Book SummaryAct Like A Lady Think Like A Man, by Steve Harvey

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man

In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, comedian-turned-relationship guru Steve Harvey offers advice to every woman—whether single, dating, or married—who wants to attract and keep a man. He believes that many women struggle to form long-term relationships because they misunderstand men. To help women solve this problem, Harvey explores what men need, how they think, and how they behave when it comes to dating women and forming lasting relationships—and how women should behave in response to get the dating life they want.

In this guide, we’ll first resolve the common misunderstandings women have about men. Then, we’ll discuss Harvey’s tips for finding a man and how to behave in both the short- and long-term to keep him around. Finally, we’ll discuss Harvey’s strategies for solving issues you might face in a long-term relationship.

How Women Misunderstand Men

According to Harvey, many women’s dating struggles stem from the fact that they don’t understand men. Specifically, they don’t understand 1) what drives men, 2) how men love, 3) what men need from women, and 4) what men don’t want. But, Harvey argues, unless you understand these topics, you won’t know how to respond to the games men often play in relationships and thus risk heartbreak.

(Shortform note: The proliferation of writing that aims to help women understand men suggests Harvey isn’t alone in believing that women struggle in this regard. However, evidence suggests that men struggle to understand women, too—for example, men have difficulty reading women's facial expressions.)

In this section, we’ll explore these four topics to gain a greater understanding of how, according to Harvey, men think and behave.

What Drives Men

Harvey argues that men are all driven by the same motivations. They need to figure out three things to feel like a man: what their job will be, what their title will be because of that job (like “manager”), and how much money they’ll earn. Men are also motivated by the need to feel like they’re in charge in at least one area of their life—like their professional life.

(Shortform note: Experts suggest that male motivation may have different roots than those Harvey explores. For instance, evolutionary biologists argue that men are intrinsically motivated by the desire to reproduce. Moreover, research casts doubt on Harvey’s assertion that all men are driven by the same factors. In fact, one study on what motivates employees in the workplace couldn’t identify any factors that successfully motivated all participants. Rather, each employee was motivated by a unique mix of factors—which suggests that the same may be true of men, too.)

How Men Love

Harvey believes that one of the best things you can do to have a happy relationship with men is to learn how men love. He argues that a man’s love can be boiled down to three actions. (Shortform note: Other authors have highlighted other ways that men demonstrate their love for their partner. For instance, one relationship blogger lists 10 ways in which men often show their love, like being willing to compromise.)

1) He publicly uses terms of endearment. Harvey states that men like to stake claim to things. So if he introduces you to people he cares about with a title—like girlfriend—he’s letting them all know you’re his. (Shortform note: A 1993 study suggests that people who use terms of endearment may have happier relationships.)

2) He looks after you. Harvey argues that a man who loves you will try to provide for you financially—and if he can’t, he’ll try to look after you in other ways, like by trying to fix your broken refrigerator. (Shortform note: In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman argues that everybody uses one of five different “languages” to express and understand their love. The love language of a man who looks after you may be “acts of service”: He expresses love by doing things that make your life easier.)

3) He keeps you safe. According to Harvey, if a man loves you, you’re his most prized possession, so he’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you. (Shortform note: Evolutionary biologists often refer to actions your man takes to protect you as “mate guarding,” which stems from your man’s biological drive to ensure that other men don’t steal his mate.)

What Men Need From Women

Harvey argues that you only need to do three things for your man to keep him happy:

1) Create a supportive home environment. Harvey argues that men need a woman who’ll relieve the stress in their everyday lives by expressing appreciation for them—not one who’ll create more stress by being unsupportive or uncaring.

2) Stand by him, always. Harvey asserts that a man who knows you’ll stand by his side, stay faithful, and support him no matter what is one who’ll stay loyal to you, too.

(Shortform note: Harvey’s first two ideas about what men need from women closely align with those of John Gray,...

Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man Summary Shortform Introduction

In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey offers advice to every woman—whether single, dating, or married—who wants to attract and keep a man. He believes that many women struggle to form long-term relationships because they misunderstand men. To help women solve this problem, Harvey explores what men need, how they think, and how they behave when it comes to dating women and forming lasting relationships.

Ultimately, Harvey wants women to be able to “think like a man” while still “acting like a lady”—in other words, for women to understand and appeal to the male psyche while maintaining their femininity.

About the Author

Steve Harvey is an entertainer, broadcaster, and author. After breaking into the entertainment industry as a stand-up comedian in the 1990s, he soon transitioned into radio and television presenting roles. He’s perhaps best known for presenting the television game show Family Feud and the nationally-broadcast radio program The Steve Harvey Morning Show. Harvey has won numerous awards for his television work, including six Daytime Emmy Awards.

**Since the late 2000s, Harvey has gained a...

Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man Summary Part 1: Understand Men | Introduction, Chapters 1-4: The Male Psyche

According to Steve Harvey, many women’s dating struggles stem from the fact that they don’t understand men. Specifically, they don’t understand:

1. What drives men
2. How men love
3. What men need from women
4. What men don’t want

Harvey argues that this lack of understanding puts women at risk of manipulation and heartbreak at the hands of men. After all, he notes, if you don’t understand men, you won’t know how to respond to the games they often play in relationships.

(Shortform note: The proliferation of writing that aims to help women understand men suggests Harvey isn’t alone in believing that women struggle in this regard. However, evidence suggests that men don’t always understand women, either. For instance, according to one scientific study, men may struggle to understand how women feel because [they have difficulty...

Shortform Exercise: Gain Clarity on Your Past Relationships

Now that you know how a man shows love, what does this make you think about your past relationships?

Think about a long-term relationship that ended in the past. In what ways did your ex make you feel loved?

Shortform Exercise: Who Are You in Relationships?

It’s easy to believe you’re doing everything right in a relationship and be confused when it ends. But are you sure you were doing the right things for your man?

What are some ways you try to show love in your relationships?

Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man Summary Part 2: Find and Keep a Man | Chapters 5-6, 9, 13: Tips for Getting a Man

In this second part of the guide, we’ll examine Harvey’s strategies for finding and keeping a man. In this chapter, we’ll specifically explore his tips for the first stage in any relationship: actually getting a man in the first place.

Figure Out What He Wants

According to Harvey, the first thing to consider when you start to date a man is what he wants from you. Does he want to pursue you in the hopes of starting a relationship—or, is he just interested in sleeping with you? Harvey argues that in the vast majority of cases, it’s the latter scenario. Most men only want to have a fun, physical fling with you, and if you expect more from them—in other words, commitment—you’ll only be disappointed.

(Shortform note: Why might a man shy away from commitment and pursue only casual relationships? According to clinical psychologist Diana Kirschner, men who eschew commitment often do so out of fear. This fear can manifest in various ways, including fear of rejection, fear of not meeting expectations, or fear of revealing their flaws. Kirschner argues that...

Shortform Exercise: Learn What Your Behavior Says About You

The moment you first meet a man, he’ll start analyzing your behavior to figure out whether you want a long-term relationship or a casual fling. Reflect on what your present behavior around men says about you.

What is your first instinct when a man approaches you, and how do you behave?

Shortform Exercise: Set Your Standards for Your Life

It’s not easy to be clear about what you need from a man when you’re still getting to know him. But setting standards can save you a world of trouble down the road with the wrong man.

Have you ever taken the initiative to set standards up front in your relationship? Why or why not?

Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man Summary Chapters 11-12, 16, 20: Tips for the Early Stages of a Relationship

So, you’ve found a man, and you’ve both decided to give dating a try—what next? In this section, we’ll discuss Harvey’s tips for how to behave in the early stages of a relationship to ensure its long-term success: Namely, withhold sex for the first three months, introduce him to your children, and meet his family.

