Podcasts > The Dr. John Delony Show > How Often Should We Have Sex?

How Often Should We Have Sex?

By Eric Cieslewicz

In a candid discussion on The Dr. John Delony Show, host John Delony delves into the often-sensitive topic of differing sexual needs within marriage, centered around a couple's personal struggle with initiating physical intimacy. He navigates the complexities of how past mindsets and lifestyle choices can intricately weave into current marital challenges, including one spouse's sense of duty versus desire and the other's feelings of rejection. Delony provides compassionate guidance, inspired by Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are," and offers practical advice aimed at nurturing both sexual and non-sexual elements of the relationship to foster a healthier, more fulfilling connection.

This episode also ventures into the profound issue of veterans finding purpose after service, as exemplified by Austin's heartfelt story of his transition from military to civilian life. Delony earnestly addresses the psychological hurdles veterans face and underscores the importance of accessible mental health support, offering tangible resources such as BetterHelp. Further, he stresses the significance of building meaningful interactions between partners, exploring the various expressions of love beyond the bedroom. Offering a holistic view on building a vibrant marriage, Delony underscores the pursuit of deep, intentional companionship as a cornerstone for enriching both the emotional and physical bonds between spouses.

How Often Should We Have Sex?

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How Often Should We Have Sex?

1-Page Summary

Addressing Mismatched Sexual Intimacy Desires Between Married Couple

John Delony speaks with Joel and Elizabeth about the delicate issue of mismatched sexual desires. Elizabeth struggles with initiating sex, feeling it's more of a duty than a desire due to her past mindset of abstaining from sex. This has resulted in feelings of pressure and guilt when it comes to meeting Joel's sexual needs. Joel feels rejected and unloved when Elizabeth doesn't show desire for intimacy. Both recognize their prior adventurous life and its role in their current challenges. Delony suggests learning from "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski, discusses the potential impact of birth control, and recommends nurturing non-sexual aspects of their relationship as a means of improving sexual experiences.

Helping a Veteran Struggling to Find Purpose and Meaning

Austin, a veteran, opened up about his struggle with purpose after being medically separated from the military due to a hand injury. He occasionally experiences suicidal thoughts, although he doesn't identify as suicidal. Austin desires to live up to his grandfather's military legacy and feels lost in his civilian life. Delony acknowledges the necessity of mental health support, arranges for three free months of BetterHelp, and emphasizes the need for Austin to engage with local mental health professionals while being candid about his suicidal ideation. The conversation draws attention to the crucial need for mental health resources for veterans transitioning to civilian life to help them rebuild a sense of purpose.

Building non-sexual intimacy and connection between spouses

Delony discusses the importance of spouses intentionally engaging with each other to build non-sexual intimacy. He points out that spending evenings together doesn't ensure a true connection and urges couples to actively seek interactions beyond mere coexistence. He recommends understanding each other's love languages and engaging in activities that signify care, such as hand-holding, discussing interests, and planning distraction-free dinners and dates. Delony offers practical tools to facilitate deeper conversations and encourages couples to recommit to a marriage that prioritizes connection, joy, and mutual understanding in daily life.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski is a book that explores female sexuality and desire, focusing on understanding and embracing individual differences in how women experience and respond to sexual stimuli. Nagoski delves into the complexities of women's sexual responses, debunking myths and providing insights into the psychological and physiological aspects of arousal. The book offers practical advice on how women can cultivate a healthier relationship with their sexuality, emphasizing self-acceptance and empowerment. Nagoski's work aims to help women navigate and embrace their unique sexual experiences, promoting a more fulfilling and authentic approach to intimacy.
  • BetterHelp is an online platform that provides counseling and therapy services through licensed mental health professionals. It offers convenient and accessible support for individuals seeking help with various mental health concerns. Users can communicate with therapists via messaging, phone calls, or video sessions, making mental health care more flexible and convenient. BetterHelp aims to bridge the gap in mental health services by offering a range of therapeutic options for those in need.
  • Love languages are the different ways individuals express and receive love. The concept, popularized by Gary Chapman, includes five main love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Understanding your partner's love language can help improve communication, connection, and overall satisfaction in a relationship. It involves recognizing and appreciating how your partner prefers to give and receive love to strengthen emotional bonds.

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How Often Should We Have Sex?

Addressing Mismatched Sexual Intimacy Desires Between Married Couple

John Delony and the callers Joel and Elizabeth discuss the complexities of physical intimacy within marriage, highlighting the importance of understanding and responding to each partner's intimacy needs.

