Podcasts > The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett > *NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!

*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!

By Steven Bartlett

In this episode of The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett, body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards explores the intricacies of personality traits, nonverbal communication, and interpersonal dynamics. She delves into the five primary personality dimensions, highlighting their hereditary influences and potential for development. The discussion then pivots to the power of microexpressions in conveying underlying emotions and detecting deception.

Van Edwards also shares insights on making effective first impressions, both in-person and online. Additionally, she examines how personality traits shape relationship dynamics, whether romantic or professional, shedding light on compatibility factors and strategies for building meaningful connections. Overall, this episode equips listeners with a deeper understanding of human behavior and provides valuable tools for navigating various social and personal contexts.

*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!

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*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!

1-Page Summary

Personality Types and Traits

Vanessa Van Edwards explains the five key personality traits on the OCEAN spectrum: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Though 42-57% heritable, these traits allow 30-40% potential for change.

Openness vs. Routine

Open individuals seek novelty and variety, gaining [restricted term] from new experiences. Conversely, those low in openness prefer tradition and routine.

Conscientiousness and Organization

Highly conscientious people thrive with structure and organization, utilizing tools like spreadsheets and compartmental bags. Those lower in conscientiousness may benefit from habit-building resources.

Extraversion: Social Energy vs. Depletion

Extraverts gain energy through social interaction, while introverts expend energy in the same situations. Most fall in the "ambivert" middle, exhibiting both tendencies contextually.

Agreeableness: People-Pleasing vs. Direct Communication

The highly agreeable struggle to set boundaries, often overcommitting to please others. Lower agreeableness allows for direct refusal and voicing of dissatisfaction when needed.

Neuroticism: Serotonin Response and Worry

Due to slower serotonin production, those high in neuroticism experience prolonged negative emotions and excessive worry as a protective response. Low neuroticism enables quicker stress recovery.

Nonverbal Communication and Microexpressions

Van Edwards highlights the importance of seven universal microexpressions: fear, disgust, anger, happiness, sadness, surprise, and contempt. Understanding these involuntary facial cues reveals underlying emotions and facilitates empathetic responses.

Detecting Deception and Discomfort

Microexpressions can signal deceit (e.g. disgust when lying) or discomfort (e.g. fear during a presentation). Van Edwards advises monitoring these cues to address issues proactively.

Evolutionary Emotional Signaling

Microexpressions serve evolutionary purposes, like fear widening vision for danger detection, and anger displaying confrontational readiness. Recognizing these meanings informs appropriate response.

Making Effective First Impressions

First impressions significantly influence perception of personality traits like extroversion and agreeableness, forming within seconds based on appearance and body language before conversation.

Open Body Language and Eye Contact

Van Edwards advises using warm, open body language with 60% eye contact to convey approachability and confidence when meeting new people.

Unique Introductions Over Generic Scripts

Memorable impressions result from unique greetings and backstories that deviate from typical small talk, sparking curiosity and engagement.

Online First Impressions Matter

Curating visuals like profile pictures and leveraging intentional body language and camera framing create strong remote first impressions.

Relationship Dynamics and Compatibility

Van Edwards explores how personality traits impact relationship dynamics, both romantic and professional.

Personality Clashes and Shared Struggles

Opposing traits like nervousness can trigger conflicts, while teams lacking diversity may share blindspots. However, difference can also complement when managed properly.

Matching Extraversion and Neuroticism

Compatible partners tend to share similar levels of extraversion and neuroticism to prevent fundamental misunderstandings and tension.

