Podcasts > The School of Greatness > Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

By Lewis Howes

In this episode of The School of Greatness, Lewis Howes and Martha Higareda Howes share their approach to building a strong foundation for marriage. The couple discusses their pre-marriage preparation, which included counseling, workshops, and studying relationship resources together. They also explain their methods for managing family dynamics, setting boundaries, and maintaining healthy communication patterns.

The conversation covers how the couple aligns on crucial life aspects including finances, intimacy, spirituality, and career goals. Lewis and Martha detail their structured approach to conflict resolution, including specific guidelines for difficult conversations. The episode concludes with their announcement of expecting twins and their thoughts on maintaining their strong relationship foundation while transitioning to parenthood.

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Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

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Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

1-Page Summary

Pre-marriage Preparation and Building a Strong Foundation

Lewis and Martha Howes discuss their comprehensive approach to building a strong marital foundation through intentional preparation. Before marriage, they engaged in various growth activities including counseling, workshops, therapy sessions, and reading books together. They specifically mention working through resources like "Eight Dates" and "How to be an Adult in Relationships" to shape their perspective on marriage.

Managing Family Dynamics and Setting Boundaries

The couple emphasizes the importance of establishing their marriage as the primary family unit. Martha Higareda Howes shares her experience transitioning from her family of origin to prioritizing her marriage with Lewis. They discuss setting respectful but firm boundaries with extended family, illustrated through their experience managing family presence at their intimate LA church ceremony.

Conflict Resolution and Communication

Lewis and Martha approach disagreements with curiosity rather than blame, focusing on understanding each other's perspectives and finding collaborative solutions. They've established specific guidelines for difficult conversations, including not discussing challenging topics after 10 PM and scheduling specific times for important discussions. This structured approach helps maintain constructive dialogue and prevents conflict escalation.

Aligning On Life Domains

The couple emphasizes the importance of alignment in key areas like finances, intimacy, dreams, and spirituality. Lewis stresses the significance of financial discussions, noting they worked through about 50 money-related questions during their preparation. Regarding intimacy, Martha discusses keeping God at the center of their relationship while maintaining open communication. They also prioritize supporting each other's individual dreams, demonstrated through their collaborative decision-making process about career opportunities.

Preparing For and Embracing Parenthood

Lewis and Martha announce they're expecting twins, approaching this new chapter with excitement and preparation rooted in their premarital work. While Lewis admits the full reality hasn't set in yet, Martha observes his eagerness for fatherhood. The couple acknowledges the challenges ahead but feels confident in their ability to maintain their strong foundation while transitioning to parenthood.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While pre-marriage preparation can be beneficial, it is not a guarantee of a successful marriage; unforeseen challenges can arise that test a relationship beyond what preparation can account for.
  • The use of resources like "Eight Dates" and "How to be an Adult in Relationships" is helpful, but it's important to recognize that one size does not fit all in marriage preparation; different couples may find different resources more applicable to their unique situations.
  • Prioritizing the marital relationship over the family of origin is generally sound advice, but it's also important to maintain a balance and not undervalue the support and love that extended family can provide.
  • Setting boundaries with extended family is crucial, but it's also necessary to ensure that these boundaries are flexible and can adapt to changing family dynamics.
  • Approaching disagreements with curiosity is a positive strategy, but it's also important to acknowledge that some conflicts may require more than just understanding perspectives and may need intervention from a neutral third party.
  • Having guidelines for difficult conversations is a good practice, but being too rigid about when and how to discuss important issues could potentially delay addressing urgent matters that need immediate attention.
  • Aligning on key life domains is important, but couples should also be prepared for and open to the idea that goals and priorities can change over time.
  • Discussing finances thoroughly is crucial, but it's also important to recognize that financial situations can evolve, and the ability to adapt to these changes is as important as initial alignment.
  • Keeping God at the center of a relationship may work well for some couples, but others may find that their spirituality or beliefs do not align perfectly, and they need to find other common ground to maintain a strong relationship.
  • Supporting each other's dreams is commendable, but it's also necessary to be realistic about the compromises and sacrifices that might be required, especially with the arrival of children.
  • Preparing for parenthood is essential, but no amount of preparation can fully equip parents for the realities of raising children, which often requires learning and adapting on the fly.
  • Confidence in maintaining a strong foundation during the transition to parenthood is positive, but it's also important to acknowledge that parenthood can significantly alter relationship dynamics in unpredictable ways.

