How to Let Go of Your Shame
In this episode of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Podcast, Mark Manson and Drew Birnie examine shame's role as an evolutionary survival mechanism and its effects on human behavior. They explore how shame manifests in the body, triggers specific brain regions, and leads to various coping responses, while discussing how early childhood experiences shape lifelong shame patterns.
The conversation covers different therapeutic approaches for addressing shame, from traditional Freudian psychoanalysis to modern methods like CBT and Internal Family Systems. Manson and Birnie also analyze how social media and technology have transformed the experience of shame in modern society, offering practical strategies—such as the Stoic "view from above" technique—for maintaining perspective when dealing with shameful experiences.
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1-Page Summary
The Evolutionary and Biological Foundations of Shame
Mark Manson explains that shame evolved as a crucial survival mechanism in prehistoric times, where group cohesion was essential for survival. According to Drew Birnie, this led to the "learning paradox of shame," where painful memories of shameful events help prevent future social transgressions.
Shame triggers physical responses in the body, including flushing and nausea. Birnie describes this as a "body hijack," noting that the brain processes social injuries similarly to physical ones, activating the anterior cingulate cortex and insula regions.
The Psychological and Behavioral Manifestations of Shame
Shame can lead to various dysfunctional coping mechanisms. According to Nathanson's shame compass, people typically respond to shame through withdrawal, self-attack, avoidance, or attacking others. Manson and Birnie discuss how these responses can create self-reinforcing cycles of negative behavior.
Early childhood experiences significantly shape lifelong shame patterns. Birnie and Manson emphasize that children are particularly vulnerable to shame during self-recognition development (ages 2-3) and adolescence, when the brain undergoes rapid rewiring. These early experiences can create lasting impacts on self-concept and behavior into adulthood.
Therapeutic Modalities and Approaches For Overcoming Shame
While Freudian psychoanalysis helped uncover unconscious emotions, it lacked solutions for managing them. Carl Rogers developed person-centered therapy, emphasizing radical acceptance and creating non-judgmental spaces for clients to confront their issues.
Modern approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) offer practical strategies for challenging shame-based thoughts. Brene Brown's work connects shame healing with principles similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, emphasizing vulnerability, ownership, and social support.
Influence of Technology and Social Media on Shame
Technology has intensified shame by amplifying it globally. Manson illustrates this with the "Central Park Karen" incident, where a single confrontation led to severe life-altering consequences through social media exposure.
Social media algorithms disrupt traditional shame responses and influence values through selective content amplification. However, Birnie suggests using the Stoic "view from above" practice to gain perspective, while Manson recommends the "deathbed test" to evaluate the true significance of shameful events in life's broader context.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While shame may have evolved for group cohesion, alternative theories suggest that it could also be a byproduct of other social emotions or cognitive processes rather than a direct evolutionary adaptation.
- The idea that painful memories of shame prevent future transgressions could be challenged by noting that some individuals may become desensitized to shame or may not learn from past experiences.
- The physical responses to shame, such as flushing and nausea, are not universal, and some cultures or individuals may experience shame differently or not exhibit these physical signs at all.
- The comparison of social and physical injuries in the brain could be oversimplified, as the nuances of social interactions and individual differences in processing social pain might not be fully captured by this analogy.
- The coping mechanisms for shame are diverse, and not all individuals will respond to shame in the ways described by Nathanson's shame compass. Some may find adaptive and constructive ways to cope with shame.
- The impact of early childhood experiences on lifelong shame patterns is complex, and there may be significant individual differences in resilience and the ability to overcome early shame experiences.
- While person-centered therapy emphasizes radical acceptance, some critics argue that it may not be sufficient for all clients, particularly those with deep-seated shame or complex trauma.
- CBT and IFS are effective for many, but not all individuals respond to these therapies, and some may benefit from alternative approaches or may find these methods incompatible with their personal beliefs or experiences.
- The connection between shame healing and principles similar to Alcoholics Anonymous may not resonate with everyone, and some may find other frameworks or support systems more effective.
