates.

Eight Dates is co-authored by couples John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman are best known for their work as founders of The Gottman Institute, a research and therapy center focused on strengthening relationships and preventing divorce. Their research inspired them to develop The Gottman Method, a widely used approach to relationship counseling. The couple has written multiple books together, including _[The Love...

Eight Dates Summary The Secret to a Long and Loving Relationship: Never Stop Dating

There's no magic equation of compatibility that guarantees that you and your partner will stay together. However, the authors argue that there's a tried and true way to make sure your relationship grows stronger over time. Relationships last when both people support the evolution and growth of their partner, as individuals and as a couple. The authors argue that to support each other’s growth, you and your partner need to set aside time to continue learning about each other through intentional conversation and open-ended questions.

(Shortform note: Inherent in the authors’ discussion of how to make romantic relationships last is the assumption that people want to stay in long-term relationships. However, according to some experts, not all long-term relationships are healthy, and many people find themselves stuck in emotionally or physically abusive relationships. In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft defines abuse as controlling, angry, and violent behavior committed by someone against their partner. If you or someone...

Eight Dates Summary The Eight Essential Conversations

After committing to make time to learn more about your partner on a weekly date night, where do you start and what should you talk about?

The authors outline eight conversations that they say every couple must have; topics range from sex to finances to personal aspirations. These eight conversations won't only lay a strong foundation for your relationship—they’ll also allow you to address common sources of conflict.

(Shortform note: In their discussion of the eight dates, the authors focus on how conversations can strengthen relationships, but dates don’t necessarily have to revolve around conversation to have a positive impact on a relationship. Studies have shown that exploring new or exciting activities together can also promote closeness and personal growth.)

The authors structure these conversations as eight possible dates, outlining the purpose of the date and offering suggestions on where to go and questions to guide the conversation. In the following sections, we’ll explore the theme of each date, explain why it’s important, and provide a few date ideas to spark inspiration.

Date One: Trust

Trust is...

Eight Dates Summary A Lifelong Journey

The authors emphasize that these eight dates are just the start of the long journey of getting to know your partner. It’s impossible to ever know everything about another person, and that's the wonderful thing about being in a...

Shortform Exercise: Prioritize Date Night

The authors of Eight Dates argue that the secret to a long and loving relationship is to take time to keep getting to know your partner, and they strongly advocate for the power of a weekly date night. In the following exercises, you’ll explore your reason for prioritizing date night, identify potential barriers, and start making a plan for your first weekly date.

Why do you want to prioritize planning intentional time with your partner?

Shortform Exercise: Plan Your First Dates

Now that you’ve articulated why you want to plan a weekly date and addressed your biggest potential barrier, it’s time to plan your first date.

While the authors suggest an order for the eight dates, the dates can happen in any order. Out of the eight dates, which one are you most excited about? Why?