Book Summary4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication, by Bento C. Leal III

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication

In 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication, Bento C. Leal III explains that healthy relationships depend on the ability to effectively and empathetically listen and express ourselves to others. However, many people struggle with these abilities because they’re focused on their own thoughts rather than the person they’re speaking with. When resultant communication errors take place, it's common for misunderstandings and hurt feelings to arise and for important problems to go unresolved, ultimately damaging relationships. To avoid communication faux pas and the damage they do to relationships, Leal argues that you must integrate empathy into every step of the communication process.

Leal is a best-selling author and relationship skills trainer. From 2005 to 2020, he taught relationship and communication skills as part of a California nonprofit, working with faith-based organizations, family resource centers, county jails, and federal prisons. He’s also the author of the poetry book *[Band of...

4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication Summary Ability #1: Take an Empathetic Perspective

Leal explains that taking an empathetic perspective is the first ability of effective communication. Having empathy is understanding someone’s feelings and experiences from their perspective rather than your own. An empathetic perspective is a frame of mind in which you believe everyone deserves empathy due to their inherent worthiness as unique individuals.

Developing an empathetic perspective is the first ability you must learn because it enables you to listen to others with your undivided attention—the foundation of the other two abilities. When you see someone as unique and having inherent worth, their words hold importance. When you view someone’s words as important, you’ll want to listen closely so that you fully understand them. This internal desire to listen to the other person makes it much easier to give them your full attention, avoid distraction, and gain a complete understanding of their words.

(Shortform note: Some experts agree that empathy is a crucial ingredient, if not the most important ingredient, for moral action and effective communication. Taking an...

4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication Summary Ability #2: Listen With Empathy

The second ability of effective communication is listening to others with empathy. Listening with empathy has three components: giving the other person your undivided attention, gaining an accurate understanding of their perspective, and making them feel heard and understood.

Leal explains that if you’re unable to listen to another person with empathy, it’s impossible to gain an accurate and complete understanding of their perspective. This prevents you from being able to respond to them appropriately (a key element of Ability #3) and reach a satisfactory end to the conversation.

When we fail to listen to another person empathetically, we’re likely to engage in communication practices that damage our relationship, such as:

• Interrupting the other person or finishing their sentences because we think we know what they’re going to say
• Providing unsolicited advice when the other person actually needs support
• Responding in a way that diminishes the other person’s feelings or experiences
• Responding to a minor point rather than the main idea and going off-topic

Perspectives on Empathetic Listening

The concept of empathetic listening was largely...

4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication Summary Ability #3: Express Yourself With Empathy

Once you’ve listened to the other person, you must be able to respond to what they’ve said and express yourself effectively. Leal argues that doing so requires you to express yourself with empathy—the last ability of effective communication. Expressing yourself with empathy means clearly and accurately vocalizing your emotions and thoughts in a way that makes the other person willing to listen.

Leal explains that failing to express yourself with empathy often leads to misunderstandings or offenses that can damage relationships. This issue is especially prevalent when people are upset or discussing sensitive topics. When emotions are running high, people tend to speak before thinking and can say offensive, confusing, or inaccurate things.

For example, if you’re angry at your partner for continuing to ignore their chores, your strong emotions might lead you to yell at them and accuse them of being lazy. This might cause your partner to resent you and ultimately damage your relationship.

Life-Alienating Communication—the Opposite of Empathetic Expression

In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall B....

Shortform Exercise: Plan How to Respond Empathetically in a Conversation

Leal explains that the ultimate goal of communicating with others is to fully understand them and their needs and for them to fully understand you and your needs. To accomplish this, you must show the other person that you understand them and then effectively express your own thoughts and feelings. This exercise will help you identify how you can improve your ability to take an empathetic perspective, listen with empathy, and express yourself with empathy.

Consider a conversation you’ve had recently that didn’t reach a satisfactory conclusion or harmed your relationship with the other person. Describe what happened and what the outcome was.