In a candid discussion on The Dr. John Delony Show, host John Delony delves into the often-sensitive topic of differing sexual needs within marriage, centered around a couple's personal struggle with initiating physical intimacy. He navigates the complexities of how past mindsets and lifestyle choices can intricately weave into current marital challenges, including one spouse's sense of duty versus desire and the other's feelings of rejection. Delony provides compassionate guidance, inspired by Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are," and offers practical advice aimed at nurturing both sexual and non-sexual elements of the relationship to foster a healthier, more fulfilling connection.
This episode also ventures into the profound issue of veterans finding purpose after service, as exemplified by Austin's heartfelt story of his transition from military to civilian life. Delony earnestly addresses the psychological hurdles veterans face and underscores the importance of accessible mental health support, offering tangible resources such as BetterHelp. Further, he stresses the significance of building meaningful interactions between partners, exploring the various expressions of love beyond the bedroom. Offering a holistic view on building a vibrant marriage, Delony underscores the pursuit of deep, intentional companionship as a cornerstone for enriching both the emotional and physical bonds between spouses.
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John Delony speaks with Joel and Elizabeth about the delicate issue of mismatched sexual desires. Elizabeth struggles with initiating sex, feeling it's more of a duty than a desire due to her past mindset of abstaining from sex. This has resulted in feelings of pressure and guilt when it comes to meeting Joel's sexual needs. Joel feels rejected and unloved when Elizabeth doesn't show desire for intimacy. Both recognize their prior adventurous life and its role in their current challenges. Delony suggests learning from "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski, discusses the potential impact of birth control, and recommends nurturing non-sexual aspects of their relationship as a means of improving sexual experiences.
Austin, a veteran, opened up about his struggle with purpose after being medically separated from the military due to a hand injury. He occasionally experiences suicidal thoughts, although he doesn't identify as suicidal. Austin desires to live up to his grandfather's military legacy and feels lost in his civilian life. Delony acknowledges the necessity of mental health support, arranges for three free months of BetterHelp, and emphasizes the need for Austin to engage with local mental health professionals while being candid about his suicidal ideation. The conversation draws attention to the crucial need for mental health resources for veterans transitioning to civilian life to help them rebuild a sense of purpose.
Delony discusses the importance of spouses intentionally engaging with each other to build non-sexual intimacy. He points out that spending evenings together doesn't ensure a true connection and urges couples to actively seek interactions beyond mere coexistence. He recommends understanding each other's love languages and engaging in activities that signify care, such as hand-holding, discussing interests, and planning distraction-free dinners and dates. Delony offers practical tools to facilitate deeper conversations and encourages couples to recommit to a marriage that prioritizes connection, joy, and mutual understanding in daily life.
1-Page Summary
John Delony and the callers Joel and Elizabeth discuss the complexities of physical intimacy within marriage, highlighting the importance of understanding and responding to each partner's intimacy needs.
Elizabeth reveals that she has difficulty initiating physical intimacy, something that doesn’t often come to mind for her. Despite agreeing with Joel that they should be more intimate, it’s hard for her to engage due to the fact that she spent 25 years training herself not to need sex before they met. This training has translated to feelings of pressure and guilt when it comes to fulfilling Joel’s sexual expectations, equating them to chores instead of acts of desire.
John Delony underlines the importance of asking women what they want in terms of sexual intimacy and encourages both partners to communicate their desires openly. He also references Emily Nagoski’s book "Come As You Are" to help them understand each other’s perspectives on initiating and engaging in sex, using Nagoski’s concept of sexual responses as a combination of accelerators and brakes as a tool to explore sexual desire.
The couple also considers whether birth control is influencing Elizabeth’s sexual desire, and Delony acknowledges the need to address non-sexual areas of their relationship to relieve pressure and make sexual experiences more joyful.
Meanwhile, Joel expresses that physical touch and quality time are his primary love languages, making sex an important part of intimacy and quality time with Elizabeth. He feels hurt by her lack of desire for intim ...
Addressing Mismatched Sexual Intimacy Desires Between Married Couple
Caller #3, Austin, articulates his profound struggle with finding purpose after being medically separated from the military, expressing feelings as if the world might be better off without him.
Austin was medically discharged from the military in 2021 after an injury to his dominant hand significantly reduced his grip strength, causing difficulty with tasks such as holding objects. This physical setback marked the end of his military career, leaving him to grapple with a transition to civilian life that he hadn't anticipated or prepared for.
Austin shares that he often doesn’t see a reason to get out of bed in the morning, indicating a deep loss of purpose. He reveals that he's considered the financial aspect of his death, noting that his family would be taken care of if anything happened to him. Despite these thoughts, he denies being suicidal, though host John Delony senses Austin may be closer to self-harm than he admits.
Austin reflects on his desire to emulate his grandfather's military legacy, admitting he never envisioned a starkly different life path, such as coming home to start a family. The emotional burden of not finding a role after his service weighs heavily on Austin, contributing to his struggle.
Delony acknowledges Austin’s financial difficulties in continuing therapy after only one session through Bette ...
Helping a Veteran Struggling to Find Purpose and Meaning
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John Delony addresses the challenges couples face in building non-sexual intimacy and offers practical advice to spouses seeking deeper connections, emphasizing active engagement and intentional efforts over proximity and routine.
Delony identifies a common issue where spouses spend their evenings in the same space but are distracted by phones or TV rather than engaging with each other. Caller #4 shares that he and his wife fall into the pattern of being on their phones or watching a show after their son goes to bed, which Delony describes as "dying next to each other on a couch of loneliness." He stresses that this is not a connection but merely two individuals coexisting without interacting.
Delony advises the couple to put down their phones and actively seek ways to connect, such as playing games together or discussing books and podcasts they enjoy. He suggests creating "green lights" for each other, which includes understanding and acting upon the partner's love language, like words of affirmation, to build their non-sexual intimacy.
To foster this intimacy, Delony gives the couple "fun homework" which involves holding hands in public, putting an arm around the partner, or even doing dishes together — all acts that build desire and practice non-sexual intimacy. He highlights the importance of discussing what each partner loves and wants outside the bedroom.
Delony also advises planning a dinner without distractions where they can have honest conv ...
Building non-sexual intimacy and connection between spouses
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