#770: Elizabeth Gilbert — How to Set Strong Boundaries, Overcome Purpose Anxiety, and Find Your Deep Inner Voice

Elizabeth Gilbert delves into how developing self-compassion and nurturing a compassionate inner voice are crucial for emotional well-being and challenges the idea that relentless self-improvement should be the foremost priority.

Developing an inner voice of unconditional love and acceptance

Writing a "letter from love" as a practice to counter self-criticism and shame

Speaking from personal experience, Elizabeth Gilbert shares her method of combating deep depression and prevailing shame using a practice she has maintained for over two decades. During her divorce at 30, Gilbert felt like a failure, incapable of meeting societal expectations. One night, as if receiving a divine message, she was compelled to write a letter filled with the words of unconditional love she desperately needed to hear. This inner voice of unconditional love manifested into letters assuring unwavering support, love, and acceptance, regardless of her actions or achievements. Gilbert has found this practice of writing a "letter from love" to be a powerful tool in routinely catching herself before emotional descent.

One approach that Gilbert discusses is two-way prayer—an exercise in which you address an opening statement to love and allow the response to start with an endearment. This practice allows the kind of love expressed in these letters to be unearned, instead fulfilling innate desires for love—be it maternal, paternal, or from an affirming partner.

Gilbert also invites others to engage in this practice. She shares that Arshay Cooper, a special guest on her Substack, wrote a heartfelt letter to his younger self, showcasing tenderness and care in an environment fraught with challenges.

Prioritizing self-friendliness over self-improvement

Gilbert contemplates the pressures of incessant self-improvement, encouraging an alternative approach of self-friendliness. She questions the notion that life must be perfected swiftly or maintained in consistent ascent. Gilbert suggests that recognizing the complexity of managing the myriad systems of the body and the difficulties of life warrants a kinder, more empathetic treatment of oneself.

She discusses the importance of internal family systems therapy (IFS) and shifts from questioning how one feels "about" themselves to how they feel "toward" themselves, paving the way for built-in empathy. Tim Ferriss affirms this approach, noting how empathy is inherently present when one is considering their feelings toward themselves, leading to a more compassionate and positive line of thinking.

Gilbert advises against the lofty concept of self-love and instead offers the simpler notion of showing oneself co ...

The discourse between Gilbert and Ferriss dissects the ingrained societal quest for purpose and legacy, countering it with the more serene doctrine of presence and fleeting service.

Critiquing the pressure to find a singular life purpose and leave a grand legacy

Gilbert criticizes the widely accepted belief that everyone must discover a unique, singular purpose that defines their life's work. This discovery process is expected to happen early in life, and the individual should ideally excel, monetize this purpose, create opportunities for others, and leave a world-changing legacy.

She compares this fixation on legacy to the story of Ozymandias, suggesting that, much like the fleeting significance of great historical figures whose legacies fade over time, our own pursuits of everlasting impact may be ultimately insignificant. Similarly, Tim Ferriss discusses the fleeting nature of legacy, stating that even though individuals like Alexander the Great are historically significant, most people can't even say his full name, thus questioning the worth of an intense focus on legacy.

Questioning the need to constantly improve and maximize impact

Ferriss reflects on the unnecessary pressure people face to constantly improve and maximize their impact. He also critiques the expectation to find a singular life purpose to leave behind an enduring legacy. Gilbert experienced a crisis point due to societal pressure to constantly improve and follow a planned path, leading her to question the vital need for an orchestrated life and sharing moments when her internal voice reassured her against these external demands.

Gilbert sees the pursuit of a purpose-driven life as an exhausting system of beliefs hallmarked by male and capitalistic traits, inducing anxiety even among those who have ostensibly reached significant purpose. She understands the urge to leave a significant mark as a capitalist attitude, equating to a perpetual sense of never having enough.

Embracing a mindset of presence and openness to unexpected moments of service

Gilbert advocates for a life of presence - being open and attentive to the current moment rather than being constantly focused on future achievements or legacies. This ethos allows for unexpected moments of service, where one trusts they will be "notified" when there's something important for them to do. Such moments might not be grand or part of a larger plan but serve a purpose in their own right.

Gilbert discusses her trust in a higher power that guides her to what is and isn't her responsibility. She waits for this guidance, an indication to be "notified," as a way to serve when needed rather than pursuing self-centered ambitions. Through a story shared at the Omega Institute, Ferriss illustrates the preference for a mindset of presence over purpose-driven activities.

Prioritizing bound ...

Elizabeth Gilbert discusses the profound role that spirituality and mysticism have played in her life and its influence on her daily practices.

Accessing a sense of awe, wonder, and mystery through spiritual practices

From a young age, Elizabeth Gilbert experienced a powerful awareness of God, distinct from her time in a mellow New England church. A visit to the National Cathedral at age 10 left her absorbed in awe, and this sensation of wonder and mystery propelled her to writing and the arts as conduits to the divine. This spiritual connection became a daily practice over the last 20 years, where she writes letters from unconditional love, associating it with the presence of God.

She encourages reading poets like Rumi, Hafiz, Mary Oliver, and Walt Whitman to touch the divine presence they channeled. For her two-way prayer process, Gilbert centers on one question and listens, embodying a humble and receptive state. Meditation and two-way prayer relax her nervous system, connecting her to something greater, she describes. Even before she took up meditation, Gilbert found that writing gave her a sense of being both present and absent, akin to what meditation promised.

Believing in a loving, benevolent higher power that orchestrates life's unfolding

Gilbert believes she is adored "beyond measure by a magnificent, complex, amused God," which shapes her practice of writing letters for divine guidance filled with direction, guidance, and humor. She portrays this higher power with endearment, preferring a God full of laughter and love rather than severity. She asks, "What would you have me know?" exhibiting surrender to a higher will.

She recounts a breakdown as redirection from a higher force, trusting it even when it contradicts societal norms. This trust opposes the pervasive message of self-improvement with nourishment from a consistent foundation of love and acceptance.

Surrender manifests in her acceptance that she controls "practically nothing," seeing surrender as a challenge for many, especially women. Gilbert's prayers and meditations suggest a benevolent and loving force which often grants permission to disengage, though it can also push for perseverance, indicative of a loving yet guiding higher power.

Integrating my ...