Lessons on Money, Success, and Fulfillment You Need to Hear (ft. Lewis Howes)
On this episode of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Podcast, Mark Manson and Lewis Howes explore the complex relationships people have with money, ambition, and finding fulfillment. They share personal experiences navigating polarizing attitudes toward wealth and how financial situations can impact relationships.
The discussion also touches on pursuing ambitious goals, redefining success beyond purely monetary terms, and the need for optimism, resilience, and patient self-improvement. Howes and Manson reflect on linking self-worth to net worth, developing abundance mindsets, celebrating collaborative growth over solitary achievement, and seeking guidance to foster emotional maturity around money.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 19, 2025 episode of the The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Money Mindsets: Perspectives and Relationships
Polarized Views of Wealth
Mark Manson and Lewis Howes discuss how people often develop extreme, polarized attitudes towards money based on their upbringing, experiences, and societal norms. Howes describes being confused about money as a child, which shaped his later perspectives. Manson notes societal pressures to remain humble about wealth.
Changing Relationship Dynamics
As financial situations change, maintaining healthy relationships requires effective communication, boundary-setting, and managing emotions like jealousy. Howes stresses celebrating others' success, while Manson highlights the need for open discussions about money to preserve relationships.
Wholeness Beyond Net Worth
Finding self-worth, joy and peace independently from financial status is critical. Howes emphasizes cultivating gratitude, generosity and fulfillment in all aspects of life, not just wealth. Building an "abundant mindset" focused on growth, not scarcity, is key.
Pursuing Ambitious Goals
Optimism and Growth Mindset
Manson and Howes embraced "beginner's mindsets" during setbacks, channeling frustration into learning new skills and making progress towards long-term ambitions like entrepreneurship and athletic dreams.
Redefining Success
Over time, both redefined "success" as impact, fulfillment and collaborative growth, rather than solely being number one. Developing talents and pursuing passions became paramount.
Effort, Resilience and Patience
Continuous self-improvement, seeking mentorship and celebrating small wins are vital for ambitious pursuits. Consistent effort leads to sustained success, even if ultimate goals seem distant initially.
Mindsets and Money Management
Self-Worth vs Net Worth
Howes explicitly links self-worth to net worth, recounting how changing finances caused anxiety and stress. However, Manson seems less anxious about taking financial risks. Unresolved "money wounds" from childhood can fuel unhealthy relationship patterns with money.
Abundance Mindset and Fulfillment
Howes recommends shifting to a grateful, generous mindset focused on collaborative growth. Finding joy, peace and fulfillment by developing a healthy relationship with wealth itself is crucial.
Support for Emotional Maturity
Both highlight the importance of guidance from mentors, coaches or therapy to foster self-awareness, address deep-seated beliefs, regulate emotions, and maintain balanced financial perspectives.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While celebrating others' success is generally positive, it might not always be feasible or genuine, especially if one is facing personal hardships or injustices that make others' success seem unattainable or highlight systemic inequalities.
- Open discussions about money can be beneficial, but they may also lead to conflicts or discomfort if not approached with sensitivity and understanding of each individual's financial literacy and emotional relationship with money.
- The concept of an "abundant mindset" can be empowering, but it may also overlook the structural and systemic barriers that prevent some individuals from accessing opportunities for growth and fulfillment.
- Redefining success to focus on impact and fulfillment is valuable, but traditional measures of success (like financial achievement) can still have significant practical implications for individuals' lives and should not be entirely dismissed.
- The idea that effort leads to sustained success can be overly simplistic, as it doesn't account for factors like luck, timing, and privilege, which can also play significant roles in achieving goals.
- Linking self-worth to net worth, even indirectly, can perpetuate harmful beliefs that one's value as a person is tied to financial success, which can lead to negative self-perception among those who are not wealthy.
- The recommendation to shift to a grateful, generous mindset assumes that individuals have the emotional and financial resources to do so, which may not be the case for everyone.