- The assertion that technology intensifies shame globally could be nuanced by considering that technology also provides platforms for support, community building, and positive social engagement that can mitigate shame.
- The role of social media algorithms in disrupting traditional shame responses could be counterargued by noting that individuals have agency in how they engage with technology and can choose to consume content critically or disengage from harmful platforms.
- The Stoic "view from above" practice and the "deathbed test" are subjective and may not be helpful or applicable to all individuals dealing with shame. Alternative philosophical or psychological practices may be more effective for some people.
Actionables
- You can create a personal "shame resilience diary" where you note down instances of shame and actively reframe them by identifying the triggers, your physical responses, and alternative, constructive reactions. For example, if you feel shame after a work presentation, write down the scenario, how your body reacted, and then brainstorm ways you could view the situation as a learning opportunity instead of a failure.
- Develop a "social perspective-taking" habit by imagining how others might see a situation that caused you shame, aiming to understand multiple viewpoints and reduce the intensity of your own shame. For instance, if you're embarrassed about a social faux pas, consider how a compassionate friend might perceive it, which can help you realize that others may not judge you as harshly as you judge yourself.
- Engage in a weekly "values alignment check-in" where you assess your actions against your personal values to ensure that shame isn't steering you away from what truly matters to you. This could involve listing your top five values and reflecting on moments in the past week where you felt shame, then evaluating whether your response to the shame was in line with your values or if it led you to act against them.
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The Evolutionary and Biological Foundations of Shame
Shame Helps Humans Conform To Social Norms and Avoid Ostracization
Shame is a complex emotional and behavioral system that is deeply embedded in human nature. Mark Manson describes life in prehistoric times as challenging, with survival dependent on group cohesion. Individuals who failed to adhere to the social norms or fulfill responsibilities risked not only their lives but could endanger the entire tribe. Manson explains that shame evolved as a mechanism to prevent social violations sensitive to the life-or-death stakes of prehistoric life. This sensitivity to social expectations has been a crucial survival tool, as social rejection in those times could mean death.
Shame Evolved to Help Prehistoric Humans Avoid Actions Leading To Social Rejection and Death
Humans are biologically predisposed to avoid actions that might lead to ostracization due to the critical nature of group belonging in prehistoric times. Drew Birnie discusses the "learning paradox of shame," which reinforces social norms through a painful memory of a shameful event, thereby preventing future social transgressions. Both Birnie and Manson stress the evolutionary significance of shame in fine-tuning human behavior to survive within the tribe.
Shame Is Biologically Wired, Triggering Physical Reactions To Social Infractions
Shame triggers a pain response in humans, causing not only psychological distress but also manifesting as physical discomfort, flushing, nausea, and a host of other involuntary reactions.
Shame Triggers Pain Response, Causing Discomfort, Flushing, Nausea, and More Reactions
The body's automatic response to shame includes visible signs such as blushing and changes in posture. Birnie explains this "body hijack" and physical manifestations as a response to the pain and discomfort associated with shame. The anterior cingulate cortex processes social injuries similarly ...
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The Evolutionary and Biological Foundations of Shame
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Clarifications
- The "learning paradox of shame" describes how shame functions as a mechanism to reinforce social norms by creating a lasting memory of a shameful event. This memory serves as a deterrent, helping individuals avoid future transgressions that could lead to social rejection. Essentially, the discomfort and pain associated with shame act as a powerful teacher, shaping behavior to align with societal expectations. This process highlights the evolutionary role of shame in guiding human behavior within social groups.
- The anterior cingulate cortex is involved in processing emotional and physical pain, while the insula is responsible for translating emotional experiences into bodily sensations. In the context of shame, these brain regions play a role in connecting the emotional experience of shame to physical reactions like discomfort, flushing, and nausea. This connection helps explain why shame can trigger both psychological distress and physical responses in individuals. The activation of these brain regions highlights the deep integration of emotional and physical responses in the experience of shame.
