Book SummaryBetter Small Talk, by Patrick King

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Better Small Talk

In Better Small Talk, Patrick King shows how you can improve the quality of your small talk and use it to shift the conversation into more interesting and meaningful territory. He bases his recommendations on the premise that small talk is a necessary first step of any conversation and that you can’t bypass it and hope to have a successful dialogue with someone. By following his advice, you can enjoy small talk more and harness it to have more engaging, interesting, and entertaining conversations.

Patrick King is a social...

Better Small Talk Summary Why Do I Have to Make Small Talk?

King notes that many people claim to hate small talk and would rather dive into meaningful conversation right away. However, he says you cannot have deep, meaningful conversations with people without first getting to know them through small talk. People generally aren’t willing to share intimately with someone they’ve just met, so small talk is a way to establish familiarity and comfort before getting to more meaningful and personal topics.

Is Technology Affecting Our Ability to Engage in Small Talk?

Some sociologists warn that technology is disrupting how people engage in conversation, both meaningful and superficial, by offering a quick distraction that can pull them away from a conversation as soon as there's a pause. Smartphones in particular offer people a way to be constantly entertained and a way to easily access new entertainment when they become bored with the old (refreshing your social media feed is a prime example of this). These sociologists argue that people have learned to expect human conversations to offer them the same excitement, and they become bored and...

Better Small Talk Summary Prepare to Have Better Conversations

Now that you understand the importance of having small talk, let’s discuss how to have it and how to improve the overall quality of your conversations.

To get better at any sort of conversation, you need to prepare to have it beforehand—in the same way you should warm up your muscles before running a race. Here are five prep techniques King recommends that set you up for greater success in conversations:

Have more low-pressure interactions. When you engage frequently in short, unimportant conversations, you keep your social and conversation muscles warmed up. These interactions can be brief: Simply asking a question or making an observation to another person is sufficient. King suggests, for example, that you make use of mundane interactions with service workers to warm up. It’s part of their job to make you, as a customer, feel good, so there’s little danger of it going awry. Plus, they’re often bored at work and appreciate some light engagement.

(Shortform note: Preparing to have conversations might be even more important in the wake of the Covid-19 pandemic. During the pandemic, when most social interactions took place on screens, [many people felt they simply...

Better Small Talk Summary Starting a Conversation With Small Talk

Once you’ve done some prep work to enhance your conversational abilities, you can begin engaging others in conversation—starting with small talk.

King writes that we’re often afraid of making the first move because we feel we’re intruding. We lack the confidence to simply approach someone and introduce ourselves with the obvious intention of striking up a conversation. One way to get around this fear is to find an excuse to approach someone. This lets you feel that you have a good reason to talk to them and overrides your fear of annoying the other person.

(Shorform note: Another reason we might be hesitant to approach someone we don’t know is because of in-group bias. We tend to prefer being around people who are like us, and this preference might make us reluctant to reach out to someone who has different affiliations. When in-group bias is strong (you find yourself in a group that supports a sports team you despise, for instance) and you don’t even want to find an excuse to talk to them, think about how engaging with people from different groups will [expand your horizons and make you a more tolerant...

Better Small Talk Summary Moving the Conversation Past Small Talk

Once you’ve made some small talk and sense that the other person is interested in engaging further, you can work on moving the conversation forward. King stresses that to keep a conversation going, you must become adept at transitioning to and exploring new topics. If you remain stuck on one topic, the conversation will quickly become boring, and one of you will likely end it.

(Shortform note: It’s important to not misinterpret King’s recommendation to transition to new topics once you’ve covered old ones as a recommendation to fill every silence with chatter. Some people are so anxious about keeping the conversation going that they fill every conversational lull with—usually inane—talk. This is different from transitioning to new topics because it’s fueled by a fear of silence, rather than a desire to sustain dialogue, and often doesn’t lead to enjoyable conversation. Pauses in your conversation aren’t necessarily a sign that the conversation has stalled; rather, they [may actually give both parties the necessary moment to...

Better Small Talk Summary Improving the Quality of Your Conversation Through Storytelling

Now that you’ve mastered the basics of small talk and sustaining dialogue, you can “level up” to being an engaging conversationalist who’s fun to talk to. King asserts that being engaging in conversation simply means being good at telling stories. People would rather hear an interesting story that doesn’t have much to do with what you were talking about than have a predictable exchange.

(Shortform note: Author and story consultant Robert McKee explains why humans are so drawn to stories: Stories add meaning to our lives by showing us important truths about the world. Even a short story told in a conversation can be meaningful to someone else: Telling someone about a terrible date you had speaks to the universal truth that finding true connection with others can be hard and might resonate especially with people in a similar situation.)

King adds that another benefit of storytelling is furnishing details that will resonate with others or paint a picture of who you are. This, in turn, makes people feel more invested in your story and in you. For instance, if you describe feeling “like Homer Simpson” while...

Better Small Talk Summary How to Take Care of Your Conversation Partner

So far, we’ve focused on how you can shine in conversation. But, of course, good conversations can only happen if the other person feels good when they talk to you. So in this final section, we’ll talk about how to ensure your conversation partner feels important and heard and will want to keep engaging with you in the future.

(Shortform note: In Just Listen, psychiatrist Mark Goulston explains why the other person must feel heard and respected in a conversation for that conversation to be of any value. People are constantly thinking about their own lives, feelings, and problems, so to engage with you meaningfully, they must feel you’ve acknowledged and empathized with what’s going on in their lives. Once they feel cared for in this way, they’ll be able to listen to you in turn.)

Make Space for the Other Person to Contribute

One of the most important ways to take care of your conversation partner is to **give them room to contribute by listening well to them and not monopolizing the...

Shortform Exercise: Create Your Own Conversation Résumé

King recommends creating a mental resume of your most interesting life experiences that you can draw on in any conversation. In this exercise, you’ll think about what might go on your conversation résumé and how you can speak about those experiences engagingly.

Reflect on what’s been going on in your week. Has anything interesting happened at work or on the weekend? Write a three-sentence mini-story to describe this experience.