Wife Not Initiating or Wanting Sex as Frequently as Husband Would Like

Elizabeth reveals that she has difficulty initiating physical intimacy, something that doesn’t often come to mind for her. Despite agreeing with Joel that they should be more intimate, it’s hard for her to engage due to the fact that she spent 25 years training herself not to need sex before they met. This training has translated to feelings of pressure and guilt when it comes to fulfilling Joel’s sexual expectations, equating them to chores instead of acts of desire.

John Delony underlines the importance of asking women what they want in terms of sexual intimacy and encourages both partners to communicate their desires openly. He also references Emily Nagoski’s book "Come As You Are" to help them understand each other’s perspectives on initiating and engaging in sex, using Nagoski’s concept of sexual responses as a combination of accelerators and brakes as a tool to explore sexual desire.

The couple also considers whether birth control is influencing Elizabeth’s sexual desire, and Delony acknowledges the need to address non-sexual areas of their relationship to relieve pressure and make sexual experiences more joyful.

Husband Feels Hurt and Unloved When Wife Doesn't Want Sex

Meanwhile, Joel expresses that physical touch and quality time are his primary love languages, making sex an important part of intimacy and quality time with Elizabeth. He feels hurt by her lack of desire for intim ...

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Addressing Mismatched Sexual Intimacy Desires Between Married Couple

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Emily Nagoski's concept of sexual responses as a combination of accelerators and brakes explains that sexual desire and arousal are influenced by both factors that accelerate or enhance arousal (accelerators) and factors that inhibit or decrease arousal (brakes). Accelerators can be things like physical touch, romantic gestures, or erotic thoughts that increase arousal, while brakes can be stress, fatigue, or negative emotions that decrease arousal. Understanding these accelerators and brakes can help individuals and couples navigate and enhance their sexual experiences by managing the factors that impact their arousal levels.
  • Love languages are the different ways individuals express and receive love. There are five main love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Understanding your partner's love language can help improve communication and strengthen emotional connections in a relationship. It's a concept popularized by author Gary Chapman in his book "The 5 Love Languages."
  • Birth control methods, such as hormonal contraceptives, can impact a person's libido and sexual desire due to changes in hormone levels. Some individuals may experience a decrease in sexual desire as a side effect of certain birth control methods. It's important to consider the potential influence of birth control on sexual desire when exploring intimacy issues within a relationship. Discussing this aspect with a healthcare provider can help in understanding and addressing any impact on sexual intimacy.
  • Creating non-sexual intimate ex ...

Counterarguments

  • While open communication is crucial, it's important to recognize that not all individuals may be comfortable or skilled in articulating their sexual desires, and this can be a significant barrier to improving intimacy.
  • The concept of sexual responses as a combination of accelerators and brakes is helpful, but it may not account for all the nuances of an individual's sexuality or the complexities of a couple's sexual dynamics.
  • Considering the influence of birth control on sexual desire is valid, but it's also important to acknowledge that libido can be affected by a wide range of factors, including stress, health issues, and emotional well-being, which may require a broader approach to address.
  • While non-sexual intimacy can help foster closeness, it should not be viewed as a substitute for sexual intimacy if that is an important aspect of a couple's relationship; both types of intimacy may need to be nurtured in parallel.
  • The emphasis on growth in non-sexual aspects of the relationship is important, but it should not overshadow the need to also directly address and work on the sexual component of the relationship if it is causing distress.
  • The ...

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How Often Should We Have Sex?

Helping a Veteran Struggling to Find Purpose and Meaning

Caller #3, Austin, articulates his profound struggle with finding purpose after being medically separated from the military, expressing feelings as if the world might be better off without him.

Veteran medically discharged from military due to injury

Austin was medically discharged from the military in 2021 after an injury to his dominant hand significantly reduced his grip strength, causing difficulty with tasks such as holding objects. This physical setback marked the end of his military career, leaving him to grapple with a transition to civilian life that he hadn't anticipated or prepared for.

Veteran struggling with suicidal thoughts and not finding purpose in civilian life

Austin shares that he often doesn’t see a reason to get out of bed in the morning, indicating a deep loss of purpose. He reveals that he's considered the financial aspect of his death, noting that his family would be taken care of if anything happened to him. Despite these thoughts, he denies being suicidal, though host John Delony senses Austin may be closer to self-harm than he admits.

Austin reflects on his desire to emulate his grandfather's military legacy, admitting he never envisioned a starkly different life path, such as coming home to start a family. The emotional burden of not finding a role after his service weighs heavily on Austin, contributing to his struggle.

Importance of connecting veteran with mental health professionals

Delony acknowledges Austin’s financial difficulties in continuing therapy after only one session through Bette ...