- The default mode network (DMN) is a network of brain regions that are active when an individual is at rest and not focused on the outside world. It is involved in self-referential thoughts, introspection, and mind-wandering. In the context of shame, the DMN plays a role in self-reflection in social situations, contributing to rumination and processing feelings of shame. Activation of the DMN during experiences of sham ...
Counterarguments
- While shame may have evolved to enforce social norms, it can also be argued that it has been co-opted in modern times to enforce arbitrary or oppressive standards that may not align with individual well-being or fairness.
- The idea that shame always prevents future social transgressions can be countered by noting that excessive shame can lead to social withdrawal, decreased self-esteem, or even antisocial behavior, which can be counterproductive to social cohesion.
- Shame's pain response might not always lead to constructive outcomes; in some cases, it can exacerbate mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, which challenges the notion that shame is always beneficial for social conformity.
- The physical manifestations of shame, like blushing, are not universal and can vary greatly among different individuals and cultures, suggesting that the biological underpinnings of shame may not be as uniform as suggested.
- The subconscious nature of shame does not necessarily highlight its evolutionary urgency; it could also be seen as a byproduct of complex social interactions that may not always have a direct evolutionary benefit.
- The activation of the default mode network by shame could be interpreted as a maladaptive response in modern contex ...
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The Psychological and Behavioral Manifestations of Shame
Shame is a complex emotion with far-reaching consequences on individual behavior and self-perception. Both Manson and Birnie delve into the intricacies of shame from its early onset to the coping mechanisms one may adopt.
Shame Leads To Dysfunctional Coping: Withdrawal, Self-Attack, Avoidance, Aggression
Shame Responses Spiral Into Self-Reinforcing Cycles
Manson discusses how shame can drive one to avoid certain areas of their life, leading to isolation and harmful impacts on relationships. This avoidance is a form of coping, where individuals may engage in numbing or distracting behaviors like substance abuse or compulsive activities to escape feelings of shame. Toxic shame, Manson and Birnie note, is where a person believes they are inherently bad rather than having done something bad, spiraling into feelings of worthlessness.
Birnie distinguishes between state shame, which is a temporary emotion that motivates self-improvement, and trait shame, which is a permanent self-view. He clarifies that shame is distinct from embarrassment and humiliation, with the latter not carrying shame's internal feeling of worthlessness, and embarrassment being a less severe, shared moment that doesn't implicate one's character.
According to Nathanson's shame compass, there are four ways people respond to shame: withdrawal, attack self, avoidance (distraction or numbing), and attack others. Such responses can become self-reinforcing cycles if not addressed. For instance, Manson mentions past behaviors of aggression as a defensive mechanism to shame, whereas Birnie reflects on his perfectionism leading to self-attack when he perceives failure.
The speakers underscore the importance of recognizing the manifestations of shame, like physical sensations of blushing or nausea, cognitive thoughts of worthlessness, or behavioral responses such as hiding or lashing out.
These coping strategies often lead to a vicious cycle. Shame provokes behaviors that, in turn, result in more shame. For example, a person may feel unworthy of good things and consequently sabotage positive situations, perpetuating a negative self-narrative.
Childhood Experiences Shape Lifelong Shame Patterns
Children's Vulnerability to Shame in Self and Social Development
Birnie and Manson address how early experiences with shame can have a significant and lasting impact on a person. They suggest that family plays a vital role in a child's emotional development, with early shame experiences often leading to lifelong shame patterns.
Children, especially around the ages of two to three, are highly vulnerable to shame as they develop self-recognition. Negative feedback during this stage, such as being labeled as "bad," can lead to the internalization of toxic shame. As these children grow older, the narratives they've been told about themselves, whether it's about body image, abilities, or behaviors, can solidify, influencing their self-concept and behaviors into adulthood.
Adolescence is a period marked by heightened sensitivity to shame due to the rapid rewiring of the brain and the focus on social standing. The hosts discuss how the brain uses early experiences to understand one's environment, thereby setting the stage for how shame is managed later in life.
Manson and Birnie touch upon the concept that deeply shameful or traumatic experiences during formative years can bind emotional growth to those stages. Thus, behaviors in adults sometimes mirror the emotional responses developed in their youth, indicating an unresolved shame that transcends into adulthood.