Building Connections Through Mutual Interests

Van Edwards' "thread theory" highlights forging bonds through discovering shared enthusiasms, dates, or experiences that facilitate "me too" moments of alignment.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • The OCEAN spectrum is a model used in psychology to describe personality traits. It stands for Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism. These traits help categorize individuals based on their tendencies and behaviors. The OCEAN model is widely used in personality psychology to understand and analyze different aspects of human personality.
  • Ambivert is a term used to describe individuals who exhibit both extroverted and introverted tendencies depending on the situation. They can enjoy social interactions but also need time alone to recharge, falling between the extremes of extroversion and introversion. Ambiverts can adapt their behavior to suit different contexts, showing flexibility in their social interactions. Understanding ambiverts helps recognize that personality traits exist on a spectrum rather than in strict categories.
  • Microexpressions are fleeting facial expressions that reveal true emotions before individuals can consciously control them. They typically last less than half a second and are difficult to conceal. These expressions convey universal emotions like disgust, anger, fear, sadness, happiness, contempt, and surprise. Microexpressions play a crucial role in understanding underlying emotions and detecting deception.

Counterarguments

  • While openness is associated with seeking novelty, some individuals may find deep satisfaction and creativity within routine and tradition.
  • Conscientiousness is beneficial for organization, but excessive conscientiousness can lead to inflexibility and difficulty adapting to unexpected changes.
  • The concept of ambiverts suggests flexibility, but it may oversimplify the complexity of how individuals interact with social situations, which can vary greatly depending on context and personal history.
  • Agreeableness is often seen as a positive trait, but being too agreeable can sometimes lead to a lack of assertiveness and difficulty in making tough decisions.
  • Low neuroticism is associated with quicker stress recovery, but it could also result in underestimating risks and failing to prepare for potential challenges.
  • The interpretation of microexpressions is not always straightforward, and relying too heavily on them can lead to misjudgments, especially across different cultures where expressions may have different meanings.
  • First impressions are important, but they can also be misleading and do not always provide an accurate understanding of someone's personality or capabilities.
  • The advice to use 60% eye contact may not be suitable for all cultures or individuals, as comfort levels with eye contact can vary widely.
  • Unique introductions and greetings can be memorable, but they also run the risk of coming off as contrived or inappropriate in certain professional settings.
  • Online first impressions are increasingly important, but they can also be manipulated, leading to a potential disconnect between online personas and real-life behaviors.
  • While sharing similar levels of extraversion and neuroticism might indicate compatibility, successful relationships often require more than just matching personality traits, such as effective communication and shared values.
  • The idea that diversity in teams can complement is valid, but it also requires effective management and communication strategies to prevent and resolve conflicts that may arise from differences.
  • Building connections through mutual interests is a useful strategy, but it's also important to recognize and appreciate the value of diverse perspectives and experiences that may not align with one's own.

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*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!

Personality Types and Traits

Vanessa Van Edwards discusses the five main personality traits known as OCEAN: openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism, which fall on a spectrum and are 42 to 57% heritable, suggesting a genetic influence. However, changes are still possible, with a potential for 30 to 40% change depending on where one is on the spectrum.

Five Trait Spectrum: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism

Personality traits are somewhat heritable, with genetics playing a significant role in how these traits express themselves.

Traits Are 42-57% Heritable, Showing Genetics' Significant Role but Allowing Change

Vanessa Van Edwards notes that every person has five personality traits which fall on a spectrum: high, medium, or low. These traits are between 42 to 57% heritable, indicating a genetic influence while still allowing for a degree of change.

Openness Denotes Curiosity and Receptivity To New Experiences; Low Openness Indicates a Preference For Routine

People high in openness are naturally curious, creative, and receptive to new experiences. They receive a [restricted term] boost when trying new things due to the DRD4 gene. Alternatively, those low in openness prefer tradition and routine.

Open People Seek Novelty; Low Open People Prefer Tradition

Those who are high in openness may find satisfaction in novelty and exploring the unknown, while those low in openness gravitate towards familiarity and established practices.

Conscientiousness Involves one's Approach to Organization and Follow-Through

Conscientious individuals tend to be detail-oriented and organized. Lifelong singles may exhibit lower conscientiousness, indicating challenges in meeting new people due to difficulties with follow-through on plans.