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Helping a Veteran Struggling to Find Purpose and Meaning

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • BetterHelp is an online platform that offers counseling and therapy services through web or phone text communication. Founded in 2013, it provides access to professional mental health support for individuals seeking therapy. Acquired by Teladoc in 2015, BetterHelp continues to operate independently under its brand name, offering a convenient and accessible way for people to connect with licensed therapists. The platform allows users to have live therapy sessions and access support 24/7 from any Internet-connected device.
  • Transitioning from military to civilian life can be challenging for veterans due to the abrupt change in routine, identity, and support systems. Veterans may struggle to find a new sense of purpose and belonging outside the structured environment of the military. Factors like physical injuries, mental health issues, and difficulty translating military skills to civilian jobs can compound the challenges faced during this transition. Access to mental health resources and support services is crucial in helping veterans navigate this period of adjustment and find fulfillment in their post-military lives.
  • The importance of mental health support for veterans lies in addressing the unique challenges they face post-military service, such as transitioning to civilian life, coping with trauma, and finding a sense of purpose. Professional mental health assistance can help veterans navigate these difficulties, manage mental health conditions like PTSD, and prevent crises like suicidal thoughts. Access to mental health resources is crucial for veterans to receive the necessary support, guidance, and tools to improve their well-being and quality of life. By seeking help from mental health professionals, veterans can work towards healing, resilience, and a successful reintegration into civilian society.
  • Continuing therapy after only one session is significant because therapy is a process that typically requires multiple sessions to see lasting benefit ...

Counterarguments

...

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How Often Should We Have Sex?

Building non-sexual intimacy and connection between spouses

John Delony addresses the challenges couples face in building non-sexual intimacy and offers practical advice to spouses seeking deeper connections, emphasizing active engagement and intentional efforts over proximity and routine.

Spouses spending evenings together but not truly connecting

Delony identifies a common issue where spouses spend their evenings in the same space but are distracted by phones or TV rather than engaging with each other. Caller #4 shares that he and his wife fall into the pattern of being on their phones or watching a show after their son goes to bed, which Delony describes as "dying next to each other on a couch of loneliness." He stresses that this is not a connection but merely two individuals coexisting without interacting.

Husband taking initiative to plan intentional dates and quality time

Delony advises the couple to put down their phones and actively seek ways to connect, such as playing games together or discussing books and podcasts they enjoy. He suggests creating "green lights" for each other, which includes understanding and acting upon the partner's love language, like words of affirmation, to build their non-sexual intimacy.

To foster this intimacy, Delony gives the couple "fun homework" which involves holding hands in public, putting an arm around the partner, or even doing dishes together — all acts that build desire and practice non-sexual intimacy. He highlights the importance of discussing what each partner loves and wants outside the bedroom.

Delony also advises planning a dinner without distractions where they can have honest conv ...

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Building non-sexual intimacy and connection between spouses

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • "Green lights" in the context of building non-sexual intimacy between spouses are signals or cues that partners give each other to indicate that they are open and receptive to connection and intimacy. These signals can include actions or behaviors that show understanding and support for each other's emotional needs and desires, fostering a sense of safety and encouragement in the relationship. By recognizing and responding to these "green lights," couples can strengthen their bond and deepen their connection outside of physical intimacy.
  • Love languages are ways individuals give and receive love, categorized into five main types: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Each person has a primary love language that influences how they feel most loved and connected in relationships. Understanding and expressing love through each other's love languages can deepen emotional intimacy and strengthen bonds between partners. It's important to communicate and cater to each other's love languages to foster a fulfilling and harmonious relationship.
  • "Questions for humans" cards are a tool designed to spark meaningful conversat ...

Counterarguments

  • While active engagement is important, some couples may find comfort and intimacy in shared silence or individual activities done in each other's presence, suggesting that proximity and routine can also contribute to a sense of connection.
  • The assumption that evenings spent with phones or TV always lead to a lack of connection may not hold true for all couples; some may bond over shared media experiences or use technology to facilitate conversation and connection.
  • The idea of putting down phones to connect might not consider the modern reality where digital communication can also foster intimacy, such as sharing interesting finds online or playing video games together.
  • The concept of "green lights" and love languages may not resonate with everyone, as some individuals or couples may not subscribe to these frameworks or may find them too prescriptive.
  • The suggestion that non-sexual intimacy can be practiced through physical touch or shared tasks may not account for individual differences in comfort with physical affection or the division of labor in a relationship.
  • The focus on discussing desires outside the bedroom might not be comfortable or necessary for all couples, as some may prefer to keep certain aspects of their relationship private or may communicate their needs in different ways.
  • The advice for husbands to take the initiative in planning dates and creating a new marriage dynamic could be seen as reinforcing traditional gender roles, and it may be ...

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