Withhold Sex for the First Three Months

If you’re looking for a committed relationship, Harvey recommends that you withhold sex for the first 90 days. Harvey contends that sex is a privilege of being with you, not a right—and you should evaluate him for 90 days to determine whether he’s worthy of that benefit. In this section, we’ll discuss why you should wait for 90 days—and how to get successfully to Day 91.

Why 90 Days?

Why 90 days? Harvey presents two reasons.

First, Harvey notes, 90 days is enough time to weed out any men who are looking solely for sex. But if he’s solely interested in sex, his patience will wane before 90 days is up and he’ll leave. In contrast, a man who will prove his worth to you for 90 days without sex is a man who respects you and as such is someone worth investing your time in.

Second, Harvey...

Shortform Exercise: Is Sex Important?

Waiting to have sex with someone new can feel like torture, and you may not think it’s worth it. The decision comes down to the importance you place on sex in relationships.

Think of a time you made a man wait to sleep with you. Why did you make him wait?

Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man Summary Chapters 10, 14, 19: Tips for Long-Term Commitment

Now that you know what to do in the early stages of a relationship, we’ll explore Harvey’s tips for longer relationships. In this chapter, you’ll learn how to evaluate whether he’s worth a long-term commitment, how to tell whether you’re ready for marriage, and how to get him to propose if you are.

How to Evaluate His Long-Term Potential

Harvey argues that if you’re considering a long-term commitment with someone, you must ask him to clarify his intentions up-front. While Harvey recognizes that most women don’t do this out of fear of pushing men away, he contends that you must take this risk so that you don’t waste your time in a relationship with no future.

(Shortform note: If you’re ashamed of your desire for a long-term relationship because you think you should be satisfied without a man, you may also struggle to ask a man what his intentions are. If so, keep in mind what Levine and Heller note in Attached: In actuality, having a partner who fulfills your emotional needs helps you thrive because they make you feel safe enough to take bolder risks.)...

Shortform Exercise: Are You Ready for Marriage?

Wanting to be married and being ready to be a good life partner are two different things. How can you be sure you’re ready?

Do you like things to be a particular way, or are you open to change and compromise? Explain your preference.

Shortform Exercise: Make Your Man Commit

Many women want to wear the white dress and promise their love to someone in front of their family and friends. If this is you, how can you make this happen?

Have you ever been married or engaged? If yes, what led to your man proposing? If not and you’ve been in committed relationships, why have you never gotten to that next step?

Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man Summary Part 3: Resolve Issues | Chapters 7-8, 15, 17-18: Common Dating Issues

In the third part of the guide, we’ll explore Harvey’s strategies for facing various common dating issues. Namely, we’ll discuss how to handle infidelity and sexual issues, his relationships with other women in his life, and career-related issues you may face.

How to Handle Infidelity

As Harvey notes, both men and women understand that cheating is wrong, so why does it happen so often? In this section, we’ll discuss why men cheat, and what you should do if your man cheats on you.

Why Men Are Unfaithful

Harvey contends that men cheat for several reasons—and by understanding these reasons, you may be able to avoid situations in which your man is likely to cheat.

Harvey’s reasons why men cheat include the following:

Because they believe sex is just sex. Men are taught that sex can be a purely physical act without emotion attached. As such, a man can feel justified having sex with one person while being completely in love with someone else because in his mind, the two are not connected: Having sex with another woman has no bearing on his feelings for you.

Because they believe they’re smart enough to hide it from you. And because it’s just sex, if you...

Shortform Exercise: What’s Your Balance Between Work and Love?

Women are often expected to put their dreams on hold for a man, but your success is nothing to be ashamed of.

Think of a recent time when your job came into conflict with your relationship. Describe the scenario.

Shortform Exercise: Find the Relationship You Want

We all want someone to love, but finding the right relationship sometimes feels as likely as winning the lottery.

How has Harvey’s advice and guidance helped change how you think about men and how to approach them?