6 Things to Stop Doing in 2024 (to Change Your Life)
Immerse yourself in the thought-provoking discussions of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Podcast, where hosts Mark Manson and Drew Birnie tackle six common behaviors to reevaluate for a more fulfilling 2024. In a society saturated with the desire for approval, Manson and Birnie address the pitfalls of investing in emotionally unavailable individuals, suggesting a healthier pathway to emotional support through meaningful relationships. They challenge listeners to shift the focus from outward to inward—encouraging self-improvement over the unrewarding endeavor of changing others—and delve into the transformative power of leading by example.
Manson and Birnie don't shy away from the often-overlooked aspects of personal well-being, criticizing inauthentic displays of vulnerability and emphasizing the necessity of genuine emotional expression for personal healing. The dialogue ventures further into lifestyle choices, debating the balance between productivity and the underestimated importance of sleep. With candidness, Manson shares his insights on abstaining from alcohol to promote self-awareness, confronting cultural trends that glamorize self-destructive behavior. Join these speakers on a voyage of self-discovery and lifestyle reevaluation that may just redefine your outlook for the coming year.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 6, 2024 episode of the The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Stop investing in people who won't invest in you, especially partners and relationships
Manson and Birnie emphasize the detriment of trying to gain approval from emotionally unavailable individuals, which they liken to social torture. Manson argues that the healthy alternative is to cultivate relationships with those who willingly give emotional support and to show appreciation for such reciprocation. They suggest comparing oneself to personal past achievements rather than to others, particularly the idealized personas prevalent on social media, which Birnie and Manson note as harmful to self-esteem.
Stop expecting other people to change, focus on changing yourself instead
The discussion moves to the futility of trying to force change upon others, which Manson argues often stems from an avoidance of self-improvement. The suggestion put forth is to gently nudge others if they are open to change rather than aggressively push for it. Manson and Birnie believe in the power of leading by example; actions speak louder than words and being a living embodiment of one’s beliefs is more persuasive than any argument could be.
Burying your emotions is unhealthy, instead practice healthy vulnerability
Birnie shares his own struggle with hiding his emotions and how recognizing and accepting his feelings was crucial for healing. Manson criticizes the performative vulnerability seen on platforms like TikTok which often acts as a vehicle for seeking attention rather than connection. True vulnerability, according to Manson, entails the risk of rejection and presenting one's authentic self without a safety net for guaranteed acceptance.
Stop sacrificing sleep for productivity or fun
Birnie challenges the common misconception that people can adapt to less sleep without performance deficits. He asserts that, despite a perceived adjustment, their performance continues to decline. Manson acknowledges his own resilience to a lack of sleep but advises others to be mindful and deliberate about sacrificing sleep, advocating for an informed balance between memorable experiences and sleep’s importance for health and functioning.
Stop drinking alcohol for at least a few months to gain self-awareness
Manson advocates for a period of abstinence from alcohol to foster self-awareness and recounts the positive changes he noticed upon giving up drinking. He observes a cultural shift away from celebrating self-destructive behaviors such as excessive alcohol consumption, noting that what used to be deemed "cool" is now recognized as harmful. Manson reflects on historical attitudes that valorized self-destructiveness and credits the younger generation for redefining what is considered socially acceptable behavior.
1-Page Summary
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Clarifications
- Idealized personas prevalent on social media are carefully curated and often exaggerated versions of individuals' lives that they present online. These personas typically showcase the best aspects of a person's life, such as achievements, appearance, and experiences, while downplaying or omitting less desirable aspects. People may feel pressured to compare themselves to these idealized images, leading to feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem. It's important to remember that what is portrayed on social media is not always an accurate reflection of reality.
- Performative vulnerability on platforms like TikTok involves individuals sharing emotionally charged content for the primary purpose of gaining attention or validation rather than fostering genuine connections or personal growth. This behavior can manifest as exaggerated displays of emotions or struggles that may not accurately reflect the individual's true feelings or experiences. It often prioritizes external reactions over authentic self-expression, leading to a superficial portrayal of vulnerability for likes, views, or engagement. This trend can contribute to a culture where vulnerability is commodified and exploited for social media metrics rather than being a sincere and meaningful sharing of one's inner self.