Actionables

  • Create a shared digital journal with your partner to document your growth activities and insights, which can include reflections on counseling sessions, workshops, or books you read together. This can help you both track your progress and ensure that you're aligning on key values and goals. For example, after a therapy session, each of you could write down your takeaways and feelings, fostering a habit of open communication and shared understanding.
  • Develop a "relationship roadmap" with your partner that outlines your joint vision for the future, including how you'll handle the integration of family, work, and personal dreams. This can be a visual or written plan that you both contribute to and revise as your relationship evolves. You might include milestones like buying a home, career transitions, or starting a family, and discuss how you'll support each other in achieving these goals.
  • Initiate a monthly "dreams and spirituality" night with your partner where you explore each other's aspirations and beliefs in a structured way. This could involve activities like vision boarding, discussing inspirational readings, or meditating together. The aim is to create a dedicated time to ensure these important aspects of your relationship are nurtured and to maintain alignment as you grow together.

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Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

Pre-marriage Preparation and Building a Strong Foundation

Lewis and Martha Howes pave the way towards a resilient partnership by emphasizing the significance of preparation and mutual growth prior to tying the knot.

Prepare For Marriage Through Shared Growth and Reflection

The couple prioritized setting a firm base for their relationship, incorporating various methods of proactive preparation.

Lewis and Martha Built a Solid Marriage Foundation Through Counseling, Workshops, Therapy, and Reading

Even before meeting each other, both Lewis and Martha were individually engaged in a journey of growth and therapy. After beginning their relationship, they decided to live together and further embrace a collaborative approach to personal development. They dedicated themselves to activities like reading books together, attending workshops, participating in therapy sessions, and soliciting relationship mentorship. One of their endeavors was going through the marriage preparation program for engaged couples, where they participated in role-playing and small group sessions to deepen their understanding of each other.

Their preparation extended beyond responding to issues but rather focused on fostering a robust union. They employed resources like the books "Eight Dates" and "How to be an Adult in Relationships" to shape their perspective. Their extensive preparation ranged from meditating and praying together to attending church and having thoughtful discussions about their relationship.

Agreements and Values Crucial for Success

Lewis and Martha dedicated time to discuss foundational aspects of their future marriage, ensuring alignment in values and life visions.

Lewis and Martha Discussed Family Dynamics, Conflict Resolution, and Life Vision Before Marriage

They reflected on their past experiences, intent on learning from past mistakes and creating a different pattern for their future together. Early in their dating period, Lewis proposed the idea of couples therapy as a prerequisite to commitment, which Martha received positively. This step signified the importance of transparent communication about each person’s life vision and the crucial role of shared language and agreements in the success of a marriage.

By having in-depth conversations about their wants and expectations for the relationship, they established a clear roadmap for their journey together. These discussions included subjects like family dynamics and conflict resolution strategies. Emphasizing alignment, they exchanged their visions, ensuring they were on the same page before moving forward with their engagement and subsequent marriage.

Acceptance and Growth Mindset Essential For Couples' Challenges

...

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Pre-marriage Preparation and Building a Strong Foundation

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Counterarguments

  • While Lewis and Martha's approach to pre-marriage preparation is thorough, not all couples may have the resources or time to engage in such extensive counseling, workshops, and therapy.
  • The idea of needing to prepare for marriage through structured programs may not resonate with everyone; some may believe that natural progression and learning through experience are more authentic or practical.
  • The emphasis on reading and mentorship might not suit all learning styles or relationship dynamics; some couples might find more value in less structured or more spontaneous interactions.
  • The focus on discussing family dynamics and conflict resolution strategies before marriage assumes that couples can anticipate future challenges, which isn't always possible.
  • The narrative suggests that a clear roadmap is essential for a successful relationship, but some may argue that flexibility and the ability to adapt to unforeseen changes are equally important.
  • The concept of couples therapy as a prerequisite to commitment might be seen as too prescriptive or as pathologizing normal relationship processes.
  • The text imp ...

