Book SummaryCome As You Are, by Emily Nagoski

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Come As You Are

According to sex researcher Emily Nagoski, our culture’s tendency to consider men’s sexual experience the standard perpetuates a lot of misinformation about what’s sexually normal and healthy for women. This tendency forces women to view themselves through a scope that wasn’t made for them, ultimately inflicting harm to their sexual health and well-being.

(Shortform note: These false ideas about what’s normal with regards to women’s sexual experience stem from a long history of contempt toward female sexuality, even in the medical field. Research examining attitudes toward female sexuality demonstrates that, as recently as the 19th century, doctors were advocating for clitoridectomies to "cure" masturbation and nymphomania.)

Nagoski believes that to put an end to these misguided cultural standards and the damage they cause, women must better understand the science behind their sexuality. She says that by viewing their sexuality from a scientific rather than cultural perspective, women can free themselves from unrealistic standards, learn to appreciate their sexuality for what it is, and ultimately improve their overall well-being.

(Shortform note: In advocating for a scientific perspective, Nagoski doesn’t acknowledge how difficult it can be to identify factual scientific information in an environment that allows for the quick and easy spread of misinformation and pseudoscience. For example, in 2017, the popular wellness website Goop was sued for making false claims about a product it claimed could improve your sex life just by inserting it into the vagina for hours at a time. After many customers had already purchased the product, a lawsuit ultimately condemned Goop’s claims as counterfactual, and health experts warned that using the product could cause bacterial infections.)

With this in mind, we’ll first cover the basics of anatomy and the mechanism in our brain that governs our sexual response. Then, we’ll discuss the influence of context on our sexual experience, the concepts of arousal, desire, and orgasm, and how to find true enjoyment in sex by cultivating confidence and joy in ourselves.

Our Similar But Unique Anatomy

According to Nagoski, both men’s and women’s genitalia have the same origins, stemming from the same embryonic tissue. However, these organs ultimately develop in unique ways, take distinct shapes, and serve different functions depending on a person’s sex. For example, according to Nagoski, the male equivalent of the clitoris is the penis. Whereas only the head of the clitoris is visible outside of a woman’s body—as the rest extends far inside—much of the penis is visible outside of a man’s body.

(Shortform note: The fact that Nagoski points out the true size and shape of the clitoris is important, as many people don’t realize just how far it extends into the body. In fact, it took until 1981 for any health body to create an anatomically correct diagram of the clitoris, and many school textbooks don’t even mention this organ, let alone explain its true size and shape. This persistent misinformation and misconception support her argument for the need for a biological understanding of female genitalia.)

Nagoski argues that their differences in appearance have everything to do with their differences in function. Whereas the clitoris is only responsible for sensation, the penis is responsible for sensation, penetration, ejaculation, and urination. (Shortform note: Nagoski doesn’t elaborate on why these differences in function lead to differences in appearance. The penis must extend further than the clitoris as it must be long enough to penetrate and ejaculate into the vaginal canal, which is inside a woman’s body.)

The Variation in Female Genitalia

Nagoski tells us that just as men and women have similar parts organized in different ways, female genitalia, too, can vary a lot from woman to woman. In particular, she notes that the size, shape, and even color of everything from the clitoris to the labia can differ greatly depending on the person. Understanding this from a biological perspective can help women realize that whatever the unique appearance of their genitalia, they’re normal and healthy.

(Shortform note: While Nagoski specifically mentions women here, men have a lot of genital variation too. For instance, the penis and scrotum can differ in size, shape, and color in much the same way as female genitalia. What’s more, men also face feelings of shame about the appearance of their genitals—for instance, the size of their penis—that stem from a toxic and pervasive standard for what it means to be masculine.)

Your Individual Sexual Personality

Next, Nagoski tells us that according to a groundbreaking theory developed by sex researchers at the Kinsey Institute, everyone is born with a two-system mechanism in the brain that determines their unique sexual personality. The two systems are called the Sexual Excitation System (SES) and Sexual Inhibition System (SIS):

The Two-System Mechanism of Sexual Response

According to Nagoski, the Sexual Excitation System (SES) is responsible for the process of arousal. It constantly scans our environment for potential sexual stimuli. (Common examples could be the scent of cologne or seeing our partner in a bathing suit.) When the SES identifies sex-related stimuli, it sends a signal from our brain to our genitals so that our body can prepare for sex.

In contrast to the SES, Nagoski says that the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) controls the process of impeding arousal. The SIS scans our environment for reasons not to have sex (for example, the...

Come As You Are Summary Shortform Introduction

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski explores women’s sexuality using scientific research and the author’s years of experience as a sex educator. Nagoski decided to write the book to change the negative way that many women talk, think, and feel about themselves due to harmful cultural messaging that encourages self-criticism and perpetuates misinformation about what constitutes “normal” sexuality.

To prove to women that they’re healthy and normal just the way they are, Nagoski discusses the science behind women’s sexuality and how each person’s sexual experience is unique. Specifically, she covers the basics of anatomy and the sexual response system, the powerful influence of emotional and cultural context on sexual response, and the mechanisms of arousal, desire, and orgasm.