- The relationship between sleep and performance is crucial as inadequate sleep can lead to cognitive impairment, decreased focus, and reduced productivity. Consistent lack of sleep can impact memory consolidation, decision-making abilities, and overall cognitive function. Quality sleep is essential for optimal performance in various tasks, including work, learning, and daily activities. Prioritizing sufficient and quality sleep is key to maintaining peak performance levels and overall well-being.
- Historical attitudes that valorized self-destructiveness referred to past societal norms that glorified behaviors like excessive drinking, reckless behavior, and self-sabotage as symbols of strength or rebellion. These attitudes often romanticized self-destructive actions as admirable or courageous, perpetuating a harmful cycle of harmful behaviors being seen as desirable or cool. Over time, there has been a shift towards recognizing the negative consequences of such behaviors and a reevaluation of what is considered socially acceptable or admirable in terms of personal conduct. This shift reflects changing societal values and a greater emphasis on self-care, well-being, and healthier lifestyle choices.
Counterarguments
- While investing in reciprocal relationships is important, it's also necessary to recognize that some individuals may be going through personal struggles that temporarily prevent them from investing equally in a relationship, and patience can sometimes be a virtue.
- Comparing oneself to personal achievements is beneficial, but it can also be motivating and inspiring to learn from others' successes and use them as a benchmark for personal growth, without falling into the trap of negative comparison.
- While focusing on self-improvement is crucial, it's also important to acknowledge that relationships are a two-way street, and sometimes change must be collaborative to address issues that affect both parties.
- Gently nudging others towards change assumes they are open to it, but there are situations where more direct communication or intervention may be necessary, especially if their behavior is harmful.
- Leading by example is powerful, but it may not always be sufficient to influence others, as people have different values and motivations; sometimes, verbal persuasion or other forms of communication are needed.
- Recognizing and accepting emotions is healthy, but it's also important to develop strategies to manage emotions effectively, especially when they are overwhelming or could lead to harmful actions.
- True vulnerability does involve risk, but it's also important to have boundaries and discernment about when and with whom to be vulnerable, as not all environments or individuals are safe.
- Prioritizing sleep is essential, but there are exceptional circumstances where sacrificing sleep for a significant opportunity or experience could be justified, as long as it's not a habitual practice.
- Abstaining from alcohol to gain self-awareness can be beneficial, but it's also important to recognize that moderate and responsible alcohol consumption can be part of a balanced lifestyle for some individuals.
- While there is a cultural shift away from celebrating self-destructive behaviors, it's also important to respect individual autonomy and the right to make personal choices, even if they involve risk, as long as they do not harm others.
- The younger generation's redefinition of socially acceptable behavior is progressive, but it's also important to value the wisdom and experiences of older generations, as societal norms evolve through a continuous dialogue between past and present.
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Stop investing in people who won't invest in you, especially partners and relationships
The concept of reciprocal investment in relationships drives the core message delivered by Manson and Birnie; focusing on the importance of detaching from those who don't reciprocate emotional investment and valuing oneself.
Investing in emotionally unavailable people is like an "elaborate form of social torture"
Manson advises against committing time, energy, or emotional value to people who are emotionally unavailable or unwilling to provide support. He explains that persisting in this unrequited investment is akin to an "elaborate form of social torture." Manson describes trying to win over someone who's emotionally unavailable as a status game often leading to a toxic cycle where your self-worth becomes linked to their approval. Manson urges the importance of disengaging and diverting your investment to someone willing to reciprocate.
Stop taking others for granted and practice gratitude and appreciation
Further, Manson touches on the importance of appreciation and gratitude for the supportive individuals in our lives. He shares personal reflections on his past behavior, emphasizing the need to consistently show appreciation for the people who care about us and not take them for granted.
Comparing yourself to your past selves shows personal growth rather than comparing yourself to others
Discussing personal growth, Manson contends that individuals should compare themselves to who they were in the past rather than to others. He criticizes the tendency on social media to compare oneself to idealized ve ...
