Building Real Confidence, The Motivation Puzzle, and Understanding All Your “Parts”
In this episode of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Podcast, Mark Manson and Drew Birnie explore the nature of true confidence, addressing how it stems from comfort with potential failure rather than guarantees of success.
The discussion highlights the relationship between external rewards and intrinsic motivation, explaining how extrinsic benefits can potentially undermine an activity's original enjoyment. Manson and Birnie provide insights on navigating this dynamic, drawing on psychological theories and personal anecdotes. They also examine the idea of multiple conflicting "parts" of an individual's psyche, offering strategies for integrating these facets through self-awareness and communication to foster greater confidence and inner alignment.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Jan 22, 2025 episode of the The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Podcast
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1-Page Summary
The Nature and Origins of Confidence
According to Mark Manson, true confidence stems from comfort with potential failure, not the certainty of success. Even the most successful people experience nerves and self-doubt. Manson explains that achievements can undermine confidence by raising the stakes of failure. One's feelings of confidence are rooted in self-perception, not external reality - even top performers can struggle with insecurity if they have deeper self-perception issues.
The Relationship Between External Rewards/Achievements and Internal/Intrinsic Motivation
Manson and Drew Birnie explore the "undermining effect" - how external rewards can diminish intrinsic motivation for enjoyable activities, based on psychological research. Critics suggest methodological issues with these studies. Manson and Birnie posit that rewards transform the nature of motivation, shifting the focus from enjoyment to performance and causing potential anxiety.
To maintain intrinsic motivation alongside external rewards, Manson recommends choosing rewards that align with intrinsic values and rejecting those that don't. Developing this skill is vital to avoid dissonance between extrinsic benefits and lack of intrinsic drive.
Multiple Conflicting "Parts" of the Self
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory views the psyche as composed of distinct "parts" with different motives that can lead to internal conflict when misaligned. Manson cites examples of conflict between professional and personal aspects of self.
According to Birnie, recognizing and integrating these different "parts" through self-awareness and communication between them is crucial for reducing dissonance and improving confidence. Manson highlights how embracing vulnerability and accepting each other's flaws promotes confidence in relationships.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The "undermining effect" of external rewards on intrinsic motivation suggests that when external rewards are introduced for an activity that was previously intrinsically motivated, the focus shifts from enjoying the activity to seeking the reward. This shift can lead to a decrease in the individual's intrinsic motivation for the activity. It highlights how the introduction of external rewards can alter the individual's perception and engagement with the task, potentially causing anxiety and reducing the enjoyment derived from the activity. To maintain intrinsic motivation alongside external rewards, aligning the rewards with intrinsic values and ensuring they do not overshadow the inherent enjoyment of the activity is crucial.
- Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory is a psychological model that views the mind as a collection of distinct "parts" or subpersonalities, each with its own unique characteristics, emotions, and motivations. These parts can sometimes conflict with each other, leading to inner turmoil and emotional distress. The goal of IFS therapy is to help individuals identify, understand, and harmonize these different parts to promote emotional healing and self-awareness. By acknowledging and integrating these parts, individuals can achieve greater internal balance, reduce inner conflicts, and improve overall well-being.
- When there is dissonance between extrinsic benefits and lack of intrinsic drive, it means that external rewards or incentives are not aligning with one's internal motivations or personal values. This mismatch can lead to feelings of conflict, dissatisfaction, or reduced enjoyment in activities. To address this dissonance, it is important to choose external rewards that resonate with one's intrinsic values and motivations, ensuring that they complement rather than undermine one's internal drive. This alignment helps maintain a sense of fulfillment and motivation in pursuing both external rewards and intrinsic satisfaction.
Counterarguments
- Some psychologists argue that a certain level of certainty in success is necessary for confidence, as it provides a foundation of competence from which to tolerate potential failure.
- There is evidence suggesting that nerves and self-doubt can be significantly reduced or even eliminated in some individuals through various techniques, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or extensive experience and mastery.
- Achievements may not necessarily undermine confidence; for some individuals, they can reinforce self-efficacy and lead to a virtuous cycle of increased confidence and subsequent achievements.
- While self-perception is crucial, external reality can also influence confidence; receiving validation and feedback from the environment can play a significant role in shaping one's confidence levels.
- The undermining effect of external rewards on intrinsic motivation is not universally accepted; some argue that external rewards can coexist with or even enhance intrinsic motivation if they are perceived as affirming competence or providing useful feedback.
- The concept of aligning rewards with intrinsic values assumes that individuals have a clear understanding of their intrinsic values, which may not always be the case; some people may find it challenging to identify or articulate their intrinsic motivations.
- The IFS theory is one of many models of the psyche, and not all psychologists agree with its conceptualization of the mind as composed of distinct "parts"; alternative theories may emphasize the integration and unity of the self.
- The idea that embracing vulnerability and accepting flaws promotes confidence in relationships may not apply to all cultural contexts or personality types; some individuals or cultures may associate confidence more with strength and the minimization of vulnerability.