Unresolved Childhood Shame Can Persist, Influencing Our Self-Concept and Behavior Into Adulthood
The conversations reveal how unresolved childhood shame can translate into adulthood, affecting identity a ...
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The Psychological and Behavioral Manifestations of Shame
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Clarifications
- Psychological residues from family dynamics are the lasting emotional imprints and patterns that individuals carry from their interactions and experiences within their family unit. These residues can include learned behaviors, coping mechanisms, and self-perceptions that stem from childhood interactions with family members. They shape how individuals view themselves, relate to others, and navigate various aspects of life well into adulthood. These dynamics can influence one's emotional responses, decision-making processes, and overall well-being.
- Shame's internal feeling of worthlessness stems from a deep-seated belief that one is fundamentally flawed or inadequate as a person, rather than just having made a mistake. This sense of worthlessness can lead to pervasive feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, impacting one's self-esteem and overall well-being. It differs from guilt, which focuses on actions and behaviors, whereas shame is more about the core sense of self. This internalized belief of being unworthy can trigger a cycle of negative thoughts and behaviors, reinforcing the feeling of worthlessness.
- Shame's developmental trajectory encompasses how experiences in childhood shape one's relationship with shame into adulthood. Early shame experiences, especially during critical developmental stages, can lead to the internalization of shame. These early patterns can persist and influence self-concept and coping strategi ...
Actionables
- Create a personal shame response journal to track patterns and triggers. By writing down instances when you feel shame and your reactions to it, you can identify recurring triggers and the coping mechanisms you typically use. For example, if you notice that you tend to withdraw from social situations after a perceived failure, you can then work on strategies to counteract this, such as reaching out to a friend for a conversation instead of isolating yourself.
- Develop a "shame resilience plan" that includes proactive steps to take when feeling shame. This plan could involve a series of affirmations that remind you of your worth, a list of people you can reach out to for support, and activities that help you reconnect with your values and strengths, like volunteering or engaging in a hobby that makes you feel competent and confident.
- Engage in role-play exe ...
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Therapeutic Modalities and Approaches For Overcoming Shame
Freud's Psychoanalysis Uncovered Emotions but Lacked Solutions
Freudian psychoanalysis, originated by Freud, revolved around bringing unconscious thoughts and emotions like shame into awareness. Freud noticed a healing effect when individuals became aware of their internal impulses and could articulate them, feeling liberated. However, he did not devise a strategy to manage these emotions, noticing patients left therapy due to the discomfort the released emotions caused. Mark Manson adds that re-parenting emerged as a response to uncovering this "ugly mess" of shame without solutions. The usefulness of a Freudian approach lies in helping bring unconscious aspects of shame to the surface, particularly beneficial for those who have experienced early shame. Therapists in the '70s and '80s revisited Freudian psychoanalysis, delving into repressed memory work.
Carl Rogers' Emphasis on Radical Acceptance For Client Self-Acceptance
Carl Rogers, informed by Freud, recognized the issue of uncovering emotions without solutions. He developed an approach that focused on what to do with dug-up emotions and repressed shame. Rogers founded person-centered therapy on the belief that people tend to heal and grow in the right emotional environment. His method was patient-directed, building radical, unconditional acceptance into therapy, creating a non-judgmental space for clients to express themselves. This approach allowed clients to self-accept and safely confront their issues.
Modern Therapies Like CBT and IFS Challenge Shame-Based Thoughts and Integrate Disowned Self-Aspects
Modern therapies, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS), have developed to challenge shame-based thoughts and beliefs. CBT reframes shame-inducing beliefs, while IFS engages in "parts" dialogue to resolve emotional conflicts. These modern therapies integrate disowned parts of the self, offering strategies to detach from and address shame constructively. For example, Manson notes that engaging in CBT could include challenging cognitive distortions, and IFS might involve asking oneself what ...