About the Author

Emily Nagoski is an award-winning author, researcher, educator, and activist who specializes in women’s sexuality. She began her career as a sex educator as an undergraduate at the University of Delaware, where she educated her peers about health-related topics such as nutrition, physical activity, and sex.

Nagoski’s experience working with her peers inspired her to pursue a...

Come As You Are Summary Part 1: The Basics of Biology | Chapter 1: Our Similar But Unique Anatomy

According to sex researcher Emily Nagoski, our culture tells women that there’s a standard for female sexuality, and they aren’t living up to it. What our society considers sexually “normal,” in terms of everything from anatomical structure to a person’s level of desire for sex, is based on the experience of the average man. This is because until relatively recently, research has focused heavily on men and male-centric models of sexuality.

(Shortform note: The issue of gender inequality in research isn’t exclusive to the field of human sexuality. In fact, there’s a widely acknowledged gender gap throughout medical research that has led to a dangerous lack of information regarding women’s health and how it might differ from men’s. For example, although cardiovascular disease affects men and women differently in terms of symptoms, risk factors, and outcomes, only one-third of cardiovascular clinical trial subjects are female, leaving the unique female experience underexplored.)

There are two problems with using an average man as the...

Shortform Exercise: Explore Your Anatomy

Learn to embrace what makes you unique by getting to know your anatomy.

Take some time to examine your naked body in the mirror, paying special attention to the size, shape, and color of your genitalia. Describe what you see.

Come As You Are Summary Chapter 2: Your Individual Sexual Personality

In the previous chapter, we discussed Nagoski’s proposition that when it comes to anatomy, everyone has the same basic parts, but they’re configured uniquely from person to person. Now, we’ll extend this idea, applying it not just to anatomy but to a person’s sexuality. As we’ll see, although everyone is born with the same brain mechanism that controls sexual response, certain aspects are distinct to each person. According to Nagoski, these differences produce unique sexual personalities that determine our individual sexual needs, such as what it takes to turn us on.

In this chapter, we’ll discuss the two-system mechanism in our brain that determines our sexual personality, including what it is, how it works, and how it varies from person to person. Specifically, we will:

• Discuss previous models and what led to the proposal of the modern model
• Define the parts of the mechanism and how they work
• Explain how the brain determines what turns us on (and what turns us off)
• Discuss how aspects of the mechanism can vary from person to person
• Explore how to determine the characteristics of your unique personality

Contextualizing Our Current Understanding of Sexual...

Come As You Are Summary Part 2: The Role of Context | Chapter 3: The Mechanics of Context

In the previous chapter, we introduced the idea that everyone’s sexual response is unique because we all differ in our level of sensitivity to stimuli in our environment. However, this is only part of the story. In reality, Nagoski argues that our sexual response is determined not only by our systems’ inherent sensitivity levels to stimuli but also by the context in which those stimuli appear.

In Part 2, we’ll dive deeper into the role of context, exploring both the mechanics of how it works and the specific effects of emotional and cultural context. To begin our discussion, this chapter will talk about the basics of how context interacts with our brains and how this interaction affects our sexual response, especially for women.

How Context Works

Nagoski tells us that contextual factors, such as who we’re with, potential risks, and even our mood, can make something that’s normally a turn-on have little effect (or even the opposite effect) on our arousal. Take the example of your partner’s cologne: Under normal circumstances, the scent may be arousing. But imagine that one day, you have an uncomfortable encounter with a coworker who happens to wear the same...

Come As You Are Summary Chapter 4: The Power of Emotional Context

By this point, we have a clear understanding of the basic mechanics of context’s interaction with the brain and how that affects our sexual response. In this chapter, we’ll continue the discussion on context by focusing on just how much emotional factors impact not only our sexual response but also our overall sexual experience and well-being. Specifically, we’ll discuss the significant effect of stress and love on sexual response and how understanding and managing these systems can positively affect our sexual experience.

Stress

According to Nagoski, stress is one of the two emotion-based systems in the mesolimbic cortex that most greatly impact our sexual arousal and pleasure. It’s a process or system of changes in our minds and bodies that occurs in response to threats, and it underlies all types of negative emotions, including anxiety, fear, irritation, frustration, and anger.

Nagoski explains that although stress used to be an evolutionary adaptation to respond to real, life-threatening situations—such as a lion chasing us or a neighboring tribe attacking ours—these days, it’s a response to more subtle things that threaten our well-being: bills to pay,...

Shortform Exercise: Determine Your Stress Management Style

Better manage your stress by determining what stress management strategies work best for you.

Think about the last few times you were noticeably stressed. How did you try to manage it (if at all)? What patterns do you notice between instances—did you frequently use the same strategy (or strategies)?

Come As You Are Summary Chapter 5: The Negative Impact of Cultural Context

In the previous chapter, we discussed the impact that emotional states like stress and love have on our sexual experience. Now, we’ll shift our focus to another type of context that plays an important role—cultural context. According to Nagoski, whether we’re aware of it or not, culture dictates our beliefs and ideals, including how we feel about sex.