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The Nature and Origins of Confidence
Mark Manson brings insights into the elusive qualities of confidence by unpacking its sources and misconceptions.
Confidence Stems From Comfort With Failure, Not Success Expectation
Manson speaks to the "confidence conundrum" where true confidence is derived from one's comfort with potential failure, not the certainty of success.
Confidence Comes From Comfort With Potential Failure, Not Certainty of Success
According to Manson, confidence does not equate to the assurance of success. Instead, it refers to a state of being okay with the possibility of failure. He uses Bill Russell as an example to illustrate that even the most successful people experience nerves and fear. Despite Russell's accomplishments in basketball, he vomited out of nervousness before each game, suggesting that success does not inherently lead to confidence.
Achievements Can Undermine Confidence By Making Failure Costly
Manson explains that success can actually increase insecurity. The more one achieves, the more they have to lose, and the more severe the potential cost of failure becomes. When one is constantly telling themselves they must succeed since they are "smart," failure then feels like a betrayal of their self-affirmations, fostering more anxiety and less confidence.
Confidence Is Rooted In Self-Perception, Not External Reality
Manson explores the dichotomy between external success and internal self-perception, elucidating how one’s feelings of confidence are not solely tethered to their achievements.
Externally Successful People Can Struggle With Self-Doubt
Manson acknowledges that individuals with substantial external success can still struggle with insecurity if deeper self-perception issues remain unaddressed. The contr ...
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The Nature and Origins of Confidence
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Counterarguments
- Confidence can also stem from a track record of success, as repeated positive outcomes can reinforce a person's belief in their abilities.
- Some individuals may derive confidence from their preparation and expertise, feeling certain of success due to their skills and knowledge.
- The relationship between success and insecurity is not always direct; some people may find that success bolsters their confidence by validating their capabilities.
- Confidence might sometimes be influenced by external validation ...
Actionables
- You can embrace failure by setting a 'failure goal' for the month, where you intentionally take on a challenge you're likely to fail at, to become more comfortable with the idea of not succeeding. For example, if you're learning to play the guitar, set a goal to play a difficult song in front of friends, accepting that mistakes are part of the process and not a reflection of your overall ability.
- Start a 'growth journal' where you document daily instances where you learned something new or improved a skill, regardless of the outcome. This could be as simple as noting down a new word you learned, a workout where you increased your endurance, or a conversation where you practiced active listening. The focus is on the incremental improvements, not the end result.
- Create a ...
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The Relationship Between External Rewards/Achievements and Internal/Intrinsic Motivation
The discussion between Drew Birnie and Mark Manson reveals a complex tapestry of how external rewards and intrinsic motivation intertwine to affect our behavior and satisfaction with activities.
"Undermining Effect" - Rewards Can Diminish Intrinsic Motivation
Birnie and Manson explore how intrinsic motivation is traditionally measured and its vulnerability to the presence of external rewards.
Rewards Boost Motivation for Boring Tasks, Decrease For Enjoyable Activities
Manson summarizes the consensus from psychological research: while external rewards can incentivize motivation for tedious tasks, they tend to decrease motivation for enjoyable tasks that people are intrinsically motivated to do. Birnie brings up the "undermining effect," agreeing with Manson that offering money for an activity tied to intrinsic passion can complicate the emotional relationship and potentially demotivate.
Methodological Artifacts Suggested by Critics
Critics such as Steven Reese question the accuracy of the paradigms used to measure intrinsic motivation, suggesting these studies might be methodologically flawed and their findings may not reflect real-world scenarios. Reese highlights the potential for circular interpretations in these studies' results.
Rewards Transform Motivation, Not Undermine It
Manson reflects on Phillip's counterarguments, and together with Birnie, posits that the introduction of external rewards shifts the focus from pure enjoyment to performance, potentially causing performance anxiety. External rewards can change the nature of the activity and turn a pleasurable pastime into a less enjoyable one, possibly without diminishing motivation itself.
Maintaining Intrinsic Motivation When Pursuing External Rewards
The conversation delves into how to retain one's intrinsic motivation while also navigating the pull ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Relationship Between External Rewards/Achievements and Internal/Intrinsic Motivation
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The "undermining effect" suggests that offering external rewards for tasks that individuals are intrinsically motivated to do can reduce their natural inclination and enjoyment for those activities. This phenomenon highlights how external incentives can shift the focus from internal satisfaction to external gains, potentially diminishing the intrinsic motivation that initially drove the behavior. The presence of external rewards may alter the perception of the activity, leading individuals to engage in the task more for the reward itself rather than for the inherent pleasure or interest in the activity. This dynamic underscores the complexity of how external factors can influence and sometimes dampen intrinsic motivation.
- Studies measuring intrinsic motivation can have methodological flaws, as critics like Steven Reese suggest. These flaws question the accuracy of the paradigms used in research. Reese highlights the potential for circular interpretations in the results of these studies. This criticism implies that the findings may not accurately represent real-world scenarios.