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Therapeutic Modalities and Approaches For Overcoming Shame
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Clarifications
- Re-parenting is a therapeutic approach that involves nurturing and caring for oneself in ways that may have been lacking during childhood. It aims to address emotional wounds and unmet needs from early experiences, helping individuals develop self-compassion and self-soothing skills. This process involves creating a supportive inner dialogue and providing oneself with the understanding and comfort that may have been missing in childhood. Re-parenting can help individuals heal past traumas, build self-esteem, and navigate feelings of shame by fostering a sense of security and self-acceptance.
- Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic approach that views the mind as composed of different "parts" or subpersonalities, each with its own feelings and motivations. In IFS therapy, individuals engage in a dialogue with these internal parts to understand their roles and address emotional conflicts. By exploring and communicating with these parts, individuals can work towards resolving inner conflicts and achieving greater harmony within themselves. This method helps individuals develop self-awareness, compassion, and integration of different aspects of their personality for emotional healing and growth.
- Modern therapies, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS), aim to help individuals address shame by integrating disowned parts of themselves. This process involves acknowledging and working with aspects of one's personality or experiences that have been ignored or rejected, often leading to feelings of shame. By recognizing and integrating these disowned parts, individuals can develop a more cohesive sense of self and address shame in a constructive manner. This approach allows individuals to explore and understand the root causes of their shame, leading to greater self-awareness and emotional healing.
- Naming the emotion involves identifying and acknowledging the specific feeling, such as shame, which is the first step in addressing it. Claiming ownership means taking respo ...
Counterarguments
- While Freudian psychoanalysis was groundbreaking, it can be criticized for its overemphasis on sexual and aggressive drives, which may not be as universally applicable as Freud believed.
- Re-parenting and repressed memory work have been controversial due to the potential for creating false memories or exacerbating psychological distress.
- Carl Rogers' person-centered therapy might be seen as too non-directive for some clients who may benefit from more structured approaches.
- Some critics argue that the radical acceptance promoted by Rogers could lead to complacency rather than active change in some individuals.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been criticized for focusing too much on changing thoughts and potentially neglecting deeper emotional or systemic issues.
- Internal Family Systems (IFS) may not be as effective for individuals who struggle with the abstract concept of "parts" or who have difficulty engaging in imaginative processes.
- Modern therapies that integrate disowned parts of the self may not address the root causes of shame for all individuals, such as those with complex trauma.
- Brene Brown's work, while popular, has been critiqued for its heavy reliance on anecdotal evidence and the potential oversimplification of complex emotional issues.
- ...
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Influence of Technology and Social Media on Shame
The narrative highlights how technology and social media have intensified the experience of shame by amplifying its reach globally, disrupting the traditional shame response, and potentially reshaping personal values and self-concept.
Technology and Social Media Amplify Ancient Tribal Shame Globally
Technology scales shame to a global level, effectively turning the entire planet into one's tribe and magnifying shaming potential. Our brains process interactions on platforms like Instagram or TikTok as if they're with members of our collective group, which triggers primal moral mechanisms causing shame to spiral.
Mark Manson cites the incident of a woman dubbed the "Central Park Karen," whose confrontation in Central Park went viral. She faced severe repercussions, including loss of job, friends, apartment, doxxing, death threats, and ultimately moving to a different country. This encapsulates "shame on steroids," where any social misstep can scale across thousands or millions of people due to technology.
Online Content Permanence and "Cancel Culture" Elevate Stakes of Social Infractions
Online content permanence and "cancel culture" intensify the consequences of social infractions. Stories, like that of Tyler Clementi, who was secretly filmed, or "Central Park Karen," illustrate the significant, sometimes life-altering, repercussions driven by online permanence. Audience collapse raises the stakes for online behavior, as employers scrutinize social media profiles. The eternal nature of online content leads to risk aversion in real life, with people fearing that any mistake might be immortalized online.
Social Media Algorithms Disrupt Shame Response, Increase Anxiety, and Self-Censorship
Social media alters the traditional response to shame by stressing social infractions through algorithms, selectively amplifying certain behaviors and values. Manson describes how the brain is affected by social media, noting how these platforms inadvertently guide the adoption of certain morals and values by what and whom users choose to follow.