- The emphasis on guidance from mentors, coaches, or therapy is valuable, but access to these resources can be limited by financial constraints or availability, potentially excluding those who could benefit most from such support.
Actionables
- Create a "Money Biography" by writing down your earliest money memory and how it made you feel, then track how those feelings have influenced your current financial behaviors. This exercise can help you uncover and understand deep-seated beliefs about money that may be affecting your financial decisions today.
- Start a "Gratitude & Growth" journal where you write one thing you're grateful for and one new thing you learned or a skill you improved each day. This practice encourages an abundant mindset by focusing on personal growth and appreciation for what you already have, rather than fixating on financial status.
- Organize a monthly "Finance and Feelings" meetup with friends or family where you discuss money matters openly, share financial tips, and support each other's financial and emotional well-being. This can help normalize conversations about money, reduce anxiety around financial topics, and build a community of support for navigating financial ups and downs.
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Psychology of Money: Mindsets, Emotions, and Relationships Around Wealth
Discussing the complex psychological facets of money, the book explores how money shapes our mindsets, emotions, and relationships and offers insights to prevent these attitudes from sabotaging our financial well-being.
Money Perspectives Shape Our Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions
People’s relationships with money are deeply influenced by their upbringing, society, and individual experiences, and these influences can lead to polarized views and behaviors regarding wealth.
People Often Hold Extreme Views on Money
Mark Manson reacts to the concept of money with the word "douchebag," indicating an extreme or negative view of wealth display. He notes that many people have irrationally positive or negative associations with money, either seeing it as a solution to all problems or as the root of all evil. Such polarized views often stem from one's environment and upbringing.
Money Relationship Shaped by Upbringing, Experiences, and Society
Lewis Howes describes his confusion around money as a child, which impacted his attitudes toward money later on. Howes' experience exemplifies how childhood encounters with money can influence one's future financial perceptions and behaviors. Manson’s reflections on his Texas upbringing reveal how societal norms around money can dictate that one should remain humble and discreet about their wealth.
Navigating Dynamics in Relationships as Financial Circumstances Change
Financial success can introduce tension in personal relationships. Effective communication, boundary-setting, and managing feelings like jealousy are all key to maintaining healthy dynamics when financial situations evolve.
Handling Jealousy and Resentment From Loved Ones Over Financial Success
Howes has to remind himself to celebrate the success of friends instead of harboring jealousy. Manson also discusses the awkwardness and resentment he felt from friends after his book success, noting a shift in dynamics that can stem from an unhealthy relationship with money.
Setting Boundaries and Healthy Communication About Money
Manson explains the necessity of setting boundaries and maintaining healthy communication within relationships affected by financial changes. This includes being careful about how others perceive one’s wealth and managing expectations.
Receiving Gifts and Generosity Gracefully Despite Financial Differences
Manson initially believed in generously taking care of others if he became wealthy, but he realized that such gestures were not always welcomed, as they could lead to entitlement or discomfort. Howes suggests that a lack of appreciation for generosity can strain relationships when expectations of financial support aren't managed properly.
Emotional Regulation and Wholeness Beyond Financia ...
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Psychology of Money: Mindsets, Emotions, and Relationships Around Wealth
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While upbringing, society, and experiences influence money relationships, individual agency and personal choice also play significant roles in shaping financial attitudes and behaviors.
- Not everyone holds extreme views on money; many individuals have nuanced perspectives that recognize both the benefits and challenges associated with wealth.
- Childhood encounters with money are important, but they do not solely determine financial perceptions and behaviors; adults can learn and adapt their financial understanding over time.
- Societal norms around money are diverse, and there is a growing acceptance of openly discussing wealth and financial success in some cultures.
- Financial success does not always introduce tension in personal relationships; it can also strengthen bonds if managed with empathy and understanding.