Conscientious People Excel With Structure; Less Conscientious Aren't Bothered by Disorganization

People with high conscientiousness appreciate organization and structure, making systematic use of tools like spreadsheets, Post-it notes, and functional purses with multiple compartments. Those with low to medium conscientiousness might be less inclined to organization yet could improve through resources like habit books.

Extraversion: Extraverts Gain Energy From Interaction; Introverts Are Drained by It

Extraversion is characterized by gaining energy from social interactions, whereas introverts might feel drained by them. People are often ambiverts and exhibit both behaviors, though some roles like sales may be better suited to those high in extraversion.

Most People Are Ambiverts, Engaging In Extraverted and Introverted Behaviors

Most individuals fall into the category of ambiverts, who can engage in both extraverted and introverted behaviors depending on the situation.

Agreeableness Concerns Teamwork and Pleasing Others

Highly agreeable people struggle with setting boundaries and often say yes to everything to be liked, which may result in overcommitting. Lower agreeableness can be beneficial for leadership roles becau ...

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Personality Types and Traits

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • The DRD4 gene is a gene that encodes a [restricted term] receptor in the brain. Variations in the DRD4 gene have been associated with differences in personality traits, particularly openness to new experiences. Individuals with certain variations in the DRD4 gene may experience a stronger [restricted term] response when trying new things, leading to a higher level of curiosity and receptivity to novel experiences. This genetic influence can contribute to differences in how individuals perceive and engage with the world around them.
  • Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that plays a role in regulating mood and emotions. In the context of neuroticism, individuals with slower serotonin production may experience prolonged negative emotions and have difficulty recovering from stressful events. On the other hand, those with faster serotonin response tend to be emotionally stable and recover more quickly from negative experiences. This difference in serotonin production can contribute to the varying levels of neuroticism observed among individuals.
  • Individuals who are lifelong singles may exhibit lower conscientiousness, which can manifest as challenges in meeting new people due to difficulties with follow-through on plans. This lower conscientiousness may impact their ability to organize and structure their social interactions and relationships effectively. It is important to note that conscientiousness is just one aspect of personality and does not define a person's worth or capabilities.
  • Ambiverts are individuals who exhibit both extraverted and introverted behaviors, depending on the situation. They can enjoy social interactions but also need time alone to recharge. Ambiverts can adapt their behavior to suit different social contexts, making them versatile in various situations. This flexibility a ...

Counterarguments

  • The heritability of personality traits does not account for the full complexity of human behavior, as environmental factors and personal experiences also play a significant role in shaping personality.
  • While openness is associated with curiosity and creativity, not all individuals with low openness lack these qualities; they may simply express them differently or in more familiar contexts.
  • Conscientiousness is beneficial for organization, but being overly conscientious can lead to stress and burnout if not balanced with flexibility and self-care.
  • The concept of extraversion and introversion as a binary may be overly simplistic, as people can exhibit a wide range of behaviors across different contexts, not just those of ambiverts.
  • Agreeableness is important for social harmony, but being too agreeable can lead to personal dissatisfaction if it means consistently sacrificing one's own needs or opinions.
  • Leadership effectiveness is not solely determined by one's level of agreeableness; other factors such as emotional intelligence, decision-making skills, and vision are also critical.
  • The association between neuroticism and serotonin production is an overs ...

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*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!

Nonverbal Communication and Microexpressions

Nonverbal communication plays a significant role in human interactions, and one especially revealing aspect is the use of microexpressions. Vanessa Van Edwards highlights the importance and implications of these involuntary facial expressions.

Universal Microexpressions: Fear, Disgust, Anger, Happiness, Sadness, Surprise, Contempt

Microexpressions Reveal Underlying Emotions

Vanessa identifies seven universal microexpressions: fear, disgust, anger, happiness, sadness, surprise, and contempt, which convey the same emotions across different demographics. She focuses on the evolutionary aspect of certain expressions, such as a baby’s pout, which instinctively triggers our empathy. Fear, for instance, is indicated by eyes widening to reveal the upper whites, a facial cue that is unnatural unless one is genuinely afraid. Disgust manifests as a crinkled nose and flashed upper teeth, often as a reaction to bad tastes or smells but also when encountering displeasing information or experiences.

