How to Make Friends as an Adult

Drew Birnie and Mark Manson explore the intricate nature of friendship, pointing out that its complexity lies in our biology and neural functioning.

Friendship Is a Biologically-Based Adaptive Strategy

Friendship is examined from an evolutionary perspective, identifying its role as an adaptive strategy for survival.

Reciprocal Altruism Key to Evolutionary Group Survival

Darwin feared that behaviors like helping creatures who are not genetically related could undermine his theory of evolution because they seemed inconsistent with the principle of survival of the fittest. This puzzle vexed scientists for over a century until game theory and political science in the 1980s introduced the concept of iterative prisoner's dilemmas, where mutual cooperation can lead to better outcomes for both parties in the long term.

Friendships Enhance Information, Risk, and Collective Action Networks

Mark Manson describes friendships as the "original information networks," with cooperation leading to the sharing of information, pooling of risk, and collective action. These aspects of friendships act as an insurance policy, enabling individuals to take risks, knowing they are supported by others. If one person succeeds in a high-risk task, they can share the rewards with the group.

Neurological Mechanisms: Synchrony, Homophily, and Mirror Neurons in Friendship's Emotional and Cognitive Basis

The hosts discuss neural synchrony in friendships, where friends display similar neural responses to the same stimuli. Neurohomophily refers to the attraction towards others with similar brain functions. The conversation also touches on homophily, the tendency to like people who are similar to oneself in terms of appearance, interests, and other attributes.

Health Benefits of Friendship Are Significant

Friendship offers protection against various health issues and acts as a stress buffer.

Friendship and Social Connection Lower Mortality, Boost Immunity, Reduce Inflammation, and Decrease Chronic Health Risks

Social connections lower mortality rates, improve immune function, and reduce inflammation, leading to decreased chronic health risks. As people age, a robust social network becomes critical for managing health issues and other medical needs.

Friendship "Buffers" Em ...

The dynamics of friendships follow a distinctive path, evolving with life stages, and the quality of these friendships changes as individuals grow and their circumstances alter.

Friendship Follows a Predictable Path Across the Lifespan

Friendships progress through recognized stages from childhood to old age, each with its requisite features and complexities.

Childhood Friendships: Proximity, Play, Belonging

From birth to 12 years old, friendships revolve around activities, play, and proximity. Attachment systems form, setting the stage for how children engage with friends—whether securely, anxiously, or avoidantly. Around 5 to 7 years, children typically find their first "best friend" and begin to identify their social standing as they join peer groups. It's a time for learning social skills, including sharing, cooperation, and how to belong in a group.

Adolescent Friendships: Key to Identity, Support, Status, and Romantic Tensions

Adolescent friendships become central to emotional life, as these young individuals start distancing themselves from their parents and relying more on peers for identity and emotional support. This stage marks an intensified peer influence, increased pressure, and the inception of risk-taking behaviors. Friendships are a stage for bonding, with a lot of attention given to social hierarchy and status games that are superficial and sometimes toxic. This maturing process eventually leads to a realization of what true friendship is not.

Young Adult Friendships Offer Crucial Emotional and Practical Support For Independence

In young adulthood, Birnie points out the importance of deeper friendships. These relationships offer vital emotional and practical support as individuals venture further from their family circle. Young adults experience transitions that can lead to significant changes in their social groups, often causing jarring emotional experiences.

Friendship Formation in Middle Adulthood Is Challenging Due to More Responsibilities and Transitions

Middle adulthood introduces more responsibilities, such as parenting and career focus, which can impede friendship formation. The "infrastructure" for making friends like in school or college no longer exists, and friendships often get pushed aside for these responsibilities. Friend groups may shrink but also become more intentional as individuals realize the effort needed to maintain friendships.

In Older Adulthood, Friendships Are Valued For Themselves and as Resilience Sources

Older adults prioritize relationships and friendships, realizing their importance and often focusing on them over career pursuits. Friendships at this stage give life meaning and are embraced as sources of resilience.

Quality and Nature of F ...