- While jealousy can be a natural response to others' financial success, it is not an inevitable reaction; some individuals may feel genuine happiness for their loved ones' achievements.
- Setting boundaries is important, but overemphasis on boundaries can sometimes lead to isolation or hinder the development of trust and mutual support in relationships.
- Generosity is generally seen as a virtue, but it is also important to recognize that autonomy and the ability to provide for oneself can be empowering for recipients.
- Self-worth should not be tied exclusively to financial achievements, but it is also reasonable for ...
Actionables
- Create a "Money Autobiography" by writing down key financial memories from your childhood to adulthood, noting how each experience made you feel and how it might influence your current financial beliefs. This reflective exercise can help you identify patterns in your financial behavior and attitudes that stem from past experiences, allowing you to consciously address and reshape them.
- Start a "Gratitude and Generosity Journal" where you record daily acts of kindness, both given and received, along with things you're grateful for that don't have a monetary value. This practice can shift your focus from financial metrics to the richness of experiences and relationships, fostering a sense of fulfillment that isn't tied to money.
- Engage in "Financial Role-Playing" with a trusted fri ...
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Pursuing Ambitious Goals Against the Odds
Mark Manson and Lewis Howes share their experiences and insights on striving for ambitious goals against difficult circumstances, highlighting personal development, redefining success, and the importance of effort and resilience.
Agency, Progress, and Optimism Amid Setbacks
Embracing Learning and Skill-Building With a "Beginner's Mindset" From Disadvantage
Both Mark Manson and Lewis Howes experienced setbacks that left them feeling lost and questioning their purpose. Manson, despite the unexpected success of his book, felt disoriented and fearful for the future, while Howes found himself questioning his value after a career-ending injury and living on his sister's couch. Yet, both embraced a "beginner's mindset," Manson optimistic about figuring things out, learning web design, copywriting, and marketing, and Howes actively listing his fears and pursuing ways to overcome them through seeking coaches and learning new skills like writing and salsa dancing.
Channeling Frustration Into Constructive Action Towards Long-Term Goals
Manson, unsatisfied with his job, channeled his frustration into starting a business which allowed for personal development. Howes, despite the unlikelihood of achieving his Olympic handball aspirations, pursued his dream by rehabilitating his body and training with a team in Spain. They both show that transforming frustration into constructive action can lead towards long-term goals.
Redefining Success and Greatness Beyond Traditional Metrics
From Competition to Collaborative Community Approach
Over time, Howes shifted his definition of success from competitive to collaborative, emphasizing the importance of making an impact over being the best. He learns to enjoy seeing others thrive and recognizes that success has room for everyone.
Emphasizing Growth, Fulfillment, and Impact Over "Being the Best"
Howes redefines greatness as developing unique talents, pursuing dreams, and making a maximum impact on others rather than solely focusing on being number one. Manson echoes this sentiment, suggesting that as we mature, we realize the importance of defining our own metrics for success.
Effort, Resilience, and Patience In Pursuing Dreams
Importance of Self-Improvement, Skill Development, and Mentorship
Howes ...
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Pursuing Ambitious Goals Against the Odds
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Counterarguments
- While embracing a "beginner's mindset" can be beneficial, it may not always be practical for those with significant responsibilities or limited resources to start anew.
- Constructive action is important, but it's also necessary to recognize when a goal may be unattainable and pivot accordingly to avoid wasted effort.
- A collaborative approach to success is valuable, but competition can also drive innovation and excellence, and should not be entirely dismissed.
- Redefining success to focus on growth and impact is meaningful, but traditional metrics often have practical implications for financial stability and societal recognition.
- Effort, resilience, and patience are important, but they must be balanced with self-care and awareness of burnout to maintain long-term w ...
Actionables
- You can adopt a "skill-swap" approach with friends to foster a beginner's mindset and learn new abilities. Partner with a friend who has a skill you want to learn and vice versa. Set up regular sessions where you teach each other, creating a safe space to be a beginner and ask questions without judgment. For example, if you're interested in photography and your friend wants to learn cooking, you could meet weekly to exchange knowledge, thus building new skills and reinforcing the value of starting fresh.