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Stop investing in people who won't invest in you, especially partners and relationships
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Comparing oneself to idealized versions of people on social media often involves measuring one's worth against curated and often unrealistic portrayals of others' lives. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and a distorted perception of reality. People tend to showcase only the best aspects of their lives on social media, creating a skewed comparison point for viewers. This practice can harm self-esteem and contribute to a sense of discontentment with one's own life.
- The impact of Instagram on feelings of inadequacy and comparison is a common concern in discussions about social media's influence on mental health. Users often compare their lives to the curated and idealized versions presented on Instagram, leading to feelings of inadequacy and ...
Counterarguments
- While it's important not to over-invest in those who don't reciprocate, sometimes people may be going through a difficult phase and temporarily unable to invest in relationships. Patience and understanding can sometimes strengthen a bond in the long term.
- Emotional unavailability can be a temporary state due to various life circumstances, and writing people off too quickly might lead to missed opportunities for deep and meaningful relationships once they are ready to open up.
- Taking others for granted is indeed negative, but the advice to practice gratitude and appreciation assumes that lack of appreciation is the issue, which might not always be the case. Sometimes, the problem in relationships can be more complex and not just about gratitude.
- Comparing oneself to past selves can be a healthy practice for personal growth, but it can also lead to a lack of awareness about the broad ...
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Stop expecting other people to change, focus on changing yourself instead
Manson and Birnie discuss the pitfalls of trying to change others and the benefits of instead focusing on personal change and leading by example.
Trying to change someone often comes from avoiding change within yourself
Manson suggests that it's best to meet people where they are and gently nudge them in the right direction if they're open to change, rather than forcibly attempting to change them. He believes the intense motivation to change others often stems from avoiding necessary personal changes. Pressuring others to change to meet our own desires or to address our issues creates more problems and is ineffective in the long run, according to Manson.
Set an example rather than argue - "Be a counterargument rather than make one"
Birnie and Manson both stress the impact of setting a positive example over argu ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Stop expecting other people to change, focus on changing yourself instead
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Avoiding necessary personal changes means resisting or neglecting the changes one needs to make within themselves for personal growth or improvement. It suggests a tendency to focus on changing others instead of addressing one's own shortcomings or areas that require development. This behavior can stem from a desire to control external circumstances or people rather than confronting and working on one's own issues. ...
Counterarguments
- While focusing on personal change is important, social and relational dynamics sometimes necessitate addressing issues in others, especially in contexts like parenting, teaching, or leadership roles.
- Expecting change in others is not always about avoiding personal change; it can also be about establishing healthy boundaries and mutual respect in relationships.
- Gentle nudges can be ineffective if the other person lacks self-awareness or is resistant to feedback, which might require more direct communication or intervention.
- Setting an example is powerful, but some situations may require explicit verbal communication to clarify expectations, values, or boundaries.
- Being a living counterargument is not always suffici ...
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Burying your emotions is unhealthy, instead practice healthy vulnerability
Drew Birnie and Manson delve into the importance of not burying one's emotions and practicing authentic vulnerability, differentiating it from the insincere version often seen online.
Real vulnerability risks rejection; "vulnerability" for validation isn't true vulnerability
Drew Birnie addresses the issue of emotional suppression, sharing that he once used intellectualization to avoid his feelings, a practice that is not uncommon, particularly within the self-improvement community. Birnie recalls a difficult relationship where his emotional avoidance was so pervasive that it affected his memory of that period. He acknowledges the tendency to suppress emotions but emphasizes that confronting these feelings and taking responsibility for his actions were crucial for his emotional processing.
Manson echoes Birnie’s sentiments on the unhealthy suppression of emotions, suggesting that gaps in memory can signal emotions that have been ignored but need to be addressed. He also criticizes the misuse of vulnerability, especially on social media plat ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Burying your emotions is unhealthy, instead practice healthy vulnerability
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Intellectualization is a defense mechanism where a person excessively uses rational thinking and analysis to distance themselves from their emotions. Instead of facing and processing their feelings directly, they focus on intellectual aspects to avoid the discomfort that emotions may bring. This can lead to a disconnect between one's thoughts and emotions, hindering genuine emotional understanding and expression.