Modern life, with its fast pace and evolving demands, has altered the landscape of friendship. Various societal trends and psychological biases have compounded the challenges in forming and maintaining meaningful friendships.

Trends Make Forming and Maintaining Friendships Difficult

In a world where work, mobility, and family demands capture most of our waking hours, forming and nurturing friendships becomes exceedingly challenging.

Work, Mobility, and Family Demands Limit Time For Friendships

Mark Manson and his wife observed their different standards for friendship and noted how personal criteria greatly affect one’s social circle. Manson points out that balancing work and family in modern adulthood often leaves friendships as an afterthought. The rise of time poverty due to career-focused lifestyles, long working hours, and intensive parenting limits opportunities for social interaction and the nurturing of friendships. This results in an alarming increase in solo time and a significant decrease in socializing over the past few decades.

Birnie acknowledges how parenthood, with its increased responsibilities, particularly swallows up time that once went into friendships. Peak life experiences and spontaneous adventures, which can cement friendships, are all too rare amidst adult obligations.

Decline of Civic Institutions and "Third Places" Erodes Friendship Hubs

Manson and Birnie lament the loss of "third places" such as cafes and libraries and note the decline of civic institutions that once brought communities together. The collapse of traditional community hubs, like churches and various clubs, has stripped away much of the social structure previous generations relied on. Increases in geographic mobility and frequent life transitions disrupt the continuity required for friend relationships to flourish.

Challenges of Social Media and Digital Technology in Genuine Connection and Disclosure

With the advent of digital technology, the avenues for making and keeping friends have greatly expanded, yet the depth of these connections is often questioned. The privatization of life through smartphones creates scenarios where people can be physically close yet emotionally distant, as they remain absorbed in their digital worlds. Birnie and Manson delineate the pitfalls of a society that celebrates isolation, epitomized by the trend of "cansellation," and the performative nature of social media that fosters transactional rather than genuine interactions.

Psychological and Cultural Biases Also Hinder Modern Friendship

Expectations and biases shape our approach to friendships in ways that may not always be conducive to their longevity and quality.

Unrealistic Friendship Expectations, "Equality Paradox", and Transactional Treatment Undermine Development

The lofty expectations people have for friendships can stunt their growth. Manson proposes that n ...

Understanding the complexities of human connection, Mark Manson and Drew Birnie engage in an insightful conversation on the intricacies of forming and maintaining friendships. They explore practices that could lead to stronger, more genuine bonds.

Making Friends: Proximity, Exposure, Disclosure

Friendship, at its core, is about shared experiences and interests. Proximity forms the "container" of potential friendships, with exposure and disclosure being key practices in forming those friendships.

Join Groups/Activities For Values, Not Convenience

Manson advocates for joining groups based on deep personal interests rather than convenience, suggesting that longevity in friendships comes from shared values. For instance, engaging in volunteer work at an animal shelter could lead to friendships with people who are compassionate and open to new connections.

Initiating Contact, Following Up, and Patience Are Key to Growing Friendships

Manson and Birnie stress the importance of consistent efforts to grow friendships. Initiating contact, following up, and being patient are fundamental. Patience is encouraged, with an emphasis on the time it takes to move from acquaintances to friends, which can be as much as 50 hours to become an acquaintance and 90 hours to become a friend.

Maintaining and Deepening Friendships Requires Effort and Investment

Friendships thrive on mutual effort and investment. By dropping the "scorecard" mentality and fostering vulnerability, individuals can cultivate long-standing, non-transactional friendships.

Eliminating "Scorecard" Mindset and Toxic, Codependent Dynamics

Discussing the toxic tendencies in some relationships, Manson highlights the importance of healthy boundaries to avoid being enmeshed in a friend's drama. Ending toxic relationships, particularly the "scorecard" behavior, can lead to more genuine connections.

Being Vulnerable and Making Time For Friends Pays Dividends

The conversation explores the notion that deep connections are fostered through shared emotional experiences and vulnerability. Continuous communication and shared experiences, such as overcoming hardships together or ...