Recognizing Microexpressions Allows Empathetic Responses

Understanding microexpressions can also correlate with empathy and appropriate responses. For example, noticing a downward frown at work might prompt offering help or space, and detecting expressions of disgust or contempt could signal deeper issues that require attention. When someone is lying about their preferences, a disgust microexpression might appear, as the deceit can induce self-disgust. Recognizing surprise versus fear can also aid in assessing whether someone is genuinely uninformed or potentially hiding the truth.

Monitoring Microexpressions Aids In Detecting Deceit, Anxiety, or Contempt

Vanessa discusses the significant role of microexpressions in revealing deeper feelings and motivations. For example, contempt, which can manifest as a one-sided mouth raise or smirk, often indicates a sense of superiority and, in relationships, could predict divorce. To address this in communication, it is essential to ask probing questions and engage the other person to prevent disrespect and hatred from growing.

In social interactions, such as a handshake, people may subconsciously smell their hand after the exchange as a way to sense something about the other person’s personality. Vanessa points out that these subtle nonverbal cues can reveal much about an individual's thoughts and emotions.

Microexpress ...

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Nonverbal Communication and Microexpressions

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Microexpressions are brief, involuntary facial expressions that reveal a person's true emotions. Examples of universal microexpressions include fear (widened eyes), disgust (crinkled nose), anger (tightened jaw), happiness (smile), sadness (dropped corners of the mouth), surprise (raised eyebrows), and contempt (one-sided mouth raise or smirk). These expressions are quick and often subconscious, providing insights into a person's underlying feelings and thoughts. Understanding and recognizing microexpressions can enhance empathy, aid in detecting deceit, and improve communication in various social interactions.
  • Facial expressions like fear and anger have evolutionary roots that helped our ancestors survive by signaling danger or readiness for conflict. For example, fear expressions widen our field of vision and increase oxygen intake, preparing us to escape or seek help. Anger expressions make a face appear more formidable, serving as a warning and preparing for potential confrontations. These expressions have adaptive functions that aid in survival and social interactions.
  • Understanding microexpressions can enhance empathy by allowing individuals to recognize and respond to subtle emotional cues. For example, detecting a microexpression of sadness can prompt a compassionate response, while noticing contempt may signal underlying issues requiring attention. Empathy is fostered through the ability to interpret these fleeting facial expressions accurately, leading to more meaningful and empathetic interactions. Recognizing and responding to microexpressions can deepen emotional connections and improve communication by demonstrating attentiveness and understanding.
  • In social interactions, subtle nonverbal cues during a handshake, such as someone subtly smelling their hand afterward, can provide insights into the other person's personality or hygiene habits. This action may be subconscious and can offer clues about the individual's attention to detail or sensory awareness. Observing these ...

Counterarguments

  • The interpretation of microexpressions is not universally reliable due to cultural differences and individual variations in expression and emotional experience.
  • The ability to accurately detect and interpret microexpressions requires extensive training and even then, it is not infallible.
  • Microexpressions are fleeting and can be easily missed or misinterpreted, leading to misunderstandings rather than a deeper understanding.
  • The assumption that certain microexpressions are linked to specific emotions is an oversimplification of the complex relationship between facial expressions and internal states.
  • The belief that microexpressions can predict divorce or other outcomes in relationships may be overstated and lacks consideration of the multifaceted nature of human relationships.
  • The focus on microexpressions may lead to overemphasis on nonverbal cues at the expense of other important communication factors, such as context and verbal content.
  • The idea that microexpressions are always involuntary and therefore reliable indicators of true feelings is challenged by research showing that some individuals can control or fake microexpressions.
  • The evolutionary explanations f ...