- Start a "frustration journal" to transform negative emotions into constructive plans. Whenever you feel frustrated, write down the cause, your feelings, and then brainstorm actionable steps to address the underlying issue. This practice can help you identify patterns in what triggers your frustration and develop a habit of channeling those feelings into positive action. For instance, if you're frustrated by your public speaking skills, your action plan might include joining a local Toastmasters club to practice and i ...
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Emotional Regulation and Healthy Money Relationship
Lewis Howes and Mark Manson delve into the complexities of emotional regulation and its impact on one's relationship with money, providing insights into how emotions and mindsets can either contribute to or sabotage personal well-being.
How Emotions and Mindsets Sabotage Wellbeing
Howes and Manson discuss the detrimental effects that confusion between self-worth and net worth can have on one's life.
Self-Worth vs. Net Worth: The Anxiety and Stress Connection
Howes explicitly connects self-worth to net worth, reflecting on how he associated his self-worth with his net worth, wanted to please everyone but felt taken advantage of, and was reactive to his unhealed wounds from childhood. He explains that fluctuations in bank accounts can affect people's self-worth, leading to anxiety and stress.
Manson, on the other hand, indicates perhaps he could be more anxious around money, implying a potential disconnect between self-worth and net worth in his own life. He acknowledges his comfort with taking financial risks, suggesting that his emotional regulation regarding money does not lead to stress or anxiety.
How "Money Wounds" Fuel Dysfunctional Patterns
Howes discusses "money wounds," suggesting that dysfunctional patterns related to money need healing, and reflects on his past mindset, realizing that his accomplishments and financial success did not bring fulfillment or peace.
Gratitude, Generosity, and an Abundance Mindset For Flourishing
Lewis Howes shifts the focus to positive attributes that can foster a healthy relationship with money.
From Scarcity and Competition to Collaborative, Contribution-Focused Money Mindset
Howes advises shifting from a scarcity mindset to a collaborative, contribution-focused money mindset by cultivating gratitude and generosity. He emphasizes that investing in others' success can lead to reciprocity and support, which indirectly benefits one's own success. He believes that this mindset leads to a more enjoyable lifestyle.
Finding Joy, Peace, and Fulfillment By Cultivating a Healthy Relationship With Wealth
Howes finds joy and peace in the opportunity to pursue his dreams and emphasizes that true peace and fulfillment stem from cultivating a healthy relationship with wealth, rather than from money itself.
S ...
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Emotional Regulation and Healthy Money Relationship
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Counterarguments
- While cultivating gratitude and generosity is beneficial, it may not be sufficient for everyone to overcome deep-seated financial issues or trauma.
- The connection between self-worth and net worth is complex, and not everyone may experience this link or the associated stress and anxiety.
- The idea that investing in others' success will lead to reciprocity and support might not always hold true, as there are no guarantees of returns in personal or financial investments.
- Therapy and meditation are helpful tools, but they may not be accessible or effective for everyone, and alternative methods of healing might be necessary.
- The concept of continuous personal growth and self-awareness is idealistic, and some individuals might find it overwhelming or impractical due to various life circumstances.
- The assumption that a heal ...
Actionables
- You can create a "money emotions" journal to track how your feelings change with your financial situation. Start by jotting down your emotional state whenever you check your bank balance or pay bills. Over time, you'll be able to identify patterns and triggers that tie your self-worth to your net worth, allowing you to consciously address and decouple these feelings.
- Develop a "gratitude and giving" budget category to practice generosity without compromising your financial health. Allocate a small percentage of your income each month to support causes or individuals you believe in. This habit not only fosters a sense of abundance but also connects you to a community, potentially opening doors to reciprocal support.
- Engage in a "mentor- ...
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