425. Negotiating a Raise — and a Better Life | Chris Voss

Peterson and Chris Voss discuss how critical negotiation is for establishing productive, long-term partnerships that focus on a joint pursuit of mutual goals, emphasizing the importance of listening and understanding the motivations and fears of the parties involved.

The psychology and importance of listening in negotiation and establishing genuine relationships based on understanding motivation

Learning to listen from previous work as an FBI hostage negotiator and why it works

Chris Voss explains that an individual’s feeling of being unheard can lead to frustration and negative actions. Active listening and making someone feel heard can deactivate adverse responses and reveal the underlying issues.

Proactively listening by paraphrasing, summarizing, mirroring, and asking thoughtful questions

Voss and Peterson highlight that understanding a partner’s problems can lead to effective problem-solving and collaboration. They confirm that by actively listening—such as paraphrasing, summarizing, mirroring, and asking thoughtful questions—the negotiator can demonstrate empathy and work towards a solution that benefits all parties.

Using "what if?" questions to uncover fears that could become obstacles if left unaddressed

Chris Voss suggests asking questions like "What are you afraid of happening here?" to understand fears that might drive someone’s decisions. Understanding both what someone loves and fears is important, as fears can have a significant impact on motivations and decisions.

Listening to establish genuine empathy, honesty, and durable mutually-agreeable solutions

Peterson emphasizes the role of listening in discovering what the other party truly wants and helping them articulate it. This ensures a negotiation moves from a mere transactional interaction to establishing a relationship based on empathy and honesty. Furthermore, Peterson suggests that a voluntary agreement is the ideal outcome of successful negotiation, creating solutions that sustain themselves without constant oversight.

Chris Voss reinforces the value of understanding who you are interacting with in negotiations and ensuring that core values align, ...

Chris Voss shares insights from his experience with hostage negotiation and emphasizes the importance of "proactive listening" tools and techniques in crisis situations and beyond.

Mirroring words to encourage open and deeper thinking

While Chris Voss does not explicitly discuss mirroring in the provided content, it is a technique where you repeat the last three words—or the most critical one-to-three words—of what someone has just said, encouraging them to expound on their thoughts and continue speaking. This technique can allow the listener to guide the conversation without leading it.

Paraphrasing and summarizing to put yourself "on the same sheet of music"

Voss states that making people feel heard can deactivate adversarial responses and help get down to the real issues. He suggests making statements like "Seems like this whole process has frustrated you," demonstrating an effort to understand the other person's perspective, which relates to paraphrasing their experience. Paraphrasing is a way to concisely summarize the other side's perspective, which helps both parties understand they are in agreement on the subject matter.

Asking "what" and "how" questions to uncover core motivations rather than interrogate

Voss suggests using calibrated questions, not to get answers but to create thoughts in the other side's mind, thereby opening up their thinking. He advises asking questions such as "What happens if you guys don't fill this role?" or "How can I be most successful for you?" to uncover motivations. Voss discusses the effectiveness of asking "what" and "how" questions, explaining that they can narrow down the conversation to a specific mental state without the other person feeling confined. For instance, asking "What do you love about what you do for a living?" can open a dialogue focusing on the positive aspects and core values of the person he was speaking with.

Labeling negative emotions to diminish negativity and mov ...

In discussions about negotiation strategies, Peterson and Voss touch upon the detrimental impact of deception and the fundamental importance of truth and integrity in forming lasting agreements and relationships.

Why deception erodes credibility and trust, makes durable deals unlikely

Jordan Peterson voices the importance of integrity and honesty in dialogue, especially when aligning with a company's goals. Using questions honestly rather than as a manipulative technique fosters genuine understanding, he suggests.

Chris Voss asserts that durable agreements are best achieved through honesty rather than deception. He emphasizes that changes in behavior or mindset are more effectively nurtured through understanding, which comes from listening, not through persuasion or misleading tactics.

Valuing integrity over potential short-term "wins" from deception

Peterson denounces negotiation methods that prioritize short-term gains over mutual benefit. He argues that manipulating someone to gain an upper hand can lead to fragile relationships prone to retribution.

Voss also contrasts long-term relationship-building with deceptive practices, comparing deception with psychopathy and presenting it as a flawed strategy. He expresses that great salespeople focus on managing relationships and providing genuine solutions rather than seeking immediate profits at the expense of the client's needs.

Revealing obstacles and hard truths, even when tempting to hide them

The conversation suggests that addressing and acknowledging difficulties upfront contributes to meaningful progress in negotiations. By choosing to reveal the harsh reality in a high-stakes kidnapping rather than giving false assurances, Voss reflects the significance of integrity over easy lies.

Establishing genuine relationships built on honesty and trust

Voss points out that in workplaces where individuals are undervalued, no amount of negotiation will ...