Podcasts > This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil > 195 / Finding (And Using) Your Voice with Amy Green Smith

195 / Finding (And Using) Your Voice with Amy Green Smith

By Nicole Kalil

In the latest episode of "This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil," empowerment coach Amy Green Smith joins Kalil to unpack the complexities of owning your voice. The conversation ventures beyond just articulating thoughts—it enters the realm of setting boundaries, asserting preferences, and managing the repercussions of speaking out in a world where self-censorship often wins. Emphasizing on personal integrity and the weight of societal expectations, they dissect what it truly means to claim one's voice amidst external pressures.

With a focus on the ways people-pleasing and perfectionism impede self-expression, the episode highlights the different manifestations of silencing one's desires. Nicole and Amy discuss the psychological underpinnings of these behaviors, touching upon self-worth and defensive mechanisms, while presenting practical steps to combat them. They stress on the small yet impactful ways to assert opinions and encourage listeners to respect their preferences in daily life, suggesting that through embracing our voice authentically, we can gradually undo the need for external validation.

Listen to the original

195 / Finding (And Using) Your Voice with Amy Green Smith

This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 4, 2024 episode of the This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil

Sign up for Shortform to access the whole episode summary along with additional materials like counterarguments and context.

195 / Finding (And Using) Your Voice with Amy Green Smith

1-Page Summary

Owning Your Voice

Owning Your Voice constitutes more than expressing oneself; it's about establishing boundaries, asserting preferences, and effectively managing the consequences of speaking up. Amy Green Smith and Kalil delve into the nuance of this concept, addressing its multifaceted nature in terms of personal integrity and the societal pressures that often constrain it.

What does it mean to find your voice?

Amy Green Smith insists that finding one's voice involves addressing the issues that cause one to complain but are often met with silence. For Smith, raising one’s voice is an act of confronting the problems head-on, suggesting that if a matter is significant enough to complain about, it should be equally important to invoke action about.

Nuances around people-pleasing

On the topic of people-pleasing, Smith connects it to an inherent lack of self-worth, where individuals prioritize others over themselves, damaging their integrity and suppressing their genuine desires. This behavior is deeply ingrained in the belief of not being worthy or adequate. Additionally, Smith throws light on the aspect of people-pleasing as a "fawn response," a defensive mechanism rooted in past traumas, used to evade conflict and maintain security.

Perfectionism and people-pleasing hold us back

Smith and Kalil explore how perfectionism stymies individual expression. Kalil reveals her personal struggles with muting her voice from the fear of being perceived as overbearing, which is particularly prevalent in femmes due to cultural pressures.

People-pleasing shows up differently for different people

The expression of people-pleasing varies amongst individuals – some may withhold their thoughts, others over-compensate in expressing them, or become overly accommodating, neglecting their own needs. Smith notes that the dread of being criticized as "too loud" or "too quiet" coerces many into self-censorship.

Small ways to flex voice and opinions matter

Smith advocates for the simple act of expressing disagreement or taking offense as a way of asserting oneself. She also encourages recognizing one's inclinations even in trivial matters, like choosing a restaurant, to reinforce the importance of one's preferences. Further, she urges people to own their statements and apologize only for poorly chosen communication, not for the stance itself, with Kalil underscoring the significance of respectful communication while holding firm to one’s opinions.

Through introspection, a conscious effort to combat people-pleasing tendencies, and the practice of daily assertiveness, one can truly own their voice. This process, as presented by Smith and Kalil, is an endeavor to live authentically, free from the confines of constant external approval.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • The "fawn response" is a term used in psychology to describe a coping mechanism where individuals prioritize others' needs over their own to avoid conflict or seek approval. It is often seen as a survival strategy developed in response to past traumas or experiences of feeling unsafe. This behavior involves being overly accommodating, suppressing personal desires, and seeking to maintain harmony in relationships. The fawn response can stem from a deep-seated belief of unworthiness and a fear of rejection or abandonment.
  • Perfectionism can lead to muting one's voice as individuals fear being judged for not meeting impossibly high standards, causing them to hold back their thoughts and opinions to avoid criticism or rejection. The constant pursuit of flawlessness can create a barrier to authentic self-expression, as individuals may prioritize appearing perfect over speaking up honestly. This fear of not being perceived as perfect can result in self-censorship and reluctance to assert one's true thoughts and feelings. The pressure to meet unrealistic standards can overshadow the importance of owning one's voice and expressing oneself authentically.
  • People-pleasing behavior can manifest in various ways, such as withholding thoughts, overcompensating in expressing opinions, or being overly accommodating at the expense of one's own needs. This behavior often stems from a deep-seated fear of criticism or rejection, leading individuals to engage in self-censorship to avoid negative judgment. Some may struggle with finding a balance between asserting themselves and maintaining harmonious relationships, resulting in a tendency to prioritize others' preferences over their own. Understanding these different manifestations can help individuals recognize and address their people-pleasing tendencies effectively.
  • Recognizing and owning preferences in trivial matters is crucial as it helps individuals practice asserting themselves in low-stakes situations, which can build confidence for more significant decisions. It reinforces the idea that every preference matters, no matter how small, and validates one's autonomy in decision-making. This practice can also serve as a stepping stone towards developing a stronger sense of self-awareness and self-advocacy. By acknowledging and owning preferences in trivial matters, individuals can cultivate a habit of honoring their own needs and desires, contributing to a more authentic and empowered way of living.
  • Apologizing for poorly chosen communication means expressing regret for how something was said, not for the actual opinion or belief itself. It emphasizes taking responsibility for the way a message was delivered rather than the content of the message. This approach separates acknowledging a mistake in communication from compromising one's stance or viewpoint. It encourages individuals to stand by their beliefs while being mindful of how they communicate them.