Actionables

  • Create a "relationship growth journal" where you and your partner can document your individual and shared growth experiences, including therapy insights, personal achievements, and lessons learned from past relationships. This journal serves as a tangible record of your journey and can be a reference point for discussions about your future together.
  • Develop a "conflict resolution toolkit" with your partner that includes strategies like active listening exercises, a list of neutral conversation starters for difficult topics, and a 'time-out' signal for when discussions become too heated. Practice using these tools during minor disagreements to build a habit of constructive communication.
  • ...

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Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

Managing Family Dynamics and Setting Boundaries

Lewis and Martha Howes openly discuss the complexities of integrating family relationships into marriage, the importance of setting boundaries, and maintaining a united front as a new family unit.

Transitioning To a New Shared Family Unit Requires Intentionality

At the core of their discourse, Lewis and Martha tackle the nuances of solidifying the marital bond as the primary family unit and the challenges that come with it. Martha Higareda Howes highlights the struggle of transitioning from her role in the family of origin to prioritizing her relationship with Lewis as the main family. They discuss the importance of leaving their families of origin to focus on their union and ponder the intervention of Mark Driscoll on the subject, which underscores the significance of recognizing a new family within the marriage context, distinct from parents and extended family.

Boundaries With Extended Family Strengthen Marriage

Lewis and Martha Upheld Respectful Communication and Boundaries With Family Members

Managing family presence during personal celebrations like weddings was a focal point for Lewis and Martha. They agreed to an intimate LA church ceremony, with Martha's family unexpectedly showing up, causing a change in their plans and agitation for Lewis due to the absence of his family. However, Martha reassured him, emphasizing the essence of their union and commitment.

They reached a compromise by inviting family members to witness the end of the ceremony, finding a balance between honoring their desires and meeting family expect ...

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Managing Family Dynamics and Setting Boundaries

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Counterarguments

  • While prioritizing the marital bond is essential, it's important to recognize that some cultures place a stronger emphasis on extended family, and this can be equally healthy and fulfilling.
  • The concept of leaving one's family of origin to focus on the marital union may not be necessary or desirable for all couples, as some may find strength and support in maintaining strong ties with their original families.
  • The idea of setting boundaries might sometimes be perceived as exclusionary or hurtful to family members who value closeness and involvement, suggesting that flexibility and inclusivity could also be beneficial.
  • Upholding respectful communication is important, but what is considered respectful can vary greatly among different cultures and individuals, and there may be a need for more nuanced approaches.
  • The narrative assumes that all families can reach a compromise like Lewis and Martha did, but in reality, some family conflicts may be too complex or deep-rooted to resolve simply through mutual respect and clear communication.
  • The emphasis on creating a new family dynamic centered around the couple might overlook the value that each individual's family traditions and histories bring to the marriage.
  • The idea of managing family presen ...

Actionables

  • Create a "Family Constitution" with your spouse to establish shared values and boundaries for interacting with extended family. This document should include guidelines on how to handle family visits, holidays, and decision-making. For example, you might agree that major decisions will be discussed privately before involving family members, or that certain holidays will be spent with just the nuclear family.
  • Develop a "Marriage First" ritual where you and your spouse spend time each week discussing the health of your relationship and any external family pressures you're facing. This could be a weekly coffee date or a walk where the focus is on reinforcing your bond and addressing any concerns about family dynamics.
  • Use role-playing exercises to practice setting boundarie ...

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Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

Conflict Resolution and Communication in Marriage

Martha Higareda Howes and Lewis Howes discuss strategies for resolving conflict and improving communication in marriage, outlining how curiosity, understanding, and agreed-upon guidelines are vital for maintaining a constructive dialogue.

Resolve Disagreements With Curiosity, Not Blame

Root Issue Identification, Perspective Understanding, Collaborative Solution Finding

Martha and Lewis emphasize the need to address disagreements with curiosity rather than victimization and blame. Their discussions focus on trying to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and not making conversations about the person, but rather about the challenge itself. This approach leads to collaborative problem-solving. They stress the importance of understanding each other's perspectives, discussing what works and doesn't work for both parties, and finding solutions that bring them together in agreement.

Through conscious conflict resolution that avoids negative communication such as screaming or derogating ideas, the couple works to ensure both partners feel safe and at peace. For instance, during a disagreement about a desired romantic gesture, both Martha and Lewis took the time to express their perspectives, leading to a mutual understanding—Martha wanted to create an intimate moment, while Lewis felt underappreciated.

