In this episode of The School of Greatness, Lewis Howes and Martha Higareda Howes share their approach to building a strong foundation for marriage. The couple discusses their pre-marriage preparation, which included counseling, workshops, and studying relationship resources together. They also explain their methods for managing family dynamics, setting boundaries, and maintaining healthy communication patterns.
The conversation covers how the couple aligns on crucial life aspects including finances, intimacy, spirituality, and career goals. Lewis and Martha detail their structured approach to conflict resolution, including specific guidelines for difficult conversations. The episode concludes with their announcement of expecting twins and their thoughts on maintaining their strong relationship foundation while transitioning to parenthood.
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Lewis and Martha Howes discuss their comprehensive approach to building a strong marital foundation through intentional preparation. Before marriage, they engaged in various growth activities including counseling, workshops, therapy sessions, and reading books together. They specifically mention working through resources like "Eight Dates" and "How to be an Adult in Relationships" to shape their perspective on marriage.
The couple emphasizes the importance of establishing their marriage as the primary family unit. Martha Higareda Howes shares her experience transitioning from her family of origin to prioritizing her marriage with Lewis. They discuss setting respectful but firm boundaries with extended family, illustrated through their experience managing family presence at their intimate LA church ceremony.
Lewis and Martha approach disagreements with curiosity rather than blame, focusing on understanding each other's perspectives and finding collaborative solutions. They've established specific guidelines for difficult conversations, including not discussing challenging topics after 10 PM and scheduling specific times for important discussions. This structured approach helps maintain constructive dialogue and prevents conflict escalation.
The couple emphasizes the importance of alignment in key areas like finances, intimacy, dreams, and spirituality. Lewis stresses the significance of financial discussions, noting they worked through about 50 money-related questions during their preparation. Regarding intimacy, Martha discusses keeping God at the center of their relationship while maintaining open communication. They also prioritize supporting each other's individual dreams, demonstrated through their collaborative decision-making process about career opportunities.
Lewis and Martha announce they're expecting twins, approaching this new chapter with excitement and preparation rooted in their premarital work. While Lewis admits the full reality hasn't set in yet, Martha observes his eagerness for fatherhood. The couple acknowledges the challenges ahead but feels confident in their ability to maintain their strong foundation while transitioning to parenthood.
1-Page Summary
Lewis and Martha Howes pave the way towards a resilient partnership by emphasizing the significance of preparation and mutual growth prior to tying the knot.
The couple prioritized setting a firm base for their relationship, incorporating various methods of proactive preparation.
Even before meeting each other, both Lewis and Martha were individually engaged in a journey of growth and therapy. After beginning their relationship, they decided to live together and further embrace a collaborative approach to personal development. They dedicated themselves to activities like reading books together, attending workshops, participating in therapy sessions, and soliciting relationship mentorship. One of their endeavors was going through the marriage preparation program for engaged couples, where they participated in role-playing and small group sessions to deepen their understanding of each other.
Their preparation extended beyond responding to issues but rather focused on fostering a robust union. They employed resources like the books "Eight Dates" and "How to be an Adult in Relationships" to shape their perspective. Their extensive preparation ranged from meditating and praying together to attending church and having thoughtful discussions about their relationship.
Lewis and Martha dedicated time to discuss foundational aspects of their future marriage, ensuring alignment in values and life visions.
They reflected on their past experiences, intent on learning from past mistakes and creating a different pattern for their future together. Early in their dating period, Lewis proposed the idea of couples therapy as a prerequisite to commitment, which Martha received positively. This step signified the importance of transparent communication about each person’s life vision and the crucial role of shared language and agreements in the success of a marriage.
By having in-depth conversations about their wants and expectations for the relationship, they established a clear roadmap for their journey together. These discussions included subjects like family dynamics and conflict resolution strategies. Emphasizing alignment, they exchanged their visions, ensuring they were on the same page before moving forward with their engagement and subsequent marriage.
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Pre-marriage Preparation and Building a Strong Foundation
Lewis and Martha Howes openly discuss the complexities of integrating family relationships into marriage, the importance of setting boundaries, and maintaining a united front as a new family unit.
At the core of their discourse, Lewis and Martha tackle the nuances of solidifying the marital bond as the primary family unit and the challenges that come with it. Martha Higareda Howes highlights the struggle of transitioning from her role in the family of origin to prioritizing her relationship with Lewis as the main family. They discuss the importance of leaving their families of origin to focus on their union and ponder the intervention of Mark Driscoll on the subject, which underscores the significance of recognizing a new family within the marriage context, distinct from parents and extended family.
Managing family presence during personal celebrations like weddings was a focal point for Lewis and Martha. They agreed to an intimate LA church ceremony, with Martha's family unexpectedly showing up, causing a change in their plans and agitation for Lewis due to the absence of his family. However, Martha reassured him, emphasizing the essence of their union and commitment.
