How to Stop Living for Other People (ft. Ben Nemtin)

The concept of a "buried life" highlights the universal desire to uncover one's true purpose and realize dreams that have been suppressed or forgotten.

The universal feeling of a "buried life" and the desire to uncover one's true purpose

Mark Manson discusses the commonality of questioning one's purpose or the feeling of having a buried life, particularly among younger generations. Manson suggests that questioning is more prevalent now than in the past, possibly related to the many choices and distractions of the 21st century. Ben Nemtin draws upon Matthew Arnold's poem "The Buried Life," written 175 years ago, recognizing that it depicts the same sense of buried aspirations that people still feel today – arguably even more so, given the modern pace of life and the distractions of the internet.

The authors experienced a cycle of inspiration and suppression, where their dreams would emerge only to be buried again by the routines and expectations of daily life. The poem became a lifeline, resonating with them and expressing their own feeling of not following their true original course, but instead a path prescribed by others.

The authors' journey to document their pursuit of their "buried dreams"

Ben Nemtin and his friends desired to create something significant together, but they didn't know what it was, until the message in Matthew Arnold's poem inspired them to pursue their buried dreams. They decided to make a documentary, forming a list of dreams as if they had unlimited resources, and invited others to share their dreams to help them come true.

Johnny, part of the group, was assigned to read "The Buried Life" in an English class, which became the emotional basis for their project. They received unexpected support through emails from people wanting to help them achieve their list items or needing help achieving their own dreams.

Their project gained traction, spreading from local to provincial to national news in Canada, which significantly expanded their scope. Their efforts led to various accomplishments such as making a TV show, playing basketball with Obama, having a beer with Prince Harry, writing a New York Times bestseller, and starting a production company.

The realization that the bucket list was a journey of self-discovery

Ben Nemtin narrates how the bucket list journey transformed into a j ...

Creating a bucket list is not just an act of whimsy—it's a serious endeavor toward achieving one's dreams. Ben Nemtin and Drew Birnie discuss practical steps for crafting such a list and turning aspirations into reality.

The importance of writing down one's goals and dreams

Categorizing dreams across different life domains

Ben Nemtin suggests leveraging a bucket list as a comprehensive map of one's holistic self. He advocates for categorizing goals into life areas such as creative endeavors, relationships, travel, health, professional milestones, and personal growth. Writing them down is crucial, as Nemtin points out; this act of documentation forces individuals to think about what they want independently of others' expectations and serves as a contract with oneself. Similarly, Birnie iterates the value in writing down even the small things, as it's not solely about the goal but also about the resulting interactions and relationships built towards achieving it; whether that's learning a backflip or setting sights on larger life quests.

Viewing the bucket list as a series of experiments, not just a to-do list

Nemtin views the bucket list as a series of experiments. The focus should be on exploring what resonates with personal feelings and interests, not just on completing tasks. Recognizing that aspirations evolve, he emphasizes the need for revisiting and revising the list as one grows. The process of trial and error is beneficial, and even if one fails at a goal, it provides valuable learning experiences or clarifies what is not worth repeating.

Building accountability and support structures

Sharing goals with an accountability partner

Nemtin and Birnie highlight that accountability forms a crucial element in the pursuit of goals. One effective method of building accountability is by sharing goals with an accountability partner or friend who can encourage you to take steps towards your dreams. Nemtin cites sharing a chapter a month when writing a book with a friend who acts as a critical reader—the feedback and deadlines creating a responsible framework that increased the chances of achieving goals by 77%.

Enlisting the help of others to achieve specific dreams

Enlisting the help of others turns out to be instrumental in fulfilling bucket list items. Nemtin points out that the only way he has crossed things off his list was through the help of others. It required sharing his goals openly and moving through the fear of judgment or rejection. He highlights that asking for help builds accountability and fosters support, and he advocates including family and friends in this process, for they provide a different level of understanding and encouragement.

Overcoming the fear of failure and judgment

Recognizing that other people are not as focused on us as we think

Anxieties about others' opinions often hinder action. Nemtin underscores the concept that people ...

Understanding the power of accountability, social support, and overcoming fears is essential to successfully pursue one’s purpose, as Ben Nemtin and other contributors illustrate through personal experiences and insights.

The power of surrounding oneself with people who inspire and uplift

According to Nemtin and his colleagues, surrounding oneself with inspiring people is the biggest game-changer in the journey towards fulfilling one’s purpose. These individuals not only propel your personal journey but also help you make an impact on the world. By living authentically and following dreams, the group from the television show "The Buried Life" which featured the group's efforts to accomplish their list, has inspired viewers to pursue their own aspirations. Supporting examples include Brent's act of kindness and the profound affirmation the authors felt when helping him obtain a truck, emphasizing not only personal growth but also the powerful influence of social connections.

Recognizing the impact one can have on others by living authentically

The authentic pursuit of dreams can create a ripple effect, inspiring others to follow suit. Nemtin shares that doing what one loves can have the most significant impact on the world. Their own journey inspired musicians, athletes, creators, and others to excel in their fields. By sharing their personal experiences and taking decisive actions, individuals give others permission to acknowledge and pursue their dreams.

How the authors' journey inspired others to pursue their own dreams

The authors took steps towards their goals, which in turn motivated others to think about their capabilities and potential. The success of their project encouraged others to engage with their own dreams and aspirations, showing that inspiration through action is an important catalyst for change.

Leveraging emotions to fuel action and progress

Nemtin’s advice is to leverage fear as a sign that the endeavor is significant and should be pursued. Fear can stop people from acting on their dreams, but by embracing challenges and moving past them, one can take necessary action toward goals. Understanding and navigating emotions, such as fear and excitement, can be used to one's advantage.

Turning fear and resistance into motivating forces

Fear of pursuing goals is a meaningful barrier, but taking action can help overcome this fear. By recognizing the value of one's fears and using them as motivation, important steps can be taken towards realizing one's ambitions.

Understanding how mood and motivation follow from consistent action

Mood and motivation can improve following actions taken towards one's goals. This is likened to making small deposits in a compounding interest account, where consistent efforts l ...