- Emotional avoidance can impact memory because when individuals suppress or avoid their emotions, they may not fully process or acknowledge significant events or feelings. This can lead to gaps in memory or a distorted recollection of past experiences, as emotions play a crucial role in encoding memories. By avoiding emotions, individuals may inadvertently hinder their ability to recall events accurately or understand the full emotional impact of those experiences.
- Gaps in memory signaling ignored emotions suggest that when significant emotional experiences are suppressed or not properly processed, they can manifest as memory lapses or distortions. This phenomenon implies that unaddressed emotions can impact cognitive functions, leading to gaps or inconsistencies in one's recollection of events. In essence, unresolved emotions may create disruptions in memory formation and retrieval, highlighting the interconnectedness of emotional well-being and cognitive processes. Addressing these ignored emotions can potentially help in improving memory recall and overall emotional health.
- On social media platforms like TikTok, the misuse of vulnerability often involves individuals portraying themselves as open and authentic to gain attention and validation, rather than genuinely sharing their true emotions and experiences. This behavior can lead to a superficial display of vulnerability that prioritizes likes and follows over meaningful connections and personal growth. This contrasts with true vulnerability, which involves genuine risk-taking and sharing of one's authentic self, even if it means facing potential rejection or criticism. The mis ...
Counterarguments
- Emotional regulation is complex, and not all forms of emotional control are unhealthy; sometimes, it's necessary to manage emotions to function effectively in certain situations.
- Vulnerability must be balanced with personal boundaries; indiscriminate openness can lead to exploitation or emotional harm.
- The concept of "healthy vulnerability" may not be universally applicable, as cultural differences can influence how emotions and vulnerability are perceived and expressed.
- The relationship between memory and emotional suppression is not fully understood, and other factors could contribute to gaps in memory.
- Social media platforms can also be spaces for positive support and genuine sharing, not solely for insincere performances.
- The idea that true vulnerability always risks rejection may discourage some individuals from being open, as the fear of rejection can be a signific ...
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Stop sacrificing sleep for productivity or fun
Drew Birnie highlights an intriguing aspect of sleep research which suggests people are not actually performing as well as they think when sleep-deprived.
People adjust to lack of sleep but don't actually perform as well
Initially, individuals who are sleep-deprived are acutely aware of their cognitive and physical deficits according to Birnie. However, after one to two weeks of continued deprivation, they feel as though they have adapted and claim their performance levels have normalized. But, cognitive and physical tests demonstrate a decline in performance, exemplifying a stark gap between the perceived and actual performance in sleep-deprived individuals.
Manson, from his personal experience, adds nuance to the discussion around sleep and productivity. While he acknowledges the ease with which he can bounce back from sleepless nights, he recognizes ...
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Stop sacrificing sleep for productivity or fun
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Clarifications
- When considering sacrificing sleep for work or leisure, it's important to understand that consistent sleep patterns are crucial for optimal performance. While some individuals may feel they can bounce back from sleep deprivation, it's essential to recognize that cognitive and physical performance can still decline. Being selective about when to sacrifice sleep means understanding the potential impact on overall pr ...
Counterarguments
- While Birnie's research suggests a decline in performance due to sleep deprivation, some studies indicate that certain individuals may have a genetic predisposition that allows them to function effectively on less sleep without significant cognitive or physical deficits.
- The feeling of adaptation to sleep deprivation could be a coping mechanism or a psychological effect rather than a true physiological adaptation, and further research might be needed to understand the long-term effects of perceived adaptation.
- Manson's personal experience with bouncing back from sleepless nights may not be generalizable, as individual differences in recovery and resilience to sleep loss can vary widely.
- The strategy of being selective and strategic about when to sacrifice sleep might not take into account the cumulative effects of sleep debt and the potential health risks associated with chronic sleep deprivation.
- The idea of approaching memorable or productive periods with mindfulness of their impact o ...