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*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!

Making Effective First Impressions

Vanessa Van Edwards and Steven Bartlett delve into the nuances of making first impressions, emphasizing their critical nature and the importance of nonverbal cues, body language, and unique interactions in forming lasting images in others' minds.

First Impressions Judge Personality Traits Quickly

First Impressions Occur Before Conversation, Based On Appearance, Body Language, and Nonverbal Cues

Studies show that first impressions are 76% accurate in reflecting personality traits like extroversion, agreeableness, and conscientiousness, with neuroticism being the hardest to guess as people can hide it well. Vanessa Van Edwards mentions that personality traits can sometimes be discerned from a handshake. First impressions form in the first few seconds of seeing someone, based on appearance, body language, and nonverbal cues before any conversation starts.

Create a Great First Impression With Warm Body Language and Eye Contact

Vanessa Van Edwards highlights the importance of open body language and making eye contact when meeting new people. She notes that closed-off body language affects your voice and can negatively impact a first impression. A firm handshake, typically a mark of extroversion, is part of the first impression one gets before engaging in conversation. For women, gestures like touching their hair or lips can show physical attraction and hence make a positive impression.

Avoid Closed-Off Body Language

The universal defeat posture, involving looking down with little space between shoulders and earlobes, and keeping arms close to the sides, makes a negative first impression. Vanessa Van Edwards points out the problems with embracing closed body positions, especially as it relates to vocal power when speaking. She also advises against sunglasses in photos because they block eye contact and suggests maintaining 60% eye contact to convey warmth and competence without being too intense.

Unique Greetings and Breaking Scripts Create Memorable Impressions

To stand out and create a memorable impression, Vanessa Van Edwards recommends using unique conversational approaches and avoiding scripted interactions. She suggests asking questions that elicit positive responses and adding depth to the conversation to stand out from typical small talk. Sharing an interesting story about one's work or mentioning a passion can lead to a more engaging and memorable introduction. Being distinctive in online communications makes one memorable and piques people's curiosity.

Stand ...

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Making Effective First Impressions

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Counterarguments

  • While first impressions can provide quick judgments of personality traits, they may not always be accurate or fair, as they can be influenced by biases and stereotypes.
  • The claim that first impressions are 76% accurate in reflecting certain personality traits may be contested, as different studies can yield varying results, and the accuracy can depend on the context and the observer's perceptiveness.
  • Warm body language and eye contact are generally recommended, but cultural differences can affect how these behaviors are perceived; what is considered warm and inviting in one culture may be seen as intrusive or aggressive in another.
  • The emphasis on avoiding closed-off body language might overlook situations where such body language is appropriate or necessary, such as in cases of personal discomfort or cultural norms that favor more reserved behavior.
  • Unique greetings and breaking scripts can indeed create memorable impressions, but they also run the risk of coming off as contrived or inappropriate if not aligned with the social context or if the other person prefers trad ...

Actionables

  • You can refine your wardrobe to ensure it aligns with the image you want to project during first encounters. Start by selecting outfits that are not only appropriate for the occasion but also reflect your personality and the traits you wish to convey. For example, if you want to appear approachable and creative, incorporate bright colors or unique accessories into your attire for networking events.
  • Practice a two-minute personal pitch that encapsulates who you are and what you're passionate about. Use this pitch when meeting new people instead of defaulting to generic small talk. For instance, instead of saying "I work in marketing," you could say, "I help brands tell their stories in a way that resonates with people's hearts and minds."
  • Create a digital busine ...

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*NEW* Body Language Expert: When You Do This You Look like A Loser...(Sorry But You Do)! This Is The Real Reason You're Still Single!

Relationship Dynamics and Compatibility

Vanessa Van Edwards delves into the world of relationship dynamics, emphasizing the importance of understanding personality traits both in romantic and workplace settings.