Curating Online Personas Shapes Values and Self-Concept Unconsciously
The act of engaging with online content and selecting who to follow is constructing a personal online tribe. By subscribing to specific individuals and ideas, one unconsciously adopts associated values and norms. The various audiences on platforms like Facebook create a singular audience for one’s shame system, influencing how individuals present themselves online. It's important to be mindful of this persona curation because it shapes self-concept without the user's conscious awareness.
Reconnecting In Person Reduces Shame From Technology
Engaging in the physical world can mitigate the shame experienced through technolo ...
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Influence of Technology and Social Media on Shame
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Primal moral mechanisms causing shame to spiral can be understood as deeply ingrained psychological processes that are triggered when individuals perceive social infractions or violations of societal norms. These mechanisms are rooted in evolutionary psychology and can lead to an intense amplification of shame responses, especially in social contexts where one's actions are scrutinized by a larger group or community. The term highlights how our brains, influenced by evolutionary factors, react strongly to situations that threaten social cohesion or acceptance, leading to a heightened sense of shame that can spiral out of control in the digital age. This concept underscores the powerful influence of our innate moral instincts on the experience and expression of shame in modern social environments.
- Doxing, short for "dropping documents," involves publicly sharing private, identifiable information about an individual without their consent. It can include details obtained legally from public sources or illegally through hacking. Doxing is often used for purposes like online shaming, extortion, or vigilante actions. The term originated from hacker culture in the 1990s and is associated with privacy violations and potential harm to the targeted individual.
- Cancel culture is a modern social phenomenon where individuals face public backlash and consequences for their actions or statements deemed unacceptable by society, often facilitated by social media. It involves boycotting, shunning, or ostracizing the individual, particularly in high-profile cases involving celebrities. Critics argue it can stifle open dialogue and lead to negative outcomes, while supporters see it as a tool for accountability and amplifying marginalized voices. The term gained prominence in 2018 and is sometimes referred to as "call-out culture."
- Context collapse, also known as audience collapse, occurs when various audiences with different expectations and interpretations converge in a single space, leading to misunderstandings and negative reactions. This phenomenon is often observed in online platforms like social media, where content intended for one audience can be seen by unintended audiences, causing confusion and misinterpretation. Scholars like danah boyd and Michael Wesch have explored this concept in the context of digital communication and social media dynamics. Understanding context collapse is crucial for navigating online interactions and managing the dissemination of information across diverse audiences.
- The eternal nature of online content refers to the permanence of information shared on the internet, which can remain accessible indefinitely. Once something is posted online, it can be challenging to completely erase or control its spread, potentially leading to long-term consequences for individuals. This permanence can impact various aspects of life, including personal reputation, relationships, and even professional opportunities. Users need to be mindful of what they share online, as it can have lasting effects on their digital footprint and how they are perceived by others.
- The Stoic practice called "view from above" is a technique that encourages individuals to gain a broader perspective on their lives and emotions by imagining themselves from a higher vantage point, as if looking down on their existence from a distance. This practice aims to help diminish the intensity of personal shame and other emotions by placing them in the context of the vastness of the world and the insignificance of individual concerns in the grand scheme of things. It is a way to cultivate a sense of detachment and objectivity towards one's own experiences and feelings, fostering a more balanced and rational approach to dealing with challenges and negative emotions. The "view from above" technique is rooted in Stoic philosophy ...
Counterarguments
- While technology and social media can amplify shame, they also provide platforms for support and positive reinforcement that can counteract feelings of shame.
- The permanence of online content can indeed have negative consequences, but it also allows for the preservation of positive moments and achievements that can build a person's reputation and self-esteem.
- Social media algorithms may disrupt traditional shame responses, but they can also be used to spread awareness and education on important issues, potentially leading to positive social change.
- The process of curating online personas can lead to self-reflection and personal growth, as individuals actively consider and choose the values and norms they wish to align with.
- Engaging in the physical world is beneficial, but online communities can als ...
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