Nagoski tells us that women in particular grow up hearing a lot of negative messages about sex, which creates deep-seated feelings of shame and fear that can be detrimental to their sexual experience and well-being.

(Shortform note: Men, too, develop feelings of shame due to negative cultural messaging. Research shows that there are several factors comprising men’s sexual shame, including distress about their sexual inexperience, guilt about masturbation and viewing pornography, dissatisfaction about their body, and insecurity about their sexual performance, among others.)

In this chapter, we’ll discuss the specific messages regarding women’s sexuality that our culture perpetuates and how they negatively impact women. Then, we’ll discuss several...

Shortform Exercise: Create a Body-Positive Social Media Feed

Overhaul your social media feeds to provide you with more feel-good content.

Identify 3 to 5 accounts on your social media feeds that are regularly body-focused or discuss body-image issues. What are the accounts and what type of content do they post?

Come As You Are Summary Part 3: Diving Deeper | Chapter 6: Subjective Arousal vs. Genital Response

In previous chapters, we talked a lot about the mechanisms in the brain that govern our sexual response. In particular, we discussed the sexual excitation and sexual inhibition systems, how the brain learns what to consider turn-ons and turn-offs, and how different types of context affect sexual response.

Now, in Part 3, we’ll dive deeper into our mechanism of sexual response by examining some of its components—arousal, desire, and orgasm—on a more complex level. This chapter starts the discussion by focusing on arousal. In particular, we’ll discuss another one of Nagoski’s fundamental ideas—that there are times when 1) we feel turned on but experience no genital response, or 2) experience a genital response despite experiencing no pleasure. This mismatch between what our brains identify as sex-related and what we actually find appealing is called non-concordance.

(Shortform note: While here, Nagoski talks purely about non-concordance in a sexual capacity, in a TED talk on the subject, she noted that the phenomenon can occur in non-sexual situations, too. For instance, we can bite into a piece of food...

Come As You Are Summary Chapter 7: Understanding Desire

In the previous chapter, we focused on arousal non-concordance, which is how we describe the misalignment between our genital response and subjective experience. In this chapter, we’ll continue our conversation on sexual response by talking about what happens when our subjective experience of pleasure combines with context to evolve into something more: desire. (Although we’ve already touched on desire briefly, this chapter will discuss it at length.)

We’ll first describe desire, including the two basic types identified by Nagoski: spontaneous and responsive. Then, we’ll discuss both the misconceptions and reality of what causes lack of desire. Finally, we’ll explore how to increase desire, specifically within the context of long-term relationships.

Defining Desire

Nagoski tells us that the best way to think about desire is that it’s the result of context interacting with what we find pleasurable. In other words, depending on the contextual factors at any given time, we may or may not find something pleasurable enough to want more of it (as discussed in Chapter 3). According to Nagoski, exactly how pleasurable a person needs to find something before they experience...

Come As You Are Summary Chapter 8: The Ins and Outs of Orgasms

In the previous chapter, we learned about the different ways that people experience desire, what causes a lack of desire, and how we can increase desire within our relationship. Now, we’ll shift our attention to orgasms, which scientists define as the climactic release of built-up tension during a sexual experience. However, as we’ll discuss, Nagoski insists that orgasms are much more complex than this definition allows for, and each individual experiences them in a unique way.

To frame our discussion, we’ll start by clearing up some of the misconceptions that society has made us believe about orgasms to better understand what they are. Then, we’ll discuss in what ways one experience of orgasm can differ from another. Finally, we’ll identify why some people, especially women, have difficulty with orgasms and provide information about what they can do to have better and more frequent orgasms.

Misconceptions About Orgasms

By now, we have a good understanding that our society perpetuates a lot of false information regarding sex. Nagoski tells us that this is no different when it comes to ideas about orgasms. In particular, she discusses several misconceptions that...

Shortform Exercise: Adjust Your Expectations

Improve your sex life by changing your perspective.

Below, list the different expectations you have surrounding sex. (For example, you may expect that you should enjoy every orgasm you experience.)

Come As You Are Summary Part 4: Putting It All Together | Chapter 9: Finding Confidence and Joy

Throughout the previous chapters, we’ve established all the ways in which a person’s individual sexual experience may not fit the cultural standard. Contrary to what we’re made to believe, each person has a unique anatomy, experience of arousal, desire threshold, and experience of orgasm. And no matter where we fall on the spectrum of possibilities, we’re normal and healthy just the way we are.

But despite all of the encouraging new information we may learn about our sexual experience, that doesn’t automatically equate to a pleasurable, problem-free sex life. Nagoski argues that when it comes to finding true enjoyment in sex, we must not only understand our own sexuality but also love it for what it is. In other words, we must find confidence and joy in ourselves.

In this final part, we’ll talk about what it means to find confidence and joy, why accepting and appreciating ourselves is so difficult, and what we can do to build a more loving relationship with our sexuality.

Confidence vs. Joy

Although confidence and joy are separate components of an enjoyable sex life, Nagoski believes you can’t have one without the other. Whereas she defines confidence as trusting in...