- Circular interpretations in research results occur when the conclusions drawn from a study end up reinforcing the initial assumptions or biases that were present at the beginning of the research process. This can create a loop where the findings confirm the researcher's preconceived notions rather than providing new insights or challenging existing beliefs. It is a pitfall in scientific inquiry that can undermine the validity and objectivity of the study's outcomes. Researchers must be vigilant to avoid circular reasoning and strive for impartiality in their analysis to ensure the credibility of their research findings.
- Aligning external rewards with intrinsic values involves ensuring that the incentives or benefits offered from outside sources resonate with one's core beliefs, passions, and personal goals. It means selecting rewards that complement and enhance one's internal motivations, rather than conflicting with or undermining them. This alignment helps maintain a sense of aut ...
Counterarguments
- External rewards may not always diminish intrinsic motivation; they can sometimes enhance it by providing additional validation or satisfaction.
- The impact of rewards on motivation can be highly individual, with some people thriving under reward systems that others may find demotivating.
- Critics might argue that methodological flaws in studies are not sufficient to dismiss the findings without concrete evidence of how these flaws have led to incorrect conclusions.
- The transformation of motivation from intrinsic to extrinsic might not necessarily be negative, as it could lead to professional growth and the development of a work ethic.
- Performance anxiety induced by external rewards could also be interpreted as a challenge that, when overcome, leads to personal development and increased resilience.
- External ...
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Multiple Conflicting "Parts" of the Self
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory suggests that the human psyche consists of various parts with distinct motives that contribute to one's behavior, leading to the potential for internal conflict and the need for self-integration. Recognizing and working with these parts can improve self-awareness and manage conflicts more effectively.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) Theory: Self Composed Of Motivated "Parts"
The idea of internal family systems, developed by Richard Schwartz in the '80s, posits that the human psyche is made up of different parts with varying motives and desires that help navigate the world. When these parts do not work well together or "fight" or fail to communicate, they can lead to internal conflict. An example of significant discrepancy is a sex worker with a super conservative evangelical Christian family, leading to a contradiction between professional and family selves.
Conflicting Parts Lead To Dissonance and Lack of Self-Integration
This internal conflict manifests as psychological tension, causing dissonance, struggles, anxiety, and other issues in one's life. Drew Birnie discusses individual 'parts' within themselves, such as managers, firefighters, and exiles, that can either work well together or not, leading to internal dissonance.
An example provided by Mark Manson features a professionally successful woman who had different "parts" or modes of behavior for her professional life versus her personal life. By bringing the assertiveness from her professional "part" into her personal relationships, she realized she could assert boundaries there too.
Additional personal examples include Birnie's identification of his parts as avoidant and anxious, manifesting differently across areas of his life. The avoidant part was logical and focused on tasks, while the anxious part needed happiness and sensitivity.
Recognizing and Integrating Self Aspects
Recognizing the different aspects and 'parts' of one's personality is crucial for self-awareness and handling internal conflicts. A childhood part of oneself that feels neglected or shameful can clash with the adult need to be confident in the same aspect. Birnie recalls recognizing ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Multiple Conflicting "Parts" of the Self
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory posits that the human psyche is composed of various parts, each with distinct motives and qualities. These parts can lead to internal conflict when they do not work together harmoniously. IFS therapy aims to heal wounded parts and restore mental balance by accessing the core Self and promoting internal connection and harmony among the different parts.
- In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, "managers" are protective parts that try to keep things under control, "firefighters" are parts that react impulsively to protect from pain, and "exiles" are parts that hold onto past emotional wounds. These parts represent different aspects of a person's psyche and can influence behavior and emotions. The goal is to understand and integrate these parts to achieve inner harmony and healing.
- Integration of different parts of one's personality involves acknowledging and accepting the various aspects of oneself, such as conflicting emotions or behaviors. By recognizing these parts and understanding their motives, one can work towards aligning them harmoniously to create a more cohesive and balanced sense of self. This process often involves fostering communication and cooperation between these different parts, allowing for a more integrated and authentic expression of one's personality. Ultimately, integrating these parts can lead to increased self-awareness, emotional well-being, and a more coherent sense of identity.
- In therapeutic p ...
Counterarguments
- The IFS model is just one of many psychological frameworks, and its conceptualization of the psyche as composed of distinct "parts" may oversimplify the complexity of human thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
- Some critics argue that the metaphor of "parts" may not resonate with everyone and could potentially lead to a fragmented sense of self rather than integration.
- The idea of internal "parts" could be seen as a rebranding of older concepts such as Freud's id, ego, and superego, and may not offer fundamentally new insights into the human psyche.
- The effectiveness of IFS therapy may vary widely between individuals, and there is a need for more empirical research to establish its efficacy compared to other therapeutic approaches.
- The concept of "parts" may inadvertently encourage individuals to disown responsibility for their actions by attributing them to different "parts" of themselves rather than acknowledging the complexity of their decision-making processes.
- Some may argue that the focus on internal parts and self-integration could lead to excessive introspection and self-focus, potentially neglecting the role of external ...
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