Counterarguments

  • While establishing boundaries is important, it's also necessary to recognize that flexibility can be beneficial in relationships and communication.
  • Taking action on every issue that causes complaints may not always be practical or beneficial; sometimes, strategic silence or choosing battles wisely is more effective.
  • People-pleasing behavior can sometimes be a strategic choice rather than solely stemming from a lack of self-worth or past traumas.
  • Perfectionism, while potentially limiting, can also drive high standards and excellence, which can be positive in moderation.
  • Self-censorship can be a form of social tact and diplomacy, which is sometimes necessary for maintaining harmony in personal and professional settings.
  • Expressing disagreement is not always the best course of action; sometimes, it's more appropriate to seek common ground or understand the other perspective.
  • Asserting preferences in trivial matters might not always be necessary and can sometimes come across as inflexible or self-centered.
  • Apologizing for poorly chosen communication is important, but there are situations where apologizing for the stance itself may be appropriate if new information or perspectives are presented.
  • While combating people-pleasing tendencies is generally positive, being accommodating and considerate of others' needs is also a valuable trait.
  • Seeking internal validation is important, but external feedback can also be a valuable tool for personal growth and improvement.

Get access to the context and additional materials

So you can understand the full picture and form your own opinion.
Get access for free
195 / Finding (And Using) Your Voice with Amy Green Smith

Owning Your Voice

Amy Green Smith and Kalil delve into the concept of finding one's voice, highlighting that it's not just about self-expression but also involves setting boundaries, asserting preferences, and dealing with the aftermath of speaking out.

What does it mean to find your voice?

Amy Green Smith discusses how to find your voice by identifying areas where you consistently complain but remain silent about the issues that truly bother you. If something is important enough to complain about, it's worth speaking up and taking action to address it, she argues.

Nuances around people-pleasing

Smith explains that people-pleasing often stems from a lack of self-worth, highlighting how people habitually put others' needs before their own. This tendency sends a harmful message to oneself that others' desires are more important, thereby diminishing one's integrity and suppressing one's true desires.

  • Comes from lack of self-worth

Amy Green Smith discusses how people-pleasing behaviors negatively impact personal integrity and desire. These behaviors can reflect a deep-seated belief of not being deserving or enough.

  • Also a defense mechanism or survival tactic

Smith further outlines that people-pleasing can also be a "fawn response," a survival tactic to avoid conflict and ensure safety. It can trace back to childhood experiences, like pacifying an abusive parent, and manifest later in life as a strategy to prevent discord.

Perfectionism and people-pleasing hold us back

Smith and Kalil discuss the adverse effects of being a perfectionist. Kalil shares her struggle with dimming her voice for fear of being seen as "too much," a tendency especially common among femmes due to societal expectations.

People-pleasing shows up differently for different people

People-pleasing can manifest in various forms: some may silence themselves, while others may become overly vocal or take on the role of caretaker to the detriment of their own needs. Smith emphasizes that the fear of being labeled as "too loud" or "too quiet" leads many to self-censor.

Small ways to flex voice and opinions matter

  • Simply stating differing opinion

Smith suggests that simply stating when you find something offensive or disagree with an opinion is a form of assertiveness.

  • Having an opinion even if you ...

Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary

Registered users get access to the Full Podcast Summary and Additional Materials. It’s easy and free!
Start your free trial today

Owning Your Voice

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • A "fawn response" is a survival tactic where individuals prioritize appeasing others to avoid conflict or harm. It often stems from past experiences, like dealing with abusive situations, and can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing behavior. This response involves prioritizing others' needs over one's own to maintain safety and avoid confrontation. It is a coping mechanism that can impact personal boundaries and self-expression.
  • Dimming one's voice for fear of being seen as "too much" often relates to individuals feeling the need to tone down their opinions, emotions, or personality to avoid standing out or being perceived as overwhelming. This behavior can stem from societal expectations, personal insecurities, or past experiences where being assertive led to negative reactions. It reflects a struggle between expressing oneself authentically and conforming to perceived norms of acceptability. The fear of being judged as excessive or overly assertive can lead individuals to suppress their true thoughts and feelings, hindering their ability to fully own and express their voice.
  • Self-censorship due to fear of being labeled as "too loud" or "too quiet" is about individuals holding back their true thoughts or feelings because they worry about ...

Counterarguments

  • People-pleasing may not always stem from a lack of self-worth; it can also be a strategic choice in certain social or professional contexts to maintain harmony or achieve specific goals.
  • Asserting one's voice and preferences is important, but there are situations where compromise or silence can be a more effective strategy for long-term relationship building or conflict resolution.
  • Perfectionism, while potentially limiting in some aspects, can also drive individuals to achieve high standards and produce quality work, which can be beneficial in various fields.
  • The concept of "finding your voice" may not resonate with everyone, as some individuals may not feel they have lost or need to find their voice, or they may not prioritize vocal self-expression in the same way.
  • The advice to express opinions even when indifferent could lead to unnecessary conflict or decision fatigue; sometimes, deferring to others' preferences can be a way to show care or prioritize collective decision-making.
  • Apolo ...

Get access to the context and additional materials

So you can understand the full picture and form your own opinion.
Get access for free

Create Summaries for anything on the web

Download the Shortform Chrome extension for your browser

Shortform Extension CTA