Establishing Agreed-Upon Communication Guidelines Helps Maintain Constructive Dialogue

Lewis and Martha Established Guidelines for Difficult Conversations to Prevent Escalation

Lewis and Martha have established guidelines in their relationship to prevent escalation during challenging discussions. They agree to address conflicts at the right time, making a "date" to have a conversation. They've also agreed not to bring up tough subjects after 10 PM, instead focusing on gratitude before bedtime. To prevent conflict from escalating, they have created agreements tailored to their relationship needs and accept that these agreements are negotiable, except in emergencies.

During their pre-marital work, they laid the foundation for resolving challenges and ensuring they don't live in "stressful chaos." Through their unified approach, they differentiated between nurturing reminders and attempts to control, and made a distincti ...

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Conflict Resolution and Communication in Marriage

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Counterarguments

  • While curiosity is important, it may not always be sufficient to resolve deep-seated issues that require professional intervention.
  • Identifying the root issue is crucial, but focusing too much on finding a "root" can sometimes oversimplify complex problems.
  • Understanding each other's perspectives is key, but it may not always lead to a solution if the underlying values or needs are incompatible.
  • Agreed-upon guidelines can help maintain dialogue, but they may also become rigid and stifle spontaneous, authentic communication if not revisited and adapted regularly.
  • Not discussing tough subjects after 10 PM might help some couples, but others may find that their most productive conversations happen during the evening when they are less distracted by other responsibilities.
  • The distinction between nurturing reminders and attempts to control can be subjective and may lead to misunderstandings about intentions.
  • The concept of agreements rather than rules is valuable, but some couples may find that certain rules are necessary to provide clear boundaries and expectations.
  • Being intentional about celebrating shared moments is important, but it's also necessary to acknowledge and address individual needs and moments of personal growth tha ...

Actionables

  • Create a "conflict resolution kit" with your partner that includes items symbolizing your commitment to resolving disagreements with curiosity. For example, include a small notebook for jotting down thoughts before discussing them, stress-relief gadgets to stay calm, and a token that either of you can present as a sign to take a break if the conversation gets too heated. This kit serves as a physical reminder of your strategies and agreements for handling conflicts.
  • Develop a "celebration jar" where you and your partner can drop notes about moments you want to celebrate or appreciate. This could be anything from work achievements to personal milestones. Set aside time each week to go through the jar together, ensuring you're intentional about recognizing shared moments and understanding what makes each other happy.
  • Implement a "perspective swap" exercise whe ...

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Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

Aligning On Life Domains (Finances, Intimacy, Dreams/Goals, Spirituality)

Within a relationship, aligning on critical life domains such as finances, intimacy, dreams/goals, and spirituality is essential. Lewis and Martha provide insights into the process of achieving harmony across these areas in their marriage.

Aligning On Budgets and Debt for Financial Harmony

Lewis and Martha Prioritized Open, Honest Talks on Financial Histories, Goals, and Responsibilities

Lewis stresses the significance of discussing finances, as it is a common cause of relationship strain, making premarital counseling—which includes creating a sample budget sheet and ensuring ongoing conversations about finances—an essential practice for couples to avoid future issues. They reference resources like Ramit Sethi's book and "Eight Dates" by the Gottmanns, which include chapters on financial compatibility. In these resources, much attention is paid not only to practical financial arrangements but also to the personal relationships with money each partner has.

Moreover, during their “eight dates,” they went through around 50 questions about money, ensuring alignment and understanding of one another's financial perspectives. Addressing significant issues such as debts, feelings about a partner’s debt, and the division of financial responsibilities is crucial. Lewis believes that marriage should create peace and harmony through alignment of values, vision, and lifestyle, with financial understanding as a critical component. He is also working on a book, "Make Money Easy," which focuses on healing one’s relationship with money.

Martha emphasizes the importance of couples reading about finances together and discusses money conflicts often stem from underlying trust and appreciation issues. They even engaged in activities that included acknowledging each other's financial situations to promote better understanding and alignment.