Understanding Personality in Relationships and Workplaces

Traits' Differences Like Openness, Conscientiousness, and Extraversion Can Lead To Conflicts

People's unique "flavors" or personality traits can significantly influence dynamics within relationships and the workplace, according to Vanessa Van Edwards. It's essential to analyze one's own personality and how it might mesh with that of others. She notes that a lack of trait diversity in a corporate team might lead to shared issues and an increased chance of conflict. Similarly, differences in traits like openness can result in day-to-day relationship disputes, such as choosing a restaurant. Edwards points out that being around individuals with different traits, such as nervousness, can trigger similar feelings in oneself, potentially causing friction.

Compatible Partners Share Similar Extraversion and Neuroticism Levels

Core Trait Alignment Prevents Tension Despite Opposites Attracting

Van Edwards discusses that while people often seek individuals with diverse personalities, certain core trait alignments—such as matching levels of extraversion and neuroticism—are crucial to prevent tension in relationships. For example, a high neurotic individual paired with a low neurotic partner may face misunderstandings if one cannot comprehend the other's worry. Nonetheless, when properly managed, these differences can also lead to effective relationships.

Connecting Through Shared Experiences and "Me too" Moments

Deepening Bonds Through Genuine Interest

The concept of "thread theory," which Van Edwards introduces, revolves around creating connections through 'me too' moments in conversations, where shared interests or experiences forge bonds and release serotonin. By discovering mutual interests, such as birthdays or zodiac signs, individuals can create these moments. Showing genuine interest and avoidin ...

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Relationship Dynamics and Compatibility

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Core trait alignment in relationships involves having similar levels of fundamental personality traits, such as extraversion and neuroticism, between partners. This alignment helps prevent tension and misunderstandings in relationships. For instance, matching levels of neuroticism can aid in mutual understanding of each other's worries and concerns. While some differences can be beneficial, having core traits aligned can contribute to smoother communication and relationship dynamics.
  • Thread theory, as introduced by Vanessa Van Edwards, focuses on creating connections through shared experiences or interests in conversations. 'Me too' moments occur when individuals find common ground or similarities in their experiences, leading to a sense of connection and understanding. These moments help build rapport and strengthen relationships by fostering a feeling of camaraderie and shared understanding. By recognizing and engaging in 'me too' moments, individuals can deepen their connections with others through mutual experiences and interests.
  • Chemical bonds like [restricted term] and adrenaline play a role in relationships by influencing emotions and behaviors. [restricted term] is often called the "love hormone" as it is linked to bonding, trust, and social connection. Adrenaline, known as the "fight or flight" hormone, can heighten arousal and excitement in relationships. These chemicals ...

Counterarguments

  • While personality traits can lead to conflicts, it's also possible that conflict arises from poor communication, misunderstanding, or external stressors rather than inherent trait differences.
  • A lack of trait diversity in a team might also foster a harmonious environment where individuals work well together due to shared values and approaches, potentially increasing efficiency.
  • Day-to-day disputes in relationships may not always stem from differences in traits like openness but could be due to situational factors, mood, or individual preferences unrelated to personality.
  • Being around individuals with different traits can also be an opportunity for personal growth and learning, rather than just causing friction.
  • Compatible partners do not necessarily need to share similar levels of extraversion and neuroticism; some research suggests that complementary traits can also contribute to a successful relationship.
  • Core trait alignment might help prevent tension, but it is not the only factor in a successful relationship; mutual respect, communication, and shared goals are also important.
  • Differences in traits can lead to misunderstandings, but they can also bring diversity of thought and perspective, which can be beneficial in both personal and professional contexts.
  • Shared experiences and "me too" moments can deepen bonds, but they are not the only way to connect; some individuals may bond over intellectual discussions, challenges, or mutual support during difficult times.
  • Genuine interest is important, but relationships also require boundaries and the ability to navigate differences and disagreements constructively.
  • Enthusias ...

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