They reached a compromise by inviting family members to witness the end of the ceremony, finding a balance between honoring their desires and meeting family expect ...
Managing Family Dynamics and Setting Boundaries
Martha Higareda Howes and Lewis Howes discuss strategies for resolving conflict and improving communication in marriage, outlining how curiosity, understanding, and agreed-upon guidelines are vital for maintaining a constructive dialogue.
Martha and Lewis emphasize the need to address disagreements with curiosity rather than victimization and blame. Their discussions focus on trying to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and not making conversations about the person, but rather about the challenge itself. This approach leads to collaborative problem-solving. They stress the importance of understanding each other's perspectives, discussing what works and doesn't work for both parties, and finding solutions that bring them together in agreement.
Through conscious conflict resolution that avoids negative communication such as screaming or derogating ideas, the couple works to ensure both partners feel safe and at peace. For instance, during a disagreement about a desired romantic gesture, both Martha and Lewis took the time to express their perspectives, leading to a mutual understanding—Martha wanted to create an intimate moment, while Lewis felt underappreciated.
Lewis and Martha have established guidelines in their relationship to prevent escalation during challenging discussions. They agree to address conflicts at the right time, making a "date" to have a conversation. They've also agreed not to bring up tough subjects after 10 PM, instead focusing on gratitude before bedtime. To prevent conflict from escalating, they have created agreements tailored to their relationship needs and accept that these agreements are negotiable, except in emergencies.
During their pre-marital work, they laid the foundation for resolving challenges and ensuring they don't live in "stressful chaos." Through their unified approach, they differentiated between nurturing reminders and attempts to control, and made a distincti ...
Conflict Resolution and Communication in Marriage
Within a relationship, aligning on critical life domains such as finances, intimacy, dreams/goals, and spirituality is essential. Lewis and Martha provide insights into the process of achieving harmony across these areas in their marriage.
Lewis stresses the significance of discussing finances, as it is a common cause of relationship strain, making premarital counseling—which includes creating a sample budget sheet and ensuring ongoing conversations about finances—an essential practice for couples to avoid future issues. They reference resources like Ramit Sethi's book and "Eight Dates" by the Gottmanns, which include chapters on financial compatibility. In these resources, much attention is paid not only to practical financial arrangements but also to the personal relationships with money each partner has.
Moreover, during their “eight dates,” they went through around 50 questions about money, ensuring alignment and understanding of one another's financial perspectives. Addressing significant issues such as debts, feelings about a partner’s debt, and the division of financial responsibilities is crucial. Lewis believes that marriage should create peace and harmony through alignment of values, vision, and lifestyle, with financial understanding as a critical component. He is also working on a book, "Make Money Easy," which focuses on healing one’s relationship with money.
Martha emphasizes the importance of couples reading about finances together and discusses money conflicts often stem from underlying trust and appreciation issues. They even engaged in activities that included acknowledging each other's financial situations to promote better understanding and alignment.
Martha discusses the importance of keeping God at the center of intimacy and relationships, suggesting that loving your partner and loving God are interconnected. She believes in loving and accepting your partner during challenging times, reflecting God's love. Moreover, nurturing intimacy also involves recognizing your partner as a gift.
Lewis and Martha talk about managing situations when one partner is not present, patient, or attentive, and how vital understanding and acceptance are in such situations. They stress the importance of maintaining intimacy and emphasize that it shouldn't be used as a control mechanism. Issues of intimacy are addressed with communication and potentially with the involvement of a therapist or religious advisor if needed.
Martha suggests that intimacy workshops can help married couples and emphasizes that efforts put into the relationship shouldn't stop at marriag ...
Aligning On Life Domains (Finances, Intimacy, Dreams/Goals, Spirituality)
Lewis and Martha are embarking on a new journey of parenthood, anticipating the arrival of their twins with preparations rooted in their premarital work.
Lewis Howes and Martha Higareda Howes have proudly announced that they are expecting twins. They prepared for this new chapter in their lives through premarital counseling and processes, emphasizing the value of that groundwork for facing the challenges of parenthood. During a podcast episode, there may have been hints at a family expansion, suggesting the couple's preparation and readiness for the arrival of their twins. Martha has hinted at this family expansion, signaling their anticipation for parenthood, supported by the foundation laid during their premarital efforts.
Lewis conveys excitement about becoming a parent, although he admits the full reality has yet to set in; he expects the anticipation to grow as he witnesses the physical changes of pregnancy and the ultimate arrival of the twins. With a forward-looking mindset, Lewis focuses on preparing and providing for the future. Martha observes Lewis’s eagerness for fatherhood and compares it to his approach to their marriage, exp ...
Preparing For and Embracing Parenthood
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