Effort Required For Intimacy in Marriage

Lewis and Martha Aimed to Nurture Intimacy Post-Marriage to Preserve Their Relationship

Martha discusses the importance of keeping God at the center of intimacy and relationships, suggesting that loving your partner and loving God are interconnected. She believes in loving and accepting your partner during challenging times, reflecting God's love. Moreover, nurturing intimacy also involves recognizing your partner as a gift.

Lewis and Martha talk about managing situations when one partner is not present, patient, or attentive, and how vital understanding and acceptance are in such situations. They stress the importance of maintaining intimacy and emphasize that it shouldn't be used as a control mechanism. Issues of intimacy are addressed with communication and potentially with the involvement of a therapist or religious advisor if needed.

Martha suggests that intimacy workshops can help married couples and emphasizes that efforts put into the relationship shouldn't stop at marriag ...

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Aligning On Life Domains (Finances, Intimacy, Dreams/Goals, Spirituality)

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While discussing financial histories and goals is important, some couples may find that too much focus on finances can lead to stress and tension, suggesting a balance is necessary.
  • The idea that marriage should create peace and harmony might be overly idealistic, as all relationships inevitably involve some conflict and discord.
  • The emphasis on keeping God at the center of intimacy may not resonate with non-religious or differently religious couples, who might find other foundations for their intimacy and relationship.
  • The notion that intimacy should not be used as a control mechanism is valid, but the text does not address the complexities of power dynamics that can naturally occur in relationships.
  • Intimacy workshops and professional help can be beneficial, but they may not be accessible or appealing to all couples, and some may find other ways to maintain intimacy.
  • The focus on mutual support and collaboration in dreams and goals assumes that all individual aspirations can be aligned with the marriage, which ma ...

Actionables

  • You can create a "Dreams and Goals Vision Board" with your partner to visually represent your shared and individual aspirations. Start by gathering magazines, markers, and a large poster board. Set aside an evening with your partner to cut out images and words that resonate with your dreams and goals. As you place them on the board, discuss how each element fits into your life together and what steps you'll need to take to achieve these dreams. This activity not only fosters mutual understanding but also serves as a daily reminder of your shared path.
  • Develop a "Financial Harmony Jar" where you and your partner contribute thoughts on money matters on slips of paper. Whenever you have a thought, concern, or idea about finances, write it down and put it in the jar. Set a regular time each week to empty the jar and discuss the contents openly. This ongoing practice ensures that financial conversations become a natural and consistent part of your relationship, allowing for proactive rather than reactive financial planning.
  • Organize a monthly ...

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Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)

Preparing For and Embracing Parenthood

Lewis and Martha are embarking on a new journey of parenthood, anticipating the arrival of their twins with preparations rooted in their premarital work.

Lewis and Martha Welcome Twins

Lewis and Martha Announce Pregnancy With Twins Prepared For Through Premarital Work

Lewis Howes and Martha Higareda Howes have proudly announced that they are expecting twins. They prepared for this new chapter in their lives through premarital counseling and processes, emphasizing the value of that groundwork for facing the challenges of parenthood. During a podcast episode, there may have been hints at a family expansion, suggesting the couple's preparation and readiness for the arrival of their twins. Martha has hinted at this family expansion, signaling their anticipation for parenthood, supported by the foundation laid during their premarital efforts.

Parenthood Demands Couple's Adjustment and Growth

Lewis and Martha Excited About Challenges, Anticipate Strong Foundation For Parenthood Transition

Lewis conveys excitement about becoming a parent, although he admits the full reality has yet to set in; he expects the anticipation to grow as he witnesses the physical changes of pregnancy and the ultimate arrival of the twins. With a forward-looking mindset, Lewis focuses on preparing and providing for the future. Martha observes Lewis’s eagerness for fatherhood and compares it to his approach to their marriage, exp ...

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Preparing For and Embracing Parenthood

Additional Materials

Actionables

  • Create a "parenthood preparation jar" where you and your partner write down one thing you're excited about and one concern about parenting each week, then discuss them during a dedicated time. This activity fosters open communication and helps you both understand each other's expectations and fears, ensuring you're on the same page as you approach the challenges of parenthood.
  • Develop a "new parent intimacy schedule" that includes regular date nights or intimate moments that fit into your anticipated new routine with twins. By planning these moments in advance, you can maintain your connection and intimacy despite the exhaustion and challenges that come with parenting.
  • Start a "family transition journ ...

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