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Stop drinking alcohol for at least a few months to gain self-awareness
Manson promotes the idea of refraining from alcohol, advocating for the profound self-awareness it can bring to one’s life. He personalizes this by opening up about how his life changed for the better after he quit drinking.
Self-destructiveness used to be seen as "cool" but is no longer celebrated as much
Manson has witnessed a changing cultural sentiment towards self-destructiveness and alcohol consumption, illustrating the evolution from glorification to a new perspective where such behaviors are less admired.
Manson shares his own transformative experience of sobriety, where not drinking allowed him to make remarkable personal observations and recognized improvements in his health, sleep, and fitness, along with unintentional weight loss. He recounts how he used to enjoy drunkenness despite realizing his behavior was terrible, and admits many of his worst decisions were made while intoxicated.
Manson confesses to underestimating the toll alcohol took on his mental state and relationships. He observes a shift in how society perceives self-destructive conduct; habits like going without sleep and excessive drinking that once seemed heroic are now rightly seen as harmful.
Reflecting on cultural shifts, Manson discusses how, historically, self-destructiveness was associated with coolness and conferred social status, citing behaviors like getting drunk and engaging in risky activities. However, Manson notes that this is no longer the ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Stop drinking alcohol for at least a few months to gain self-awareness
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The cultural shift towards self-destructiveness discussed in the text highlights a change in societal attitudes from glorifying behaviors like excessive drinking and risky activities to recognizing their harmful effects. This shift reflects a departure from past perceptions where self-destructive conduct was sometimes associated with coolness or social status. The evolving perspective, particularly among younger generations like Gen Z, now views such behaviors as detrimental rather than admirable. This change in cultural sentiment signifies a departure from the historical glorification of self-destructiveness, which was once prevalent in media and popular culture.
- The historical context of the glorification of self-destructiveness stems from past cultural movements like the grunge rock scene in the 1990s, where figures like Kurt Cobain were idolized for their self-destructive behaviors. These behaviors were often romanticized in media portrayals, contributing to a perception of self-destructiveness as a symbol of rebellion and authenticity. The glorification of self-destructiveness was intertwined with a broader cultural fascination with anti-establishment attitudes and countercultural movements. Over time, societal perspectives have shifted, with a growing recognition of the harmful consequences associated with such behaviors, leading to a reevaluation of the once-celebrated notion of self-destructiveness.
- The grun ...
Counterarguments
- While abstaining from alcohol can lead to increased self-awareness, some individuals may not experience significant changes or may already possess a high level of self-awareness without needing to quit drinking.
- The idea that self-destructiveness is no longer celebrated may not be universally true; there are still subcultures and media that glorify such behaviors, even if mainstream culture has shifted.
- Personal health improvements and observations from sobriety are subjective and may not be generalizable to everyone; some people might not notice dramatic health benefits or may manage moderate alcohol consumption without negative effects.
- The assertion that bad decisions are often made while intoxicated doesn't account for the fact that poor decisions can also be made while sober; alcohol is not the sole cause of bad judgment.
- The impact of alcohol on mental state and relationships can vary greatly among individuals; some may not feel that their consumption has significant negative effects, or they may believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
- The claim that society's perception of self-destructive behaviors has changed might overlook the complexity of societal views and the fact that there are still many who romanticize or trivialize such behaviors.
- The historical association of self-destructiveness with coolness may still persist in certain areas or demographics, suggesting that the shift in perception is not as widespread as suggested.
- The view that Gen Z considers self-destructive behavior as uncool may not represent the entire generation, as there is diversity within any age group regarding values and behaviors.
- Questioning the rise and fall of the allure of self-destructiveness could be seen as an oversimplification of cultural trends, which are influenced by a multit ...
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1-Page Summary- Stop investing in people who won't invest in you, especially partners and relationships
- Stop expecting other people to change, focus on changing yourself instead
- Burying your emotions is unhealthy, instead practice healthy vulnerability
- Stop sacrificing sleep for productivity or fun
- Stop drinking alcohol for at least a few months to gain self-awareness
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